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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have just lied to other parents about what I do?

115 replies

ShamefulDodger · 10/04/2017 18:47

Inspired by a recent thread on here about loneliness I decided I didn't want dd to end up like me (I'm essentially an autistic hermit) so enrolled her on a dance class.

We had our first lesson today and actually it went really well. Dd had a shaky start but then went off to dance happily with the other children.

It was a very proud moment.

I even managed to hold a conversation with a group of parents without appearing too odd. (I hope)

But...the inevitable question of 'what do you do?' came up.

I thought I was 'blending' in quite well, so didn't really want to announce that actually I was disabled and an ashamed recluse that lives off benefits.

So I told them I was a writer

Not a successful one or anything. But I told them that was my work.

It's not a total lie. Writing is the big one of my obsessions. I've got mountains (not an exaggeration) of files and usb's full of everything from little articles to a children's series of books I've written.

I've just never sent them anywhere.

But in true obsessional fashion I am now trying to figure out if I've made a complete idiot of myself and should send dh from now on.

Or front it out because it's only a sort of half lie.

OP posts:

Alidoll · 12/04/2017 10:33

Send it off now!! Don't wait or it'll never get sent and you'll always come out with another excuse down the line.

What's the worst thing that can happen? They don't respond..as others have said, even JK Rowling was knocked back by most of the publishing houses and it was a small outfit that saw past the fact it was a kids book...and now look at Bloomsbury AND JK Rowling.

No excuses, no..."I'll just finish this.." get it out there!!!

ChocolateSherberts2017 · 12/04/2017 10:37

Send the manuscripts off, convert your spare room into your hide out and start practicing how to do major strops. It'll come handy when people ask you about your work etc!

I17neednumbers · 12/04/2017 10:39

"But...the inevitable question of 'what do you do?' came up."

Agree with awwbabyspider, that is quite an inconsiderate question - many people may not want to say. Is it now considered ok to ask that of someone you've only just met?

(I realise it can be appropriate if the conversation's gone a particular way, but surely better not to ask unless you're sure the question will be welcomed.)

Anyway, I agree - send off your work op!

ChocolateSherberts2017 · 12/04/2017 10:41

Or privately publish on Amazon to get a feel for the reception towards your work. It's completely remote so you don't have to come into contact with people. This will give you the confidence to publish in the traditional way when you're ready.

riceuten · 12/04/2017 10:44

Stick them on a blog.

Bingo, you're a "published" writer !

TeaQuiero · 12/04/2017 10:47

I'm a SAHM. Honestly, it didn't even occur to me to lie but I started to get some awful reactions from people. I find it very upsetting though I suppose I just need to get tougher.

These days I'm very tempted to lie. Once it's slipped out and I was basically pretending to still be at my old job. Other times I just say "not working at the moment" like I'm between jobs.

YANBU, anyway. Honestly, people's reactions can be harsh and rude and I don't begrudge anyone wanting to avoid it.

IceCreamVans · 12/04/2017 10:49

Send it off OP and let us know when it comes out.

When I was in my early 20s, I was at a party and a woman asked me what I did. I said "I'm a model". I have no idea where it came from. I wasn't a model. I had absolutely no desire to be a model. I'd never been told I could have been a model.

She then proceeded to ask me all sorts of questions about how the industry works, how much you get paid, what you have to do. I bullshitted the whole lot but I think I sounded pretty convincing.

Thankfully she was just visiting a friend who was at the university and I didn't know the friend so I never had to encounter her again in anyway. This was also before FB so no chance of finding me.

I often wonder if it was now she's create a MN thread "AIBU to think this average looking, 5'4, 8 stone woman could not possibly be a model"...

fakenamefornow · 12/04/2017 10:50

Oh, this thread's made my day op! It's the 12th today, PLEASE, send something off by the end of the month and come back and tell us. We're all rooting for you.

Be prepared for lots of rejection though, don't let it get you down, just keep going. Image what a great result it would be if you became a publisher writer, from a 'lie' at a dance class and a MN thread! That's a story in itself for you.

OSETmum · 12/04/2017 10:50

I honestly wouldn't worry but please, please do send off some of your books or get them published on Amazon. You just never know what could happen until you give it a try!

TiggyD · 12/04/2017 10:57

I've been a nursery nurse for 25 years. Reading lots of books to children, many of which were shit. (Books, not children). I had often made up little rhymes to amuse myself and others, and they were usually well received. I thought I'd give writing children's books a bash. A bit a research led me to The Children's Writers' and Artists' Yearbook, which helped me learn about formats and what publishers are looking for, and the next steps I needed to take.

I wrote some books, sent them off to agents, got rejected. Remembered JK Rowling and wrote more, sent them off, got rejected. Did it again and sent some to a few publishers, got rejected.
Then when I least expected it, I had a reply from a publisher saying they liked one and want to take it further. (Was told it would be summer/autumn 2017 before they started doing stuff with it though.) If I hadn't had persisted I would never had reached that next step.

Please go for it. If you don't it will make everybody on here sad, and you'll never know. That 'what if...' could haunt you for years. Not knowing would be far worse than a polite "It's not what we're looking for" from an agent.

MackerelOfFact · 12/04/2017 11:01

Totally agree with everyone else, you are a writer!

Next time you see these mums, you can truthfully tell them you're currently looking for an agent and selecting which manuscripts you want to send off.

Because you will be, won't you?

Gwilt160981 · 12/04/2017 11:08

Well you could turn that writing into blogging?

rockcake · 12/04/2017 11:12

OP, buy a copy of the writers and artists yearbook and become obsessive about getting something published. That was a v little white lie you told, and who knows? One day it may not be a lie at all

rockcake · 12/04/2017 11:14

Sorry if everyone else has already said same .... haven't rtft

humblesims · 12/04/2017 11:15

Taking small steps to overcome social anxiety is the best way forward. Keep it up because you are doing well and it will help. Try not to worry about making 'social cock ups'. People do that all the time and the world doesnt come to a screetching halt. Dont allow yourself to dwell on conversations that you have had or things that you have said. Just live your life and care less about what the rest of the world think. And, yes, send those writings off! You are not lying. My great moto is fake it til you make it. :)

mousymary · 12/04/2017 11:17

It's funny, that if you're a SAHM, you're a SAHM, but look at actors. Some have only had one part 20 years ago, yet they are always an actor. They don't mumble, "I used to be an actor, but..." Likewise artists. Are they really making a living from the odd painting or artwork?

I have said worse, though. Once, when I knew I'd never be seeing the people again, I responded to the inevitable, "And what do you do?" with "I'm a zookeeper." No idea why I said it. But I made up a lot of crap about working with cloven hoofed animals...

Mummmy2017 · 12/04/2017 11:18

Your an unpublished Writer, so was J K R of Harry Potter fame once,,,

Rossigigi · 12/04/2017 11:18

You are a writer! Well done on taking the leap to wet new people for your daughter

Rossigigi · 12/04/2017 11:18

Meet not wet bloody phone

TiggyD · 12/04/2017 11:19

You might get lucky and have to call yourself JammyDodger.

ChocolateSherberts2017 · 12/04/2017 11:25

Agree with above poster, taking small steps to manage your social anxiety will give you confidence. As a mum of dc on the spectrum, the Girl with the curly hair is a fantastic resource for women & girls with ASD.
thegirlwiththecurlyhair.co.uk

ForTheSakeOfFuck · 12/04/2017 11:32

Ha! I came on thinking you were going to have done some sort of Joey-esque "ten years at RADA, five years at Cats" (okay, totally showing my age, don't care) but you have neither lied nor exaggerated. By the sounds of it you even do more writing than some published authors who bang out one thing ever and then never manage to finish anything else.

Spoken by a serial non finisher. I can get the start, and a GREAT middle, but how the fuck are novels meant to end???

Anyway, well done you all round. And maybe, if you feel brave enough, consider sending off one of your things to a publisher somewhere. Under a pen-name if it helps you to feel a bit more protected. you just never know.

SpikeGilesSandwich · 12/04/2017 11:37

I nearly cried reading this, I thought I was the only one hiding a medical condition and desperately ashamed to be receiving benefits (only support group esa, I don't class myself as properly disabled and wouldn't apply for anything else, I feel I deserve to be skint as I haven't earned the money). People don't understand how terrifying it is to be asked "What do you do?" when you don't have an answer. You should be very proud of your writing and the way you handled the social situation, more power to you!

CarpetBagger · 12/04/2017 11:53

Agree with Spike

MrsLogicFromViz · 12/04/2017 11:56

Hey @Shamefuldodger - I am almost in the same boat as you, autistic with a 9yo ASD/ADHD DS. I was made redundant this time last year and hate answering the question of 'what I do' too.

Good luck with your writing. I blog at faspie.blogspot.

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