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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to breastfeed in front of my parents?

109 replies

parentsvsPIL · 09/04/2017 05:14

Sad question to be asking.

My parents and sister + family are visiting to meet DS, they're arriving next week.

When my sister had her DD, my mother told her breastfeeding in front of other people was disgusting, and my father stared so much at her breasts that she quickly felt too uncomfortable to feed in public at all. So she fed her DD in the bedroom and weaned her by 7 months. Parents thought that was appropriate and will often complain about women "who feel the need to show off their bodies in public just to make a point" - by breastfeeding.

I'm much older, have seen more of the world, and am far bolshier than my sister was. I've got to 5 months of breastfeeding DS wherever and whenever, in public, and have only had a couple of incidents where I've needed to employ the steely gaze.

However as is ofen the way I am reduced to a quivering teenager by my parents (who have never been remotely empathetic or seen any need to modify their own behaviours or judgements). I'm feeling worried and embarrassed and they're not even here til Thursday. I know their judgement on this is horrendously out of step with normality. I also know they'll be judgememental and my father will stare.

Also if I feed in front of my sister she's going to resent me. She'll be a cow about it. Her husband will probably be rude about it.

DS will pick up on the atmosphere and get distracted & grizzly.

It would be easier for everyone if I just went to the bedroom to feed while they're here. And that makes me furious.

OP posts:
Original poster
parentsvsPIL · 09/04/2017 07:15

Consensus seems to be go with peace rather than "my house my rules" — while I agree with thr latter I think DS and I will be much happier without the confrontation.

OP posts:
user1471495191 · 09/04/2017 07:17

I fed in public and in front of family. I was discreet and while I didn't use covers (baby hated them and I realised it was harder to see what you were doing!) I never had any boob on show, would just keep baby close and wear a lose top I could pull back. As DC got older (over 1) and would expose me suddenly or I started to wear more tops which required me to strip off then I would find somewhere more private. Including going upstairs when at home. Only one older male relative of my husbands ever showed any discomfort, but I made sure I did what felt right for me and the baby first and foremost.

rizlett · 09/04/2017 07:18

what's the most important issue for you here, op?

showing your 'family' that you will stand up for yourself and your dc or keeping things more simple whilst they are staying with you? (either one is fine of course - and both just a choice)

whichever one you go for (though i really also like other choices mnetters have offered - like them not staying with you at all - why should you allow anyone to make you feel uncomfortable doing something completely normal and natural?)

will you be able to gather some 'treats' for yourself to help make it feel nicer if you decide to feed in another room and/or for being brave and standing up to them. (which is of course a completely natural part of growing up...)

Increasinglymiddleaged · 09/04/2017 07:20

If this is for real then like the previous post I replied to I suggest the premier inn and that if they feel uncomfortable they remove themselves from your home.

What a pair of utter weirdos.

Longislandicetee · 09/04/2017 07:21

I would do it. I fed my dcs everywhere and anywhere. I was discrete. Ie no flashing boobs so if people had a problem then the issue was theirs not mine.

Mil (with whom I get on well) was a bit funny about breastfeeding because she never did it. I think she sort of tried to make me feel weird about it but I just ignored her. I also ignored my mum who thought it was great that I breastfed then thought it was weird when I did it past 6 months. Ignore! Ignore! Ignore!Grin

Screwinthetuna · 09/04/2017 07:23

Of course feed in front of them! Your parents have wiped poo from your vagina regions...can't see how they would mind seeing a strip of boob?

I did what I did pretty much all the time; I wore a vest top under an outer top, pulled the outer up and the vest top down. Nobody could complain about that as they literally can see NO boob at all. This is how i did it on benches/supermarkets/restaurants/
trains/on the side of the street etc and never got a single comment. Just do it and ask nobody!

Megatherium · 09/04/2017 07:23

Can you enlist your sister as an ally? If you unite in telling your parents that their attitudes are ridiculous, and in particular telling your father that it's creepy to keep staring at breasts, you might just achieve something.

intheknickersoftime · 09/04/2017 07:23

I think if they start with you and dare to make any comments about you breastfeeding, you send them packing and i would make it abundantly clear to them before they cross your threshold. They don't deserve a relationship with you or their grandchildren if they mock your decisions. Awful. You do what you want to op and what you feel you can cope with Flowers

MrsELM21 · 09/04/2017 07:28

I couldn't be bothered with the hassle so I'd go and enjoy the peace somewhere else even though their views are ridiculous, and slightly weird

Original poster
parentsvsPIL · 09/04/2017 07:28

I agree with all the posters saying they have no place making me feel uncomfortable about something entirely normal. I am strongly tempted to be mother tigress and tell the lot of them to get lost if they have a problem with it. It is obviously my responsibility now to be the best parent I can be for DS. However I have to choose either courage + stressful confrontation, or cowardice + peace for ds and me. Peace may be the better option this time, for a 5month old who will only pick up on stress rather than see mummy standing up for what's right. Confrontation won't change their views.

OP posts:
intheknickersoftime · 09/04/2017 07:31

It's not cowardice to choose peace and no confrontation. You do what you think is best Flowers

Scentofwater · 09/04/2017 07:33

You might not want the fight, but if you did you could passively aggressively ask your DH to pass your dad a newspaper to read so he had something else to look at.

nursebickypegs · 09/04/2017 07:41

I'm pregnant and my parents have asked that I don't do it in front of them or my grandfather. I truly believe it's a generational thing

NameChange30 · 09/04/2017 07:43

It's not a generational thing. My parents aren't twats funny about breastfeeding.

Whatsername17 · 09/04/2017 07:44

Your family sound like a nightmare. If i were you I'd do as you want to do - if it offends them it might give you a little more space between visits. Grin Personally, when my dad and brothers are around I feed under my Cape. The reason is because as soon as I or someone else says 'I think she is hungry' they all leave the room to give me privacy. They are trying to be sweet and do not make a big deal out of it. In fact my dad continually tells me how well I'm doing because dd2 is a chunk! They just want ME to feel comfortable. The downside is that I spend huge chunks of our visit alone. Instead I get dd2 latched, put on my Cape and follow them to join in the conversation. I cover up in public too - not for anyone else but for myself. I'm a teacher who regularly runs into pupils so I feel more secure covered. I can promote bf with my cape- people know what I'm doing, I just prefer they didn't see me do it. It's a personal choice. Anyone who is offended by bf, covered or not, is an arse hole.

MMM3 · 09/04/2017 07:44

I'd say whip it out and they can just deal, except for the staring father part...

Poor sweetie. Big hug

Increasinglymiddleaged · 09/04/2017 07:47

No it isn't a generational thing at all. It is about control of women, and misogyny. No more no less. I didn't bf but my sil did and DF coped just fine, because he isn't a sexist twat. Women have always breastfed and if you go back whole families often lived in one room. Babies being fed is hardly a modern phenomenon.

ToastDemon · 09/04/2017 07:48

I can't get past the fact that your dad stared at your sister's boobs!

Bluetrews25 · 09/04/2017 07:49

Crazy, isn't it that we all go 'ahhhhh' to see a mummy cow / sheep / dog feeding her young, but a human female is somehow being sexually enticing by discreetly sticking a baby's head up her t shirt. Obscene, obviously.
Hmm

hotcrossbun83 · 09/04/2017 07:54

My FiL was clearly uncomfortable with me feeding, not that he would ever say something. At his house I would take myself off to a quiet corner (added bonus time out for me) but at my house I just fed as usual and he made his excuses to disappear. Not sure what I'd do in your position though

jaggythistle · 09/04/2017 07:58

I fed my first DC hiding away in the bedroom/ another room at pil house a lot.

DC2 I thought no way and he got fed in my own living room from day 1. Same for DC3.

My parents were more supportive as my mum bf but still took them all a while to get used to it.

Yanbu to do what you want. Your parents are BU.

gammaraystar · 09/04/2017 08:00

Wow! Your family has serious issues!

footballmum · 09/04/2017 08:04

How about, "Mum, Dad I'm about to feed DS. If it makes you feel uncomfortable maybe you'd like to go for a walk or sit in another room for half an hour?" Wink

TheElephantofSurprise · 09/04/2017 08:04

Carry on regardless. If he stares, say 'Don't stare, it's rude'. If she comments, say 'I'm breastfeeding. You will have to get used to it or leave.'
And stick with that.

Or have a naked-ladies magazine to hand to him if he stares, and caramels to keep her mouth occupied.

Jengnr · 09/04/2017 08:04

I'm a bolshy bastard at times and I reckon in your situation, fuelled by hormones, I'd be feeding AT them.

It's one thing in their house but quite another in yours I think. You might get rid of them quicker too :)

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