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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let teenage dss have a house key despite living here.

108 replies

DontActLikeYouKnowMe1 · 11/04/2017 19:03

Okay I am fully prepared to get flamed her but I can't think of any other option. Dss mother is erratic and bizarre. I have caught following me around before. She has been caught looking at my and my dc Facebook and we have not only had to block her but her son as well because she will use his account.

I would not put it past her picking up the key from her sons pocket and coming round when no one is in.

Dss goes to the same school as my son so they make same journey home.

OP posts:
TitaniasCloset · 11/04/2017 20:38

I wonder why the exw is 'mad'...

saracrewe2 · 11/04/2017 20:40

She has been caught looking at my and my dc Facebook

Who caught her? Did you log it with 101?

Get a new key grip OP.

saracrewe2 · 11/04/2017 20:40

You sound quite bizarre actually.

SparklyPantaloons · 11/04/2017 20:46

Yeah sure, because ex wives are NEVER legitimately crazy or anything. OBVIOUSLY OP was the other woman because it's unthinkable that some mothers are just massive bellends who don't deal well with rejection. That NEVER happens does it.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 11/04/2017 20:49

I don't have a problem with her son and don't want to punish him but she will take the keys and I just feel uneasy about it

I might have missed something but presumably he is your husband's son too?

I think you are being extremely unreasonable and precious.

It is his home, 365 days per year- due to circumstances not of his making and over which he has no control he only lives there part of the time.

I think it is an appalling attitude to take that he only gets a key when he is there.

DameXanaduBramble · 11/04/2017 20:49

You're an ow, then are you? Sparkly?

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 11/04/2017 20:51

She has been caught looking at my and my dc Facebook

Are you serious? This is supposed to be evidence against her?

I think it is very telling you describe the boy as "her son"

phoenixtherabbit · 11/04/2017 20:51

I do get where you're coming from.

My DSS lives with us, his mother is a psycho and I was reluctant to give him a house key because I really wouldn't put it past her to let her self in and snoop around kill my cats and set my house on fire

But he does have a key because it's his home and I know he keeps it in his school bag etc so I don't think she's really got access to it.

I dunno what to suggest other than give him a key and install a camera / burglar alarm with code in so that you'd know she'd been in an she'd be caught?

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 11/04/2017 20:53

But he does have a key because it's his home

Exactly.

Applebite · 11/04/2017 20:54

My DF has a burglar alarm where everyone has their own code, so he can tell who has been in (99.9999% of the time it's just him). You could get one and then you'd know if DSS' code had been used when he was at school, or if the alarm had gone off.

BUT that's assuming it's a legitimate need. Your OP sounds paranoid rather than legitimate, tbh!

phoenixtherabbit · 11/04/2017 20:55

Oh and before anyone suggests it I wasn't the ow Wink

Vegansnake · 11/04/2017 21:00

Don't give either a key.make sure someone is home when they get in

SparklyPantaloons · 11/04/2017 21:03

Nope Dame, thanks for asking Wink

EatsShitAndLeaves · 11/04/2017 21:17

Golly - only on MN do you get the "are you the OW" as if it explains everything and as if it gives a get out of jail card for any behaviour - however threatening/intimidating.

Hmm
buttfacedmiscreant · 11/04/2017 21:33

Don't know why people are all commenting on facebook and completely ignoring that XW has been stalking both DW and DH. I'd be leery too. I think the key when he needs it is a good compromise.

aforandromeda · 11/04/2017 21:38

There are times in all of our lives when we just have to bite the bullet and do the right thing however much it pains us. Give him a key.

kali110 · 11/04/2017 21:39

She has been caught looking at my and my dc Facebook
Like noone has ever had a look at another persons fb Grin

buttface maybe because the op won't clarify what she means by 'stalking'

Rainydayspending · 11/04/2017 21:40

It's a way to make a point/ try to start an argument isn't it. The key would be DSs.
What in earth do you think she's going to do? It's a bizare leap to think someone who had a poke around their son's FB is going to take a key from him (secretly) and sneak into your home.
Surely she's been in the door anyway to do drop off/ collect clothes or the like?

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 11/04/2017 22:09

Don't know why people are all commenting on facebook and completely ignoring that XW has been stalking both DW and DH. I'd be leery too. I think the key when he needs it is a good compromise

If this is even true it has nothing to do with the boy. This is home. He is not a visitor who only gets a key when he is there.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 11/04/2017 22:12

Golly - only on MN do you get the "are you the OW" as if it explains everything and as if it gives a get out of jail card for any behaviour - however threatening/intimidating

Even if she were threatening or intimidating it has nothing to do with her stepson- or to put it another way , her husband's son. He should not be relegated to the status of a visitor in his own home.

greenberet · 11/04/2017 22:14

I am the "pyscho" and "twisted" mum of DS & Dd who do not have a key to their DF's home in case I go in and snoop. I too "stalked" OW & Dh on social media where I found pics of an expensive lifestyle all the while being told by x that the company that I part owned was making no money. I was "goaded" into a reaction and when I did react got accused of harassment and "troubling" behaviour. My Dd is not allowed a key until she has "earnt" it - translates to she will never "earn" it as goalposts will continually move. Not giving her a key keeps her under his control - she cannot leave the house when he is not there as the house cannot be locked - this happened yesterday when Dd wanted to come home early but couldn't. My x is causing issues between my DS & Dd without the added "step" equation. Look up narcisstic personality/ EA common trait is to label the x partner as a lunatic. If you are truly wanting the best relationship with your DSS give him a key and don't necessarily believe everything you are being told about his mother!

workingmumsarebad · 11/04/2017 22:15

I had to drive down to pick up my DCs on one of the rare occasions Ex had them at his new house.

I drove down the main road behind her, new DP for EX- not aware that it was her - did not know her car. Car in front turned into same road I was, nothing unusual, pulled onto driveway, which I recognised as Exs.

I parked a bit further down the road, texted EX to say I was outside but his DP had just showed up, stayed in my car.

That got translated on social media as me stalking her, and sitting outside their house watching them.

Delusional people exist all over the place!!

Oh and yes I have looked her up on facebook - used to let me know where EX was and why he had failed to pick up DCs as agreed, so i could make it up to them and lie once again for their feckless father.

EatsShitAndLeaves · 11/04/2017 22:33

Lass - don't be so naive:

Golly - only on MN do you get the "are you the OW" as if it explains everything and as if it gives a get out of jail card for any behaviour - however threatening/intimidating

Even if she were threatening or intimidating it has nothing to do with her stepson- or to put it another way , her husband's son. He should not be relegated to the status of a visitor in his own home.

Not having a key when you are not there is a non issue.

He just doesn't have one he takes back to his mothers house.

Equally the mother is threatening IS a huge issue. Would you give access to your house to someone threatening? Where your children sleep? Yeah - alright then ....

yikesanotherbooboo · 11/04/2017 22:47

I advocated the keysafe but in fact my DC all only take a key if they are going to need it. We do , on occasion hide one in the garden if they are going to be early or lare. As long as both DC treated the same it is ok. As someone said earlier you can't punish DSS for his mormther's behaviour.... actually quite the reverse

EatsShitAndLeaves · 11/04/2017 22:55

Green - that sounds really shit.

The good and bad of MN is that advice comes from our own experiences.

I find it really sad when I read about situations such as yours - but equally the OP's.