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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that this woman on her gap year, wanting to adopt an African baby and bring him back to the UK, is ridiculous...

118 replies

user1489261248 · 10/04/2017 20:02

metro.co.uk/2017/04/10/british-teacher-moves-to-africa-to-adopt-boy-she-cared-for-while-on-her-gap-year-6564554/

When there are multiple 100s of 1000s of children in this country needing loving homes, this woman on her 'gap yar' has decided she wants to bring this little boy home from Uganda and adopt him. Unreasonable? Or perfectly OK?

She has even set up a gofundme page for her legal fees!

I think it's ridiculous personally.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1489261248 · 10/04/2017 20:18

Am I meant to care if it's 'backfired?' No-one knows who I am LOL. I was just saying I thought it was ridiculous and wondered if anyone else did. Big deal

OP posts:
Original poster
user1489261248 · 10/04/2017 20:19

I bet if I had been that woman doing it, you all would have said I was a ridiculous attention seeking mare, trying to look good!

OP posts:
Reow · 10/04/2017 20:19

That's the child she loves. She's known him from a newborn.

What if someone swapped your baby with another baby?

AndNowItIsSeven · 10/04/2017 20:19

Yabu and clearly don't know the first thing about attachment.

Reow · 10/04/2017 20:21
Biscuit
pennypickle · 10/04/2017 20:22

I bet if I had been that woman doing it, you all would have said I was a ridiculous attention seeking mare, trying to look good!

Why would you think that? I'm genuinely confused 🤔

LettuceMash · 10/04/2017 20:22

You sound like you care that it's backfired, OP.

LOL

BurnTheBlackSuit · 10/04/2017 20:22

YABU about her wanting to adopt him. That's understandable.

However, I am slightly dubious about it. He had 7 siblings. What happened to them? It doesn't sound like contact has been kept (BBC: "I've done my best to keep him in touch with the village he came from so he can see his neighbours.") Why was the care of a 5 day old baby given to a volunteer who was on a gap year and only there for 2 months. What a terribly irresponsible charity.

YANBU about crowdfunding. Especially as the BBC article contains this line: "Her parents help support her living costs and she has taken another teaching position to cover Adam's school fees." (another one after the job she lost from the sound of the BBC article). School fees ??! He's 2.5 years old.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-39552891

Kiroro · 10/04/2017 20:25

Wow usually I am reasonably against adopting a foreign baby given the issues with removing a child from their culture etc but this is quite a special case, she didn't go out looking for a baby but has built up an attachment and has done LOT to make this work. Like move to Uganda! With a job! She didn't intend to loose her job FFS.

VanellopeVonSchweetz99 · 10/04/2017 20:26

They have formed an attachment. It's a love story. I have donated and YABU.

Sammysilver · 10/04/2017 20:27

YABU. If she'd adopted a white baby from, say Norway, I doubt you'd be that bothered.

UndersecretaryofWhimsy · 10/04/2017 20:29

My guess is other relatives took the older children, but couldn't/wouldn't take the newborn - it does appear he was voluntarily turned over to the charity rather than being wrested from their arms. (In this telling anyway - it's hard to know for sure.)

Under those circumstances, and presuming his alternate fate is a children's home, it's hard not to see her point that he'd be better with a stable, loving mother, even if it means moving to the UK and only visiting Uganda.

Instasista · 10/04/2017 20:31

She sounds fairly amazing. I agree the crowd funding/ job to pay school fees is a little odd but we're obviously getting a sanitised version of the story. Maybe she is obliged to support the older brothers and sisters financially

GloriousSlug · 10/04/2017 20:31

Hmm while I can see why she wants to adopt him, I'm a bit uncomfortable about the idea of his siblings being left behind, no word about what has happened to them presumably because they're not cute cuddly babies ?

These white saviour adoptions trouble me generally though, as does gap yah volunteering... It all smacks of residual imperialism...

Funnyonion17 · 10/04/2017 20:32

It's a beautiful story. Get a fucking grip and have a heart. What has the little boys origins etc got to do with anything?!

Yes our care system does have children waiting for homes and it's not ideal. But compared to out there it's luxury. She formed a bond due to looking after him

nonameinspiration · 10/04/2017 20:33

I think she's pretty selfless actually. A 25 year old single graduate had the world at her feet but as she said 'life had a different plan for me'
I imagine when they get back to the uk she will go straight back to work as a teacher. She's hardly going to be a drain on society! Good for her I hope it works out

x246 · 10/04/2017 20:34

How has she raised him his entire life/been his Mum? Confused She raised him for two months, left for a month because she wanted to go to her graduation, went back for four months, left because her friend was getting married and she needed to earn more money, went back for the summer and then got a job teaching in the UK so just visited him in the Christmas and Easter holidays last year.

If he does have an attachment to her then her yoyoing in and out of his life has likely done him more harm than good.

LadyMaryofDownt0n · 10/04/2017 20:35

How much does she need? I'll give her as much as I have. This is a wonderful selfless act & as adopted child I think what she's is doing is amazing.

Op you are a Biscuit

Billben · 10/04/2017 20:35

what are you doing to help the 100's of 1000's of kids in care?

^^
This

Instasista · 10/04/2017 20:35

Also- let's be realistic- even if she wanted to adopt any child, she would be highly unlikely to have been found as a suitable adopter in the UK

NotReallyMeToday · 10/04/2017 20:35

I am another one who was totally ready to agree with you - I think international adoption is very dodgy normally - but I think in this case it is the right thing to do. She's cared from him since birth, she's gone through insane amounts to be with him, she sounds far better equipped to make sure he's raised to understand his birth culture than most, and I think ripping the child away from her and into institutional care at this point would be far far more damaging.

So, yes, donated. I hope it all works out.

duxb · 10/04/2017 20:36

It's so easy to fall in love with children on trips like that. Particuarly if you are there essentially from birth or during really formative times in their lives.

I spent time in KZN in South Africa and a young girl really bonded with me. She was seven, her father died when she was a baby and her mother had died about a week or so before we arrived. She sat on my knee on the floor and cried. The woman looking after her advised me that it was the first time she had cried since her mothers death and so I held her. At the end of my stay, I had the pleasure of witnessing her first day at school. She came home and ran straight to me, showing me her work etc.

I adored her. Meeting her was the thing that made me sure I wanted to be a parent. If the option of bringing her home had been feasible I'd have done it in a heartbeat. I was eighteen.

She was one of around thirty children I spent a lot of time with during my trip, Sometimes you just have an incredible bond.

Fair play to the girl.

WeAreNotInKansasAnymore · 10/04/2017 20:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BillSykesDog · 10/04/2017 20:37

Adoption is great and I'm all for it usually. However with no job to support herself much less a child and not prepared to finance the venture herself given the go fund me page its madness

He's two and a half and she's looked after him from birth. She had a job and a plan but unfortunately she lost her job and things changed. What do you expect her to do? Dump a child she's brought up for 2.5 years since birth in an orphanage? Would you think it was reasonable to expect someone to sack off their birth child if they lost their job?

It sounds like she has a great support network in the UK and seems like a mature and sensible young lady who is very committed to this little boy. I'm sure she won't struggle to find work here. I wish them all the luck in the world and hope she completes the adoption soon.

Willyoujustbequiet · 10/04/2017 20:38

Im very uncomfortable with his brothers and sisters left behind. They have had enough pain losing their mother without separating them further.