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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just go along with whatever my partner wants because I want a baby so much?

95 replies

elanore11 · 07/04/2017 08:33

I know put like that my title sounds as if it could be goady or even trolling, which I promise it isn't. But I do need some honest advice (preferably not LTB.)

I am 36 next month. I have been broody since - well, forever, really. I met my partner last year, although I had known him beforehand and he is kind and loving. I do love him and I think he loves me.

In many ways, we aren't totally compatible. He's religious. I believe in God and sometimes attend church but since getting with him I've had to feign an interest that isn't always sincere. He also differs in his views to me.

However, he is lovely, I love his family, they seem to really like me. I feel a warm sense of belonging. And that's family, isn't it?

So even though I have doubts and misgivings AIBU to just accept that life without a family and my own children would not be one I want and to marry this man?

OP posts:
JoanRamone · 07/04/2017 09:05

The thing is as well, if you do marry this man and have a child, that child will grow up and move out, then it will be you and this man living together. I know you can get divorced, but surely at the point of marrying someone you should both be looking forward to a lifetime together; not just starting a family but believing that this is the person you want to be with when your children have flown the nest and you can have some alone time!

zozozoo · 07/04/2017 09:07

What if you had a gay child? Is he the kind of strict religious person who would make life very difficult for the child? Assuming you wouldn't...

Creatureofthenight · 07/04/2017 09:10

I think it's quite common for people to pretend a bit at the beginning of a relationship. But by the time you get to marriage and kids, you should have got past that.
You say you think he loves you - does he tell you he does?
Does he want to marry and have children as much as you?

specialsubject · 07/04/2017 09:12

'This is the best I can find' is acceptable when you are shopping for clothes and bored.

It is not really the way to choose a life partner.

Original poster
elanore11 · 07/04/2017 09:12

Being totally honest re a gay child, I don't think for a moment he would ever reject them. I can, possibly, imagine him not accepting them as 'gay' - seeing it as a phase, or something.

I'll ignore the dog comment!

I don't think I've lied but I will accept I've been economical with the truth.

OP posts:
alltouchedout · 07/04/2017 09:13

If you have dc together will he want to raise them as devout? Would it matter to you? Is he the sort of religious person who believes to be other than heterosexual is a sin, that female headship is unacceptable, etc, or the sort whose faith inspires them to love and be genuinely tolerant? You say you think he loves you- would his love survive a total loss of religious belief on your part? Would your love for him be affected if he made religion an even bigger part of his life?

And, before all that- if you didn't want a baby so badly, would you want him?

purplecoathanger · 07/04/2017 09:13

I have two sets of friends where one is religious and goes to church and the other isn't.

Both are happily married with children. You are never going to meet someone who is just the same as you; it would be boring if you did.

There are far more important questions to ask yourself IMHO. Does he treat you well? Is he kind? Is he considerate? Do you want similar things from life? Does he make you laugh? Is he moody? I'm sure you get the idea.

Snowflakes1122 · 07/04/2017 09:15

Don't settle OP. You are still young evough to meet someone you know loves you (and this is what you deserve too)

Having a baby with someone your not sure about 100% is a bad idea.

Snowflakes1122 · 07/04/2017 09:16

You're not your

WorraLiberty · 07/04/2017 09:17

Slow down

You only met him last year (as your partner/boyfriend). What's the hurry?

There's plenty of time to work this out, without even thinking about children yet.

EpoxyResin · 07/04/2017 09:17

Well I'm deeply unromantic and unsentimental about love at this (not all that advanced) stage of life, and perhaps it was the urgent necessity of having children that made me look at relationships in a more pragmatic manor. But I don't see any reason not to pursue a relationship and family with this man, if he wants the same things. If your potential worry is the difference in religious piety, you're not presenting that as a huge hurdle in my opinion, but it is difficult to judge your gut feeling.

Original poster
elanore11 · 07/04/2017 09:20

What's the hurry?

Well, I'd agree if I was twenty-six next month but as it is, there is a hurry unfortunately.

OP posts:
mummymeister · 07/04/2017 09:20

You are settling for something less than perfect and less than what you want and this is never going to end well.

MrTCakes · 07/04/2017 09:24

You can have a child and be a family without a partner.

If you had met this man when you were say, 30, would you be settling for him then? Because it does sound like you are settling now. I had a child with my less than ideal husband and now we are divorced; we also had differences re religion.

EpoxyResin · 07/04/2017 09:25

I should add, I think it's fine to be looking for a man to have children with (with a view to being in a loving relationship with them and together as a family) as opposed to hunting out "the love of your life". For some people the two are the same person, but for others the knowledge you're looking for someone to share a family with significantly changes the search criteria. Often for the better when it comes to choosing someone you could actually be with for the long run!

NameChange30 · 07/04/2017 09:26

"I feel like I don't quite meet his high standards."

Hmm. Does he criticise you? Is he quite demanding? Do you ever get the sense that he feels superior to you? Do you ever think he's trying to get you to change your behaviour, values, personality?

Original poster
elanore11 · 07/04/2017 09:26

I wouldn't want to have a child without a partner, cakes, so I do need to find somebody.

OP posts:
Original poster
elanore11 · 07/04/2017 09:27

Emma, I think he sees himself as 'right' as a default and if I deviate from that, then that's okay, he won't be horrible or anything, but he is still right. Which I KNOW I have explained really badly,

OP posts:
MsJuniper · 07/04/2017 09:29

I agree with Epoxy. As someone who has had issues with fertility, I would not hesitate in your situation. Sometimes there just isn't someone better waiting around the corner.

I would try to be more honest about your true feelings, but not in a dramatic 'reveal', just slowly stepping back from anything you don't feel reflects you.

antimatter · 07/04/2017 09:30

If your values differ what is the difference?
Can you share sone examples with us?

FittonTower · 07/04/2017 09:31

I don't think this is about faith. Slightly differnet levels of devotion to the same faith shouldn't be a reason to doubt your relationship. Either he's unecessary about it or you are trying to hide bigger problems from yourself.

TheSparrowhawk · 07/04/2017 09:31

So, what if he's 'right' about it being essential for you to work/be a SAHM? Or 'right' that the child you desire so much should be smacked?

There is no love in your posts. Do not do this to yourself.

MyGastIsFlabbered · 07/04/2017 09:33

The ticking of my biological clock drowned out all the misgivings and red flags when I married my exH. I can't regret marrying him because without that I wouldn't have my boys, but honestly, I should have listened to my head and found someone else.

Don't settle, having children puts incredible stress on even the most perfect of relationships, if there are already doubts it's a recipe for disaster (imo and obviously I could be projecting here)

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 07/04/2017 09:36

My religious friend and her non religious dh have a great marriage. She goes to church most weeks. He joins her every now and then. Their dc have been bought up in the faith (catholic) and both parents have insisted they go to church until an age they can decide for themselves (around aged 14 in their case).

I see no reason it shouldn't work for religious reasons.

NameChange30 · 07/04/2017 09:37

I don't think you are projecting MyGast. I think there are several red flags based on what the OP's already told us.

OP, read the profile for "Mr Right" - does that sound anything like him?