DH wasting so much money on trivial events.

[user1484750550]

This is a bit of a first world problem, but it's been bugging me.

Basically, I have my birthday, Valentines day, Mother's day, Easter, and our wedding anniversary all within a 10 week period (between mid Feb and late April.) Despite my requests to not spend much and that a box of maltesers will do for valentines, and mother's day, and less than a tenner will do for my birthday and our anniversary, and a 99p chocolate egg will do for Easter, DH always spends a lot, and always buys the same things!

For example...

Valentines; a litre of port, a soft toy, a box of milk tray, and a dvd I had never mentioned I wanted. A single red rose.

My birthday; a litre of whiskey, a box of dairy box, a soft toy, a CD I had never mentioned I wanted, and a book I never mentioned I wanted.

Mothers' day (no idea why he buys me anything and I have said he doesn't need to!) A litre of port, a box of milk tray, a soft toy.

Easter ... a bottle of whiskey, a giant chocolate egg, a toy bunny.

Our anniversary; a litre of brandy, a box of milk tray, a soft toy, a dvd, a book I never asked for or wanted.

Each of the 5 occasions he spends between £35 and £45 .. so he is spending around £185-£200 on those 5 events over the 10 weeks.

I have said numerous times that he doesn't need to get anything for Mother's day, and that a single rose and a 50p card will do for Valentines, and if it's not a 'special' birthday (40, 50, for example,) he doesn't need to spend more than a tenner. He ignores what I say every time.

3 years ago I suggested maybe he could get a bit of jewellery when he asked me what I wanted for my birthday, (as I am bored with chocolates, booze, soft toys, CDs, and DVDs!) and Argos do nice silver earrings for less than a tenner. He got a necklace with a diamond in it, and when I saw the transaction on his credit card statement, he had gone to a high street jewellers, and it was over £120! It was not a landmark birthday either!

Thing is, with the money he spends on this stuff that I don't want or need, we could have a long weekend in Paris or London! I currently have THREE boxes of chocolates, a bottle of whiskey, a bottle of port, and a bottle of brandy. I went on a diet in mid Jan and said I am going teetotal too, and yet he has still bought shitloads of booze and chocolate for me. In addition, I am falling over all the effing soft toys he keeps buying!

He doesn't drink and has been on a diet since September, and has instructed me to not buy booze or chocolates. In addition, he has started saying this past couple of years that I should not buy him aftershave, clothes, CD's DVD's, or jewellery, (so I am flat out stuck on what to buy him when anything comes around!) Yet he never adheres to any of my requests.

Sounds like such a first world problem, and I feel like such a cow, but AIBU to feel pissed off by this?

I'd take every bit of that shite back.

I would have lost patience by now and shouted 'I don't want anything to listen to! I want YOU to listen TO ME!'

walked over the the washing machine, bent down, loaded said 'gifts' into the machine, stood, turned the dial and pressed on, then proceeded to calmly make a cup of tea

Why? Did she want a washing machine for her birthday?

I think I get it, or where he could be coming from. DH is very into presents, especially surprises, and loves to give them. It really does equate to 'love' in his mind. In my mind, being an adult meant being able to choose what i get given, so its exactly right: i could fritter the money away and have loads of gifts to open, or i could save it up over a years or two for something much bigger.

We have now agreed to differ, he checks with me before buying anything expensive, and contents himself buying some 'prises on the off chance that one or other is a hit. Likewise, I try to get him some surprises and only discuss serious purchases ahead of time. Or buy a token as a surprise and then the al present when he has a chance to input.

The whole psychology of gifting does seem to be complex and deep rooted. Im my family, we are happy to give money, in fact prefer to pay into savings accounts for the next generation. He has two sons, one was literally scandalised by the idea that we should send him some money and let him choose his own present (where was the 'love' in that he said) , the other thought it was a brilliant idea.

The only good way forward to to talk about it, let him tell you what it means for him and then work out a compromise. All the best.

if neither of you drink, buying alcohol is extremely bone-headed. Especially at inflated tat-fest prices.

why won't 'let's stop buying each other presents' work? Does he have understanding issues?

He may like gifting as a sign of love - however I would find those gifts painful as they would reflect he didn't really know me at all. I'd also be annoyed about my missing holiday.

If he doesn't listen to you when you say not to buy them you may have to make it very obvious and even ruin a special occasion.

'Why have you bought me a soft toy? I'm not a child? Do you have the receipt, we'll take it back tomorrow' - and literally take him with you to return it and while you charity shop the old collection.

'Why have you bought me alcohol? You know I'm giving up. Who can we regift it to?' - make him wrap it up for someone else.

And so on.

I'd open them, not say a word and go an put them by the side of his bed.

Then when he asks why I'd lose my rag and tell him exactly.

Musings on gift giving.

I think when you're young and in love those teddies are great. Perhaps if you're romantically minded then teddies are great. I can understand why receiving the same things would get tedious and even be considered insulting.

It's almost like he's treating you like a child.

I like to buy stuff occasionally when I can, I put thought into it, what each person likes. DH moans at me buying chocolate as he doesn't want to get fat, but 4 days later, the chocolate was gone.

I understand he may be thinking oh she's buying me stuff, so it looks bad on me than I want to do fuck all for her. But for DH and the children, it's a thank you for helping and a thank you for doing stuff, sort of compensation there's stuff I can't do. I don't know if there's anything you'd like your DH to do which he doesn't or can't. If he feels guilty over something. I've read a few posts and haven't seen mention of children, maybe a bit personal but are there any fertility issues he feels bad about? Was wondering if this would be to compensate for that?

It seems odd that it's always the same stuff.

Be firm with him, next time he gets you something, sit him down, say the thought is amazing, it's lovely, but it's always the same things, you've said what you would like but instead he insists on the same gifts for every occasion. You want him to understand it really isn't necessary, you will gift some items out, so it helps you for birthdays.

Please DH save your money, the money saved could go on an outing, a weekend away. Please let this be the last time it happens, as you don't want to have to sit him down again, getting it tattooed on your head if needed.

Hopefully it'll sink in.

Seems really odd and annoying but I don't have any helpful advice. Others have said good things.

I think telling him in a cross way rather than a nice way? Or spelling out how they make you feel the opposite of loved and cared for.

I think that a month before the next occasion you should gather together all the gift items he's given you and you haven't used and say something like "you know how you've asked not to be given XYZ? I've asked too but I still get them and it makes these occasions very upsetting. Look what a waste it is! --I'm just about to take these toys to the charity shop because I'm drowning in them. Please can we both agree that neither of us wants this kind of gift and instead we'll have a special weekend away every year?"

Also, to the PP who said I would say I've got a links of London silver bracelet, over the years silver does get tarnished - you know you can clean silver, right?

Oh dear. He obviously means well but I can understand why you are getting tired of getting tat that you don't want, especially when it adds up to so much wasted money.

The thing I've found with DH is you really have to hammer the point home sometimes, and subtle hints just don't work. So I think you just need to be really clear next special occasion what you do want. I.E. 'I want item x on page 300 of the Argos catalogue for Mothers day', or 'here's the website link to the shoes I want you to buy me for my birthday'. It does take the surprise out of receiving presents, but as least you get something you want out of it so the money isn't being just wasted on tat.

I don't ignore his requests and desires, so why does he ignore mine?

Nailed it. Not sure what to suggest tho.

DH and I buy our own presents within an agreed price limit and give each other the receipts. It's not very romantic but we always get exactly what we want! Could you do something similar?

I suggest you give away the chocolate and alcohol to your neighbours rather than waste it. It would make you the most popular person on your street during Easter!

Why not re-gift the booze, chocs and soft toys? Either he'll get the message, or you'll save some money!

Or give him a list. That's what I have to do.

The first time he did this I can see that it would be a bit annoying but sweet.

After multiple times of him doing this despite you telling him not to, I'd be royally pissed off and would tell him so.

If someone repeatedly tells you they don't want X and would rather have Y (or nothing), then ignoring that is not sweet or lovely, it's bloody rude.

At best it shows he doesn't listen to a thing you say. At worst it shows he does listen but thinks he knows better.

I think it's time to get cross. Give the gifts back to him and say "I told you I didn't want this stuff, and we could have put the money towards something I actually want instead."

Oh god, sorry OP but after a few rounds of this I would actually get very cross, even if it ran the risk of making me seem like an ungrateful arsehole. I'm not sure how you've been so patient especially when it's costing a lot of money. After putting my foot down, if he bought more, I would have made him take it back. And if he never bought me another present, so much the better.

The whole thing just rubs me up the wrong way - the infantilising toys, the total disregard of your wishes as if he knows what you want better than you do, the wastefulness, the trump-card that it's a "nice" gesture so you're not allowed to reject it... urgh.

Let's think about this. The guy is going to Tesco to get @user1484750550 a present. He's not going to find jewellery or birthday-quality giftage in there, is he.

So given that, OP either needs to tell him that, yes, she would actually quite specifically prefer printer cartridges, a magazine, costa gift card, some new socks (or whatever else they sell in her local); OR get him shopping elsewhere.

that you would love to go to Paris for a weekend more than anything, and a romantic weekend away would benefit him and how about he plan one of those rather than all the little presents, oh thank you so much darling, I'll love you forever, etc etc?

You mean like the (mythical) 1950s? When women allegedly had to cajole their men by being nicey-nicey docile little people with only their dear man's best interests at heart? Where one couldn't ask outright for something without couching it in terms the dear chap would find acceptable?

I can't believe I'm reading this.

OP, stop being so meek and tell him you don't want them. Don't leave him in any doubt - before he tries it again, tell him you won't be accepting any more rubbish (cheap chocolate and naff toys?? yeah, so thoughtful). He is being very disrespectful, at best.

Kathkim - you may have soft toys but you also say 'luffs' rather than 'loves' so I think you've illustrated the point

I learned that word on MH

MN ffs

:D

Hatelog

Does he buy the drink/chocolate so he can have it himself?

I get a lot of unwanted gifts from bf. An iPad for Christmas , which don't get me wrong is a lovely thing to have, but I had specifically told him I didn't want as I have an iMac, iPhone and MacBook Air, and I already waste enough time online as it is. Did he listen? Did he fuck. Then the next month he's complaining about spending a grand or so more than he wants on a car because we are supposed to be saving for a house otherwise he's loading me up with chocolate and junk food which again, I do not want for obvious reasons. He thinks he's being kind I have tried to explain there are other ways to show your affection. He also spent a lot more on an engagement ring than I would have wanted him to. It's frustrating. I realise there are worse problems to have but I end up feeling like I'm the skinflint killjoy because I don't want this stuff that I don't need.