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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think should be able to have confidential conversation with my brother

29 replies

LovelyBath77 · 07/04/2017 19:50

without it involving SIL?

Our parents are difficult. I was discussing it with him, and after she asked, what were we talking about? She also seems to see his FB messages to me. I find it strange. Can;t imagine getting involved in problems she had with her parents. it wouldn't be my business.

OP posts:
Unpropergrammer · 07/04/2017 19:53

Dp shares everything to do with his parents with me. Why wouldn't he? I'm his partner.

FatOldBag · 07/04/2017 19:54

YABU and weird. Why would he keep secrets from his wife? Why would you want him to?

Patriciathestripper1 · 07/04/2017 19:58

No it wouldn't be your business because you are not married to her.
But you would probably discuss problems with your husband.

Asmoto · 07/04/2017 20:04

My sister and I often discuss our parents (various age-related issues) and I'd think it odd if my DH or her DP insisted on knowing the gory details. It wouldn't upset or annoy me, it would just be strange because it isn't really their business.

Asmoto · 07/04/2017 20:04

^YANBU OP

Huldra · 07/04/2017 20:26

If you tell one half of a couple something you need to be prepared for them to share with their partner.

Huldra · 07/04/2017 20:30

I say that as someone who has a difficult parent and has had to speak to my siblings about it. I would expect my brother to share some with his wife because our difficult parent is her difficult inlaw.

gamerwidow · 07/04/2017 20:30

Your sil is part of your family and your parents are her parents now by marriage. It's not weird that she would want to know what was going on. Her parents are not related to you in the same way so of course you wouldn't have the same interest in them. Don't you care about your partners parents. I consider my PIL as much a part of my family as my mum.

SparklyPantaloons · 07/04/2017 20:33

Why does it need to be "confidential" from his own wife? If he's stressed or worried or thinking about something a lot, of course he will share and so he should. Depending what the issue is, it may end up affecting her in the long run also.

Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 07/04/2017 20:36

She doesn't get it. That is why. She doesn't get why I would be NC with my mum and tries to interfere and get me to contact her etc. I don;t think it is any of her business.

OP posts:
Ineedmorelemonpledge · 07/04/2017 20:40

I may expect my DB to share a conversation with my DSIL, but I certainly would not expect her to interfere.

Asmoto · 07/04/2017 20:40

There's a difference between someone deciding to share something with their partner, and the partner asking immediately after the conversation "What were you talking about?" Asking someone what they were talking about, in that sort of context, is quite intrusive.

Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 07/04/2017 20:45

It was, especially when she went on to tell me to contact my mum etc. I feel as if i have lost my brother, that she sort of takes over. I mean I have just come to the conclusion i can't share stuff with him now.

OP posts:
Huldra · 07/04/2017 20:46

I still think it would be unrealistic to expect him not to. If she's trying to interfere that's a different issue and one that's between you and her. You need some good ways to stop her as soon as she tries Flowers I'm in a difficult situation with a parent too.

Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 07/04/2017 20:46

Yes it was he involvement which bothered me. I don't mind him sharing stuff with her, just not the involvement and opinions etc.

OP posts:
UppityHumpty · 07/04/2017 20:49

I have really difficult parents (abusive narcisstic shit heads basically) and share everything with my dh and would expect my siblings to share with their partners. You can't accuse her of not understanding if you haven't told her the full story of why you're nc Hmm

Itsnotmesothere · 07/04/2017 20:49

I agree with Hulda.

Huldra · 07/04/2017 20:51

I posted that before I read your last reply. Sounds like you need some good ways to slap down her advice as soon as she starts.

Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 07/04/2017 20:56

But I have told her. and she doesn't seem to get it. She has been looking at some texts between me and my mum on my mum's phone. Which i think is odd. I don't know. I know my gut instinct is now to not share with my brother as I can't trust her not to get back to my mum. Like a flying monkey. I don't need it. Maybe i can deal with NC without support of my brother.

OP posts:
Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 07/04/2017 20:58

Hilda yes. If she starts again I think I will just say I don't want to discuss it anymore.

OP posts:
SpreadYourHappiness · 07/04/2017 20:59

YABU. My MIL is another parent to me. It would be very weird for DH to not tell me things about them. I am his family, and they are my family, so it is my business.

Bluetrews25 · 07/04/2017 21:00

Well, SIL's parents are no relation to you, but your parents are SIL's PILs, so she is related to them. Perhaps she should know what is going on?

Emphasise · 07/04/2017 21:05

It would be much weirder if he didn't tell her imo. She shouldn't interfere though

picklemepopcorn · 07/04/2017 21:05

Her interest in your parents isn't the same as your interest in her parents. It's like your brother's interest in her parents.

The relationship you and your brother have with your parents affects her. If a caring role is needed later, it is likely to involve her. If there are financial decisions, it's likely to affect her.

If you cannot have a good relationship with your DM, it isn't a bad thing for her to have a relationship with someone else, if that is something you are worried about.

She has no say in your life, and should not offer her opinions to you unless invited. She can of course tell your DB what she thinks, and have a relationship with your DM.

KitKats28 · 07/04/2017 21:14

It's amazing how there are two parallel threads with completely different answers.