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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be fine with my daughter not wanting to go to her graduation?

92 replies

porterwine · 08/04/2017 19:44

My eldest has said she isn't bothered about going to her graduation. She just isn't really the celebratory type. Ever since she was young she hasn't liked making a big deal of her birthday because she hates being the centre of attention. It's not like she is completely adamant not to go but she is completely nonchalant about the whole thing and would rather be off travelling (which she intends to do for the first 6 months after finishing uni).

I'm completely fine with her decision as I am the same way myself. I hate "all eyes on me" and eloped for that very reason. My DH planned a surprise party for my 25th (a few months after we started dating) and let's just say he has never done it since!

My younger DD is the opposite to myself and DD1 but I completely "get" her and understand it just isn't a big deal for her. The thing is my mum and a few friends have said how I should really be encouraging to her to go. I met with some girlfriends for dinner last night and told them she wasn't going and they were all shocked and saying things like "no that's such a shame she must go!!" etc etc. I certainly don't want to force her but I am now worried she may regret it if she doesn't. She's said she knows a few people who aren't going and its not uncommon to not want to. If I had gone to university I don't think I'd have wanted to go to mine either but my mum/girlfriends are making me wonder whether I should at least try and encourage her to go?

OP posts:
KingJoffreysRestingCuntface · 08/04/2017 19:45

Nah, it wouldn't appeal to me either.

Going up in a crowd, grinning inanely and waiting for a load of people who don't know you to clap like seals? FML, no.

Gunpowder · 08/04/2017 19:47

I really didn't want to go to mine as I had a new job and thought it was cringy. DM made me and I am so pleased that I went in retrospect. Didn't do any of the posed photos, just let my mum take a couple of snaps.

Sparklingbrook · 08/04/2017 19:48

My DB didn't go to his. My Mum and Dad weren't bothered. He has never regretted it, not sure what it's all about TBF.

My friend went to her son's and wasn't fussed.

Grumpbum · 08/04/2017 19:49

My H never went to his, only one who got a first in the course but he didn't fancy it at all, he had no regrets

Boooooom · 08/04/2017 19:50

My mum was disappointed that I didn't go to mine but I have no regrets. She appears to still!

JemimaMuddledUp · 08/04/2017 19:51

I wasn't fussed about going to mine, I only went because my mum wanted me to. Same reasons as your DD, I hate being the centre of attention. We had a tiny wedding for the same reason.

20 years later I'm sort of glad I went, but I definitely wouldn't push my DC to go when the time comes if they didn't want to.

Ferlander · 08/04/2017 19:51

YANBU didn't go to mine. Would have hated the fuss, sitting there for hours on end.

Now working in higher education and often help at graduations. Still absolutely sure I made the right decision. It is dull as arse.

Check with the uni some will let students have a photo before the day in the full garb if you want a picture.

Original poster
porterwine · 08/04/2017 19:51

that's how she seems to see it King! It just isn't "her." We were invited to my goddaughter's 21st birthday which was a very formal black tie dinner event. My daughter had a good time once she was there and got through it but it pained her. She just isn't into dressing up and celebrating things and I certainly wouldn't want to make her feel guilty for not going (which my mother is doing..she keeps mentioning not having a graduation picture and she even brought up the expense of it all and how it's "disappointing" for us as parents for her not to go).

OP posts:
Sparklingbrook · 08/04/2017 19:53

It does look dull. Not sure I get all the dressing up/mortar board stuff either.

kingscrossnoodle · 08/04/2017 19:55

My gran didn't go to hers. I remember when she first told me I thought it was quite rebellious for her time,, but looking through more educated eyes I can see it was simply because she doesn't like attention and it made no difference to her life that she didn't go

EastMidsMummy · 08/04/2017 19:55

I didn't go to mine. My parents were fine about it.

flamed · 08/04/2017 19:57

I have two (nearly three) degrees and I've never been to any of the graduations. I just find it all a bit cringey to be honest. It's also expensive these days and extremely dull (I watched bits of my fellow students graduating as it was live streamed).

My parents were never bothered as they never went to uni and just aren't aware of all the formalities around it.

missymayhemsmum · 08/04/2017 20:00

It's a kind of grand finale to her time at uni, and I think she might regret it if she doesn't go, not to mention giving you the chance to be publicly proud of her achievement! It's also a shared experience with her friends from the course. You should encourage her to go, but not pressure, obvs

stiffstink · 08/04/2017 20:00

God they are so dull, especially when they cram in a few different courses - you spend hours sitting there applauding for strangers. Must be even worse for the guests.

I only did it for photos for my parents and grandparents.

Original poster
porterwine · 08/04/2017 20:03

Thanks ladies I'm glad you are on the same page as me! Some of the ladies I was with last night really made me feel bad (maybe not intentionally). They were saying things like "oh but she's worked so hard she deserves to have a fuss made of her!" If she WANTED to go I would of course be so happy to go and support her, but Ive already said we can do anything she wants to celebrate whether it just be a meal out or a weekend away somewhere. It's almost as if they were suggesting I am not even acknowledging her finishing uni.

I got the same thing for her 18th. Nearly all of her friends had big elaborate parties and a few mums of her friends were trying to convince me to throw her a surprise party because "she deep down would love a big party but doesn't want to make a fuss." I know my daughter....if I'd thrown her a surprise 18th I'd be worried now about her choice of nursing home for me

OP posts:
kaitlinktm · 08/04/2017 20:08

I didn't go to mine, neither did my brother or my son. None of us has ever regretted it. I just didn't think it had any connection with the work I had done or my student life - plus I was working and would have lost money to go.

My mother had a bit of a moan about having no photos so I went to the official university photographer (this was in 1977) in a skirt and blouse I had borrowed and he lent me a robe and mortarboard and gave me a roll of paper with a ribbon to hold and took my photo - it looked just like all the others.

Interestingly my mother (who studied as a mature student) went to hers and we all had to go and watch (boring as hell) - that decided me really, it was the year before I graduated.

Some family members who are now NC with us tried to guilt trip my son into going to his by saying that I had been to mine (they had seen the photo) but he wouldn't be persuaded.

harderandharder2breathe · 08/04/2017 20:10

Yanbu, it should be about DD1 no one else

I didn't go to my graduation either. My friends were all the year above or below me, so not graduating at the same time. I wasn't close with anyone on my course. And I was working somewhere that would've meant a day travelling each way, with the lost wages and cost of that. That was over 10 years ago and I've never regretted it for a second.

ThreeLeggedHaggis · 08/04/2017 20:11

I didn't go to mine. Never regretted it.

2ndSopranos · 08/04/2017 20:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tass1960 · 08/04/2017 20:15

I went to mine and loved it, my eldest son went to his and loved it, my youngest son said all along he would not be going to his and buggered off to Australia the day before it. I respected that the boys had different ideas of what they wanted and fully supported both decisions.

CheesyChristie · 08/04/2017 20:17

I didn't go to mine - I hate that sort of thing.

My dm and my dh love a big party though so I ended up having a huge wedding. I hated every fucking minute of it and can't even bear to look at the photos because just looking at my 'rabbit in the headlights' expression makes me feel so sad about what should have been the happiest day of my life (and would have been if it was only me and dh!)

user1andonly · 08/04/2017 20:23

Yanbu. DS didn't go to his last year. Like your DD he doesn't enjoy a fuss. Didn't want an 18th or 21st party. I told him it was entirely up to him and we were fine with whatever he decided. Tbh I was quite relieved he didn't want to go as I have social anxiety and would have worried about what to wear etc although I would have made the effort if he had wanted to go. DS2 is off to uni this year and I am fairly sure he will want the whole celebration, photos etc when it's his turn

SkiBike007 · 08/04/2017 20:27

I went to mine due to pressure from my parents who wanted the photo and I felt I owed them for there support but I'm with your DD I hate those type of occasions and really wouldn't have been bothered not going. I found it stressful going tbh.

UnicornMadeOfPinkGlitter · 08/04/2017 20:29

I didn't go to mine. That was over ten years ago and I don't regret my decision. I knew I'd find it boring and a long day. I got my certify through the post a few weeks later.

fortheloveofcats · 08/04/2017 20:29

I only went for my mum. If it wasn't for her I wouldn't have gone. It was awful, and I ended up with a horrid headache from all the noise.

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