AIBU to think that the institution of marriage is fundamentally deceptive and dishonest?

[K00kie]

Precisely that. Because, at the time you are often under the influence of cortisol and other hormones that won't last - and therefore you're vulnerable - you are made to pledge your entire life to one person, to the exclusion of all others. Regardless of whom you might meet later in life, and regardless of how the person to whom you pledged your life might change with time and so bear little similarity to the person you married. It amounts to institutional misrepresentation.

One might say - it's easy to get a divorce these days, so why worry? But then why bother getting married in the first place if you can get easily divorced?

In fact, even that's not easy as the very sad recent case of Mrs Owens shows - a woman refused a divorce and ordered by ass of a law to remain in unhappy, loveless marriage because, apparently, unhappiness in marriage is to be expected and is no grounds for divorce. How many couples tying the knot are aware of this?!

How many of you can honestly say after 10, 15 or 20 years of marriage or so, that you'd have made the same choice of husband / wife as you did all these years ago? How many of you can say that you still love your husband / wife after all these years?

I see so many couples around me who are disillusioned with their marriages, that seeing wedding couples makes me sick inside.

Any views?

Now - when we can expect to live until 80 or 90... it seems rather ridiculous to expect to be with one person that whole time. somewhat dull, no?

It really doesn't seem a dull prospect if you've met the right person.

I've been with mine for 32 years, I wait on the front gate for him to come home. And his tea is waiting for him every night, being a wife and mum is all I've ever wanted to be

Dull? Never, we have great fun and can do things people who are less comfortable in their relationship might find harder. Depends what is considered dull, I suppose. Total trust and respect isn't dull. I can think of lots of dull things but I associate many with repeated failed relationships.

I don't think it matters one bit whether you are married or not, all most people want is to be happy with that person and hope that it lasts as long as possible. No one entering a relationship can say it will be forever as no one knows what might happen in the future.

Sonlypuppyfat - you are joking I hope! Tea waiting for him every night ! What about him doing your tea every night?

YABVVVVVU
You sound bitter, and, quite frankly, unhinged.

It really doesn't seem a dull prospect if you've met the right person.

Totally agree with this. DH is the person I share hopes, dreams and idle chatter with. I come home to DH no matter where we are.

parker231 he's out working all day , I'm not

Cortisol? You got your hormone wrong. Did you mean oxytocin?
Living together is even less secure. So marriage is the lesser of two evils.

sonly

I think that's lovely.
I too haven't wanted to do anything else since having dc, although I wanted/ had career first.

Yes, agree here, but oxytocin x

Anyone calling you unhinged is probably male or a troll

eh?
How do you come to that conclusions totoros?

Speak for yourself, OP.

Dh and I waited 10 years before we could finally afford to get married and move in together, so hardly the first flush of hormones. Nobody made us get married, in fact I doubt anybody else even thought we'd get that far (long distance relationship, poverty, different cultures, no prospects), but we knew it was worth waiting for and making sacrifices for.

We have been together for nearly 35 years. I love him even more than I did then, because of the hard times we have gone through together and the fine man he has shown himself to be when really tested.

Don't get why marriage at 85 has to be duller than at 65. My parents are 85, have been married for 60 years and have great fun together. My ILs were very happy together until my FIL died aged 93. My uncle and aunt were very happy together until she died again in her 90s. My grandparents also very happy together.

Speaking personally, for me one of the great things of having been together for a long time is that you have so many shared jokes - so much of life is simply funnier because you can see it through a filter of shared laughter.

Of course I understand that many marriages are unhappy, but I don't get the passive attitude of "made to pledge yourself". Noone has "made" me do anything since I was about 17. As an adult I own my decisions.

Yabu! I have been with my dh for fifteen years, married twelve this year, yes we have changed but we have done so together! We love each other more today than we did on our wedding day and I can comfortably say that there is no reason why that will change after another fifteen, twenty five or thirty years of marriage. Love grows, it makes room for the changes, growth and life choices a person makes. With your argument I wouldn't love my children, because they have changed and grown from the first day I held them in my arms. I love my children entirely, the people they have grown into and the people they still have to grow into. Change need not necessitate the loss of love, in my case it has enhanced it! Our shared life experiences have strengthened our love for each other and our marriage in general.

I think if people go into a marriage thinking like your description, then they are not fully committed to that marriage. I also think there are people who marry for the wrong reasons, there are people for whom marriage is a bad idea completely! There are dishonest people who go into marriage knowing they have zero intention of being faithful. Unfortunately it is the bad stories that we hear more of, the cheaters, the liars, the bullies and the abusers. You don't hear about the couples who have loved each other more each day, who have fought the trials of life together and come out stronger than ever, with a love and companionship that sees them through their days to old age.

Marriage is not deceptive or dishonest, people are....

This discussion would be so much more meaningful if people actually read my posts properly before commenting, assuming, calling me names, and correcting me on the issue of cortisol. Still, thanks for contributing, especially to those of you who did read my posts.

I read your posts. Didn't make much sense. Why would an adult be complaining that someone had "made" them get married or that they had been subject to some kind of "institutional misrepresentation"? Surely no one could be so ignorant as to be unaware that people sometimes change over a lifetime or that they sometimes meet somebody else they wished they had married instead? Surely the divorce laws are well known and easily google-able? Where does the misrepresentation come in?

Other valuable things about marriage, albeit not stressed in this day and age:-

• Stable environment for bringing up children.
• Security for spouses, having someone to rely on.
• Security for couples, having their extended family to rely on.
• Recognition of the biological bond between both parents and children and families.
• Practicing self-sacrifice in favour of those nearest, and receiving their self-sacrifice in your favour.
• Learning not to be selfish.
• A public declaration of your intent to support your spouse and children over the course of your life, therefore requiring you to consider the full seriousness of this.
• Learning to work and develop your love, instead of buggering off when things get dull.

Some of which may be absent from any particular marriage, but the point is that the institution upholds these good things, and means they are more present in society due to marriage than they would be otherwise.

And then there's this from the OP

How many of you can honestly say after 10, 15 or 20 years of marriage or so, that you'd have made the same choice of husband / wife as you did all these years ago? How many of you can say that you still love your husband / wife after all these years?

It's a big myth that stuff like this is relevant. I've been married 15 years. Would I have made the same choice? I have no idea - I'm sure there are many other people I'd have been equally or more happy with. But surely the point is that I didn't marry any of them. And do I still love DW? Not in the same way as I met her, no. But that is because love develops and changes through one's life, or should.

when we can expect to live until 80 or 90... it seems rather ridiculous to expect to be with one person that whole time. somewhat dull, no?

Well..No no one is expected to do anything, you don't have to get married. If you still want to be playing the field at 80, get on with it.

I agree with op.

But marriage is still important to protect you if you're having kids together

Cory - while one may not be directly forced into marriage, many people get married because of societal norms and expectations, and perhaps gentle family or peer pressure. If people really knew what is involved in being married - all the hard work, compromise etc etc and all the other things mentioned in posts here - there would be way fewer marriages. I guess my point about misrepresentation is that many people can't know what to expect: marriage is supposed to be permanent but very often isn't.

Easy to say that marriage is wonderful if you find the right person. That IF is precisely the problem - what if the person you've married is not the right person, and you're not allowed to divorce them if they don't want to divorce you?

I get it that people change over time - it is to be expected and cherished. But what if they change in a way that makes your life miserable and you have no way out?

Yabvu!! I have been with my DH 16 years and I would choose him every time! Yes we've grown up and changed in many many ways, but we've done it together.

I actually feel quite sad at the disrespect for marriage that goes on, it's a life commitment 2 people enter into and shouldn't be sneered at

Actually I think people confuse a marriage with a wedding - they are not the same thing.

I'm a divorcee child of an abusive marriage and even I'm not that cynical!

It's not for everyone. But it's a choice, especially in western society now where there is much less stigma to living together and having children outside marriage.

Longevity means nothing alone a long happy marriage is very much to be celebrated.

I do get annoyed when people (usually those who haven't been through one themselves!) say 'divorce is too easy' it REALLY isn't I don't know ANYONE that's had an 'easy' divorce, especially if children are involved.

Out of my friends and relatives it is in line with stats roughly 50/50 those I know in happy marriages and those divorced or in unhappy/abusive marriages.

I'm surprised to realise I don't know that many couples living together long term. Some of the married people lived together before getting married but are now married but that may be my age (44) so for my generation living together was fairly newly accepted. Although even my younger friends/relatives that are living together are engaged/planning to marry in the future.

Those I know in happy marriages haven't relied on luck. They've been through tough times, worked through them together and supported each other.

Those that are divorced at least one party didn't understand that was necessary and were unwilling to put the effort in. Not so surprising when you consider the reasons given for divorce are usually things like infidelity, abuse, lack of affection, lack of support etc