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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be fine with my daughter not wanting to go to her graduation?

92 replies

porterwine · 08/04/2017 19:44

My eldest has said she isn't bothered about going to her graduation. She just isn't really the celebratory type. Ever since she was young she hasn't liked making a big deal of her birthday because she hates being the centre of attention. It's not like she is completely adamant not to go but she is completely nonchalant about the whole thing and would rather be off travelling (which she intends to do for the first 6 months after finishing uni).

I'm completely fine with her decision as I am the same way myself. I hate "all eyes on me" and eloped for that very reason. My DH planned a surprise party for my 25th (a few months after we started dating) and let's just say he has never done it since!

My younger DD is the opposite to myself and DD1 but I completely "get" her and understand it just isn't a big deal for her. The thing is my mum and a few friends have said how I should really be encouraging to her to go. I met with some girlfriends for dinner last night and told them she wasn't going and they were all shocked and saying things like "no that's such a shame she must go!!" etc etc. I certainly don't want to force her but I am now worried she may regret it if she doesn't. She's said she knows a few people who aren't going and its not uncommon to not want to. If I had gone to university I don't think I'd have wanted to go to mine either but my mum/girlfriends are making me wonder whether I should at least try and encourage her to go?

OP posts:

scaryteacher · 09/04/2017 11:31

Ds has already booked the tickets for his graduation in July, and I have booked the hotel rooms.

I went to both my graduations, as to me they were slaps in the face for those members of my family who said I wasn't clever enough to do a degree or a PGCE, and I went to dh's MA graduation, as he had managed to achieve his MA whilst working in a highly pressured job, and I wanted him to know I was proud of him.

Same with ds, it is an acknowledgement of his academic achievement (if he finishes his dissertation in time!!!), and a way for us to celebrate that.

wornoutboots · 09/04/2017 12:48

I refused to go to mine, much to my mother's horror.
20 years this year and I still don't regret graduating in absentia

Floisme · 09/04/2017 12:53

I never went to mine. 40 years on, the only regret I have about it is that I didn't think about my parents. Neither of them had the opportunity to go to university and I now realise it would have meant a lot to them to see me do it, although they never said a word about it.

Headofthehive55 · 09/04/2017 13:17

You were lucky that your uni did graduations for a PGCE scary. Did mine at Nottingham uni and they didn't have time for PGCE graduations.

inkydinky · 09/04/2017 13:38

I went to my first bit because it was important to my Mum but didn't really 'get' it otherwise. I opted out of my second and third. I was a bit sad not to get a photo in doctors garb but did t think the ceremony was worth it. I now go to two a year as an academic and really enjoy them. I love seeing the proud families and enjoy the opportunity to congratulate my students (and often feel sad when some don't go as it's also a chance to say a proper goodbye) but each to their own. There's no point if you genuinely won't get anything out of it.

crazywriter · 09/04/2017 14:25

I never went to mine. I had the chance to go on a military exercise to work with the United States Air Force Academy instead and took that chance instead. Don't regret it for a minute.

My DH went to his but more so we could make a family holiday out of it. It was in Canterbury close to his grandparents and we lived in Glasgow at the time.

The graduation should be about the one that's done the work. If they want to go and celebrate it then fair enough. If they, like your DD, don't want to be centre of attention (although it's only for a minute) then she shouldn't have to go.

MaroonPencil · 09/04/2017 14:29

My mum didn't go to hers in the 70s and she regretted it later.

BridgetvonHammersmark · 09/04/2017 14:47

My son didn't want to go to his, the whole being the centre of attention really isn't him. We had a lovely picnic in the park, complete with bubbly, instead, an equally wonderful memory

NennyNooNoo · 09/04/2017 15:02

I didn't go to mine back in the 90s. Not my sort of thing and I wouldn't have had any family there anyway. Haven't ever thought about it since, and certainly no regrets.

JayZed · 09/04/2017 15:12

I'm not going to mine in August, the thought of being in a massive hall with limited exits and too many people makes me nauseous. Family isn't bothered in the slightest.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 09/04/2017 15:28

I graduated as a mature student, a good ten years older than the rest of my cohort. I wasn't 'friends' with anyone and I was only there for my own interest in the subject. I didn't even consider going to graduation. My mom was up in arms about it as she wouldn't get a picture... I didn't pay any attention to her whining as she wouldn't have been going anyway as she lives miles away and had shown no interest in my degree (or my life!) I was surprised by the amount of my lecturers that were shocked I wasn't going though. I would have looked like the bag lady bringing up the rear compared to everyone else and I genuinely just don't get the point of it all.

ClarkWGriswold · 09/04/2017 15:45

I didn't really want to go to mine but my mum begged me because my dad was so proud of me. I'm glad I did go in the end and I even had the professional photos done (including one with me and my parents) the picture still has pride of place in their sitting room and I'm glad that it means so much to them.

I do understand your daughters nonchalance though.

Laniakea · 09/04/2017 15:50

I didn't go to either of mine (15+ years ago) - just didn't see the point. I celebrated with my friends when we got our results but the ceremony wasn't at all important to me, it seemed a bit silly tbh. I've never been one for groups activities though!

NeverTwerkNaked · 09/04/2017 15:53

I've got two degrees and a professional qualification and didn't go to any of the graduations. Just not my cup of tea at all. Plus they always seemed to clash with an opportunity to go on holiday or something! So glad you support her decision

LadyPW · 09/04/2017 16:17

My mum was disappointed that I didn't go to mine but I have no regrets. She appears to still!
Ditto!
If anyone is fussed about getting photos why not just hire / buy a gown & mortar board & take your own photos? No hassle, no waiting around for hours, job done.

Bonadrag1988 · 09/04/2017 21:46

It's faux smiles as long as your smiles are faux. The smiles on my graduation day (and my brothers) were all real. We got to ponce about in gowns, take nice photos and celebrate something we thought was a cracking achievement and the culmination of a lot of hard work and celebrate that and the support we got from our families. Real smiles all around.

Babyroobs · 09/04/2017 22:23

I didn't got to mine. No pressure from my parents, they didn't go to Uni themselves nor did my brother and to be honest I doubt they even considered there would be one !
I guess if they had mentioned it, I might have been persuaded to make a day of it, but I had already started a new job.

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