To just go along with whatever my partner wants because I want a baby so much?

[elanore11]

I know put like that my title sounds as if it could be goady or even trolling, which I promise it isn't. But I do need some honest advice (preferably not LTB.)

I am 36 next month. I have been broody since - well, forever, really. I met my partner last year, although I had known him beforehand and he is kind and loving. I do love him and I think he loves me.

In many ways, we aren't totally compatible. He's religious. I believe in God and sometimes attend church but since getting with him I've had to feign an interest that isn't always sincere. He also differs in his views to me.

However, he is lovely, I love his family, they seem to really like me. I feel a warm sense of belonging. And that's family, isn't it?

So even though I have doubts and misgivings AIBU to just accept that life without a family and my own children would not be one I want and to marry this man?

If you are not being honest with him then he doesn't really know the real you, that's fine when everything is just tipping along nicely but when you hit hard times this could become an issue.

Me and DH are actually both of the same faith but have different beliefs on some things, its not a biggy but lying about it is.

A marriage based on a lie (which is what it is if you can't be honest with each other) is no marriage. If he "needs" someone as devoted to his religion as he is as a life partner, you decieving him in this is grossly unfair. If he doesn't "need/expect" this then it's totally unnecessary.

Be honest with each Other And see where it gets you. Or end it and look for Mr Right.

Thanks for that link Emma

Not exactly. He would never be rude or disrespectful towards me in the way 'Pat' was in that link. Occasionally he will speak very gently as you would to a child who is struggling to make sense of the world.

Doubts and misgivings are mainly that I feel like I don't quite meet his high standards. This is possibly in my head though.

It doesn't matter if it's in your head or not. You can't marry someone and have children with him if you don't feel that you meet his standards. It will chip away at you. You will find yourself pretending to be someone you are not, hiding your inmost self, destroying the intimacy that should exist between you. You should be able to be yourself with your husband and know that you are loved, respected and valued for who you are. That you are indeed "good enough" even if you are also different from him. And certainly not treated like a wayward child!

And if you are also letting his family think that you are more religious than you really are, then your "warm sense of belonging" to his family will be based on an act too.

If you want to stay with this man then you have to be honest with him about your beliefs. He may not agree with your beliefs but he should respect them and you. If he doesn't then the relationship will always be hollow and shoddy. You owe it to yourself and to him to be truthful.

If you are afraid to be yourself with him then either you need to find a way to overcome your fear and be open, or you need to move on and have your babies with someone else. You are only 36. You have time.

Do you really think I do have time, though?

I take on board the points you're making but surely, taking it from meeting someone to having children with them, I don't really have much time at all.

You've "had" to feign an interest that isn't sincere and he thinks he's always right. If he's truly the right person for you, he would accept you as you actually are, unconditionally. I don't get a picture of what compromises he would be making in your relationship.
Does his church offer a pre-marriage course? It sounds like there are a lot of issues regarding family life, attitudes to raising children, finances, life goals etc where your wants and needs could differ. If you are aware of these and able to accept each other's perspective it could work. If he doesn't even know you think differently or know but doesn't care because he thinks he's always right you will have a desperately unhappy with this man.

if you are going to settle for less than you want, then know that you are doing this and be prepared to live with the consequences. They really wont be pleasant particularly when the going gets tough and differences on religious views will be the least of your worries then.

this is not the man for you. if it was why would you be asking a bunch of random strangers for their comments. I had no hesitation with my DH, absolutely none. and I didn't give a shiny shit who else thought he was unsuitable, or not for me or anything else. Now married almost 30 years. He isn't perfect but would never talk to me like a child struggling to make sense of the world. sorry but that is both a rude and disrespectful thing to do.

you are wearing baby goggles. you aren't seeing clearly because its all about having a baby. how will you cope if this baby is less than perfect? will he be a support or a constant criticism of your parenting?

unless you are prepared to spend the next 50+ years on compromise after compromise after compromise, just don't do this. and certainly don't bring a child into this situation either.

I don't think I'm being very clear. It's not about being perfect, at all. I don't know how to explain it.

I agree with Klein and mummy.
I'd rather use a sperm donor and be a single mum than have a child in a relationship like this.

Nobody can tell you with certainty that you have time. I know many women, myself included, who have had babies after the age of 36 but it is a reality that conception can be much more difficult. Sorry op, I understand that this is a very difficult decision for you.

"Doubts and misgivings are mainly that I feel like I don't quite meet his high standards. This is possibly in my head though."

He's doing a number on you already. Please don't have a baby with this man. Leave him and find someone who thinks of you as his equal.

I'm not religious in anyway and worked with a devout Christian once. He was very fixed but open about his beliefs, no sex before marriage, dry wedding, did not approve of me living in sin with my partner etc.

You dp doesn't sound extreme assuming you are getting some bedroom action and 🍷 If you love him you need to have a frank and honest discussion with him over your religious differences and how flexible he is to being with someone who doesn't share his beliefs and not trying to change them. How would he expect a child to be brought up etc, i.e. You could agree dc go to church but he accepts if they want to stop. Then you make you decision.

Occasionally he will speak very gently as you would to a child who is struggling to make sense of the world.

Sorry op I don't know how you intend to make him sound, and I'm not sure you do either tbh... But from your posts he sounds like a dick.

These doubts and questions you have will get worse if/ when children arrive.

What church does he belong to? Because of its:
Evangelical- RUN
Pentecostal- run
LDS- fucking run
JW- as above
Catholic- run
Orthodox - Christ, run!
CofE- at a stretch
Methodist- as above
Quaker- maybe
Spiritualist- get the fuck out of there.

And that's only presuming he's christian...

I don't know how to explain it.

This is the biggest red flag of all, OP.

You know this man is not right for you. Please don't settle.

If you leave a space in your life for Mr Right then he may come along quite quickly. If you speak honestly with your partner about your beliefs and values then you may find out that he was Mr Right all along.

I don't suppose you would consider having children without a partner and I am not recommending it, but even that would be healthier for them than you marrying a man based on pretense.

I am not suggesting that you leave your partner. Just that you talk honestly to him. The worst that can happen is that you will avoid making a terrible mistake.

Your set up might be tolerable right now, but it won't be appealing in 4 or 5 years when you're in the thick of child-raising, and it will be downright repellent after 20 miserable years together.

I don't think you quite realise how -> your relationship seems to people who're in the middle of child-rearing with someone they actually like and want to be with. You need to be with someone you get and who gets you, who can buoy you up and make you laugh, who you know has your back, you look forward to hearing them walk through the door at the end of the day, and you save stuff up to share with them - mundane and important. And vice versa.

It's am

Looking at it completely dispassionately OP, how does your relationship function? How well do you communicate? Do you compromise equally when a compromise is necessary? Do you have shared life goals, aspirations, attitudes to raising children? Do you agree on the divisions of household labour, the use of personal free-time and your attitudes to your own/each other's jobs? How do you approach and resolve conflict? Are you respectful or each other, kind and forgiving?

If so, I think the fact that perhaps you engage in religion above and beyond the point that your heart's really in it (if that's all you mean by him being more "in to it" than you) then I think that's fine. If it's something you can't put your finger on that's causing you to feel more uncomfortable than that, do tell us...

I know from my perspective I have found the best man I have ever met; the most honest, respectful man and the best father to our dc. Is he the man I would have been with had children not been high on my agenda? Possibly not; but then again I always liked a tumultuous, "passionate" love that - even when I married the "love of my life" - I always knew was not a love capable of giving a child a secure and nurturing environment. And I wanted kids. So did I "settle" for something less than fireworks? Nope. I made a decision about what I really wanted out of life. And I am bloody pleased with the result!

It's easy to tell someone else that they will definitely find someone better and that they definitely have time, but the reality is many women never "meet the right man" and don't have the families they want. It happens. It's hard; life decisions are hard; you just have to make them as best you can. With the best will in the world they don't always work out. If you really feel you're blinkering yourself to a genuine red flag, you can't do that to yourself, please DON'T do that. But if you're just wondering "is it enough?" only you know how highly you rate the potential rewards and how much you're willing to risk. Good luck!

Please don't settle. When you find someone who makes you feel like the youest you can be (very Dr Suess but you know what it mean!) you will be glad you didn't. It's wonderful.

I'm saying that as someone who wanted a big family, settled to get it, then after marriage was told no more than one child. And I always felt I never quite lived up to his standards either.

Now I've met the one!

I'm with mygasisflabbered I say don't settle. I did. I don't regret my girls but I'm stuck in a loveless relationship.

However, differing opinions can work, but be careful when you bring kids into the mix. Is he so devout hell have strong views which may restrict your children in the future?

elanore11 I don't think I'm being very clear. It's not about being perfect, at all. I don't know how to explain it

I think you are being perfectly clear actually. I hear you saying:

I want a baby, not a relationship and because of this I am willing to marry someone who I know is not suited to me, to lie to do whatever it takes to have that baby.

Loads of people do it, and they then get divorced. Is that really fair on a child do you think - to bring them into a situation you know isn't right? To do this would be really selfish and having a child is all about putting them first and not being selfish.

What if you get engaged say for 2 years then marry and he immediately says he isn't having children no matter what he said before. what then? could he do it - well yes and just as you are lying to him about religion he could be lying to you about wanting children.

then you will be 2 years further down the line and no child.

having a child is wonderful and an experience of a lifetime but it shouldn't be your whole reason for living. what if you are infertile? what if he is?

Hang on a minute. Is this about your self esteem. Would you say you don't measure up to anyone's high expectations? Until you love and accept yourself, it is hard to love another as an equal. Mant women make the mistake of thinking having a child will fill the void they have inside themselves.

I am struggling to understand why you say he sounds like a dick ollie. Op has said very little about him.

I know lots of people who have differing views on religion but most of them are a la carte catholics, who certainly don't think their way is right or have any sense of moral superiority.
As someone who was brought up as a catholic and is now an atheist, I would not agree to insist that my children attend church until a certain age, as a pp described.
I don't believe in Mr Right or one true love but I would be vary wary of marrying & having children with this man.
Some religious beliefs are fairly benign, but others are very judgmental and not compatible with tolerance and openness.
It sounds like this man falls into the latter category, if he would not 'accept' a child being gay.
I couldn't be around someone who viewed my differing religious beliefs as somehow inferior, or how treated me in such a patronising and paternalistic way.

Looks like what you are actually desperate for is a sperm donor. The loud tick of your biological clock means you aren't thinking straight.

No relationship is better than a duff one with a child brought into it. And lying to this man is insulting to him.

There are ways to have a baby alone. Needs lots of money and time commitment - but what baby doesn't?

You know he's not right for you, or you wouldn't be asking. I suspect there are also more doubts and misgivings than you are mentioning. Don't forget that the fall-out of your potentially disastrous marriage will affect not just you but also the child you so desperately want. The 'heavily religious' and 'speaking gently as to a child...' would be big red flags for me.

Would you marry him if you didn't want children? The answer to that is all you need to know.

Have you actually had a conversation about this? If you are pretending to be more religious than you are, he may presume you have the same values as the shared religion. For example if , after you have had your children you are stuck in a loveless marriage, he could force you into 5 years separation because he doesn't believe in divorce. However, I think it must be more than this. I wouldn't have thought a difference in devotion to the same religion would cause someone so much angst ifeverything else seemed right. I was a rubbish Catholic when I met my now DH. He was quite a hardline atheist. We agreed to some not very difficult compromises on marriage and children. As it happens, despite my DM telling me to make him see the light and convert to Christanity, I have become Atheist