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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

4 sons?

49 replies

Cantusethatname · 11/04/2017 17:46

This makes me feel a bit upset (from the Mail, sorry)

Danielle has spoken at length about her desire to have a daughter, after having three sons with her ex husband Jamie O'Hara, but she admits that will never happen naturally as she doesn't want to risk falling pregnant again with another son.

I have 4 sons, wouldn't change one single thing. But this kind of article makes me feel a bit down, like girls are valued more and every real mother just wants a daughter.

OP posts:
BewtySkoolDropowt · 11/04/2017 17:52

I think it's perfectly OK to want a girl when you've had three boys.

I also think it's perfectly OK to be happy with four boys.

Imo it's worse when other people assume you want a girl when you've had more than one boy (or vice versa).

KavvLar · 11/04/2017 17:55

Isn't she pregnant now?

grannytomine · 11/04/2017 17:55

Oh yes I have 3 boys and 1 girl. I was so fed up of people assuming that I wanted a girl that I refused to believe she was a girl when she was delivered. I was so adamant that "I only have boys" that in the end the midwife said maybe she was mistaken. I think I was a bit high at the time and just a little bit unreasonable. It was a bit like Blackadder when nursey was excited about the baby being a boy without a winkie.

Aderyn2016 · 11/04/2017 17:55

I think this comes from women fearing that they will lose some closeness to their sons when they marry and that daughters are more likely to remain close to you. I think there is some truth in that, when you look at who has most access to grandchildren. Usually the woman looks to her own mum for support and gives her more 'access' to dgc. There seems to be, on MN at least, a lot of clashes between dils and mils, whereas it is easier to get along with your own mum as women are more likely to not be in 'competition' for control with their own mums.

That said, there is no hard and fast rule. I remember feeling very hurt on my sons behalf when people kept wishing my next pg to be a girl. No one believed that I genuinely would be happy with another boy - I wanted a child, end of!

Snap8TheCat · 11/04/2017 17:57

Yes pregnant with a fourth son.

KungFuEric · 11/04/2017 17:58

This comes up regularly on mumsnet.

I think different cultures have favoured males or females at different times, and culturally right now in the UK with divorce and mixed/blended families women probably recognise a desire to have girls for future involvement in being a present influence in their life.

Aderyn2016 · 11/04/2017 17:59

I also think that people who get too hung up on the sex of their baby ought to get a grip and remember how lucky they are to be able to have a baby, when they want one. So many people struggle, or their dc have health issues to contend with. If you give birth to a live healthy child you really shouldn't be complaining about its sex!

JaniceBattersby · 11/04/2017 17:59

I think she is just daring to say what some of us feel. I have four boys. I adore them and wouldn't change them. I really want a girl but not enough to chance another pregnancy.

Wanting a girl doesn't devalue my boys but I feel really sad I'll never see a daughter walk up the aisle or do her bit for feminism or have her own kids or whatever.

Orange80 · 11/04/2017 17:59

What BewtySkoolDropowt said. Drove me mad when I was pregnant with DS2 and everyone would say "do you hope it's a girl?" (Suspect the reverse would have been said if I'd had only daughters though.)

I guess the only sad thing is that whatsherface is a public figure and her boys will read that one day.

Having said that, my neighbour had five boys. And she was open about how she'd wanted a daughter and laughed about it. Her boys are all grown up now, terrific, and I don't think they're damaged from it.

I think it's a bit natural to want to parent a kid you can relate to - women wanting girls, men wanting boys. Doesn't mean you'll love either any more or less.

WorraLiberty · 11/04/2017 17:59

Well my aunt had 6 girls before she finally had a much longed for boy.

UnicornMadeOfPinkGlitter · 11/04/2017 17:59

I'd have loved a boy for number three. In fact if I could have chosen I would have chosen a boy. I had a girl who I love dearly and wouldn't change for the world but before I knew her a family of all boys would have been fab.

I hated all the comments about oh you can stop now you have a girl etc. We didn't try for any baby she was a complete surprise but we would have stopped boy or girl.

6demandingchildren · 11/04/2017 18:00

I have 5 boys and 1 girl. The girl is the second eldest. Wouldn't change my kids for the world as they were blessed to us.

Aoibhe · 11/04/2017 18:02

I can understand her feelings. It doesn't mean that she loves her sons any less, or isn't grateful for becoming pregnant and having a healthy child.

itsnotterrysitsmine · 11/04/2017 18:03

I am currently 16 weeks pregnant with dc3, & currently have 2 beautiful little boys. We are not going to find out our babies gender, & can honestly say we have no preference as to whether this baby is a boy or girl - either will be a very welcome addition to our family. People have asked if we want a girl, are trying for a girl etc & my answer is we just want a healthy baby.

OhDearToby · 11/04/2017 18:04

I think it's sad too.

I.am pregnant with my third girl, no boys. To be honest the first I had no preference, the second i wanted a girl (because dd1 was bending my ear constantly about only wanting a sister) and with this one I had no preference what's so ever but am highly irritated by people asking me if we're "trying for a boy".

SomethingBorrowed · 11/04/2017 18:04

I guess it would be the same if it were 3 girls and no boy...

OwlDoll · 11/04/2017 18:07

6Demandingchildren

Snap!! I had the same combination in the same order until last summer when I had another Dd ,seven years after my last child. Wouldn't change her for the world but I did feel a pang that I would never have a baby boy again.

thecatsarecrazy · 11/04/2017 18:11

I have 3ds. My 3rd was in hospital for a month, p.i.c.u for a few days, and nurses would say is this your first? No 3rd all boys and they would say things like oh are you going to have another? Or better luck next time. Really pissed me off

pinkiepie1 · 11/04/2017 18:11

Im expecting my 3rd daughter. It was more to my dh that people kept saying ooh bet you're hoping for a boy and in all truthfulness he wanted another girl, and im sure most people didn't/don't believe him. Mil pissed me off slightly by saying she hopes its a boy for her cos it will be our last one, her last chance for a grandson. I was like can we just have a healthy baby please??

smilingsarahb · 11/04/2017 18:13

I dont think it's a case of not valueing boys in this instance, although I do think there is a trend to see boys as a consolation prize. I think it's more a case of having been there and done that by the time you get to 3 or 4. Done boy clothes, boy toys, boy friendships, boy style puberty is looming etc and thinking that a 4th round of that wasn't needed. If it was a guaranteed girl it would be a first round of girl clothes, girl friendships and girl puberty so might seem worth it for a different experience. I'm fairly feminist in that I think that boys and girls will play in very similar ways given a free choice and don't think there is a huge gulf between the sexes but I would like the experiences of supporting a girl through puberty as I do think it's a totally different challenge and possibly supporting a daughter through pregnancy and birth. I stopped at 2 boys and have no regrets at my all boy brood but can see the appeal of experiencing raising different sexes.

Crunchymum · 11/04/2017 18:17

DP is one of 5 boys. My MIL openly admits she wouldn't have had as many kids if the 2nd or 3rd had been a girl Hmm

DP is 4th boy.

Crunchymum · 11/04/2017 18:18

ETA, MIL is actually lovely and has a good relationship with all her sons..... but I'm always a little gobsmacked when she says she would have had less kids had her 2nd or 3rd been a girl.

IAmAmy · 11/04/2017 18:19

I have no idea who those people are but have never heard of "girls being valued more than boys". From a 2013 poll:

"Almost half of Americans want their first child to be a boy, according to a new study.

Out of the 2,129 recently married couples surveyed by money-saving website CouponCodes4u, 47per cent said they would prefer to have a son first, and most said it was because boys are 'less hard work'.

Only 21per cent of the respondents said they would like to have a daughter as their first child, and 32per cent said they had no preference either way."

I've also seen similar polls conducted in this country. Then there's this: www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1212994/Thats-boy-After-girls-fears-getting-bathroom-TV-newsman-Colin-Brazier-reveals-felt-finally-fathered-son.html as just one of numerous examples of people saying similar after they've had only daughters. That's without recounting sexist comments I've overheard from some boys about how disappointed they'd be if they were to have a daughter in future and people thoughtlessly referring to potential future children as "he".

raviolidreaming · 11/04/2017 18:21

The feelings of other people, about their own situation, don't bother me in the slightest. We're all entitled to our own feelings, and she should be able to express wanting a daughter if that is her preference without being criticised.

Kitsandkids · 11/04/2017 18:22

I once saw a documentary about women who had children all of one sex and were trying for the other. One woman had about 5 boys and went to the ultrasound and sobbed and wailed when it showed her next baby was a boy as well. I wanted the sonographer to remind her that she was lucky to have any baby in there. She then went home and cried to her parents, in front of her sons, about the fact it was a boy. I bet her sons felt a bit shit that she didn't feel they were good enough for her.

I understand people have preferences but I think you should keep them to yourself and just be thankful for what you get.