Page 5 | DH wasting so much money on trivial events.

user1484750550 · 2017-04-13T08:52:22+00:00

This is a bit of a first world problem, but it's been bugging me. Basically, I have my birthday, Valentines day, Mother's day, Easter, and our wedding anniversary all within a 10 week period (between mid Feb and late April.) Despite my requests to not spend much and that a box of maltesers will do for valentines, and mother's day, and less than a tenner will do for my birthday and our anniversary, and a 99p chocolate egg will do for Easter, DH always spends a lot, and always buys the same things! [confused] For example... Valentines; a litre of port, a soft toy, a box of milk tray, and a dvd I had never mentioned I wanted. A single red rose. My birthday; a litre of whiskey, a box of dairy box, a soft toy, a CD I had never mentioned I wanted, and a book I never mentioned I wanted. Mothers' day (no idea why he buys me anything and I have said he doesn't need to!) A litre of port, a box of milk tray, a soft toy. Easter ... a bottle of whiskey, a giant chocolate egg, a toy bunny. Our anniversary; a litre of brandy, a box of milk tray, a soft toy, a dvd, a book I never asked for or wanted. Each of the 5 occasions he spends between £35 and £45 .. so he is spending around £185-£200 on those 5 events over the 10 weeks. I have said numerous times that he doesn't need to get anything for Mother's day, and that a single rose and a 50p card will do for Valentines, and if it's not a 'special' birthday (40, 50, for example,) he doesn't need to spend more than a tenner. He ignores what I say every time. 3 years ago I suggested maybe he could get a bit of jewellery when he asked me what I wanted for my birthday, (as I am bored with chocolates, booze, soft toys, CDs, and DVDs!) and Argos do nice silver earrings for less than a tenner. He got a necklace with a diamond in it, and when I saw the transaction on his credit card statement, he had gone to a high street jewellers, and it was over £120! [shock] It was not a landmark birthday either! Thing is, with the money he spends on this stuff that I don't want or need, we could have a long weekend in Paris or London! I currently have THREE boxes of chocolates, a bottle of whiskey, a bottle of port, and a bottle of brandy. I went on a diet in mid Jan and said I am going teetotal too, and yet he has still bought shitloads of booze and chocolate for me. In addition, I am falling over all the effing soft toys he keeps buying! He doesn't drink and has been on a diet since September, and has instructed me to not buy booze or chocolates. In addition, he has started saying this past couple of years that I should not buy him aftershave, clothes, CD's DVD's, or jewellery, (so I am flat out stuck on what to buy him when anything comes around!) Yet he never adheres to any of my requests. Sounds like such a first world problem, and I feel like such a cow, but AIBU to feel pissed off by this?

pnutter · 13/04/2017 12:57

Op a lot of good points on this thread.
Imo I'd say it is rather controlling behaviour in a way, hard to explain but it raises a red flag to me.

pnutter · 13/04/2017 12:57

Op a lot of good points on this thread.
Imo I'd say it is rather controlling behaviour in a way, hard to explain but it raises a red flag to me.

MangoSplit · 13/04/2017 13:08

Five litres of spirits, five boxes of chocs and five cuddly toys within 10 weeks! Sorry nothing helpful to add but how can he not realise you don't want this!!

PovertyPain · 13/04/2017 13:16

Get all the crap out and pile it onto his side of the bed. He needs to see you haven't used it.

GabsAlot · 13/04/2017 13:22

just tell him straight out

no ah nice but shoudlnt buy me this stuff-just the truth i dont want or need it and its a waste

if i tell my dh not to buy m something for my birthay he doesnt and vice versa

llangennith · 13/04/2017 13:24

Lives in a world of his own really doesn't he?

ImYourWomanJonSnow · 13/04/2017 13:40

Where on earth do you store all the soft toys ( sorry not helpful at all)

kathkim · 13/04/2017 14:32

I'd give them away to a children's charity. I doubt he'd notice!

Original poster

user1484750550 · 13/04/2017 14:40

@fairytalesarebullshit I've read a few posts and haven't seen mention of children, maybe a bit personal but are there any fertility issues he feels bad about?

Hi. We do have children (late teens,) So it's not that.

@minipie At best it shows he doesn't listen to a thing you say. At worst it shows he does listen but thinks he knows better.

This ^ with bells on. He DOES listen, and he does hear, but he still does what he wants anyway. Very stubborn.

@podrig does he buy it to have it for himself?

No, because he doesn't drink, and isn't eating chocs at the mo as he is dieting. I am too though, but he still gets them for me!

And yeah something similar happened to me like you with the ipad. About 6 Christmasses ago, we had agreed to a £35 limit, and he waltzed in one day (in mid November,) terribly excited and saying 'Can't wait to see your face at Christmas!' I said 'why? You can't have spent much coz it's a £35 budget!' He just swanned off!

A week later, his credit card bill came, he hid it. I sneaked in his bedroom drawer and found it. To my horror there was a purchase from Currys/PC world for £379! We are not hugely wealthy now, and were even worse off then, and I was livid.

I confronted him and said 'whatever this is, you can take it back!' He looked stunned! I said I didn't want a gift that was knocking on for half a grand, and he said 'I want you to have something SPECIAL, something just for YOU! You are worth it. And you will love it' I said 'WTF can you possibly have got me from Currys/PC world?! There is nothing I want from there. The only thing I would like is a short trip abroad (we hadn't been for 7-8 years then!)

He refused to return it, and said he will pay for it with his overtime he getting soon.

The gift was a fucking hi-fi! So a household item basically. (But he said it was for ME as I like music more! ) Plus he could have got one that would have been adequate for about £80! Then the overtime fell through, he got arsey about having £500 outstanding on his credit card (there was over £100 before,) and he wiped out our savings clearing the card off in the February!

Thanks all so much for not thinking I am being unreasonable, or a total cow! I felt like I was, especially as some women don't get anything from their men! I really need to confront him sometime about this, but it's so hard, especially as I have more or less said things before and he hasn't listened. And I agree it is a bit controlling. He does tend to think he knows best.

Like he even adjusts the curtains when I close them, and adjusts the shopping in the trolley, and re-adjusts ornaments when I have dusted! Makes me wanna scream! He isn't an awful husband, and has many good qualities, (and I am far from perfect!) so I don't want to leave! But this 'I know best' quality fucks me off royally.

The soft toys btw, I tend to pass on to charity shops. and I re-gift the chocs and booze. I don't think he even notices!

OP posts:

ForTheSakeOfFuck · 13/04/2017 15:21

Oh my god the "fixing" everything that you've obviously done "incorrectly"... How have you not actually broken his fingers when he's reached across to do that for the thousandth time???

ForTheSakeOfFuck · 13/04/2017 15:23

There is only one possible solution. Pavlovian training. Every time he reaches to "fix" things, get out a tiny electric shocker and zap him. Whenever he turns up with gifts you didn't want, zap him once for every gift.

ZAPZAPZAP.

I am joking. Probably.

GabsAlot · 13/04/2017 15:43

he bought a hi-fi hid the statment and didnt return it

hes got problems bigger than chocolates and toys

Livelovebehappy · 13/04/2017 15:48

TBH I would be chuffed with alcohol and chocolates. This being said on the back of a wok for my birthday and a deep fat fryer for Christmas. Can I swap mine for yours OP? The DH's and not the presents of course!

minipie · 13/04/2017 15:50

Yep what ForTheSakeOfFuck said. Please please please point out to him how annoying and patronising it is when he "corrects" things you've already done. And also when he ignores what you've told him you want and does what he thinks you want instead. (Does he do this during sex too??)

He sounds like a bit of a dinosaur who thinks you are some sort of feeble being who doesn't know what's best for yourself and needs to be looked after/overruled. He probably thinks he's "cherishing" you. Please point out to him that he's actually treating you like a child and you want to be treated like an EQUAL and an ADULT.

WicksEnd · 13/04/2017 15:52

Honestly this thread has really wound me up! so Christ knows how you've not told him to feck off and stick the teddy where the sun don't shine.

I'd just be really blunt now.
I don't like booze
I don't like chocolate
Soft toys are for children
Nobody likes a predictable twat.
Your taste in books and CDs isn't mine. Here is a list. Buy from it or just give me a card please.

kimann · 13/04/2017 15:54

That's a lot of booze - does he think you drink that much I'd return all of them if you're going teetotal - or regift it to him!

Nanny0gg · 13/04/2017 15:54

The soft toys btw, I tend to pass on to charity shops. and I re-gift the chocs and booze. I don't think he even notices!

Then make him notice.

And me too WicksEnd

Nancy91 · 13/04/2017 15:56

He sounds very sweet but he's just getting it wrong. I think he's getting a bit of a hard time on this thread, he's only buying you presents, if it annoys you just regift them.

Stormtreader · 13/04/2017 15:57

"he got arsey about having £500 outstanding on his credit card (there was over £100 before,) and he wiped out our savings clearing the card off in the February!"

WHOA THERE - he got "you" a present you didnt even want, THEN got arsey at you for the balance being on his card, THEN paid it off with savings that you had contributed to? You realise you bought your own present, right? While he got the fun of both buying the big thing and blaming you for the bill?

kathkim · 13/04/2017 16:01

stick the teddy where the sun don't shine

Could be the making of another cool thread

redexpat · 13/04/2017 16:08

Google love languages. His is gift giving, yours is time spent together.

FilledSoda · 13/04/2017 16:25

A litre of PORT

ElspethFlashman · 13/04/2017 16:28

Yes, make him notice. You're basically (I mean this nicely) colluding in his fantasy that his presents get used and appreciated so he is fine to keep doing it.

Original poster

user1484750550 · 13/04/2017 16:43

WHOA THERE - he got "you" a present you didnt even want, THEN got arsey at you for the balance being on his card, THEN paid it off with savings that you had contributed to? You realise you bought your own present, right? While he got the fun of both buying the big thing and blaming you for the bill?

Stormtreader, it's all joint money anyway, and neither of us has our own accounts, so I sort of buy my own gifts anyway pmsl!

Thing is, I don't mind that really, as it is still him getting them (which would be fine if he would buy something different!) But it did piss me off when he got pissed off with the high credit card bill that HE had created. Not pissed off or arsey with me, but the fact that he didn't get the overtime he had wanted, so wasn't able to pay the credit card off in full as he has planned.

And so although the payments would have come out of the 'joint money' anyway, as we put it all in one pot (so to speak,) it grated on me that he was pissed off with the credit card bill, and used our savings to pay it. For an item I didn't ask for, need, or want. (We had a little stereo already, and didn't need anything really!)

He isn't controlling over everything, like I deal with all the money and he sometimes doesn't even know what's in the account, and I can buy what I want, when I want (within reason of course,) even though he brings in about a third more money than me. He never questions anything I spend or buy, and we do have lots in common, and a good marriage (honestly!)

But he does have a tendency to think he knows what's best, and likes to over-rule me. Sometimes I will say 'I am going to go clean the bathroom' and he will say 'nah do it another day, sit down and relax.' And I think 'I didn't ask for your permission or opinion, I am telling you what I am about to do.'

And often when we are walking, and the path narrows, he will say 'after you......' And even though he is possibly just being polite, I think 'I don't need your permission to go ahead of you, I was edging in front of you anyway!' Funny thing is when I say 'after you....' he looks a bit annoyed! Don't know why.

One other thing that fucks me off! When we are having a meal he sometimes says 'do you want the salt?' I never ever ever have fucking salt! Over a quarter of a century we have been together, and I have never added salt to my food!' Yet he still asks me!' Same with a certain soft drink he likes; he asks me if I want a glass of it, when I have hated it since before we met! When I say 'why do you ask me when you know I don't have it and never have?!' he says 'I am just being polite.'

I sometimes wonder if he does it to irk me. When I have said to him 'want some sugar in your coffee?' (when I know he doesn't take it,) he says 'very funny!' and goes into a strop because he thinks I am being sarcastic and/or taking the piss out of him.

Gawd I sound moany LOL. I do feel better after that rant though.

And as I said, I am not perfect, and I expect I have annoying traits.

By the way, as a few people have asked, when he gives me the usual stuff, I do just say 'erm, thanks.' I guess I need to be more vocal about NOT wanting the same shit a few weeks before, and then kick off it I DO get it.

Not looking forward to the conversation tbh.

OP posts:

Original poster

user1484750550 · 13/04/2017 16:44