Awkward situation with friend and her son

[ahatlikeprincessmarina]

My DS has been friends with a boy, R, since they were 5/6 (they're now 11 and 12). R was diagnosed with Aspergers about a year ago and the family have been having a difficult time with him – refusing school and things like that. My DS is more or less his only friend. His mum and I quite often do reciprocal childcare, but it does piss me off that whereas I give her plenty of notice if I'm asking her to have my DC, she will often ask the night before, or even on the actual day if I can look after her two. Some people are fine with this, but I just like a bit more notice.

So again she's asked me to have her DC tomorrow as she has to work – a course that she was signed up for that she didn't realise was right in the middle of the Easter holidays. She also phoned me to ask rather than texting (several missed calls until she got hold of me, and no message left), which I feel puts me on the spot makes it more difficult for me to say no. The awkward bit is that while my DS likes going round to her house to play with R, he really REALLY doesn't like R coming here. He feels there is less to do here, R gets bored and he feels this huge responsibility to entertain him while R is going 'no, that's boring' ... 'don't want to do that' etc. So DS has been crying today at the prospect of R coming tomorrow. It's just not fair on him, I know – but the family are struggling with R and I feel that maybe I should suck it up. I think I will hoik up my courage and ask the mum if she can please give me more notice, but it also grates on me a bit that she thinks my DS loves having his friend to play, when actually he dreads it . I'd feel guilty at making any references to DS not liking having R round, as I feel like it would be beating them when they're down, but at the same time I know she thinks DS would love having R round any time.

I guess I've kind of worked this out for myself just by writing it down here – i.e. ask her to give me more notice, but keep quiet about DS's feelings. But if anyone's been in a similar situation I'd be grateful for any thoughts?

Well OP, I wouldn't be having him, your excuse is, unfortunately you have already made plans. Your Son comes first, and he is crying, because he isn't happy.
You cannot be this family's built in, on call child minder.
Be strong, nip this in the bud.
Occasionally, with notice, will be fine, if you and your DS, so wish.
Just say, sorry, tomorrow isn't convenient, you'll feel massively relieved.

Yes, I suppose I should relax the computer time a bit.

can your ds' doing programming together? or can her ds bring his computer to work on? as long as he's programming rather than playing games?

definitely ask for more notice. and if she asks what you're doing tomorrow ask 'why do you ask? do you need childcare?' and get her to lay her cards on the table and then don't tell her what you're doing unless you want to.

Op, I think you're being massively taken advantage of.

You have to have her DS in return for your very rare request for her to have your DS

You can't even think about making plans without fear they your friend will expect you to have her DS and DD

It sounds like your friend is upset by R's lack of friends, but it's not your and your son's responsibility to make up for this.

If she does ask for DS and/or DD to join your plans, just say that doesn't work for you, it's family time.

your first allegiance is to keeping your ds happy, not to providing free childcare to a friend who's struggling. i know it's a tough call, but you don't need to always say yes. she also needs to find other options and not rely on you at the last minute.

It does not matter if the child has SN or not, if you or your son do not want him to come round, than 'no sorry'. Start saying no, she is taking the piss out of you, and knows you are too nice to refuse her. She should be sorting out proper childcare for her son, you are not her childminder.

My DS is 11 and has Aspergers. He is very fixed with what he enjoys doing, so I must confess, I allow him much more time gaming than I would ordinarily encourage.

The trick with kids with Aspergers is to tune into their special interests, so I know if DS has a friend over to play PS4 games, he is getting some social interaction, sharing, etc. It's not all bad.

I can use his PS4 to enforce behaviour (I realise a lot f parents do this, but is really is the be-all and end-all to him) and I can set time limits, so eg You can play on the console till we have tea at 6pm then it goes off.

Does R have any other interests? Would the boys find it easier if you took them both to the park for a bit, and then let them chill out with a drink/biscuit and computer game, once you knew they'd had some physical exercise?

It's totally reasonable to ask his mum for more notice, and if your son doesn't enjoy it, that's fair enough, but I think the whole experience could be more enjoyable if you played to R's interests a bit.

The main thing is in all of this, is that she is taking the piss. You should start putting your foot down, being assertive, and saying no. If he does come to your house, then relax the computer time, that is probably, one of the main things this boy really enjoys, my husband as possible Aspergers, and loves programming, he does it as a job too, as well as in his free time.

If I felt put on the spot I'd just say I'm busy but say yes to the times when I have noticed. If I felt it was getting too much I might be busy 50% more. It's not good to have someone relying on you all the time. It's a favour. You don't have to do it

say 'oh I'm not sure, that date rings a bell, let me check and get back to you'

"Your son is miserable at our house, he's really bored without his things and my son doesn't really know how to entertain him. Can you suggest an answer to this?"

This.

Honestly, if it was causing me this much angst, I'd just let them be on the computer for one afternoon!

But I genuinely think it's time to put your dc first. It's his home. Adults are responsible for their own childcare.

Forcing "play dates" on eleven year olds is not a solution. And that goes for both of you!

I thin you're getting the boys' friendship confused with a reciprocal childcare arrangement, and it's to both your son's and your own disadvantage. Even if you're OK with being taken advantage of, your son isn't happy with having to compulsorily entertain what sounds like a difficult guest. Basically, you are putting your inability to be assertive ahead of your son's right to choose who he invites over. Just start saying no. Why is it so hard? Why do you give her loads of notice, but accept her last-minute requests?

Also could you organise your own childcare so you don't feel indebted? Say you have found this great club etc

//\
This what Chavelita has said.

So DS has been crying today at the prospect of R coming tomorrow.

Gosh, poor chap.

I'm amazed that you're so strict about screen time, when you know how miserable this set-up makes him, that is forced on him, and is of your and the other mum's doing.

Of course he's upset. The fix in this instance is easy.

Moving forward, you tell the Mum at pick-up you're surprised he wants to come over as he is always so bored at your place.

And that you need more notice in future.

Why is it so hard? Why do you give her loads of notice, but accept her last-minute requests?

Yeah, I know. I think it's because her requests often seem tied in to some kind of crisis, eg she and her DH have suddenly been asked to a meeting about R, or something. And I feel that if we're genuinely not busy we should help a family going through a difficult time. Karma and all that. But I can't be doing with feeling resentful like this and I know I need to separate our DSs friendship from the lack of notice thing and deal with that one first. R actually is a nice kid and tries his best to be polite with adults etc, even when you can see he finds it difficult to hold eye contact. It's his mum I really have the problem with. Thanks for all the good advice.

I'd go with the extra computer time and could the other lad carry on with the computer once DS gets bored? Then DS can do what he fancies without having to worry about (feeling obliged to) entertaining him. And definitely tell his mum to send stuff for him to do as he gets bored. And write down a list of excuses to have to hand every time she rings (or don't answer until you've worked out an excuse - she'll keep ringing so it's not like you've one opportunity to pick up (unfortunately)!)

Yeah, you're right, Dowager

Re the computer time ... if you are happy for your son to have extra computer time when he is at R's house why not when R is with you, if it is something your son enjoys? It is not uncommon for boys on the autism spectrum to be gamers, enjoy computer programming etc as their special interest. R may find social interaction difficult which is why he may only have one friend and get bored quickly, although neither you or your son should have the responsibility of entertaining him.

Many parents struggle with a diagnosis, however don't let this influence your decsion to ask the mother for more notice and limit the times you have R at your house. There is a difference in children going around to play and childminding.

If she asks if your busy tomorrow in a vague way, then be vague back and say yes I've got stuff to do and / or I plan to catch up with my friend / ironing or no but my son has ...

It's a difficult conversation, it's surprising how quickly a favour can become a habit then something that is expected. I suspect the mother knows this which is why she puts you on the spot. She really needs to get more organised, particularly if R likes routine or struggles with change.

I've got a slightly different take on this, sorry.

I absolutely do agree that if your friend needs childcare that she needs to give more notice and that you should feel free to say no if it doesn't suit you. Totally with you on this one, the dropping it on you at last notice isn't fair.

But... I'd expect my 11/12 year old child to have enough compassion to be able to be flexible and work around spending just one day out of his long Easter holiday doing something that he doesn't much enjoy for the sake of his disabled friend who struggles socially, and to have the maturity to do it willingly and with good grace. I also find the idea of a 11/12 year old actually crying (my children are that age, and haven't cried bar serious injuries for years!) quite, quite odd, and a touch spoilt/precious. Seriously what 11/12 year old cries when they don't get their own way, or because they have to spend just one day doing something they don't like?

So by all means refuse requests in the future (but to be fair you'll also have to stop your DS going too R's too, as these things are generally reciprocal, he doesn't get to pick and choose the bits of the friendship he enjoys only), but surely it would be better to explain to your son that his friend has issues and struggles, and that he needs to be the bigger man here, and that putting up with the odd day like this is the downside of a friendship that is rewarding in many other ways. Such a good opportunity for your son to demonstrate his maturity and compassion here.

Oh and yes, just take them to the park for a runaround, and then let them on the computer for the rest of the day!

Is there a specific reason you are so strict about screen time?

The issue between the boys is resolvable. More computer time and structured activities such as a trip to the park. That would take the pressure of DS to 'entertain' which he finds stressful. Also tell your friend that after tomorrow you can't arrange playdates at such short notice and then go about making your plans.

I think a little more empathy from some posters about how isolated children on the spectrum can become might be warranted here.

I wouldn't be surprised if the other mum does this deliberately, knowing you're nice and can't say no easily.

I think you can be fairly honest with her if she's a good friend and say no if it's short notice.

You can say that your ds just wanted some quiet family time and that's what you're doing. Or if you have plans say so and if she asks you to take her son along too, say that it's too short notice as you have already promised quality family time just with your own children, for example.

So that should sort out the short notice problem.

Maybe, gleam, though not maliciously - she hasaid this kind of "it takes a village to raise a child" commune-type attitude and everyone should muck in and help (as she would if asked, so she's not really being hypocritical). This is what makes it harder, as she's coming from a benign place and I don't think genuinely realises she's taking advantage.

mrsm43, thanks for that view. My DS can be pretty sensitive but I don't think it's being precious for crying, considering the many years this has been going on for.

Beachy they do get what I feel is plenty of computer time - just not the hours per day that R and many of their classmates get.