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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let teenage dss have a house key despite living here.

108 replies

DontActLikeYouKnowMe1 · 11/04/2017 19:03

Okay I am fully prepared to get flamed her but I can't think of any other option. Dss mother is erratic and bizarre. I have caught following me around before. She has been caught looking at my and my dc Facebook and we have not only had to block her but her son as well because she will use his account.

I would not put it past her picking up the key from her sons pocket and coming round when no one is in.

Dss goes to the same school as my son so they make same journey home.

OP posts:
Rescuepuppydaft2 · 11/04/2017 23:02

I would just have a lockable cupboard with keys in (inside house). If ds or dss will need a key they take a set, if they are going to be away (DS at his DF or DSS at his DM) the keys get left in the cupboard where you can see them. Then it is fair on both boys and they are treated equally. I would install CCTV/ burglar alarm if you are so worried that dss Mum will break in. It is awful not feeling safe in your own home.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 11/04/2017 23:07

No I am not naive. I do however you are concocting a ridiculous drama out of what the OP has told us.

buttfacedmiscreant · 11/04/2017 23:17

My son kept losing his key and forgetting it, so we gave him a key when he needed it instead of having it all the time.

OPs DSS is in a difficult position if his mum takes his key, it makes it awkward for him. I don't see a problem with him having it when he needs it. Often kids with two homes leave certain things in one home while they are at the other. He could have a hook in his room to keep it on when he is at his mum's house.

We ended up with a keypad for our front door, it worked well for us.

ollieplimsoles · 11/04/2017 23:27

Golly - only on MN do you get the "are you the OW" as if it explains everything and as if it gives a get out of jail card for any behaviour - however threatening/intimidating.

It doesn't explain everything, but it explains a fair amount...op hasn't actually answered the question yet.

EatsShitAndLeaves · 12/04/2017 03:57

Ollie - have this Biscuit

phoenixtherabbit · 12/04/2017 12:30

don't necessarily believe everything you are being told about his mother

I think it's more what she's experienced than what she's been told.

A few people have said that to me, don't believe what your Dp says about his ex bla bla bla, he actually never said a bad word about her to me. Then she punched him in the face in front of me, his parents and his child.

WannaBe · 12/04/2017 12:39

"She has been caught looking at my and my dc Facebook" if your facebook profile is public then it's fair game. And looking at someone's facebook profile is not stalking.

Added to that, given this is not your child, it's not your decision to make as to whether he has a key to his father's house and thus his home.

KazenoTaninoNaushika · 12/04/2017 12:46

Oh my days! You blocked her son because she "looks" at you on Fb?! Did her beady eyes on your photos make your skin actually burn a bit IRL?? Way to make HIM feel welcome in your life. Oh yeah, that and the huge issue that you won't give him a key!!

ThePigletatwork · 12/04/2017 12:54

So it seems that if you were the OW you deserve to be stalked and give the bitter ExW the chance to enter your house.

How odd.

phoenixtherabbit · 12/04/2017 12:55

I disagree actually wannabe if her step son lives with her it is at least half her decision half her husbands.

You can't be in the 'you have no power over your step child' camp, and the 'I still expect you to cook clean and do the washing and everything that comes with having a step child' camp.

WannaBe · 12/04/2017 13:11

No it needs to be a discussion and what applies to one child should apply to both.

So while the OP is within her rights to say to her DH that she feels uncomfortable with the fact that his ex may gain access to a key to their house in the event that DSS has one, the DH would be perfectly within his rights to either A, disagree, or B, state that if his son is not allowed a key then neither is her's.

But there is no evidence here to suggest that the ex is going to break into the house just because she has looked at the OP's FB profile.

I look at people's FB profiles all the time. If they're public then they're fair game. If you don't want people to see what you're up to on facebook then make your profile private. But there's a massive leap from that to breaking into someone's house.

BaggyCheeks · 12/04/2017 13:22

I'd have as little house keys on the go as possible. If I was in a situation where I had teenagers getting home at or around the same time and there wasn't a grown up around, then they would have a joint key with the more responsible of the two being in charge of it. But then my siblings and I grew up not having house keys. There were four keys - one for DM, DF, a spare and one for the back door. If we were expecting to get home while DM was out, the spare or back door key would be left in one of DMs hiding places in the back garden.

phoenixtherabbit · 12/04/2017 13:28

Op States she has caught the ex following her around before, I don't understand why posters seem to be minimising this to just facebook stalking.

kali110 · 12/04/2017 13:31

phone because the op hasn't said what she means by stalking ir following around!
For all we know it could be on fb!
Or they could have both been at the same place!

phoenixtherabbit · 12/04/2017 13:33

Is following around not just following around? I can't see how that can be misinterpreted.

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 12/04/2017 14:12

kali because following around doesn't need a more in depth description. It's clearly not following around via facebook. Because she mentioned the facebook seperatley.

I think you're being dived on a bit because you haven't explained a bit more. You haven't given DSS age and how often he stays.

Other pp have suggested giving him a key when he stays and when he leaves get the key back. Repeat.

hibbledobble · 12/04/2017 14:20

It seems very unfair of dss for him to feel excluded through no fault of his own.

Could you put a combination lock on the door, so that a code is needed as well as keys? Then let dss know that he cannot give the code out to anyone.

buttfacedmiscreant · 12/04/2017 15:56

She said she was following her car or in a car, something like that (too early and too lazy to look it up)

buttfacedmiscreant · 12/04/2017 15:58

"Added to that, given this is not your child, it's not your decision to make as to whether he has a key to his father's house and thus his home."

Well it is her home too, of course she has a say.

buttfacedmiscreant · 12/04/2017 16:00

My suggestion of having a hook for his room was specifically so it didn't feel like it was being taken away, that he was leaving it for himself. Just like he might be leaving other things in his room.

springflowers11 · 12/04/2017 16:10

She has been caught looking at my and my dc Facebook

isn't that the whole point of FB??

milliemolliemou · 12/04/2017 16:45

I would give the lad a key if not install a keypad (though if XW is truly unhinged she could presumably get that out of him since he is her son and we don't know how young he is).

If really worried I would install locks on a door to the study/your main bedroom. Snooping round your kitchen and sitting room or just visitig her son at your home in his absence isn't boiling bunnies. Unless she is the evil AND hacker in chief ...... and plans to corrupt your software as well as blow up your house ....

BlueChairs · 12/04/2017 18:27

Sigh my step mum has repeatedly said my mum is following her.... she just lives nearby and was at the supermarket at the same time god

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 12/04/2017 18:36

Other pp have suggested giving him a key when he stays and when he leaves get the key back. Repeat

Treat him like a visitor then. It is his home- not a place he visits.

The OP refers to the by as "her son" - "her" being the ex-wife. Very odd way to describe her husband's son.

WannaBe · 12/04/2017 18:51

"Well it is her home too, of course she has a say." in the Same way that he has a say as to whether her child should be allowed to come and go also. If you have two children in the house then you treat them equally. You can't have one rule for one and one for the other. So either they both have keys, or neither does.

And it never ceases to amaze me how many apparently unhinged ex wives there are on MN. Hmm. They're all deranged stalkers apparently..... Hmm. Well, if fb profiles are public then presumably anyone can look. And I'm not entirely sure how you "catch" someone looking at your fb profile.... and last time I checked I don't think that being in a car behind another car in a public place was a crime.... the OP sounds utterly paranoid.

Interestingly my eXH's partner sent my DP a friend request on FB last week. Have no idea why or even if eXH knows. I don't imagine it was because she wants to be friends since none of us speak and my eXH refuses to speak to my DP at all. So presumably she sent him a friend request so she could get a look at his fb for reasons unbeknown to either of us. He accepted it to give her enough time to have a look since it doesn't exactly make for gripping reading, and then removed her... not exactly a big deal in the scheme of things.... it's only facebook after all....