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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let teenage dss have a house key despite living here.

108 replies

DontActLikeYouKnowMe1 · 11/04/2017 19:03

Okay I am fully prepared to get flamed her but I can't think of any other option. Dss mother is erratic and bizarre. I have caught following me around before. She has been caught looking at my and my dc Facebook and we have not only had to block her but her son as well because she will use his account.

I would not put it past her picking up the key from her sons pocket and coming round when no one is in.

Dss goes to the same school as my son so they make same journey home.

OP posts:
Orangepeach · 11/04/2017 19:20

He should have a key, I think it's a massive jump to think she will break into your home just because she's looked at your Facebook.
Also I'm Confused at why that meant you had to block dss on it, why does it matter if she looked at it anyway?

Original poster
DontActLikeYouKnowMe1 · 11/04/2017 19:21

I've got it he can have a key the nights he stays here but if he goes to mums he leaves key here and gets the key when he comes back. I have no problem with him having a key but I do have a problem with our house keys being accessible to her. Yes she has stalked me in the car before and dh. She is mad.

OP posts:
FrenchLavender · 11/04/2017 19:24

She has been caught looking at my and my dc Facebook and we have not only had to block her but her son as well because she will use his account.

I don't consider this to be indicative of remotely erratic or bizarre behaviour, it's perfectly normal curiosity. There is barely a person anywhere who hasn't/wouldn't look at a Facebook page given the circumstances you describe. It's your job to make sure your and your children's social media presence is locked down and set to private. You can hardly blame her (or anyone else) for looking if you put it out there to be viewed by anyone who cares to enough to search for you.

Sirzy · 11/04/2017 19:27

What does your husband think of this?

Sounds very unfair to deny him access to his own home

EatsShitAndLeaves · 11/04/2017 19:28

My DSS doesn't have a key.

We have no issues with her or her mother.

DH or I will give her a key when she is here and she gives it back. There is no reason for her to have one on her all the time.

We do have a "hidden" spare set and she knows where these are if there was an emergency. DSS has no problem with this.

I don't see why you would give a key to someone who didn't routinely need it tbh.

EatsShitAndLeaves · 11/04/2017 19:30

No idea why I used DSS - I meant DSD!

NabobsFromNobHill · 11/04/2017 19:30

Just tell dss for insurance purposes you can only have 3 keys maybe? (you, dh and ds!)

Do you have reason to think the young man in question is spectacularly stupid?

GloriaGilbert · 11/04/2017 19:34

Maybe get a combination lock to your front door? My sister just got one. She'd have to be pretty brazen to ask her son for the combination, and plus, it's changeable.

I would fight shy of not giving him access. It won't sit well with him.

WonderMike · 11/04/2017 19:37

Do you have a burglar alarm? You can get fairly cheap ones, then you would have a log of who - assuming you give DSS his own code - of who has been in the house, when. You can also use CCTV for the same affect. You could use a keysafe but only put DSS key in there on the days you were expecting him. Add an additional lock -
that he doesn't have the key for - that you don't use on the days he is coming home.

There's all sorts you can do to make DSS feel part of the family by having a key, but mitigating the risk of his mother getting hold of it.

Goingtobeawesome · 11/04/2017 19:38

Why might the ex wife be mad?..

oleoleoleole · 11/04/2017 19:40

Don't punish the son for the sins of his mother.

GloriaGilbert · 11/04/2017 19:43

Just tell dss for insurance purposes you can only have 3 keys maybe? (you, dh and ds!)

Do you have reason to think the young man in question is spectacularly stupid?

Snort.

yikesanotherbooboo · 11/04/2017 19:44

I like idea of keysafe box... both boys can be treated the same in their own home

OnTheUp13 · 11/04/2017 19:46

I'd put a key safe that's got a numeric code by the front door and say DS & DSS can use that.

DameXanaduBramble · 11/04/2017 19:48

Ohhh, she's mad is she. Of course she is.

JanetBrown2015 · 11/04/2017 19:48

My teenagers rarely take keys unless they are out with the car whcih has the keys on the fob. In stead I have to answer the door. If one is going to be back very late he leaves keys out. We also have a set hidden so well in an acre of garden no one could ever find them for emergencies. Can't you do something like that?

kali110 · 11/04/2017 19:49

Also want to know what 'following around' means.
If it's simply just on fb then i think it's a massive overeaction.

Original poster
DontActLikeYouKnowMe1 · 11/04/2017 19:49

I don't have a problem with her son and don't want to punish him but she will take the keys and I just feel uneasy about it.

OP posts:
DameXanaduBramble · 11/04/2017 19:52

How do you know she's will take the keys?

Inertia · 11/04/2017 19:52

Seems sensible that he has keys when he stays with you, and leaves them with you when he goes to stay at his mum's.

yikesanotherbooboo · 11/04/2017 20:00

Great music minds onthe !

melj1213 · 11/04/2017 20:16

Which parent does he spend most of his time with and which parent does he live most of the time with?

If he's only visiting you EOW then having his own key is really not a huge deal (although I'd still let him have one while he was there), if he lives with you and visits his mum EOW then it's more unreasonable not to let him have one.

However, even if you are determined not to let him have a key permanently, he should at least have a key when he is staying with you, even if it is only the house spare key. If you wanted to do that though he should be able to access his key if he needs it - so I'd get an accessible keysafe, that way he can leave his key when he goes to his mum's house, but he doesn't have to rely on one of you to be with him/let him in when he does come back because he can just get it out and let himself in

hideehigh · 11/04/2017 20:29

Give the poor boy a key.
What does your DP think of this?
Were you the OW ?

keeplooking · 11/04/2017 20:29

She has been caught looking at my and my dc Facebook

Erm...at a slight tangent, does this mean that people can tell if you have looked at their FB, without you sending them a friend request?

UppityHumpty · 11/04/2017 20:37

Reading between the lines, it sounds like OP might have been the other woman and the ex probably made some questionable decisions when she found out about the relationship. Unless the ex is still unhinged, which I doubt considering she is still the step son's primary carer, I think this whole post is OTT. Kids aren't stupid it won't be long before the stepson's 16 and can choose to end a relationship with an unfair dad/stepmum - giving him the ammo over a key which his mum probably won't even use is really, really sad.