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AIBU?

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Original poster

to breastfeed in front of my parents?

109 replies

parentsvsPIL · 09/04/2017 05:14

Sad question to be asking.

My parents and sister + family are visiting to meet DS, they're arriving next week.

When my sister had her DD, my mother told her breastfeeding in front of other people was disgusting, and my father stared so much at her breasts that she quickly felt too uncomfortable to feed in public at all. So she fed her DD in the bedroom and weaned her by 7 months. Parents thought that was appropriate and will often complain about women "who feel the need to show off their bodies in public just to make a point" - by breastfeeding.

I'm much older, have seen more of the world, and am far bolshier than my sister was. I've got to 5 months of breastfeeding DS wherever and whenever, in public, and have only had a couple of incidents where I've needed to employ the steely gaze.

However as is ofen the way I am reduced to a quivering teenager by my parents (who have never been remotely empathetic or seen any need to modify their own behaviours or judgements). I'm feeling worried and embarrassed and they're not even here til Thursday. I know their judgement on this is horrendously out of step with normality. I also know they'll be judgememental and my father will stare.

Also if I feed in front of my sister she's going to resent me. She'll be a cow about it. Her husband will probably be rude about it.

DS will pick up on the atmosphere and get distracted & grizzly.

It would be easier for everyone if I just went to the bedroom to feed while they're here. And that makes me furious.

OP posts:
SpookyPotato · 09/04/2017 08:49

user Depends on your boobs but mine are like melons and the nipples are low down so feeding meant getting my whole boob out GrinWish mine were neat like that!

Catsize · 09/04/2017 08:50

Should say, the worst people for it were my brothers - both under 30! Again, I persevered.

Inertia · 09/04/2017 08:50

I would absolutely feed my baby in front of family like this, and would challenge them on any comments they made. Hiding yourself away would reinforce to them that their views are correct, and they'll continue to think it's acceptable to intimidate breastfeeding mothers.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 09/04/2017 08:50

One of my childless male friends is uncomfortable seeing me breastfeed, so he takes himself away when I feed, going to make tea or checking his phone or something. He doesn't turn his discomfort on me to try and make me feel awkward. Some people do feel awkward about breastfeeding, particularly if they haven't experienced it and don't understand it, but there are so many ways they can avert their gaze without making a fuss.

In your shoes I think I would somehow mention that you are breastfeeding in advance so they don't have a "shock" moment. Then when it is time to feed say "I'm going to give DC his feed now, you can stay if you want, or go and make a cup of tea if you prefer". If they make negative comments say "actually this is making me feel awkward now. Please don't make any more negative comments and stop staring at me dad, or you can go to the kitchen if you prefer". If they criticise your decision say " this is working for us and we are carrying on. I don't want to discuss it further, let's talk about something else".

If you do want to avoid that and go to your bedroom instead do - having a baby is tiring enough without confrontation - but I'd probably reduce any visits, as it isn't fair that you are having to hide away upstairs.

KnitFastDieWarm · 09/04/2017 08:57

People can be utterly bizarre when it comes to feeding a baby. I had to formula feed from fairly early on for several very good reasons and certain family members decided that they knew better than me and my consultant and that I was 'lazy' for ff Sad we can't bloody win can we? You feed your baby your way and if your family don't like it they are welcome to leave the room themselves fuck off home Grin to be honest they sound thoroughly unhelpful and not very nice so don't feel that you have to see them just because they happen to be related to you!
Enjoy your lovely baby x

DarklyDreamingDexter · 09/04/2017 09:03

I suppose it comes down to whether you have the energy to have a row about it with your family. If you're up for it, assert your right to feed your baby how you want in your own home. If at the end of the day you'd rather things passed off smoothly and without incident, taking your baby to the bedroom for a quiet/private feed might be the best option. You shouldn't have to, but if you don't you know the consequences you are letting yourself in for. Are you in the mood for making the point?

TupperwareTat · 09/04/2017 09:07

I would tell them not to visit.

Allfednonedead · 09/04/2017 09:09

I think I would calmly warn them beforehand when you are going to feed DS and say if it makes them uncomfortable, this is a good moment for them to go and eg unload the dishwasher.

user1471558436 · 09/04/2017 09:15

Tell them to look the other way if they have a problem.

But more importantly don't get into a discussion about it. Remain calm and emotionally removed from comments

SovietKitsch · 09/04/2017 09:17

Whatever it is, it's not bloody generational - I've fed my babies on front of my great uncle in his 90s, and he was a catholic priest! Never batter an eyelid. Just carried on the conversation with me as though nothing of note was taking place which of course it wasn't

TinfoilHattie · 09/04/2017 09:18

It's not a "generational thing". My parents were totally supportive of me breastfeeding my children - up to a point. I did get the "are you STILL feeding him??" comments when my youngest was having a night time feed at almost 2. But they never made me feel uncomfortable with feeding in front of them and during the early days when they visited they kept me stocked with cups of tea.

Inlaws - a different matter. Same ages as my parents but come from a background where nobody breastfeeds. MIL made "best for the baby" noises but would clearly have preferred me to be using a bottle. FIL more vocal in his opinions that breastfeeding was about the mother, not the child. BIL and SIL totally mortified by the whole thing. Nieces and nephews fascinated - they were all under the age of 10 - lots of questions which I didn't mind answering but SIL minded a lot because the inevitable end result was "why didn't you feed me like that?"

I totally get where you're coming from OP - you want to make your point, but on the other hand don't want to cause a fuss. Just remember it's your parents who are in the wrong here.

SovietKitsch · 09/04/2017 09:18

And I would feed your DS wherever you feel comfortable, even if that happens to be on the sofa in front of the TV - there is no way I would move in my own house for such unreasonable people, I'd rather they took offence and left.

Helenluvsrob · 09/04/2017 09:21

Get a boob hat for you ds and give them a steely glare whilst feeding him with it on !
www.google.co.uk/search?q=baby+boob+hat&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&hl=en-gb&client=safari

silkpyjamasallday · 09/04/2017 09:25

Ugh it's attitudes like this that means people give up on breastfeeding before they planned to, or just discourages people to start at all. My in laws always ushered me into another room to feed dd in the first few months, but eventually I got sick of being sent away essentially for the whole evening when she was cluster feeding because it makes them uncomfortable. It just meant it was pointless me and baby attending any social occasions because we would be shut in a separate room. Now I just do it at the table during dinner or whatever, it is their issue not mine, they still don't make conversation with me when I'm 'doing that' but sod them I say! Dd always get stressed when we visit as she clearly picks up on my pissed off vibe. My own parents are totally fine with it and have never made me feel uncomfortable, even in the first few days when I was sitting stripped to the waist at the kitchen table pumping as I fed dd with a syringe for the first week or so as jaundice meant she wasn't feeding efficiently.

Don't allow yourself to be made to feel uncomfortable in your own home, feed him as you usually would, there may be backlash but at the end of the day you are doing the best for your baby and he is the most important person to consider. A grizzly baby isn't fun for either of you, but it has had the benefit for me that visits can be cut short because the baby is fussing.

diddl · 09/04/2017 09:26

If they are rude/uncomfortable then the can fuck off out of the room!

They sound very controlling-especially your dad trying to intimidate by staring.

I'd be tempted to cancel the visit.

I fed in front of my parents & ILs.

We had an open plan sitting room/dining room & initially I would go to the dining room where I had a comfortable chair & could look out into the garden, so I enjoyed sitting there anyway.

Then I began to feed in the same room.

Would just turn away from my dad or FIL whislt I latched on.

Fruu · 09/04/2017 09:36

If anyone objects to me breastfeeding I tell them that the World Health Organisation recommends that all mothers should breastfeed until the age of 2 as a minimum, and that if they feel uncomfortable they can sod off because I'm following medical guidelines.

Luckily my family and friends are mostly supportive but I had one really weird comment at a party that "breastfeeding after 6 months causes brain damage" - wtf?!? And my dad got a bit weirded out when my nearly 2 year old DS toddled up and stood helping himself while I was sat down. I told him it only seems weird because not enough people are following the WHO guidelines for it to be a commonplace sight.

captainproton · 09/04/2017 09:38

You are a grown woman and you don't have to put up with their nonsense. You can't change them, why let it get to you. But really I haven't met a single woman who breast feeds a 5 month old with her tits flopped out for all to see. It's not like you need skin-to-skin at this stage. I assume you don't get undressed to breastfeed out in public, I except a little nipple and slight breast exposure is inevitable but really i doubt there will be much to gawp at except the back of a baby's head.

Original poster
parentsvsPIL · 09/04/2017 09:44

You are right, absolutely nothing to see other than DS' head. Though I am tempted to get one of those boob hats...

OP posts:
oleoleoleole · 09/04/2017 09:59

Please don't change your routine for them. If they have an issue please suggest that as you and DS are not uncomfortable but as they are they can leave the room etc etc. Stand your ground.

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 09/04/2017 10:00

I think calm assertiveness is the only option here. He's only five months so you're likely to face other battles in the future. You might need to set out your 'my baby. My way' stall now Grin

It doesn't need to be aggressive though.

In your house: "DF, I'm going to feed DS now. Would you pop and make me a cup of tea?" (He doesn't have to come back if he doesn't feel comfortable)

Out and about, "I'm going to sit in this seat to feed DS. If you don't want to see you might prefer to sit there"

Turn this into his issue to manage, not yours.

On a side note, my dad tends to stare if people are breastfeeding. He is absolutely not perving or disapproving. He just finds the mother/baby bond beautiful. If you're ever out feeding and feel someone is staring, remind yourself that they're probably like him. I do nudge him if I'm with him, but I found it quite empowering when I was feeding to know that those 'judgmental stares' probably weren't. I just kept repeating 'they're just like dad' in my head!

Gottagetmoving · 09/04/2017 10:06

Tell them you will be breast feeding before they visit. If they still decide to visit then they have no right to object.
I breastfed my second baby. My in laws came to see him at our house when he was a few days old and didn't seem to mind when I fed my son. I heard afterwards that mil was annoyed I hadn't gone to my bedroom! She also said it was embarrassing to bf when men were present.
They didn't visit us again until I stopped breastfeeding.

Orangebird69 · 09/04/2017 10:27

I'm still bfing my ds at 18mo. I've bfd in front of both mine and dh's family with no issues whatsoever. Mil does think that I should stop now (not that I've asked for her opinion - I firmly suspect it's because her precious dd/my princess of a sil only did 16mo with her ds), but I've never been made to feel uncomfortable about it in general by anyone. Either at home or in public. You carry on as you are. They can bugger off.

Batghee · 09/04/2017 10:33

I think there will be bad atmosphere but i also think you would probably feel much better about yourself if you didnt let them bully you and just did what you wanted.
In the grand scheme of things its only words. You know most people out in the real world are actually on your side, you know that medical evidence is on your side, you know you are actually doing whats best for your baby. So just do it if you want to and stare them out.

Batghee · 09/04/2017 10:34

and i agree with pp. If they have a problem with it, then it should be them to leave the room.

IfNotDuffers · 09/04/2017 10:39

OP - MN often says you don't have a MIL problem, you have a DH problem. I think in this case you don't have a bf'ing problem, you have a parents problem.

It's probably easiest emotionally to keep the peace for now, and let the visit go ahead while feeding in another room. But for the future, it seems to me like you should consider really carefully (perhaps with some outside help) how your relationship with your parents works, and how you want it to work. Things like whether you actually get anything from it, or is it a constant source of stress and worry? Because I suspect otherwise it will get worse over time.