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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To not know what to do about this? *trigger warning - concerns images of child abuse*

48 replies

RedRubyRed · 08/04/2017 10:03

First off, I'm sorry for posting about this as it's just a bloody horrible thing to think about, but my head's been spinning for days and I don't know what to do.

Basically an old school friend was recently arrested for having child porn images. Not a close friend, we used to run around in the same group but I've not seen him in person for several years.

I've got a few pics of my kids up on Facebook, I've always been quite careful as you never know (though I never knew how true that was!) and I'm friends with this bloke on Facebook of course.

I don't even know what I'm asking. I'm just reeling that someone I thought was decent really isn't, and I'm worried as he's seen the pics of my kids.

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 08/04/2017 11:38

Although I don't think 'porn' is a euphemism. It is incorrect and legitimising. I know you have now thought it through.

Original poster
RedRubyRed · 08/04/2017 11:41

Thanks trifle I'm going to report the thread as well. Hopefully they'll take it down. Talk about kicking someone when their down.

OP posts:
CreatingADream · 08/04/2017 11:42

How have you "always been careful".

There's a difference between always being careful by making sure your privacy settings are set high, and always being careful by making sure you don't post photographs of your kids in the bath, in bathers, naked on the beach / in the garden etc.

It's highly likely the police will have removed all his access to social media and his accounts. I doubt he will be using it in the future if he has been charged. It will be part of his conditions.

Original poster
RedRubyRed · 08/04/2017 11:44

All of that creative. High privacy settings and no photos at the beach etc still doesn't feel like I did enough though.

OP posts:
SummerHouse · 08/04/2017 11:45

I am no less or more shocked by the term child porn or child sexual abuse. Both terms explain what it is. Indecent images is the legal term. It is horrific whatever you call it. That is really not the issue here.

CreatingADream · 08/04/2017 11:45

Actual, pornography is the portrayal of sexual subject matter for the purpose of sexual arousal.It does include subject matter that features children. It also is a documentary of child sexual abuse in some cases. Not all photographs of children that are used for sexual gratification are depict sexual abuse - they can be innocent photographs of children on a beach.

Your use of the term is technically correct given the definition.

HonorBright · 08/04/2017 11:46

To go back to your OP, I think the unthinkable question that you can't bring yourself to ask is - has this man looked at pictures of your DC and become aroused? I know that this is sickening, but you will never know for sure. You need to give yourself some time to get over this shock. You say that you are already cautious about what you post, and you should continue to do so, but be kind to yourself.

SummerHouse · 08/04/2017 11:51

There is nothing more you needed to do or should have done. And this man has been caught.

wettunwindee · 08/04/2017 11:58

It's sadly not surprising here that you're being laid in to when clearly upset.

For me, both terms describe something horrific. Neither changes my thoughts about it.

TheBookIsOnTheTable · 08/04/2017 11:59

Think of it this way - if a man you know got arrested for viewing some sort of illegal extreme porn and images of adult abuse, would you worry "oh no, he's seen pictures of me on facebook, and I'm an adult too"...?

No, right? So I think you're fine here.

Hulder · 08/04/2017 12:02

OP, it's a horrible situation you are in right now but try and sit down, take some deep breaths and think rationally.

This man has been arrested for having images of child abuse. These are completely different to the sort of images you take of your kids and put on facebook.

He hasn't met your kids or had anything to do with them. There are millions of pictures of kids all over the place as well as actual kids everywhere. You've just done something completely normal.

Even if you limited your Facebook to family and friends you know well, you would still have no guarantee that one of them didn't in secret download images of child abuse. Because this sort of person is everywhere - just like you had no clues about your friend. In fact most actual abuse happens in families or by people you know anyway, not strangers from Facebook.

But normal images of kids playing football/going to the park/making a cake - think about it. Are you never going to take a picture again? Or show it to someone other than your mum?

You have no need to do this. Be kind to yourself. Your children have come to no harm, have no idea what has happened and they can't live in a bubble where they don't meet anyone other than you.

Original poster
RedRubyRed · 08/04/2017 12:08

Thanks so much thebook, I hadn't thought about it from that perspective and you're right Smile

OP posts:
CreatingADream · 08/04/2017 12:08

I think you will be fine, honestly. It's a horrible thing to go through, but it's very unlikely got any sexual gratification out of photographs of your children.

Be kind to yourself. You have done nothing wrong.

Original poster
RedRubyRed · 08/04/2017 12:11

Thanks other PPs for your posts too. Holder it's funny as I think due to all the reasons you've given I'm overreacting, but then my gut reaction is that I'm underreacting! Sounds naive but I just never thought it was something I'd have to deal with Blush I reckon lots of people say that until it happens Sad

OP posts:
MNHQ
ToniMumsnet · 08/04/2017 12:15

Hi all,
Thanks for your reports. We've changed the title of the thread now.
So hopefully the thread will now concentrate on the OP getting advice they have asked for.

CreatingADream · 08/04/2017 12:17

@ToniMumsnet - but it may not be images of child abuse? It may be photographs of innocent children being used for sexual gratification.

Dumbo412 · 08/04/2017 12:24

Sorry you are in this position, but in all likelihood your pics were safe. If he reappears on facebook I wouldn't be his friend though. Just me. But I wouldn't

Hulder · 08/04/2017 12:39

CreatingADream if he's been arrested, then he had images of children being abused.

Yes, he may have had some standard pics of kids in there but the police aren't going to go and arrest someone for having a large cache of inoffensive photos.

Him having a wank over a normal photo of a child is disgusting but doesn't harm any children. And he could do this TBH from any average Sunday supplement.

It's harm to children that is the issue.

CreatingADream · 08/04/2017 12:47

"Him having a wank over a normal photo of a child is disgusting but doesn't harm any children. "

Actually, it does. A child going through this can have long-lasting effects.

I know, because I have been that child. It is shit knowing that photographs of me were covered in various man's sperm and that those photographs were taken in a totally normal situation (a beach). There was nothing sexual about those photographs, but they were shared and used for sexual gratification.

You should read this link: www.bbc.co.uk/news/blogs-trending-38103791

TheCakes · 08/04/2017 13:26

It's very unsettling OP. What he did was horrible, vile, and fed an industry in which children are abused. For that reason you are right to cut him from your life.
You didn't know that was what he was doing - you can't berate yourself for that. I doubt he was broadcasting it. It's what you do when you do find out that counts, and I'm sure you won't be having anything more to do with him.
In terms of images of your own children, I would assume that if he had a hoard of indecent images he wasn't using your family photos for anything untoward. It's a horrible thing to think about but the best you can do is block, delete and try to move on.
Let the justice system deal with him now.

LorLorr2 · 08/04/2017 16:09

Oh that must be a shock for you.
Of course there's a bit of a chance he saw the photos of your kids, but he was probably a lot more interest in nudity than just ordinary family pictures.
I don't know where these people get their images from but they must be from some obscure websites or something.
Do whatever makes you feel comfortable, maybe talk it out with a mutual friend you have? Sometimes that can be therapeutic.

maggiethemagpie · 08/04/2017 18:10

Typical mumsnet, poster posts asking for advice and everyone piles in on her for the words she's used even when she's made it clear that wasn't intentional.
OP sorry for what you're going thru and even sorrier that some posters have had a bash at you for your choice of words.

TheRealPooTroll · 08/04/2017 18:24

I can see why you are feeling unsettled op but we don't know the thoughts and intentions of anyone who encounters our children on the street, on the beach or at the pool People also have access to publicly available pictures of children on school websites in childrens clothing catalogues etc. We can't stop people from seeing our children and you don't always know what people's intentions are. Not sure if that will make you feel better or worse so sorry if it's the latter.

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