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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be fine with my daughter not wanting to go to her graduation?

92 replies

porterwine · 08/04/2017 19:44

My eldest has said she isn't bothered about going to her graduation. She just isn't really the celebratory type. Ever since she was young she hasn't liked making a big deal of her birthday because she hates being the centre of attention. It's not like she is completely adamant not to go but she is completely nonchalant about the whole thing and would rather be off travelling (which she intends to do for the first 6 months after finishing uni).

I'm completely fine with her decision as I am the same way myself. I hate "all eyes on me" and eloped for that very reason. My DH planned a surprise party for my 25th (a few months after we started dating) and let's just say he has never done it since!

My younger DD is the opposite to myself and DD1 but I completely "get" her and understand it just isn't a big deal for her. The thing is my mum and a few friends have said how I should really be encouraging to her to go. I met with some girlfriends for dinner last night and told them she wasn't going and they were all shocked and saying things like "no that's such a shame she must go!!" etc etc. I certainly don't want to force her but I am now worried she may regret it if she doesn't. She's said she knows a few people who aren't going and its not uncommon to not want to. If I had gone to university I don't think I'd have wanted to go to mine either but my mum/girlfriends are making me wonder whether I should at least try and encourage her to go?

OP posts:

Emphasise · 08/04/2017 21:47

Would there be loads of family member travelling/dressing up for her! IME you only get 1-2 tickets.

Original poster

porterwine · 08/04/2017 21:49

Emphasise not for the actual event but I know if she decided to go then grandma, grandpa, aunt and uncle would want to tag along and go out for a meal after. And then there'd be her dad, sister and my husband (Stepdad). so 9 of us all together!

OP posts:

elQuintoConyo · 08/04/2017 21:50

I went to mine, it didn't cross my mind not to go. It was 1997 - I can honestly say I remember nothing!

Hardly saw my parents, Dad's camera didn't have batteries in and they left straight after the ceremony. The official photos have gone in the bin as, although my Dad was very proud, the frozen emotionlessness (oh yeah, that's a word ) of my mother just chills me. By that time they'd been on the brink of divorce since my A-levels. It showed.

Anyhoo.... I waffle!

It is your daughter's choice. Rinse and repeat and change the subject if it comes up.

Dogivemeabreak · 08/04/2017 21:50

Didn't go to mine, don't regret it. Oldest daughter didn't go to hers. Youngest and husband went to theirs. Whatever floats your boat.

SuperBeagle · 08/04/2017 21:52

I didn't want to go to mine, but I did go.

On one side of my family, I'm the only grandchild who finished high school; so going to uni and getting a degree made me like the beacon of all pride to my grandparents.

On the other side of the family, my grandmother paid for my uni education, so I felt she should get to see me graduate.

Couldn't have been assed with it myself though.

smurfest · 08/04/2017 21:54

elQuinto - your parents sound like mine. I did go but as parents had just divorced and were trading snide comments it was a crap. I had to borrow my clothes /shoes off a friend as I didn't have the required white blouse /black skirt and shoes.

not an event i look back on fondly...

gammaraystar · 08/04/2017 22:19

It is her choice. It costs a fortune and it pretty boring. I have had 3 graduations, BSc, MSci and my PhD so am speaking from experience.

user1491678180 · 08/04/2017 22:23

Went to mine, my children's, and my 2 siblings. Couldn't even comprehend not going. It's a time you can't get back. I find it odd that someone would miss such a hugely important event in their life. JMO, but all the ones we have been to have been great fun.

Yeah it ain't cheap (£40 to hire the cap and gown, £35 for the official photos, about 100 quid for the petrol there and back, the hotel room and the food, and £20 for a graduation souvenir...) But so what? As I said, you cannot get that time back. People will happily spend £100-£150 a month on smokes or meals out or booze, but resent forking out for their (adult) child's graduation.

If the child in question doesn't want to go, there's naff-all you can do about it, but I'm not gonna lie I would have been disappointed if any of mine had not wanted to go to their graduation. Surprised to see so many on here actually, who didn't go to theirs. Everyone I know did.

Another thing is, not everyone has to spend on hotels and meals out as for many, the uni is not far away. So I am at a loss to fathom why people don't go.

TheBookIsOnTheTable · 08/04/2017 22:29

So I am at a loss to fathom why people don't go

Cos it would have been boring to me. I guess it just doesn't hold the same meaning to some people as it does to you. Getting good results and using my degree to advance my career meant a lot to me, the graduation ceremony itself, not so much.

I worked extremely hard at university to get a 1st, and was super proud of it. I celebrated with my family and got lots of good job offers (which was the point of doing the degree). The ceremony itself looked like a boring waste of time, so I didn't go!

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 08/04/2017 22:35

I wasn't arsed about going to mine but my dad really was. I went. It was fine. You walk to the lectern, shake hands as you take the certificate and then leave.

In hindsight I'm glad I did it and got the photos.

starving · 08/04/2017 22:40

I went to my first one. It never crossed my mind not to go. It was in my home town and all my close uni mates were going too. I don't really remember much about it except I was bored. My (younger) sister didn't go to hers and doesn't regret it one bit. I remember thinking at the time, but hey ho. My second one I did not attend I had young dc and it would have been a nightmare but I have absolutely no regrets about it. I did the hard work, got the certificates (by post!). The rest to me was irrelevant. We have choices.

Original poster

porterwine · 08/04/2017 22:40

user14916781808 it really is not that uncommon not to go. I know a few people who didn't go to their own or their children's which is why I was so surprised by the reaction of my friends last night. My daughter has a close group of friends at uni but they all do different courses so wouldn't even be together. She knows people on her course but isn't close with any of them.

Also I don't really appreciate your tone suggesting I would "resent" the money. As I have said repeatedly, I would spend the money in a heartbeat if she wanted to go. I pointed out that it's her OWN personality in not liking a fuss being made of her that is preventing her from going. She doesn't like the idea of family travelling far, spending money etc , being around people she isn't friends with, standing on stage in front of hundreds of people etc. She's always said she wanted to travel after uni and I'm all for it rather than having her stick around for something she isn't interested in going to. I don't think anyone on this thread has said "I didn't go to my child's graduation because I didn't want to spend the money." You speak as though you're the majority and anyone else is "odd".

OP posts:

turbohamster · 08/04/2017 22:42

I didn't go to mine 16 years ago. Never had even a moments regret.

fiorentina · 08/04/2017 22:43

Mine was so dull, I wish I hadn't bothered!

Bubble2bubble · 08/04/2017 22:46

I didn't go to mine. I had a job abroad and wanted to get started, but also had no interest in the ceremony.
My mother was upset at the time which I do regret, but I got a photo done which is what she wanted.

adorkableme · 08/04/2017 22:46

YANBU. I went to my graduation and wish I hadn't. They left my name out of the program (I graduated months earlier), announcer was messing up many grads' names (absolutely butchered mine despite telling the woman before she pronounced it), my parents kept complaining about the whole thing, then had family come I didn't invite, went to a nice restaurant where my dad was berating me about legally drinking, etc... I had friends there and I was just embarrassed by the end.

Any party where I'm supposed to be the center of attention usually goes wrong, and every time, I end up embarrassed and hurt.

Your daughter is old enough to make the decision for herself and she should go for her and because she wants to, not because someone else thinks she should. I wish I had a mum who had not pressured me into it and just let me do what was right for me

Brokenbiscuit · 08/04/2017 22:52

I went to my first graduation. The ceremony was dull but I had a nice enough day celebrating with friends and family. I didn't bother going to graduation when I got my master's though - just didn't fancy it.

If your dd doesn't want to go, then I think you're absolutely right to support her.

darceybussell · 08/04/2017 23:00

I went to mine, it didn't really cross my mind that I could have opted out and to be honest beforehand I was actually looking forward to it.

But oh my god when I got there it was horrible! I hated the attention, I hated everyone taking hundreds of photos, I felt really uncomfortable and I just wanted to drink my champagne in peace!

It reinforced for me that I only wanted a small wedding - I absolutely cannot stand being the centre of attention!

I think she's making the right decision - if she doesn't fancy it then so be it, it's not compulsory.

TheBookIsOnTheTable · 08/04/2017 23:02

I'm not even bothered about being the centre of attention or anything like that. It just looked boring and pointless to me!

Dowser · 08/04/2017 23:05

My daughter didn't want to go to hers and I was fine with that.
The uni finished about may June and the graduation wasn't till November.
That was just ridiculous.
She was working.
A lot of her friends had moved away.
Such a waste of time.
She's never regretted it and neither have i

Headofthehive55 · 08/04/2017 23:58

For me my first graduation was possibly the most enjoyable day I had at uni. (Hated the rest of it! )

corythatwas · 09/04/2017 00:29

English graduations are really, really boring. Just queues of people being handed a certificate: like watching a post office queue.

motherinferior · 09/04/2017 09:43

I didn't go to either of mine.

motherinferior · 09/04/2017 09:46

And if I had, it wouldn't have occurred to me to invite my parents anyway.

turbohamster · 09/04/2017 09:47

The uni finished about may June and the graduation wasn't till November.
That was just ridiculous.

I actually might have gone to mine if it had been those sort of timings, as it would have a chance to catch up with people again. Ours was about a week after term ended.

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