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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wasting so much money on trivial events.

152 replies

user1484750550 · 13/04/2017 09:52

This is a bit of a first world problem, but it's been bugging me.

Basically, I have my birthday, Valentines day, Mother's day, Easter, and our wedding anniversary all within a 10 week period (between mid Feb and late April.) Despite my requests to not spend much and that a box of maltesers will do for valentines, and mother's day, and less than a tenner will do for my birthday and our anniversary, and a 99p chocolate egg will do for Easter, DH always spends a lot, and always buys the same things! Confused

For example...

Valentines; a litre of port, a soft toy, a box of milk tray, and a dvd I had never mentioned I wanted. A single red rose.

My birthday; a litre of whiskey, a box of dairy box, a soft toy, a CD I had never mentioned I wanted, and a book I never mentioned I wanted.

Mothers' day (no idea why he buys me anything and I have said he doesn't need to!) A litre of port, a box of milk tray, a soft toy.

Easter ... a bottle of whiskey, a giant chocolate egg, a toy bunny.

Our anniversary; a litre of brandy, a box of milk tray, a soft toy, a dvd, a book I never asked for or wanted.

Each of the 5 occasions he spends between £35 and £45 .. so he is spending around £185-£200 on those 5 events over the 10 weeks.

I have said numerous times that he doesn't need to get anything for Mother's day, and that a single rose and a 50p card will do for Valentines, and if it's not a 'special' birthday (40, 50, for example,) he doesn't need to spend more than a tenner. He ignores what I say every time.

3 years ago I suggested maybe he could get a bit of jewellery when he asked me what I wanted for my birthday, (as I am bored with chocolates, booze, soft toys, CDs, and DVDs!) and Argos do nice silver earrings for less than a tenner. He got a necklace with a diamond in it, and when I saw the transaction on his credit card statement, he had gone to a high street jewellers, and it was over £120! Shock It was not a landmark birthday either!

Thing is, with the money he spends on this stuff that I don't want or need, we could have a long weekend in Paris or London! I currently have THREE boxes of chocolates, a bottle of whiskey, a bottle of port, and a bottle of brandy. I went on a diet in mid Jan and said I am going teetotal too, and yet he has still bought shitloads of booze and chocolate for me. In addition, I am falling over all the effing soft toys he keeps buying!

He doesn't drink and has been on a diet since September, and has instructed me to not buy booze or chocolates. In addition, he has started saying this past couple of years that I should not buy him aftershave, clothes, CD's DVD's, or jewellery, (so I am flat out stuck on what to buy him when anything comes around!) Yet he never adheres to any of my requests.

Sounds like such a first world problem, and I feel like such a cow, but AIBU to feel pissed off by this?

OP posts:
Original poster
user1484750550 · 13/04/2017 16:51

Sorry, I posted that twice. I posted the first one and thought it hadn't worked! So I clicked 'post' again. Apologies! Blush

OP posts:
user1487947495 · 13/04/2017 17:01

He is stuck in a groove (can you tell I'm old) and only drastic action is likely to change him. Eg 'I want a divorce because I have had enough of you not listening to me.' I'm not suggesting you do want a divorce, just using it as a shock tactic. But you may never get a present ever again...........
Decent men who don't listen are extremely frustrating but in the end probably the only thing you can do is change the way you react to things he says and does.

Pallisers · 13/04/2017 17:05

I think I would leave my husband if he bought me a soft toy.

I certainly have threatened to go no contact with my brothers in law if they bought soft toys for my children. Only made the bastards worse though.

I have spent 20 years of my 20 years of parenthood trying to divest of f-ing soft toys.

The bottles of booze are baffling OP.

Stormtreader · 13/04/2017 17:08

But even though its joint money, he decided to spend a lot of it - this still feels to me like the Simpsons episode where Homer gets Marge an expensive bowling ball for her birthday, with his name on it. Im wondering, maybe unfairly, if every time he gets you his "birthday pack" of stuff he gets a lot of praise and admiration from the checkout staff "oh whos the lucky lady, you are such a thoughtful husband!" The cuddly toy and alcohol combo kind of marks it out as "Im buying this for a girlfriend".

Even the other things youve mentioned are all "I'm offering you what I like and saying its politeness. However if you offer me what YOU like then I'm outraged because youre not thinking of ME at all, dont you know I dont like that?".

StripeyDeckchair · 13/04/2017 18:23

No one who measures their age in double figures should be given soft toys.
They're for children & anyone who gives them to an adult is guilty of infantilising the adult.

GabsAlot · 13/04/2017 21:58

sorry i think its weird saying im just being polite asking if u want salt when u never eve have it

its like some funny joke to him that noone else gets

kathkim · 13/04/2017 22:00

this still feels to me like the Simpsons episode where Homer gets Marge an expensive bowling ball for her birthday, with his name on it

Great episode!

Astro55 · 13/04/2017 22:15

Are they wrapped? If so just don't open them!

NeverShine4me · 13/04/2017 22:27

This is the other spectrum to me- see my thread i started!

TheDowagerCuntess · 13/04/2017 22:43

Does he not wonder where the years' supply of soft toys actually is?

And the getting arsey when you do [identical annoying thing that he does] is weird.

oleoleoleole · 13/04/2017 23:05

When's it's his birthday, anniversary, Father's Day etc, give him the exact presents he's given you. Then tell him as you don't want them you'd like him to have then!!

mylittlephoney · 13/04/2017 23:15

You poor thing . At least he gets you things. Even if you hate them. I would love for my dh to put more than 60 seconds worth of pre prompted effort into these holidays. Its my 40th this year. I'll be lucky if he remembers a fucking card.

RockyBird · 13/04/2017 23:21

I'd rather have one £100* (or even £50) present spent on one day than £200 split over 5 occasions spent on consumables.

*a turntable for vinyl if you're asking

Naicehamshop · 13/04/2017 23:36

To be honest, he sounds awful. He is NOT a nice man who is just not good at buying presents, he has deliberately ignored and overruled you on many occasions. I would get angry. Angry

ForTheSakeOfFuck · 13/04/2017 23:45

mylittlephoney: You poor thing . At least he gets you things. Even if you hate them. I would love for my dh to put more than 60 seconds worth of pre prompted effort into these holidays. Its my 40th this year. I'll be lucky if he remembers a fucking card.

By the sounds of it, though, OP's DH isn't putting more than 60 seconds of thought into it either. Exactly the same things, every single time, with absolutely no regard for what the OP actually wants or says. It's the exact same problem in the opposite direction.

Cesar0 · 13/04/2017 23:49

This is very strange OP. A litre of brandy is what you'd give to an old man who is a bit of a drinker.
He sounds like he doesn't have any imagination and thinks in boxes. So, in his mind, gift for wife = a,b,c,d and he can't think out the box.
Similarly, someone has probably told him at some point that it's good manners at dinner to offer the salt, so this is what he does. Every time! Confused
Does he have difficulty reading social signals in general?
If you don't mind me saying, your reactions sound a bit strange to me too somehow. Why would you mention or make an issue of the fact that he would let you walk down a path first? Most men would do this, like opening the door for you, surely?
I think you just have to tell him you appreciate the effort, however in future you would very much like a,b,c. Send him an online link and maybe he will get it?

sweetcarolines · 14/04/2017 00:03

Whiskey and port.. sounds awesome. Come round to mine and we can kill the thread!

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/04/2017 00:08

So you keep telling him that you don't want the booze/chocolates/soft toys etc? And he keeps 'forgetting'.

I think I would have to do something to fix it in his memory. Maybe place the soft toy in a steel bucket, pour the booze over it and throw a lit match in. In front of him. Let's see him forget that.

(Totally creeped out by the soft toys.)

elektrawoman · 14/04/2017 00:15

That would infuriate me too! I hate gifts bought for the sake of it - seems so wasteful in terms of time / money. I often think thoughtless gifts are worse than no gifts - because the giver is placing the onus on the receiver to be grateful, whilst creating work for the receiver who now has to deal physically with the unwanted gift (throw?regift?charity?) then the giver pats themselves on the back for their 'generosity', whilst not having given the most important thing of all, their attention to what the other person really needs.

For birthdays, DH and I write lists of things we'd like. (With weblinks!) Then we can choose something that we know the other actually does want, and also give present ideas to family. I know lists aren't very romantic but after many years of marriage you do get to the point where there's not much you really need, so it's the only way to be sure we are buying something that's actually wanted.

Re Easter - adults don't do gifts at Easter! That's crazy. Easter is either about kids doing egg hunts or people going to church!

I'd hate it if DH was buying unnecessary gifts for the sake of it when it could go towards a holiday. It does seem a weird thing for your DH to do when you have expressly told him not to. It does seem to be taking away your autonomy.

For example: DH said he really didn't like Valentine's Day as it was too commercial, and he didn't need a specific day to tell me he loved me but that instead he'd rather get me flowers during the year as a surprise (which he does!) and I took this on board. If I then spent a load of money on him on Valentine's Day I think he'd be really annoyed, and rightly so.

Could you say you are saving for a holiday and from now on you'd rather just have a card, and put any money that would have been spent on presents into a holiday kitty?

ijustwannadance · 14/04/2017 00:21

I would buy him all the same shit plus cuddly toy for his next occasion. When he asks why you bought him it knowing he wouldn't want or like it, tell him that's the same fucking question you have been asking for years!

MrsKoala · 14/04/2017 08:42

Keep it all in a drawer and tell him to wrap it again for the next occasion. You will do the same. You can then just pass it all backwards and forwards. All boxes ticked, no money spent and it can be 'your' special tradition which you charmingly laugh at. Put the money saved in a holiday account and go away somewhere nice too.

Alternately LTB.

kathkim · 14/04/2017 08:47

Is there a backstory to this? I mean, did he once forget or not do much and you mentioned it and now he is piling stuff onto you in a PA fashion? As in YOU WANT PRESENTS? I'LL GIVE YOU PRESENTS!!! I just don't know what to make of this.

Hellofromme · 14/04/2017 08:55

The thing is, even thought it's a lot of stuff, it doesn't take much effort to get it does it? I could go in the tesco at the end of my road and buy all that in ten minutes max.

He's ticked a big box, telling you and himself how wonderful he is.

peeriebear · 14/04/2017 10:37

My last relationship was with a guy a fair bit younger than me- I was his first 'serious' relationship. He would buy me boxes of chocolates, twee cuddly toys, fake roses in cellophane, oversized sentimental cards- because that's what females are supposed to like. I had to be very firm with him and spell it out!
"Please STOP buying me chocolates. I still have the last two boxes and I don't have a sweet tooth. My house is very small and crowded and I have no need for cuddly toys and fake roses, nor anywhere to put them. Just get me some nice cheese off the market if you must get something FFS".

DukeOfBurgundy · 14/04/2017 11:10

I could go in the tesco at the end of my road and buy all that in ten minutes max.

That's what I thought too. Booze + chocolate + random arse cd/dvd + cheap tat just screams "petrol station shop" to me.