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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not know what to do about this? *trigger warning - concerns images of child abuse*

48 replies

RedRubyRed · 08/04/2017 10:03

First off, I'm sorry for posting about this as it's just a bloody horrible thing to think about, but my head's been spinning for days and I don't know what to do.

Basically an old school friend was recently arrested for having child porn images. Not a close friend, we used to run around in the same group but I've not seen him in person for several years.

I've got a few pics of my kids up on Facebook, I've always been quite careful as you never know (though I never knew how true that was!) and I'm friends with this bloke on Facebook of course.

I don't even know what I'm asking. I'm just reeling that someone I thought was decent really isn't, and I'm worried as he's seen the pics of my kids.

OP posts:
Mrsmorton · 08/04/2017 10:06

It's not child porn, it's images of child abuse. Calling it porn attempts to legitimise it.

Unfriend him?

Original poster
RedRubyRed · 08/04/2017 10:07

And now I feel f*ing terrified about that I wrote it down as it makes me feel like I'm breaking the law even mentioning it Blush

OP posts:
Original poster
RedRubyRed · 08/04/2017 10:08

I know Mrs, I just couldn't bring myself to say it. He's already gone off Facebook, must of deleted his account

OP posts:
NonsensicalNonsense · 08/04/2017 10:12

Its a horrible thing but if you were careful what you put online then you haven't risked anything. Horrible for the kids that were pictured on the images that he had Angry

Saucery · 08/04/2017 10:18

If you were careful it's highly unlikely he used your DC's photos for anything. If he appears back on FB then Block him straight away. Then you have done all you can. It's natural to feel bad that you didn't know he was capable of this, but child abusers are very good indeed at hiding it.

Original poster
RedRubyRed · 08/04/2017 10:28

Thanks for being so calm and rational about it, it's helping me. I can't even say how bad I feel for anyone directly affected by this.

OP posts:
theredjellybean · 08/04/2017 10:33

this happened to me, an old uni friend, part of our post uni adult group of friends, you know..you are bridesmaids/bestmen for each other, then godparents to children, meet up a couple of times a year etc etc....then a friend in the group rang us one day and told us this guy had been arrested for having indecent images of children on his computer ( he is a teacher). I felt so upset and violated in a strange way...he had been to my house, played with my young children, had young children of his own..ughhhhh....and it was not only that but the grieving of the friendship that of course had to be terminated immediately. I liked him, he was lovely friend but i then had doubts..how well do you know someone really ? and I also felt guilty about cutting him off ( we all got the odd message and christmas card) I felt maybe he had rehabilitated and maybe it was a mistake etc etc....but in the end didn't feel i would ever feel comfortable around him again...many many yrs later he still feels like the elephant in the room when the group all get toegther . so take a bit of time to process your thoughts and do not feel bad for feeling odd about it all

Trifleorbust · 08/04/2017 10:36

Your pictures are likely to be perfectly safe - I'm sure they were appropriate and he no longer has access to them so try not to worry.

AVeryBigHouse · 08/04/2017 10:41

It's obviously awful that this kind of things exists anyway but it's shocking when it come close to home.

Dh's cousin was convicted last year and I was sick to my stomach. He'd kept it hidden from everyone until it went to court. He let us know the day before 😡.

I felt violated. We'd only seen him the week before at his mum's funeral and I couldn't get it out of my head that he'd been with our children. Not alone with them but even so.

We cut contact immediately. I felt terrible since his mum had just died (he's an only child and his marriage had not long broken down) but I knew I never wanted to see him again. He and dh were like brothers. He's been in contact with him a couple of times since but they won't have a 'relationship' ever again.

wettunwindee · 08/04/2017 10:44

I understand the shock but from an uninvolved perspective, if he had child porn images, they weren't of the kind of things you post on facebook so him seeing your facebook photos, if he had, is irrelevant.

Original poster
RedRubyRed · 08/04/2017 10:56

I'm so sorry to PPs who've dealt with this Flowers and thanks for the reassurance to everyone, no I guess their not the same kind of images but you just don't know what to think when you're panicking! Blush

OP posts:
DoItTooJulia · 08/04/2017 10:59

Eugh to not calling it what it actually is.

Block this man. Never have anything to do with him again in real life or otherwise and make sure your sm accounts are as private as possible.

PippaFawcett · 08/04/2017 11:00

They are NOT child porn images. Everyone needs to stop calling them that. They are child ABUSE images.

RachelRagged · 08/04/2017 11:10

I agree with hating the term used.

It is child sexual abuse , ,not porn (which in my mind is two or more consenting adults , their business if they wish to be in such movies).

As others have said try not to worry too much re the photos of your children , worrying as it may be , and block him should he reappear on Facebook .

Mermaidinthesea123 · 08/04/2017 11:15

The trouble is RedRuby offenders often are "nice" people and easy to get on with. I work with paedophiles as part of my job and they are quite often charming, easy to talk to and appear perfectly normal so it's very easy to grieve for a friendship that has ended up this way.
You shouldn't feel bad about it as you had no idea and it is our instinct to trust and want to be with other human beings.
A lot of them have made a career out of grooming both children and parents to get what they want and so many are taken in by it.
You must move on and not lose your faith in other people but there is part of us that will always be vigilant after an incident like this.

NoCapes · 08/04/2017 11:17

There is no such thing as 'child porn'
There are images/videos of children being sexually abused

Hate when people call it porn

Original poster
RedRubyRed · 08/04/2017 11:22

Like I said to a PP I called it that because I couldn't bring myself to use the correct term. I'm not trying to minimise it at all, it's horrible beyond words.

OP posts:
AssassinatedBeauty · 08/04/2017 11:24

What you called it is worse though.

NoCapes · 08/04/2017 11:26

But you are minimising it by calling it that - you can't bring yourself to say the word 'abuse'? Really?
Do you think the parents of those children think their child starred in a porno? Or were horrifically abused?
I actually find it very offensive that people refer to this as 'porn'

Original poster
RedRubyRed · 08/04/2017 11:29

Ah here we go. I posted asking for support because I'm upset about something and end up getting laid into because you don't like the words I choose. I'm sorry for the word I chose and I won't use is again, is that better?

OP posts:
HonorBright · 08/04/2017 11:30

I'm sorry that you're in this position.

But I don't understand how you can feel that it's better somehow to refer to these images as 'porn', not 'abuse'. I've reported this thread to MNHQ and asked them to change the title.

Porn has the deliberate intention of arousal. Please call it what it is.

Original poster
RedRubyRed · 08/04/2017 11:31

And nocapes, how can detailing what happens be less offensive than using a euphemism ? That's disgusting and inappropriate

OP posts:
NoCapes · 08/04/2017 11:32

Where did I detail anything? I said the children were abused, which they were, it's a fact Confused

Do you really not understand why what you've called it is offensive??

Original poster
RedRubyRed · 08/04/2017 11:34

I understand it's inaccurate and that it upsets people. I'm sorry for that, I shouldn't of done it. Thanks honor for reporting it.

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 08/04/2017 11:37

You got a very hard time here over the nomenclature of child abuse images. Hardly fair, as you're not insisting on using the word 'porn', it just hadn't occurred to you to use anything other than the commonly used language.