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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think that the institution of marriage is fundamentally deceptive and dishonest?

129 replies

K00kie · 07/04/2017 19:56

Precisely that. Because, at the time you are often under the influence of cortisol and other hormones that won't last - and therefore you're vulnerable - you are made to pledge your entire life to one person, to the exclusion of all others. Regardless of whom you might meet later in life, and regardless of how the person to whom you pledged your life might change with time and so bear little similarity to the person you married. It amounts to institutional misrepresentation.

One might say - it's easy to get a divorce these days, so why worry? But then why bother getting married in the first place if you can get easily divorced?

In fact, even that's not easy as the very sad recent case of Mrs Owens shows - a woman refused a divorce and ordered by ass of a law to remain in unhappy, loveless marriage because, apparently, unhappiness in marriage is to be expected and is no grounds for divorce. How many couples tying the knot are aware of this?!

How many of you can honestly say after 10, 15 or 20 years of marriage or so, that you'd have made the same choice of husband / wife as you did all these years ago? How many of you can say that you still love your husband / wife after all these years?

I see so many couples around me who are disillusioned with their marriages, that seeing wedding couples makes me sick inside.

Any views?

OP posts:

Nancy91 · 07/04/2017 20:38

Cortisol?

ithakabythesea · 07/04/2017 20:41

I've been married for nearly 25 years and yes, I would marry him again tomorrow. I've done lots of stupid things in my life but marrying DH was the best decision I ever made and I truly believe we will be together til we die.

KatieScarlett · 07/04/2017 20:44

DH has spent the last week bringing me food, lifting me in and out of the shower, drying my hair, doing all the chores (while cleaning up my vomit) and amusing me (as I'm bedridden and pissed off). He still insists I'm adorable
25 years next year. That's love.

PurpleDaisies · 07/04/2017 20:45

I don't agree with your post. I'm happily married (9 years). I'd still make the same choice and I haven't ever regretted it. None of my friends who married at a similar time have divorced and they seem happy.

Yes, my husband isn't the same as he was when I met him but neither am I. That's not a bad thing.
If you don't like the institution of marriage, you're free not to take part.

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/04/2017 20:45

"you are made to pledge your entire life to one person, to the exclusion of all others. Regardless of whom you might meet later in life, and regardless of how the person to whom you pledged your life might change with time and so bear little similarity to the person you married. It amounts to institutional misrepresentation."
Well, I expect that I will change greatly the course of my lifetime. I am already aware of several "me"s, as it were. And I expect my husband to change as well. We are, after all, the sum of our experiences, and as we age and gain more experiences, the sum total naturally changes.

The trick is, to change together.

There is no misrepresentation. YABU.

seesensepeople · 07/04/2017 20:47

YABVU - Marriage is probably the best value for money you can obtain, whether at the basic £80 or so for a licence or £20k for a big do the rights, privileges and financial benefits are huge (and yes that goes for civil partnerships as well).
Those who say "it's just a bit of paper" are living in an alternative reality.
Want to minimise inheritance tax? Marriage
Want to transfer assets freely? Marriage
Want someone to be able to make decisions on your behalf if you're incapacitated? Marriage
Want to transfer unused basic rate tax allowances? Marriage
Want automatic parental responsibility? Marriage
Want priority claim on the deceased's pension and other trusts? Marriage

I won't go on but you get the picture...

Liara · 07/04/2017 20:48

Been with dh for over 25 years, and I certainly would choose him out of all the men in the world if I had to choose a husband now.

Of course he's changed. Thank fuck, he was 18 when we met and the idea of being married to an 18 yo, no matter how wonderful he may be, is very offputting.

I've changed too, I am certainly not the same person I was in my teens, but the fact that we did this together and through joint experiences makes us closer and love each other more, not less.

Of course some marriages don't work out, and it's great that we can have civilised divorces these days, but chucking out the whole institution just because it doesn't work for everyone seems a bit extreme.

GnomeDePlume · 07/04/2017 20:48

Arcadia I agree with you that your view is skewed. The couples you meet are not representative of all married couples. You are meeting the ones who cant work it out.

Do you know what percentage of divorcing couples engage a solicitor?

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 07/04/2017 20:49

Nobody forced me to get married. I love him most of the time, today? Not so much
Rough with the smooth & all that.
I can see where you're coming from though, I'll sit myself on the fence for this one.

LivininaBox · 07/04/2017 20:54

I partly agree with you OP, but I think the problem is the way society presents relationships, and especially weddings, as all lovey dovey fluffy candyfloss. Real life is tough. But once you have kids, like it or not you are tied to the other parent forever, even if you hate their guts, whether you are married or not. Marriage is about creating stability for kids and the parent (usually the mother) who sacrifices a career to look after them.

So, YANBU to feel that relationships can be shit but YABU to suggest marriage is pointless.

Original poster

K00kie · 07/04/2017 21:19

Hi everyone, OP here. Glad to hear there are so many happy people on these boards. I absolutely have no problem with it and I honestly hope your happiness and successful relationships will last. I also hope you realise how truly lucky you all are. Because from what I see, a successful marriage is to a large degree a question of luck of being with a person you can 'grow together with' rather than ending up with someone who pretty much stops caring with time and becomes, for instance, a nagging, criticising grump, taking you completely for granted, and frankly sucking away any joy of life with that attitude. Knowing your future spouse for a long time before marriage is not much help here, as some people just age in an ugly way. Speaking here from my parents' experience - seemingly a perfect loving couple for decades, now unable to exchange a sentence without getting on each others' nerves.

No traumatic experiences here - just a thought that we only have one life, and giving it to one person forever seems exceedingly naive. Mind you, I'm not 'the one with a mix and match approach to relationships'. I am very monogamous by nature - hence the problem. Once I'm stuck, I'm stuck for good.

Btw, as for cortisol, 'levels of the stress hormone cortisol increase during the initial phase of romantic love, marshaling our bodies to cope with the “crisis” at hand.' Certainly food for thought there.

OP posts:

Original poster

K00kie · 07/04/2017 21:28

Seesensepeople, you're very persuasive

OP posts:

Trollspoopglitter · 07/04/2017 21:34

What the actual fuck. You on glue?

Original poster

K00kie · 07/04/2017 21:35

No glue. Never been more clear-headed.

OP posts:

RufusTheRenegadeReindeer · 07/04/2017 21:36

My husband is ok...

As husbands go

RufusTheRenegadeReindeer · 07/04/2017 21:36

Notagainmun · 07/04/2017 21:41

Married DH at 19 and he was 23. Have had a wonderful marriage for almost thirty years. Would do it all again with no shadow of a doubt. Can't agree with you OP.

minionsrule · 07/04/2017 21:41

My sister married her husband 2 months after meeting him, still going 37 years later, yes they argue and bicker but the love is deep and it really is till death do them part - btw she was 20 when she got married.
DH and I married 8 months after meeting, 12 years in and no I wouldn't change him for anything - we change and we grow but we don't grow apart.

ny20005 · 07/04/2017 21:59

Op - from reading your original post, I assumed you were the child of a broken marriage

I feel very sorry for what's happened to you that makes you feel like that.

I'm with my dh for 15 years this year & married for 12 & I love him more every day. We hate to be apart from each other & I honestly couldn't live without him.

I truly hope you find the one who can change your opinion

frogsgoladidahdidah · 07/04/2017 22:01

I love being married...

Andrewofgg · 07/04/2017 22:03

I can. Married 38 years. Thee has never been anyone else possible since I first saw her eighteen months before we married. I hope that answers your questions.

gillybeanz · 07/04/2017 22:17

just a thought that we only have one life, and giving it to one person forever seems exceedingly naive.

I totally agree with this and luckily I met my dh who also felt the same.
We have grown together, but right from the start we both believed that if either of us ever met someone we would rather be with, then we should.
Why be with someone you don't want to, if you don't have to.
All through our married life we have kept this belief and still do.

Neither of us have found anyone else, and both had chances.

Quietwhenreading · 07/04/2017 22:20

Kookie I'm sorry that your experience of marriage has been so poor.

My DH and I got together as young teenagers. We got married in our early twenties after 10 years together. We've now been married for nearly 20 years.

We are so happily married that other people comment on it.

We are each other's best friends and I love him more with every year that passes.

He's not perfect, but neither am I.

We are very lucky, but it's not all luck. We consciously work hard at our marriage. Good communication is key.

Perhaps not everyone is as happy as we hard but I don't think we are so unusual:

Both our parents have been happily married for nearly 50 years.

Our siblings have been married for for more than 15 years.

Our Aunts and Uncles are all still married after 20-40 years.

Of all our married friends only one couple have divorced and that was very sadly a marriage break down after a bereavement.

I know the divorce stats are high but there are also millions of happily married people around.

Legally and financially it still makes far more sense to be married before having children.

Crumbs1 · 07/04/2017 22:21

Your post is bordering on offensive to those of us who respect and value of marriage. Marriage is a protected characteristic and you are being decidedly judgemental and prejudiced.
I am very happily married to my husband and we have been together for 32 years. It's not luck. It's commitment, hard work, compromise, tolerance and forgiveness. It's also fun, shared memories and responsibility, total honesty, complete acceptance and unconditional love.
You sound cynical and I am feeling pity for you that you seem to consider relationships as a disposable commodity for immediate gratification, commercial gain and short term pleasure. That's the complete opposite of marriage.
I'd absolutely marry my husband all over again.

fufulina · 07/04/2017 22:29

Of course YANBU.

50% of marriages end in divorce!

I think marriage was a very different proposition when people died at 65 (the life expectancy of men when the state pension as we know it was introduced in 1948 was 67; only 70 years ago). Now - when we can expect to live until 80 or 90... it seems rather ridiculous to expect to be with one person that whole time. somewhat dull, no?

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