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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is OH? Regarding letting DS have a phone.

43 replies

EnglishRose1320 · 08/04/2017 16:10

We have both agreed he can have a phone.

Oh is adamant that DS has to earn a smart phone on a contract, wants him to use an old noxia for the time being. Says he needs to be able to trust him. I get that but he is doing it to punish DS for the fact he lost his place at breakfast/after school club. He lost it because they couldn't cope with his behaviour, his meltdowns when anxious.

Don't get me wrong I think we need to get to the route of this behaviour (very recent asd diagnosis, so hoping to understand him more) and I don't think we should say the behaviour is okay but the end result is that he is going to have to walk to and from school, hence moving up the original time of letting him have a phone. Originally for the start of yr7 now the last term of yr6 instead.

I think that contracts can actually be quite cost effective and DS is anxious about being on his own and would really benefit from a phone that he can listen to music on.

I have agreed that he would need really clear guidelines, he would need to do jobs to pay for his contracts and he wouldn't have unlimited time with his phone.

I honestly don't know who is in the right here, I suspect neither of us are entirely right or wrong but we only have a just over a week until term starts so it really needs to get sorted out.

OP posts:
HermioneJeanGranger · 08/04/2017 16:15

How old is he?

BoneyBackJefferson · 08/04/2017 16:19

why does he need a smart phone or a contract?

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 08/04/2017 16:25

If he's at a secondary, then a low end smart phone is fine to begin with
I really don't see the need for a primary child to have a phone.

keeplooking · 08/04/2017 16:26

Why not let him keep the Nokia for practical purposes to keep in touch, as he will be walking to and from school on his own, and get him a cheap MP3 player for music to help his anxiety while walking? Then you can stick to your plan of letting him have a smartphone/contract in secondary school.

Saucery · 08/04/2017 16:27

He only needs a basic phone for walking to and from school (and will school need to put it away in the Office while he is there?). I wouldn't and didn't give my Yr6 DS a smartphone because he didn't need one for contacting us. A Giffgaff sim might be a good compromise- they start fro £5 and that's enough data for a bit of music as well as texts and calls.

WeAllHaveWings · 08/04/2017 16:30

If its his first phone I would give him a basic phone or the cheapest smart phone you can find now (ds started on a basic Nokia then moved to the Samsung Young). He didn't get a proper smart phone until we could see he was able to reliability ensure it was charged for use out and also didn't lose it while out and about.

I wouldn't encourage someone his age walking home from school crossing roads to listen to music. Also if he is anxious about something he would be better watching and listening to what is going on around him.

flissfloss65 · 08/04/2017 16:35

Please don't let him listen to music whilst walking, it really distracts listeners from what is going on around them.

Stickerrocks · 08/04/2017 16:40

I agree with the others. Give him a basic phone initially until he proves he can look after it. DD lost hers soon after starting secondary school & she was more upset than we were. She moved onto a basic PAYG smart phone after a year, which she bought herself. No issues 3 years later.

Original poster
EnglishRose1320 · 08/04/2017 16:42

I think you are all probably right and the Nokia is the way to go. Now how do I persuade Ds1 of this plan? He is adamant that he won't walk himself to and from school if he doesn't have music and that he wouldn't be able to cope with having an mp3 player and a phone.

Road wise I am not concerned r.e music, he is super concerned about all elements of safety and would mute his music when he crossed the road.

He is 11 to answer the question about his age.

Technology is definitely his comfort zone, we try and find the balance of letting him have his fixation/ interest without it taking over.

He will have a fairly long commute which will include a train ride to school next year so we felt a phone where he could listen to music/audio books would be fair enough for that.

OP posts:
kingscrossnoodle · 08/04/2017 16:49

He only NEEDS a basic phone. That is not to say he can't actually have a better phone.

I only NEED a basic car, I buy myself a really nice car.

I have no issue with 11+ having an iPhone or whatever similar.

stitchglitched · 08/04/2017 16:55

My nearly 9 year old has a smart phone. He uses it to play Pokemon Go and not much else! It's a cheap contract, makes him happy and he looks after it well. He doesn't need it but so what? We all have things we don't need.

Topseyt · 08/04/2017 17:04

Do you have any former smart(ish) phone handsets left over from previous contracts of your own?

If so then get them unlocked from whichever network they are locked into (many places will do this) and put a PAYG or GiffGaff SIM into it. See how he goes with that first.

Saucery · 08/04/2017 17:05

Tell him he can just have an MP3 player then Grin As School would alert you if he doesn't turn up and he can phone and leave a message to you when he gets home.
He probably won't go for this, so he will end up with both.

The trouble with tying in a smartphone and contract with 'good behaviour' is what happens if his behaviour isn't good in the future? We said a basic phone was for communication only and smartphone came later, when he proved he could look after a basic one and develop good habits online on other devices.

Gallavich · 08/04/2017 17:06

You can get handsets that play music without being smart phones.

Original poster
EnglishRose1320 · 08/04/2017 17:09

Having thought that maybe the Nokia route was best, Oh has just got home and seems to have come round to my way of thinking!

His chances of losing things are slim, he has only ever lost one toy of significance as far as I can recall. He looks after his things so that's not a concern.

Yes he would have to hand his phone in at school but they have a system for that (many of his classmates have I phones, he won't be getting one of those)

It would be the cheapest capped contract on a very basic smart phone.

I still feel very torn though, originally we hadn't planned on him having a phone until he was a teenager, then when he got into a school that was a fair distance away the start of secondary. If we don't go down the phone route he will be too scared to walk home so we would have to make the choice that either I give up work or we try and find a childcare solution, their aren't any I can think of. I know it's far from an ideal solution so maybe giving up work is the answer.

Thank you for all your opinions so far, for both sides of the argument.

OP posts:
bigmac4me · 08/04/2017 17:10

None of my children, or the numerous foster children I have cared for, have ever had a smart phone at 11. Of course they will convince you they're the only ones in the world that haven't. With one exception no one had a smart phone until they were over 16.

I should say that almost all have either lost/damaged their first phones - almost like they have to learn to be responsible for it - so I have always been relieved that their first phone was a basic Nokia type for that reason alone.

Saucery · 08/04/2017 17:13

Blimey, don't give up work! Shock
It will do him good to practice a bit of independence before secondary school and if a cheapy smartphone will help then that's by far the better option. Just don't tie it in with good behaviour - it's to help him while out and about.

Original poster
EnglishRose1320 · 08/04/2017 17:14

Topsety- yes we thought about that, we have a very old I phone 4s kicking around, the phone shop said it was too old and would be defunct soon, they were clearly just trying to up sale so that is still an option.

Saurcery- behaviour wise he would always be allowed his phone for going to and fro from school but not at all at other times if his behaviour didn't warrant it, and that would be the case whatever phone I feel.

Gallavich- that could be a really good compromise, ideally I didn't want to spend any money on an actual phone so will have to see what price range they are in.

OP posts:
miserableandinpain · 08/04/2017 18:05

Doesnt need to be on contract. By an unlocked second hand one. Top up when needed nd download music to it from your pc/laptop.

Original poster
EnglishRose1320 · 08/04/2017 18:14

If we go for second hand will just use the Nokia or old I phone we have at home.

Currently DS is in floods of tears in his room because he can't cope with not knowing which phone he is going to have and it has all got to much for him.

He find time scales a really tricky thing, we told him we would decide/sort it out by the end of the holidays, to him we might as well have sad we will decide in 10 years time.

OP posts:
miserableandinpain · 08/04/2017 18:27

Just give him the old iphone then. Then he has the music as well. I think you are making a bit of drama over it. Not trying to be rude but decisions are huge for him. Give the old iphone. Stick £5 on for emergencies and download his music. One device and simple to use.

Original poster
EnglishRose1320 · 08/04/2017 18:39

Yes I probably am making a drama over it. I guess that's why I asked on here and not in real life, I tend to be a very quiet, undramatic person in real life who just gets on with things. Ever now and again I panic over something simple and find that the internet is a good sounding board for such worries.
Everyone's advice has been great and I think it proves that it doesn't really matter what we decide.
DS is likely to reject all options bar the one he has set his heart on but I can't let that rule my decision.

OP posts:
SciFiFan2015 · 08/04/2017 18:44

I wasn't going to give DS a phone till secondary. Till he inherited an old one from a cousin. It's an iPhone. I'm eating my words. I love him having it! He's 10. Got him a contract (better deal for the data) that works out at £11 pcm. PAYG won't let the data rollover
We've turned on find my friends so I always know where he is! I love being able to call him. He sends me texts with love hearts.
I'm eating my words.

miserableandinpain · 08/04/2017 18:46

Sorry didnt mean to sound so rude. Just read my comment back x

Saucery · 08/04/2017 18:48

If you make a decision about which phone and tell him will he be able to process that in his own time and come round to the idea? It sounds tough for him (and you) to deal with.