Future DIL WWYD

[Notwavingimdrowning]

Huge backstory that I've posted about before under a different username, so I will keep it quite brief ! My future DIL hates my family for some reason that we don't know about, despite practically begging for her to explain what we did / do that makes her hate us so much and therefore be able to sort it out. I know that MIL get a really bad time on MN, but can honestly say that we have been nothing but kind and welcoming to her from the beginning, if anything I admit probably over compensating for the rude way she behaves. She is coldly polite in front of my DS, but will completely blank us if we bump into her when she is on her own. ( in a relationship with DS for 10 years and she has always been this way). I have spent so much time analysing every conversation that we have had to figure out if I have offended her in some way but she hates us all as a family and refers to us as losers, overheard by a very close friend that she didn't realise knew who she was. We are just a normal family, live in a lovely but modest house and have never been in trouble so I don't understand why she considers us to be losers.
Anyway, we work in the same field but not in the same place, but recently I had to visit the department where she works, several times in the same day. I was with a very senior member of staff who knows both of us and knows she is engaged to my DS but is not aware of how she behaves towards me. On 3 separate occasions she saw me and though I said hello, made a point of turning her back to me in order to not have to acknowledge me. At one point I was actually close enough to reach out and touch her ( I didn't !) before she marched off to a different area away from me. By this point it was completely obvious to the manager that there was an issue and when we left he discreetly asked me about it and to my utter shame I started to cry and told him everything. I felt totally humiliated and embarrassed, but he was lovely and advised me to speak to my DS. I did and he must have asked her about it as I've now received a text from her to say that she's sorry, she didn't see me, I was mistaken as she was so busy, she would never deliberately ignore me, blah blah blah, but it just isn't true and definitely not how it happened. I decided today that enough is enough and I will no longer spend any more time worrying about her and trying to make her like us. I know that you cannot force someone to be respectful and I finally decided to leave them to get on with their lives and stop trying to be part of it, as much as it breaks my heart to essentially cut off my DS, as I also realised that I actually blame my DS for allowing this to go on for 10 years.
WWYD ? So far I haven't replied to the text. Would you ignore ? Reply with the truth, so essentially call her a liar ? I'm not going to say I was mistaken because I wasn't ! I know she saw me, she knows she saw me. Please wise people of MN tell me what to do.

I think this is like when people say about children "behaviour is communication". She doesn't like you. It may very well not be your fault but be due to her own insecurities, or a personality clash. She doesn't want to talk to you about it.

Your son is going along with it but not cutting you off himself. I think pushing it can only make things worse. Try and accept it. Be nice. Hope that things get better in future when she needs babysitters

I'm afraid I disgree with most of the posters here. The OP sounds quite difficult and overbearing to me.

Son and DIL have told you that she's shy and doesn't have any particular issues with you. Yes you won't believe her because she's " dishonest " .

You analyse every single interaction you have had with her over 10 years . Don't you think that's a bit intense ?

You blame her for every choice that your son makes that you don't like. It's their engagement party and he chooses not to invite you - her fault.

He sees you three times a week which you don't consider enough - her fault.

They want to arrange their own wedding - her fault.

You said mean things about her to a senior manager at her work. The manager wisely refused to get involved and said it was between you and your son.

You have taken this as some sort of permission from a higher authority to have A show down with her where she must answer your questions " honestly " ( which means give the answer you want ) .

Despite your unprofessional conduct , , she has sent you a text apologising. However you decide not to answer or even acknowledge it because it's not enough for you. It doesn't admit enough fault for your liking .

The poor girl must be terrified where you will pop up next and emote her private family business to others.

I expect you are planning to go to their wedding and complain to every guest who will listen about how you were not involved enough. Or perhaps you will burst into tears as you did in her workplace.

DIL clearly doesn't like you and you can't and will not accept this - you want to control her and FORCE her to like you.

However it seems that the feeling is mutual as you clearly dislike her very much as this thread shows.

You want her to give you A REASON but You won't accept the reason she has given - she's shy.

If there was another reason, I'm not sure you are able to Listen and take her concerns on board . I suspect you want A REASON so that you can dismiss it, point out how trivial it and show how she's wrong and you are right.

If you force any more confrontations with her and / or your son, you will lose him. He's been with her for 10 years and they are soon to marry. He's made his choice and so has she. They have every right to live their lives the way they want and you need to accept it.

I understand that you will disgree with my comments and suspect that you will get angry and attack me. Which is a shame, as I think that backing off is the only way for you to have any hope of an ongoing relationship with your son and any grandchildren .

Could it be your DH that she has a problem with and it gets projected on to you? Have your DH and DS always got on?

, the situation is at rock bottom as it is. I really think the OP has nothing to lose by saying this situation can't go on.

Her DS pops round 2-3 times a week to see her! Many DMs would dream of seeing grown up DCs that much!!
She does have plenty to lose by making demands, believe me, they could cut contact entirely, or see DS could see her a couple of times a year.
He is grown up, she cannot insist that he and his OH do anything.

Olive there are various bits of your post with which I strongly disagree, or let's just say that my interpretation differs hugely from yours. Totally fair enough.

But this:

I understand that you will disgree with my comments and suspect that you will get angry and attack me

What on earth makes you say this? If nothing else you have to admit that the OP's responses have been measured, self aware and anything but angry, and she has attacked no one. Why would you think otherwise?

Totally agree with ohido and olive.

I think this because of the DIL and sons reaction to the OP.

They have told her there's no issue and she won't accept it and says the DIL is dishonest. Now they are avoiding her while she pursues them.

And because of her conduct at the DILS work .

I suspect she can't hear opinions that are different from her own and gets angry and atacks. So her son is scared to confront her.

Most posters here have been very supportive of the OP and agree with her perspective. I have a different view so I suspect the op will find that hard to hear.

I may well be wrong of course, it happens a lot. It's hard to truly understand from a thread online.

I suspect she can't hear opinions that are different from her own and gets angry and attacks

Again, on what do you base this. She has not attacked the numbers of people who have disagreed with her here?

To be fair, I think your use of the term 'I suspect' is very well judged: there is certainly no concrete evidence for it that I can see here.

Finally:

It's hard to truly understand from a thread online

Of course, you are right!

I don't think the future dil is shy or anything, she dislikes them.
she thinks OP are losers and she cant say that to their face.
I think OP should answer her text politely as I said before. if she doesn't she will be in the fault.
she better accept her as she is from now on, ignore her but be polite and live her own life. I agree most of what Olive says.
she is lucky she sees her ds 3 times a week.

Oh but just to underline a point I really can't get my head around

And because of her conduct at the DILS work

You are not alone in making this point but my reading is that it was the DiL's behaviour that caused the problem. Obviously OP's reaction did not help, but she said herself she was not proud of it

Why post pointlessly nasty and invented stuff like this:

I expect you are planning to go to their wedding and complain to every guest who will listen about how you were not involved enough. Or perhaps you will burst into tears as you did in her workplace.

I think you should slowly take more control of the situation. try not to be upset by her anymore and wonder what you have done. Don't keep asking what you have done wrong. I know it is hard if you are not a pushy person. She has told you that there isn't a problem. Don't let her get away with this behaviour though. You can do this without confronting her, as this may suit her to have a big falling out and she can cut contact completely. Instead I would kill her with kindness. If she is outside in her car, go out and chat to her and offer her a tea. If she ignores you at work again, I would go up to her so she couldn't turn her back easily and say hello until she acknowledges you. At any future gatherings of both families push yourself forward and go and chat to her family if they are ignoring you. Ask her opinion on your wedding outfit or ask to go shopping together. Ask her parents round. As long as you are nice and pleasant she can't complain and if she and her family continues to be horrible to you your son will see this and it will be harder for him to sweep under the carpet. Really Hope things get a better for you.

I understand that we have very different views Ed and I appreciate the courteous tone of your posts to me.

In my opinion , what hapened at work is a sign that the Op is escalating the pressure on this young woman to do what she wants. The OP had the advantage of the younger woman as she knew about and had planned for the visit. I don't think this was coincidence.

I fear she will repeat this tactic as the wedding gets closer. I don't think this will end well. Her attempts to force the DIL to do and say what she wants will simply alienate her son further.

Anyway that just my opinion. Like everyone else I'm trying to read between the lines to work out what's going on.

I understand that we have very different views Ed and I appreciate the courteous tone of your posts to me.

Straight back at ya

I think the whole thing about the son visiting 2-3 times a week is a bit of red herring.
The OP herself said it isn't every week, is often literally a few minutes and also for things like picking something up or returning an item borrowed.
Might seem a trivial point, but it doesn't suggest close, quality family time. Or a great set up for a deep and meaningful.
I agree it's better than nothing and find it encouraging he still wants to interact with his family. It doesn't mean that it solves all the other issues by default.

The thing is, the OP is asking for opinions on a situation which she can only give her side of. Most people will describe their own behavior as reasonable and OP has done that. OP has described the DIL and says her son does nothing to change the situation.

All we can say here is

1. ''Oh god what a bitch DIL is being so your choices are ...'' a) ignore her b) have a show down with her or c) have it out with your son.

or

1. ''Perhaps it's not as clear cut as one side of a story only being given would seem'' so a) could OP be actually not as reasonable and lovely as she is putting across here or b) something has gone on in the family which she doesn't know abut or hasn't told us.

The no.2s are just as valid thoughts as the no.1s when the OP is asking for discussion.

OP i've read thread but forgotten if you've said - does your son have siblings? What's their take on it? What about your DH? What has he suggested?

In support of who said that though, work places are full of politics that are undesirable.

Why burst into tears because someone you know, who doesn't want to communicate, doesn't go oh MIL darling, my best friend, hello, how are you, hope you're keeping well. Firstly it would be rather false. Realistically DIL will have been dragged into the office and told I don't care if you get on with someone or not outside work, you will talk to visitors who visit the workplace. To me crying is very manipulative. It wouldn't have been surprising DIL didn't speak, when she has little to do with you anyway.

So I support the assertion that there will be further tears at some point, because things aren't going the sons Mothers way. After-all weddings are something girls dream of for a long time.

I'm still not buying she's an absolute psycho who abuses OP's DS. She's just a woman who isn't going to be false in any way.

My big fat debt of a wedding was a big fat debt, because MIL was horrified there wouldn't be a sit down meal. My family said fair enough, but is she going to contribute in any way. The answer was no. Then we had truly obscure guests, that neither ex H or I knew, but she had to invite them.

My family paid a fortune towards the wedding, we took out money to top up as the full amount wasn't covered. MIL didn't make any effort apart from saying that my choice of bm dress was slutty, she wouldn't turn up to the practise dinner, or the breakfast the day after the wedding. But she happily dictated what was and wasn't allowed.

She even insisted on wearing a special flower piece, last night as I said, I believe that's when she sabotaged our flowers, making me want to cry and my bouquet, even getting questions from relatives and the groom, what on Earth was this backing plant to add greenery. I blamed the florist for years, but now I'm not too sure. Given when I got married again I got the most beautiful bouquet and church flowers, the bouquet was cheaper than the monstrosity that I had to hold. It was pure just

So will OP cry or make it known to who she can that she had no input. Bearing in mind she guaranteed her DIL a bollocking for concentrating on her work over playing happy families in the workplace...

If you want to believe OP is hard done to, keep feeding that ego, one poster has been a bit saying why would she want to be pally with the in laws. The rest have this poor girl down as some psychopathic monster, who locks OP's DS in a cage, letting him out occasionally for good behaviour, but then beats him with a stick.

Why burst into tears because someone you know, who doesn't want to communicate, doesn't go oh MIL darling, my best friend, hello, how are you, hope you're keeping well

That's not why she burst into tears though was it? It was because the manager showed understanding in a situation that has been stressing her out for years. As she said, not her most shining moment professionally, but a LOT of us have been there.

Given your own experience Fairy your projection/extrapolation is completely understandable...but it doesn't make it right, or even logical in this case.

Really?.....

So will OP cry or make it known to who she can that she had no input.

As I say you are projecting...and saying things that run totally counter to what OP has said. I truly sympathise with where you are coming from, but that was your MiL and not the OP

Olive your 'pov' as you call it, is sheer invention. I hear Fantasy Island by Tight Fit in my head when I read your posts here.

Sorry FairytalesAreBullshit but you've just posted another long post that is nothing to do with the OP but is just about your own issues. I really doubt that the OP is to blame for the way your weekend was organised.

weekend wedding

Bah.

I have to agree with Pictish.

Pictish - it's not invention, it's a scrip. Like the cheaters script. Easy to spot if you know.

Of course I may well be wrong, as may you.

I'm happy to hear that you have music in your head.

It does, it really could be that simple!

Neither shyness nor dislike explains the behaviour. It's perfectly possible to be shy or dislike someone and a) behave normally and b)not be rude.

I have the example of my sister who dislikes her inlaws. She's never rude to them, they don't even know she doesn't like them.

I'm sorry I'm playing Devils advocate. I'm going off my experiences of Mums and Sons. Another funny story, when I got with DH and it was apparent that he would be staying where I lived once everything was done, MIL wasn't that nice. She quickly realised that if she behaved in a negative way, this would impact on things with her DS & GC.

So she did all she could, when they visit I work hard to organise a decent meal, show MIL pictures, get DS & DD to show off something they're proud off. Roughly once a month DH will go to his parents but it's not accessible for me, plus my condition can change quickly, so I'm better off at home.

MIL & FIL didn't rush to see DS or DD once they were born. I wasn't fussed, they could have come the day they were born if it was up to me. But they left it a few weeks. MIL uses her position to buy all the school clothes and outdoor clothes as she gets discount at a really nice shop, that is why our bills are low. She also contributes other things with FIL that help DH out. Like they take trips to Calais to buy certain things, we use French toilet rolls, washing liquid and washing powder, for that we are grateful.

My PIL also call several times a week. We've been together a long time, so very quickly they realised if they didn't get on board, despite their reservations, life would be a lot different in a negative way.

Whilst possible, I find it really hard to believe that there hasn't been an incident that provoked the situation. If it was solely DIL, putting her foot down, DS would text his Mum or contact her when DIL wasn't about.

It sounds like whatever happened impacted both of them and created the situation as it is now.

With my first marriage I wasn't hot on MIL but I adored FIL. My ex could do whatever he wanted, he had an active life, but I wasn't so keen, neither was FIL, being dragged to MIL hobby. On my only day off I wanted to sleep, not feign interest in something I knew very little about.

The funny part of that story was, MIL alienated herself, pretty much, against a whole village. People were tripping over themselves to tell me stuff about MIL.

So whilst I'd love to have empathy for OP, I do feel that crying as a response to DIL not engaging with her, was designed so the director felt sorry for his visitor, which would have impacted DIL. Who cries in the workplace, let alone an office that you are visiting. To me that is manipulative.

Imagine you saw someone whilst visiting another office, they didn't say hello, would you break down in tears in front of the director?