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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to breastfeed in front of my parents?

109 replies

parentsvsPIL · 09/04/2017 05:14

Sad question to be asking.

My parents and sister + family are visiting to meet DS, they're arriving next week.

When my sister had her DD, my mother told her breastfeeding in front of other people was disgusting, and my father stared so much at her breasts that she quickly felt too uncomfortable to feed in public at all. So she fed her DD in the bedroom and weaned her by 7 months. Parents thought that was appropriate and will often complain about women "who feel the need to show off their bodies in public just to make a point" - by breastfeeding.

I'm much older, have seen more of the world, and am far bolshier than my sister was. I've got to 5 months of breastfeeding DS wherever and whenever, in public, and have only had a couple of incidents where I've needed to employ the steely gaze.

However as is ofen the way I am reduced to a quivering teenager by my parents (who have never been remotely empathetic or seen any need to modify their own behaviours or judgements). I'm feeling worried and embarrassed and they're not even here til Thursday. I know their judgement on this is horrendously out of step with normality. I also know they'll be judgememental and my father will stare.

Also if I feed in front of my sister she's going to resent me. She'll be a cow about it. Her husband will probably be rude about it.

DS will pick up on the atmosphere and get distracted & grizzly.

It would be easier for everyone if I just went to the bedroom to feed while they're here. And that makes me furious.

OP posts:
ShowMePotatoSalad · 09/04/2017 08:07

Here's just a snapshot of the comments I've had since I've been breastfeeding. Incidentally all these comments were made before my son was weaned, between newborn and 6 months old:

  • "Don't you think you should bottle feed now. He needs to get in to a routine"
  • "You'll spoil your baby with all that feeding"
  • "Babies should only need feeding every 3-4 hours, not every 5 minutes"
  • "Shouldn't you give your baby some juice? Your milk won't be enough"
  • "Well I bottle fed my babies and they were all fine" (proceeds to give me a dirty look)
  • "Are you sure you're comfortable feeding here [in a cafe]? Would you like me to cover you up with my scarf?"
  • "Breastfeeding is only for mums in third world countries".
  • "It's such a shame for your DH that you're breastfeeding. He's going to miss out on feeding the baby too".

All of these comments were made by members of my family and friends, ie my support network. It was actually quite difficult to overcome those criticisms because they made me doubt myself. Glad I managed to ignore them though. Do what's best for you and the baby OP.

Increasinglymiddleaged · 09/04/2017 08:09

The other thing I can't get past is that in the other poster's example all a pair of expectant grandparents can find to witter on about is 'don't bf in front of us'. Not 'aw... It's exciting', 'we just can't wait', 'what colour eyes', 'I reckon it's a boy' etc but 'don't BF in front of us, pleeeassse' Confused. It's just ODD.

mycatloveslego · 09/04/2017 08:09

I think like you I'd be very torn between standing my ground and feeding wherever I chose to, and keeping the peace within the family.
If the fall out from feeding in front of them was going to be massive, I'm not sure I'd want to be bothered with that kind of drama just to prove my point, especially if it wouldn't change anything going forward.
My parents were uncomfortable with me bf DS1 in front of them and we lived in a tiny flat then. I used to let them know he was due a feed and if they were uncomfortable with that they were welcome to step out of the room until we were done.

NerrSnerr · 09/04/2017 08:10

It does surprise me that so many have said cover up or go in another room. It's your house and your baby. If they feel uncomfortable they can go elsewhere when you feed.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 09/04/2017 08:12

I agree OP shouldn't have to slink off somewhere else in order to satsify the pathetic ignorance of her family members. If they've got that much of a problem seeing their grandchild feed naturally then they wouldn't be welcome in my home quite frankly.

StrawberryJelly00 · 09/04/2017 08:13

The dad staring at your sister's boob has nothing to do with him being 70 and rude it's plain pervy?! Wtf

For that reason alone I would have them over for 1 hour only between breastfeeds and say I breastfeed in this house and I know you all have issues with it so you can leave now.

Saves arguments & shows them who is boss at the same time, your child is way more important than their idiotic views

Rollonbedtime7pm · 09/04/2017 08:14

Tell them you're about to feed and suggest they go to another room - weirdos!

then take ages on purpose

Nanny0gg · 09/04/2017 08:20

Why are you in touch with them at all?

NanooCov · 09/04/2017 08:21

In two years three months of feeding my son (just stopped - sob!) the only times I've fed in a different room is when he's been particularly distractable and I'm at risk of nipple lash with his head whipping around.
His comfort is my priority, not that of any other adult who can quite frankly bugger off elsewhere if they can't "cope".
Oh and someone said up thread it's a generational thing - bollocks. My son has fed in the presence of two great grandparents in their nineties and we both had nothing but support.

Original poster
parentsvsPIL · 09/04/2017 08:23

Thanks everyone. I like theelephantofsurprise's suggestion Grin

I'll see how I feel. We will be feeding when out & about, so I guess there will be confrontation then anyway. I will also be modelling behaviour for my niece, who could certainly use a few lessons in being calmly assertive and standing yp for what she believes in, rather than the resentful capitulation she's being taught by the rest of the family.

OP posts:
morningconstitutional2017 · 09/04/2017 08:25

How would you feel about feeding baby in front of parents after telling them firmly and pointedly that "it's time for baby's feed and I'm going to do it here as it's perfectly natural, I'll make sure you can't see anything nasty, what's your problem?" or words to that effect.

Then feed baby discreetly whiling beaming at them.
Or will you take the easy way out and go to your bedroom? I wouldn't blame you if you did but why should you hide away? Your sister's response is her problem.

Clarabell33 · 09/04/2017 08:25

Dad always left the room when I fed DS. He's a smoker though so gave him another excuse to pop outside. DH used to order his family out of the room at our house, or I'd ask where I could go for privacy at theirs, mainly because BILs were a bit panicked! Point is, most of the time I stayed where I was comfortable, and anyone who wasn't, left. But to keep the peace and avoid nastiness in your situation, I'd just go upstairs. Perhaps with a couple of snarky comments about 'accommodating guests'.

user1491678180 · 09/04/2017 08:27

What a sad and upsetting thread. My grandmother (when mine were babies,) used to be delighted to see I was breastfeeding mine. (She was born in the 1910's and this was the 1990's, so she was in her 80's at that point.) She said there are few sights more precious than a woman breastfeeding. Smile She wouldn't sit there watching of course, but she did stay and observe for a moment, as she thought it was lovely. My mother and dad were also pleased I was B/F, and my grandad used to bring me a glass of milk 'so I wouldn't run out.' I'm not kidding. Grin

I love to see women B/F their babies too. I don't STARE at them (obvs!) but I do look for 5 seconds or so, think 'awww,' and then look away. Grin

Yeah, the parents of the OP do sound toxic and have a VERRRRRY weird and unhealthy attitude towards B/F. The dad stares his daughter's breasts, (can he even see them when she is B/F?!) and the mother thinks it's disgusting. That's very odd. I really struggle to comprehend how anyone can have an issue with women breastfeeding their babies. They are just feeding them FGS. I think people who are weird about it have 'issues' tbh.

I would say to them that you will B/F where and when you want, and you are not showing off your body. (WTF?!) Shock

All that said, from all you have said OP, I don't think I'd even want them in my house, or my life for that matter. No-one should be in your life if they are toxic, not even parents.

Original poster
parentsvsPIL · 09/04/2017 08:29

re the generational aspect — I think every generation has its nice people and its utter twats. Breastfeeding in public is something that was not done by my parents' demographic in their generation, so it's not surprising that it's one of the things my parents can't cope with in the modern world. That is not to say that all 70+ people are as inflexible and rude as my parents!

OP posts:
user1491678180 · 09/04/2017 08:30

@showmepotatosalad from 8.07am. Those comments are awful that you received when breastfeeding! Shock Sounds to me like the people in question had issues, or they were jealous that you were B/F yours because they couldn't/couldn't be arsed.

BeyondThePage · 09/04/2017 08:32

What's with the "staring at breasts is pervy" thing... my parents/IL looked lovingly AT MY BABY FEEDING - DM would sometimes smooth my DDs hair in passing - whilst she was latched on feeding - because to be honest she looked so beautiful and peaceful she just wanted to reach out and touch her and feel connected with me and DD at that moment - I would not have said they were staring at my breasts (my breasts were not generally on view feeding anyhow.)

user1491678180 · 09/04/2017 08:33

You are right about there being twats in any generation OP. As I said, my gran and grandad born in the 1910's were cool about B/F, and yet some people born in the 1970's and 1980's seem pissy and judgemental about it!

user1471558436 · 09/04/2017 08:34

I think you can feed the baby as planned but ignore any comments. Don't get into a discussion about it. Don't take the bait and get into a catch 22 of arguments/comments. Just smile contentedly to yourself if they say anything. Or if you have to say something, just say that you're not prepared to discuss breastfeeding at all. Be calm. Let all their crap wash past you. Be the still in the storm.

Original poster
parentsvsPIL · 09/04/2017 08:38

BeyondThePage you do make a good & valid point. I was living overseas so didn't see my sister in the 7mo she was feeding at all. Father may have stared too much when she wasn't feeding, so then him staring when she was feeding felt like more of the same. I don't know. Will see what happens...

OP posts:
user1491678180 · 09/04/2017 08:38

That bit did confuse me @beyondthepage When I B/F my babies, you couldn't see my breast; well maybe a bit of it, but only as much as you see when a woman wears a bit of a cleavage showing top of dress ... I mean all you see is this...

images.fitpregnancy.mdpcdn.com/sites/fitpregnancy.com/files/styles/scale_1500_1500/public/field/image/beautiful-african-american-woman-breastfeeding_700x700.jpg

Not sure how to post pics sorry.

Peppapogstillonaloop · 09/04/2017 08:39

It never ceases to amaze me how fucking weird people can be! Op you sound awesome despite your family! If i weee you I would be boobs out all over the show but I like a confrontation about that kind Of ridiculous attitude. I get the impression from your tone that you might regret not standing up to them afterwards? Totally understand the desire to not make visit unpleasant though..tough call!

user1491678180 · 09/04/2017 08:41

Maybe dad is just mesmerised by the breastfeeding .. It is quite fascinating after all. Smile

And maybe that is why mother thinks it's 'disgusting' because her husband stares!

Ktown · 09/04/2017 08:41

My breasts looked like udders while I breastfed but I hoicked them out at the slightest sqeak of my baby.
I did it in front of my dad and work colleague and no one cared.
I never had negative comments.
I would go for it and let them leave the room if it is upsetting for them.

Original poster
parentsvsPIL · 09/04/2017 08:42

Certainly my IL watching DS feed didn't feel remotely pervy. But there's a difference between watching while having a conversation, and staring aggressively. I've seen a few people do the latter and it feels very different.

OP posts:
Catsize · 09/04/2017 08:49

I bf both of mine. I could tell that in the early days, my dad was uncomfortable with it. He used to leave the room. This changed though, as I think that even he realised it was his problem end he needed to deal with it. Also, both mine were tongue-tied and constantly feeding and so in the end, we just got on with it.
I wouldn't say anything before feeding the baby. If your dad says anything, just say 'you can leave the room if you like, but please don't feel you have to on my account'. Makes minimal fuss about it but makes it clear you're not going anywhere.
At 5mths in, you're probably pretty adept although might be at that stage where the baby just flings themself off and leaves you exposed. Grin