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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just go along with whatever my partner wants because I want a baby so much?

95 replies

elanore11 · 07/04/2017 08:33

I know put like that my title sounds as if it could be goady or even trolling, which I promise it isn't. But I do need some honest advice (preferably not LTB.)

I am 36 next month. I have been broody since - well, forever, really. I met my partner last year, although I had known him beforehand and he is kind and loving. I do love him and I think he loves me.

In many ways, we aren't totally compatible. He's religious. I believe in God and sometimes attend church but since getting with him I've had to feign an interest that isn't always sincere. He also differs in his views to me.

However, he is lovely, I love his family, they seem to really like me. I feel a warm sense of belonging. And that's family, isn't it?

So even though I have doubts and misgivings AIBU to just accept that life without a family and my own children would not be one I want and to marry this man?

OP posts:
fluffygreenmonsterhoody · 07/04/2017 08:37

What are your doubts and misgivings?

UndersecretaryofWhimsy · 07/04/2017 08:38

Yes YWBU in my opinion. You haven't been together long and you're pretending to be someone you're not. (Why can't you just tell him you're not as religious as he is? How would he respond?)

'Settling' rarely works. You get the kids, but you also get a lifetime tie to someone you have a bitter, rancorous relationship with. Would you want to be 'settled for', or would you want to be chosen wholeheartedly?

Bottom line, your relationship is quite new and already not good. A baby stresses the best relationship quite badly. You'd be better off throwing this fish back and looking for another one, or deciding to have kids without a partner, than trying to have a real family life with the wrong man just because he's here.

noeffingidea · 07/04/2017 08:41

I would advise against this, tbh. I did something similar and I've regretted it many times. Yes I have my children, I really don't have anything else going on in my life.
The religious aspect just wouldn't work for me, because I'm atheist and really wanted my children to be brought up in a religion free enviroment (as much as possible). I certainly wouldn't want to pretend I was interested in any religion, because being able to be open and honest about being atheist is very important to me.
I think you have to be very careful in thinking about how important it is to be yourself, and not to sacrifice your sense of self and individuality. I do understand the drive to have children though.

Original poster
elanore11 · 07/04/2017 08:42

fluffy, I suppose my doubts are that his religion and devotion to it don't match mine, primarily.

Undersecretary, well no, that's not quite the case. It's a good relationship, I do love him and I think he ticks a lot of the good husband/partner boxes. I also think he'd be a lovely dad.

OP posts:
Original poster
elanore11 · 07/04/2017 08:43

I definitely don't think I could fake it if I was atheist but since his beliefs are roughly mine anyway but he's just more devoted to it all than I was/am ... I don't know!

OP posts:
NotStoppedAllDay · 07/04/2017 08:44

Religion... root of all evil

If it's your main problem then be careful

Smudddle · 07/04/2017 08:46

How will you feel when he wants your children to be involved in religious teaching and ritual you don't really believe in?

UndersecretaryofWhimsy · 07/04/2017 08:46

Why are you pretending, then?

Having doubts at this stage is quite a big red flag.

NameChange30 · 07/04/2017 08:46
Confused

"I think he loves me"
You think he loves you?! After a year together you should know he loves you. If you don't that's a problem.

"I've had to feign an interest"
What do you mean, you've had to? What would happen if you were honest and said "actually, I don't want to go to church today"? I think it's normal to sometimes do things to please our partners, but it's not normal to feel that you have to pretend you're into something when you're not.

"He also differs in his views to me."
What kind of views? Do you have different views on the big, important topics? You don't have to agree on everything but you do have to agree (or be close enough, or willing to compromise) on the big things.

"I have doubts and misgivings"
What are they?

redexpat · 07/04/2017 08:48

My dh has faith. I dont. But we both knew that when we got together. His deal breaker was that our children be christened which im fine with.

Have you talked to him about this? It sounds as if you are willing to accept his level of faith, but he wont accept yours.

You mention other views. Like what?

CalonGoch · 07/04/2017 08:50

Take the baby out of the equation.

Would you want to marry this man - to spend the rest of your life together - if you found out one, or both of you, were unable to have children? That's your answer.

DancingLedge · 07/04/2017 08:50

Fine if you have differences and can be honest and respectful about these.

Potentially disastrous , and kind of disrespectful, if you're pretending to be someone you're not.

UndersecretaryofWhimsy · 07/04/2017 08:50

You'd also need to consider: what if you and this man are infertile? Can you see a life with him without children? Or (as it seems from your post) is his primary attraction that he'd do as a dad right now? What's going to happen to those doubts and worries if you can't paper over them with a baby?

UndersecretaryofWhimsy · 07/04/2017 08:51

Cross post, calon! Smile

Original poster
elanore11 · 07/04/2017 08:51

Smuddle, I wouldn't mind because I do believe, just not as passionately as him. Hard to explain but if, say, he was a Christian and I was a Muslim I can quite see that would be difficult but as it is he is a very devout Christian and I am a not-so-devout Christian.

Doubts and misgivings are mainly that I feel like I don't quite meet his high standards. This is possibly in my head though.

OP posts:
JoanRamone · 07/04/2017 08:51

Personally I don't think you should marry someone unless you really love them. If I thought my husband was in any way "settling" I would be heartbroken. That's not to say I think relationships can or should be perfect, but that warts and all, it should feel right to be making a lifetime commitment to that particular person. Not because they are around at the right time for you to have a baby, or because they are a really nice person, but because you love them and you want to be with them through everything life throws at you both; good and bad. If you don't feel like that about your current partner then in my opinion it isn't fair on either of you for you to essentially "make do".

However, if you genuinely love him but the misgiving is about religion- I would have to be honest with him in your situation. Tell him what you do and don't believe, how far you are prepared to be involved in his religion going forward (if at all) and that this may well never change. It might be important to him to be with someone who actively shares his faith, and again I think you would be doing both of you a disservice if you weren't honest about something that is clearly important to him.

Original poster
elanore11 · 07/04/2017 08:52

That's a good question about children - possibly not. But then I don't know if I'd be madly interested in finding ANYONE if I wasn't going to have children with them :)

OP posts:
robinia · 07/04/2017 08:56

I agree with Joan. You need to be open with dp about where you stand on religion. Once that is done there's no more need for the pretence and falsity which is no way to live your life and very unfair to dp.
It may not be an issue at all for him - if he loves you I would hope it wouldn't be. But you both need an honest relationship, not one based on a lie.
I'd also, as pps have said, consider what you might feel if you are unable to have children.

JoanRamone · 07/04/2017 08:59

I honestly think from what you've said, that this man isn't the one for you, nor you for him. Are you saying that you would happily be single but want a child, or that you wouldn't be interested in anyone who didn't want children?

Original poster
elanore11 · 07/04/2017 09:00

The latter, really. I've always wanted a family of my own.

OP posts:
UndersecretaryofWhimsy · 07/04/2017 09:01

I don't think you should have kids with or marry anyone at all unless you can have an honest conversation with them about your doubts and worries and any potential differences in your values. It is a bad sign that you seem to have defaulted to just going along with what your DP wants rather than talking about your differences with him.

GreenPeppers · 07/04/2017 09:01

I'm finding your question a bit surprising TBH.
It's quite normal not to have the same level of 'devotion' even if you share the same beliefs.mI would have no issue with it as such.

What would be an issue is if he expects your unto have the same level of devotion/involvement than him. Religious belief is certainly one of those areas where you just cannot force someone to belief or be involved and yu really need to r spent their own way to relate to God.

So my question to you is: why is it that you have 'faked' your interest? Do you feel that he wouldn't saty with you if you weren't as keen as he is? He is quite intolerant re religion and what you ought to do?

If he isn't and that was just coming from you (to not feels isfferent fromnhim, because younthiugh you had to, whatever the reason), then I would slowly stop being as involved and carry on building a family with him. You seem to be in love, to be happy, he is a nice guy so why not?
If the issue is that he is putting pressure on you to be involved the same way than him, then no. Please leave and don't try to fit into the box he is forcing you into.

corythatwas · 07/04/2017 09:01

It is perfectly possible to live in a relationship with somebody of a stronger faith than yourself, or with a believer when you are an atheist or agnostic, but it does demand honesty and mutual respect. And a good deal of trust in each other's goodwill. (speaking from experience here)

Also, by the sounds of it, it won't be just about you two. Remember that from your pov the aim of this exercise is to bring a third human being into this mix, somebody who will live in the house and have their own ideas and question yours. So what will you tell your child? Will you lie to them? Or tell them you lied to their dad?

GreenPeppers · 07/04/2017 09:04

And YY about issues wth differences in values and so on....

A quick note though. DH and I have different 'religion'. Neither of us are really practicing but it was important enough for him to want to get married in church and have a christening for our dcs for example.
I never shared those beliefs and have actually discovered that another religion matches my own bliefs much better at a later date.
We still share the same values in life and have no issue with each other having different set of belief re God etc...

smashyourglasses · 07/04/2017 09:05

Just get a dog.

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