DH wasting so much money on trivial events.

[user1484750550]

This is a bit of a first world problem, but it's been bugging me.

Basically, I have my birthday, Valentines day, Mother's day, Easter, and our wedding anniversary all within a 10 week period (between mid Feb and late April.) Despite my requests to not spend much and that a box of maltesers will do for valentines, and mother's day, and less than a tenner will do for my birthday and our anniversary, and a 99p chocolate egg will do for Easter, DH always spends a lot, and always buys the same things!

For example...

Valentines; a litre of port, a soft toy, a box of milk tray, and a dvd I had never mentioned I wanted. A single red rose.

My birthday; a litre of whiskey, a box of dairy box, a soft toy, a CD I had never mentioned I wanted, and a book I never mentioned I wanted.

Mothers' day (no idea why he buys me anything and I have said he doesn't need to!) A litre of port, a box of milk tray, a soft toy.

Easter ... a bottle of whiskey, a giant chocolate egg, a toy bunny.

Our anniversary; a litre of brandy, a box of milk tray, a soft toy, a dvd, a book I never asked for or wanted.

Each of the 5 occasions he spends between £35 and £45 .. so he is spending around £185-£200 on those 5 events over the 10 weeks.

I have said numerous times that he doesn't need to get anything for Mother's day, and that a single rose and a 50p card will do for Valentines, and if it's not a 'special' birthday (40, 50, for example,) he doesn't need to spend more than a tenner. He ignores what I say every time.

3 years ago I suggested maybe he could get a bit of jewellery when he asked me what I wanted for my birthday, (as I am bored with chocolates, booze, soft toys, CDs, and DVDs!) and Argos do nice silver earrings for less than a tenner. He got a necklace with a diamond in it, and when I saw the transaction on his credit card statement, he had gone to a high street jewellers, and it was over £120! It was not a landmark birthday either!

Thing is, with the money he spends on this stuff that I don't want or need, we could have a long weekend in Paris or London! I currently have THREE boxes of chocolates, a bottle of whiskey, a bottle of port, and a bottle of brandy. I went on a diet in mid Jan and said I am going teetotal too, and yet he has still bought shitloads of booze and chocolate for me. In addition, I am falling over all the effing soft toys he keeps buying!

He doesn't drink and has been on a diet since September, and has instructed me to not buy booze or chocolates. In addition, he has started saying this past couple of years that I should not buy him aftershave, clothes, CD's DVD's, or jewellery, (so I am flat out stuck on what to buy him when anything comes around!) Yet he never adheres to any of my requests.

Sounds like such a first world problem, and I feel like such a cow, but AIBU to feel pissed off by this?

I am fixated by the soft toys! How old is he? And Milk Tray? It's like he's 16 and it's 1975.

They are all pointless, rubbish presents with no thought.

You have something to eat, something to drink, something to read, something to listen to, and something to cuddle.

He must have thought of that once, and as you said is very proud of it. He seems to be stuck on that as the ideal combination of gifts to give.

I had a sort of similar problem with Dh. Every Christmas and Birthday I would get a necklace. I do not wear necklaces. I would say thank you and put them away. Then one Birthday I asked him not to get me a necklace, as he may not have noticed but I do not wear them. So what did he get me - a Necklace!!. That time I said that I did not want it as I had asked him not to get me a necklace and could I have the receipt. I took it back and changed it for a bracelet. He has not bought me another necklace since.

Tell him straight, but give him alternatives. What would you like sticking to his theme of "'something to eat, something to drink, something to read, something to listen to, and something to cuddle.'"?

Why should you be greatful for items you have repeatedly said you don't want? For whatever reason He isn't listening to you, be it laziness or contempt, neither is ok. The pay off for his behaviour has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. You need to be a lot firmer and very clear where your boundaries are. Make agreements about gifts and if he chooses to ignore the agreement then be very clear about the consequences of not sticking to it I.e refusing the gifts.

His behaviour isn't cute, it demonstrates a lack of respect (dressed up as generosity).

Your trying to tell him so you either are not telling him properly, as in your not being blunt or clear enough (maybe to not hurt his feelings)
Or
He is not listening or doesn't care that you've told him
So

Before next time tell him outright do not buy me booze, toy, choc etc, I don't want them and I won't like them.

Then if it happens you might need to be ungrateful, I don't mean be nasty but after you've opened the stuff be honest and say Iv told you so many times I don't wAnt it, your spending our money on stuff Iv told you I won't like, why are you not listening?

You don't need to stick to his theme. It's creepy as fuck. I'd be FUMING.

Bless the lovely twat

Really? He is an adult I presume?

I would look at them all next time and say, great, now you can return them.

Seriously. You're going to need to be brutal. He expects you to listen to him and get/not get what he wants, but he gets to completely, repeatedly ignore what you have asked for? And is spending family money doing it?

I'd kick off.

If he can "instruct" you not to buy him booze and chocolate, then you need to "instruct" him similarly.

He isn't bothered about your feelings when he buys you all this (unwanted, thoughtless) shit, so you just need to be as blunt as he is.

"Husband, I don't want to drink alcohol any more, I'm not eating chocolate, I don't want cuddly toys, or books, or DVDs, or CDs. Stop buying me thoughtless piles of junk".

Having said that, I don't think you can then give him a list of demands for what you do want instead. Just tell him you are happy with a card.

It's not sweet - he's buying the gifts to make himself feel good - he should be buying the gifts to make you feel good.

He needs to grow up - something to cuddle? Wtf is that about? Does he think you are 5?

Have a chat to him about how he doesn't seem to understand you or know your personality.
Explain to him that a weekend away is the thing that means the most to you and he could have done that with the £200 or so he spent.
Ask him for that for next year.

@stormtreader Next time, get him a moustache grooming set, a pipe, a model train and some replacement strimmer wire. These are all the things "men" like to do, right?

This made me LOL.

I agree that when the next thing is coming up, I need to TELL him to not buy the same fucking shit usual gifts that he always buys. And maybe ask him where the receipt is as I want to return it.

For me, (as a number of people have said,) it's like he hears me, and does listen, but just does what he wants anyway. It really pisses me off.

He isn't buying the booze for him by the way, as he doesn't drink. I am trying to give up as much as I can too, and no longer want booze in the house. So I am going to tell him NOT to buy me booze anymore! I don't like sitting there supping fucking port on my own while he drinks coffee anyway!

"He ignores what I say every time." This doesn't seem like a first-world problem OP, this seems like a really fundamental problem with your relationship.

The way I read it is this: your OH is increasingly out-of-touch with you, to the point that he can't even hear what you're trying to tell him. This scares him, but he's denying it to himself by 'overcompensating' with gifts, to pretend to himself that nothing is wrong. He wants to feel that he really cares for you, so he spends a lot of money on trying to 'solve' the problem, to avoid having to address it himself.

Does he dislike facing problems in other, non-emotional, areas of life?

I think you have two options; either address the issue, which will be messy as he doesn't seem to want to admit there is a problem with your relationship; or ignore it, in which case it will eventually blow up in some other, potentially more destructive way. The fact that he's spending so much money, and on presents that are so utterly the opposite of what you want, makes me feel that the situation is desperate on his side, that he is subconsciously forcing you to react.

If you care for the long-term health of your relationship, I would urge you to find a way to communicate with OH and uncover what's provoking this. It might not be as scary as OH thinks - everyone changes in the course of a relationship and sometimes you need to address these things straight-on.

A thought - are all the gifts from the same place? You could be not getting things from your list because "the present buying duty free shop" only sells these things. Is it a swankier version of flowers from the petrol station?

It could be as simple as he is so conditioned by advertising and other people that it is completely unacceptable to not buy you anything significant that he simply doesn't believe you when you say you don't want anything or just want a box of maltesers and a cheap card.

Look at all the threads on here after Christmas, Mother's Day, Valentines Day etc complaining 'that he didn't get me anything'. Some of the posters even say 'we agreed not to get each other anything but I can't believe he really didn't bother, I got him a load of tat card, game, booze, boxer shorts, chocolates etc'.

So maybe he panicked a bit and just got what was in front of his face when he went to the shop, which doesn't really excuse doing the same thing five times within a few weeks though. I hate shopping and hate choosing gifts for people.

I'd be much happier if it all went away and gifting is very low key in our house. It just seems so pointless for adults with their own money. Just buy things of your own choosing as and when you want it - makes much more sense than either buying a load of crap that nobody wants, or making specific lists including colour, size, where to buy etc. Once you've done that, you might as well just buy the item anyway.

We just exchange token gifts. DP knows I will be happy with fizzy wine, gin or anything from Hotel Chocolat. I know you don't want chocs or booze but you must be able pick something like nice handcream or candles, something generic where he can choose something from a range of products if he feels he must buy you a gift.

But I would lay out all the five sets of gifts together and explain to him exactly why it wasn't a great set of gifts, especially for someone who doesn't drink.

They do seem like gifts that unworldly teenage boys - with no direct experience of women, other than perhaps their Mum and sister - would buy their (equally teenage) girlfriend.

How many soft toys does an adult need? Answer: none.

You don't mention saying "Please don't buy me gifts, let's use the money on a long weekend" - even though it's completely fine in your relationship to say such things as he has to you!

So YABU, unless you have actually said that and he's buying you tat.

I know you said "you don't need to", but that's different to an explicit do not.

When you're coming up to one of these occasions, arrange a daily text alert that says "Do NOT buy User chocolate, booze, cuddly toys, book/CD/DVD" and is followed by a link to an Amazon wish list or similar. Put a large sign on the front door saying the same thing, and another in his car. If you know anyone at his work who will play along, get them to put a notice up at his desk or whatever he works at, maybe even get it put on his computer as a screensaver. That way with any luck he can't claim to have forgotten.

Does he have a storage unit filled with booze and cuddle toys and he just grabs them for every event?

Deffo ageee on giving him random shit in future.

My DP used to be v similar. I think it was partly what he'd seen his own Dad do and partly 'conditioning' (TV ads etc). An element of not having to spend too much thought or time as well.
Have now got him trained to get similarly 'quick buy from the supermarket' things, but items I will use - decent bath foam, Waitrose gift card (spend in John Lewis!), local beauty salon voucher, luxury foods that I wouldn't usually buy, favourite ice cream. Admittedly I still get the same every time, but I do really appreciate it and make use of it now rather than re-gifting!

Make sure he knows you're regifting the booze or he'll think you've drunk it all and buy you some more

I'd be pissed off he wasn't listening to me or what I actually wanted though, I'd rather have nothing. Which is what I usually get

Seriously, good luck OP, I doubt he'll listen, seems very determined to carry on. 🙄

I would ask him why he sees special occasions as a time to upset you?

"I don't want these things, I don't like them, I've told you not to buy them and you ignored me and disregarded my feelings on it. Now I'm upset on my birthday/Mother's Day/whatever day, thanks DH"

He's being a twat
Not a lovely one, just a twat

I have a cuddly Woodstock and Snoopy from my guy - luffs them.

Wasn't there a MNer who on receiving the umpteenth unwanted crap gift of service station flowers and chocolate, calmly stood up and walked over the the washing machine, bent down, loaded said 'gifts' into the machine, stood, turned the dial and pressed on, then proceeded to calmly make a cup of tea while her H was sitting there? Do that next time OP.

Or do what i would do and look up at him with my cold dead eyes and say 'what has possessed you to buy me this shower of shite AGAIN?' Then push them all back to him and tell him to not bother getting me anything in future and i would not be getting him stuff. I would say i'll just buy myself what i want and him get me a card. Assuming he can manage that.