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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Or is OH? Regarding letting DS have a phone.

43 replies

EnglishRose1320 · 08/04/2017 16:10

We have both agreed he can have a phone.

Oh is adamant that DS has to earn a smart phone on a contract, wants him to use an old noxia for the time being. Says he needs to be able to trust him. I get that but he is doing it to punish DS for the fact he lost his place at breakfast/after school club. He lost it because they couldn't cope with his behaviour, his meltdowns when anxious.

Don't get me wrong I think we need to get to the route of this behaviour (very recent asd diagnosis, so hoping to understand him more) and I don't think we should say the behaviour is okay but the end result is that he is going to have to walk to and from school, hence moving up the original time of letting him have a phone. Originally for the start of yr7 now the last term of yr6 instead.

I think that contracts can actually be quite cost effective and DS is anxious about being on his own and would really benefit from a phone that he can listen to music on.

I have agreed that he would need really clear guidelines, he would need to do jobs to pay for his contracts and he wouldn't have unlimited time with his phone.

I honestly don't know who is in the right here, I suspect neither of us are entirely right or wrong but we only have a just over a week until term starts so it really needs to get sorted out.

OP posts:

CauliflowerSqueeze · 08/04/2017 18:48

You don't need to persuade him. You just tell him.

catscurledupbythefire · 08/04/2017 18:50

I'd probably get him a smartphone to be honest. Going up to secondary school is hard, I wouldn't want to potentially make it harder.

Topseyt · 08/04/2017 18:54

A phone shop is not the place to get phones unlocked. They just want to sell the latest products.

Round here phone unlocking seems to be done as a sideline by key-cutters and shoe-repair shops. Sometimes on market stalls.

nickelbeingnormal · 08/04/2017 18:54

the phone thing - at 11 a basic phone and an additional music player is best.
he can put the phone in his bag and keep the music player on him.

On.the school club - did I read that right?! [anger] his school punished him for having a meltdown?!
they didn't think maybe it would be better to support him?!
And your dh shouldn't be backing the school up on that either - you need to make a complaint about that.

Original poster

EnglishRose1320 · 08/04/2017 19:02

Saurcery- I'm not sure, with small decisions, like what he is going to eat/time he goes to bed he is better with us just telling him, however with certain issues he will just not accept them and the situation becomes a massive sticking point.

Cauliflower- I would love that to be the case and with Ds2 it really is that simple.

Nickelbeingnormal- yes that is what they did, because whilst upset he picked up the butter knife which they decided meant he was a threat, the only reason he was upset was that when anxious he had gone to sit in his tent and other children hadn't been prevented from calling his name/running up and touching the tent/pulling the tent zip etc. The school is part of the problem with the phone, he is so scared of that school now and has lost trust in the teachers that I want the to and from school to be as smooth as possible. Dh thinks the school was wrong but is really struggling to know how to help DS and gets very frustrated when he can't parent him in the normal fashion.

OP posts:

SecretNortherner · 08/04/2017 19:03

Either get him an iPod touch which can mean he can play his music and can use apps such as what's app for messaging you/dp. Alternatively buy him a low end smart phone and then give him a payg sim through someone like giffgaff. You can top up a certain amount each month and get mins/texts. Stops him from building up a massive bill.

Original poster

EnglishRose1320 · 08/04/2017 19:16

Secret- if we went for a smart phone we would go contract on a capped £7.50 a month so he can't go over that and run up big bills

OP posts:

kingscrossnoodle · 08/04/2017 19:29

You won't get much for £7.50 a month, I would be VERY cautious before committing to a cheap contract, the likelihood is the data allowance will be gone in the first few days (£7.50 a month is like only 100mbs) and you will eventually end up increasing the contract cost to get more. Look at giff gaff, decent deals to be had there. My DS is £20 a month but for that he gets unlimited everything so it's well worth it. DD (16) is with 3 and only gets 12GB but she runs out in week 3 so moans for a week that she has no data. It's her chOnce not to change though as giff gaff doesn't have a decent signal in her school whereas 3 is brilliant 🙄

smallchanceofrain · 08/04/2017 19:45

DS1 is 11 and has a smart phone on a contract. I resisted for as long as I could but gave in when he was miserable about not being the same as his friends. He loves it for Pokemon go. I love it because I can use GPS to track him. Go for as much data as you can. DS is on an unlimited plan as an add on to my plan. Costs me £11 a month but is well worth it.

Wolfiefan · 08/04/2017 19:47

Basic phone to start with.
No music whilst walking to school. We live in a lovely area but someone reportedly tried to abduct a child this week. Kids need their wits about them. (It's not just a road issue either. Someone could walk up behind them and take their bag or phone etc.)

smallchanceofrain · 08/04/2017 19:56

Also meant to say - don't punish your boy too much for the pickles he gets into with his behaviour. As well as social communication problems, he might have massive sensory or information processing issues (both of which can cause anxiety) that he hasn't articulated yet - perhaps because he doesn't realise that you see the world differently to him.

Original poster

EnglishRose1320 · 08/04/2017 20:36

Kingscross- our top budget would be £10 a month, whatever deal we go for won't have much data but I am fairly sure that he will be okay with that, he will use wifi to download music and then listen to that, may well change in the future I'm aware of that.

Smallchance- yes I love the idea of being able to text him and check where he is with apps. With the behaviour, we are very new to how to handle it post diagnosis and are trying to get the balance right, we don't want to get punish him but find it hard to get the balance right, thanks for your support, mostly people just think we are too soft.

Wolifefan- the points you raised are concerns but unfortunately I feel DS would be far more vunerable if he didn't have music because he would be likely to worry more and freeze or refuse to walk home.

OP posts:

SovietKitsch · 08/04/2017 21:15

I very intentionally limit data to the absolute minimum on DS's phone (he is 13 and has a smart phone). This is because I know school wifi has controls (they're allowed to use smart phones in classes which require internet research), and my wifi at home had parental controls. It gives me the best chance of safeguarding him from the plethora of vile content on the internet. I have no reason to think he'd look for it, but it is far too easy to stumble across unsuitable material. I know of a recent case in our wider circle of a 10 year old addicted to porn that he had initially found by mistake. Can't be too careful.

BoneyBackJefferson · 08/04/2017 21:52

you can get a £10 payg phone from tesco that puts an additional £20 on his phone each month.

It should be more than enough.

Topseyt · 09/04/2017 10:07

At age 11 my DD3 was on a capped £8.50 per month contract deal with 100m of data. It was plenty, but if she did use it all then that was it for another month. She mostly uses WiFi anyway.

GiffGaff may be worth investigating, but round here it was useless. DH tried it and gave up after a month due to never getting any signal. I think it piggy backs on the O2 signal, which is extremely weak here.

I think what you are looking at sounds very reasonable. As long as he understands that when/if it is used up he will have to wait until it refreshes the following month. Show him how to check his data, minutes and text usage with the free phone number they provide so that he can keep track himself too.

hellsbells99 · 09/04/2017 10:20

Hi Op. The problem with the old iphone 4 is that you won't be able to upgrade the software on it. Consequently some Apps won't run on it - Whatsapp is one of these. I have just upgraded my phone to a second hand iPhone 6 because of these sorts of issues. The huge benefit of iPhones is using 'find my friends' on it so that you will be able to check that your son has got home ok etc - but you would both need an iPhone or iPad or similar. I assume other smart phones have similar Apps but you would have to check. I also have a DD that uses music to reduce anxiety.

Original poster

EnglishRose1320 · 09/04/2017 13:30

Topsety- yes we have had a chat about the fact he would have limited data and that he would have to learn to manage that. I think he will be fine with that and I think it will be good for him to learn to either cope with using it all up or pacing how often he uses it.

HellsBells- yes we are slightly concerned that the lack of updates would become an issue. He won't want many apps but it would be a pain if the few he uses on my phone don't work on there.

Having swung backwards and forwards I think I am just going to go for it.

OP posts:

CurlsandCurves · 09/04/2017 13:35

You might find you get a good deal by adding him onto your existing contract. DS1 is on mine and got a good HTC phone, plenty of texts minutes and data and it's costing an extra £12.99 a month on my account.

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