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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be fine with my daughter not wanting to go to her graduation?

92 replies

porterwine · 08/04/2017 19:44

My eldest has said she isn't bothered about going to her graduation. She just isn't really the celebratory type. Ever since she was young she hasn't liked making a big deal of her birthday because she hates being the centre of attention. It's not like she is completely adamant not to go but she is completely nonchalant about the whole thing and would rather be off travelling (which she intends to do for the first 6 months after finishing uni).

I'm completely fine with her decision as I am the same way myself. I hate "all eyes on me" and eloped for that very reason. My DH planned a surprise party for my 25th (a few months after we started dating) and let's just say he has never done it since!

My younger DD is the opposite to myself and DD1 but I completely "get" her and understand it just isn't a big deal for her. The thing is my mum and a few friends have said how I should really be encouraging to her to go. I met with some girlfriends for dinner last night and told them she wasn't going and they were all shocked and saying things like "no that's such a shame she must go!!" etc etc. I certainly don't want to force her but I am now worried she may regret it if she doesn't. She's said she knows a few people who aren't going and its not uncommon to not want to. If I had gone to university I don't think I'd have wanted to go to mine either but my mum/girlfriends are making me wonder whether I should at least try and encourage her to go?

OP posts:
IndianaMoleWoman · 08/04/2017 20:31

I hired the robes and had the pictures done then snuck off with my mum for a nice lunch before the actual ceremony. Best of both worlds.

cookiefiend · 08/04/2017 20:37

I wouldn't make her go, but I would want to make sure that it isn't that she is feeling down about it or anything. My mum was living abroad when I graduated so I said I didn't want to go as I didn't want her to have the trouble. She said she was coming and my whole family made a huge deal. I am not a centre of attention person, but I felt so loved that day.

If she really doesn't want to go, do make a big deal of it in some other way. Take her out or buy her a gift or something, especially if it is likely DD2 is going to want a celebration for hers. Just something to celebrate her amazing mess.

ConstantCraving · 08/04/2017 20:46

I didn't go to mine, it just seemed gimmicky. I don't regret it at all. I'm delighted I graduated and was very happy with the congrats card from my parents. Its just a money making exercise like so many other occasions now, with the happy snaps then posted on social media. I 'eloped' too in that we didn't tell anyone about getting married other than 2 friends who were our witnesses. If she doesn't want to go it's not a big deal.

Punksparkle · 08/04/2017 20:55

I didn't go to my degree graduation, and will not go to any of my students (now a lecturer). Pompous rubbish in my opinion, particularly when people get awarded plastic PhDs (I was at Jimmy Saville's plastic PhD award ceremony! Don't ask!).

HelenaGWells · 08/04/2017 20:56

It depends who the speakers are to me. One
Of the speakers at mine was someone I admire hugely and it was worth the boring bits to hear him speak. Some of the things he said have stuck with me to this day and I graduated over 15 years ago. I hated the ceremony bit but it was worth it for that. We didn't pay for graduation photos either. Myself and my friend took each other's.

It also meant a lot to my grandma and mum who came with me. My grandma had my graduation photos up until the day she died. DH also came and survived the long service in their company. A good indication that he was the one Grin

I don't regret going but would fully Support my kids decision either way.

ForalltheSaints · 08/04/2017 20:57

As long as she gets her certificate, fine to miss the ceremony.

Crispsheets · 08/04/2017 20:59

I never went to mine in the eighties. I'm like your DD...Hate being the centre of attraction

Kewcumber · 08/04/2017 21:05

I barely remember mine (though to be fair it was many many years ago when it was all green fields around here), I didn't really think it was a big fuss with you being the centre of attention. You joined a queue of hundreds of other people and marched across a stage for 30 seconds.

Fine if you want to do it (quite enjoyed lunch and dressing up in gown) certainly if she doesn;t fancy it hardly a problem in my opinion.

Original poster
porterwine · 08/04/2017 21:05

You know in the States they have a 'graduation' after ever school year? They even 'graduate' nursery school!! High school graduation is apparently a massive deal. I could not handle that at all.

I agree it all seems very gimmicky. I'm all for celebrating in one way or another but the day itself seems like lots of faux smiles and very pretentious. I'll fully support DD2 if she decides to go (which I think she will) but am not happy that friends and family are trying to guilt DD1 into it!

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 08/04/2017 21:07

Oh and it was nice to meet up with my mates and I think my parents enjoyed it - I was the first person to graduate in our family. So not a busted flush - but really hardly "the centre of attention"

Lesley1980 · 08/04/2017 21:09

I didn't fancy mine for all the same reason as your daughter but I'm glad I did. It was a great atmosphere, I got to see all my friends graduating & I felt proud of myself.

I think I would have regretted not going.

MiddlingMum · 08/04/2017 21:10

I remember mine as one of the most boring days of my life. Much better to go travelling imo.

MrsJayy · 08/04/2017 21:14

Dd didn't go to hers she was about to start training for her new job she wasn't bothered really.

TheBookIsOnTheTable · 08/04/2017 21:19

I didn't go to mine (nor did my brother) and my parents didn't even mention it. We did go out for a big meal as a family to celebrate after my result was published though.

2ndSopranos · 08/04/2017 21:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheBookIsOnTheTable · 08/04/2017 21:27

Mine was 8 years ago and I have no regrets about not going. It was just a pointless ceremony for me. Loads of my friends went to theirs, there were tons of pictures on Facebook, I was glad they enjoyed it, etc. Just wasn't of any real interest to me.

Chavelita · 08/04/2017 21:28

You know it's really not the equivalent of a wedding or a huge birthday party in terms of 'making a fuss'. You just shuffle across a stage in front of your two guests and a thousand other people who only have eyes for their family member, get handed your degree cert, possibly look in on a reception with canapés.

I mean, she's quite right not to go if she doesn't fancy it (the 'she might regret it' argument is not one I get, as someone who's never regretted getting married in jeans with two witnesses) but it's pretty low-key stuff, if that's what's alarming her.

brexitstolemyfuture · 08/04/2017 21:28

I didn't go to mine. Middle of summer, hot day and having to hire some special clothes. No thanks. I haven't ever regretted it. My parents when the to my sister's though but they didn't seem bothered by me not going at all.

SabineUndine · 08/04/2017 21:30

Nah, it's not that big a deal. I went to mine for my BA but I didn't bother for my Masters. Half a day of hanging around and the expense of hiring a gown and paying for a photographer. Not worth it.

BrownAjah · 08/04/2017 21:33

I went to my first graduation - big fuss about not much really. I studied for a second degree recently and didn’t bother with the graduation!

Original poster
porterwine · 08/04/2017 21:36

2ndsopranos it's a fabulous bit of celebratory pomp and circumstance this sentence is pretty much the exact opposite to the type of person my daughter is haha she's a "bohemian-vegan-hippie-happy to live in a converted van and travel the world-drink beer from the bottle" kinda girl. DD2 is all for the lavish champagne filled celebrations. Not me nor DD1 :D

OP posts:
Original poster
porterwine · 08/04/2017 21:40

And I understand what people are saying about not being centre of attention in the same way as a wedding/birthday party, but it is still a day FOR her. As in family members will be travelling for her, buying new outfits for her, spending their time and money for her. I completely understand people will say "but family should want to do that" and I agree. As I said I'd have no issue with it but I fully understand her mindset. It's why I have never liked celebrating my birthdays because I feel like people have to spend their money on a meal out or whatever for me..not everyone will get it and I'm probably not explaining it well but we are so similar about this kind of thing lol

OP posts:
FannyFifer · 08/04/2017 21:42

I didn't bother going to mine, was too busy working.
Only actually got round to getting my certificate recently, just 15 years later.

Emphasise · 08/04/2017 21:44

I did my degree later in life. They graduation wasn't a party as such, just the presentation followed by lunch with Dh and dcs. I'd have hated a big fuss but I'd be sad not to have at least one photo of me looking all educated Grin

Emphasise · 08/04/2017 21:46

Would there loads of family members travelling/dressing up for her? IME you only get 1-2 tickets