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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To just go along with whatever my partner wants because I want a baby so much?

95 replies

elanore11 · 07/04/2017 08:33

I know put like that my title sounds as if it could be goady or even trolling, which I promise it isn't. But I do need some honest advice (preferably not LTB.)

I am 36 next month. I have been broody since - well, forever, really. I met my partner last year, although I had known him beforehand and he is kind and loving. I do love him and I think he loves me.

In many ways, we aren't totally compatible. He's religious. I believe in God and sometimes attend church but since getting with him I've had to feign an interest that isn't always sincere. He also differs in his views to me.

However, he is lovely, I love his family, they seem to really like me. I feel a warm sense of belonging. And that's family, isn't it?

So even though I have doubts and misgivings AIBU to just accept that life without a family and my own children would not be one I want and to marry this man?

OP posts:

Riversleep · 07/04/2017 10:50

To be fair, he did say that if I was a very devout Christian, he probably would have seen it as a dealbreaker, as would I, but you both have the same belief.

fakenamefornow · 07/04/2017 10:53

I'm going to go against the grain here and say give him a chance. Is marriage even on the cards though, have you discussed it? From the sound of it he wouldn't have children unless he was married. I think this is a point in his favour already. You say he'd be a good dad, presumably this means even if you split up. Lots of posters are saying don't worry, meet somebody else, you've got loads of time. I don't think meeting compatible people is that easy, you might never meet anyone as good, and the fact is, for baby making, you don't have loads of time. I'm sorry if that's painful to hear. I think the question to ask yourself is would you rather be single and child free or with this person possibility with children. It's true, you might meet the man of your dreams tomorrow and sail off into a blissful future together but personally, I think we've all seen to many Hollywood films.

If it's children you really want I think you should just choose between this man (if he's willing) and a sperm donor. You say he'd be a good dad, personally, I think that beats a donor where the child would have no dad. I'd drop the fake religion though, it unsustainable anyway.

Olympiathequeen · 07/04/2017 10:53

Maybe if you are needing to ask this question now you should not get married? Even the most disastrous relationships start out with a conviction that their partner is 'the one'. Questioning it at this stage would suggest it's not right for you.

madameweasel · 07/04/2017 10:57

A marriage should be between partners who are prepared to treat each other as equals. From what you've said, your partner doesn't treat you as his equal, and you are being less than honest with him. This will all end badly. Walk away.

FerdinandsRevenge · 07/04/2017 11:01

Not read the full thread but have read your answers op. I'd say be honest and be yourself for three months. If it works out great, if it doesn't just get a sperm donor. Either way that's effectively what you'd be doing if it didn't work out and you'd be stuck dealing with someone you don't like anymore. The difference would be you go in to parenthood with eyes wide open about how many children you can handle as a single mother and not need 'permission' from another parent regarding life choices.

Batgirlspants · 07/04/2017 11:03

Well look at it from his point for a second. You are lying to him about your degree of faith and really using him as a sperm doner.

That's unfair to him and you shouldn't be contemplating marrying him unless you are completely honest at the outset.

CalonGoch · 07/04/2017 11:07

Here's another thought, the bluntness of which I apologise for in advance! Do you actually fancy this man? Because getting pregnant doesn't always happen first time out: you may have to do a lot of shagging, sometimes at the order of an ovulation kit, rather than because the Urge is Upon You. Speaking from experience, TTC can require more than just physical attraction, but also a sense of humour, patience, mutual support. But without physical attraction, it can be soul-destroying.

It does feel - sorry - as if you're talking yourself into marriage to this man because you want a baby, but your having a child wouldn't be the end of the story. Your comment about him probably not accepting his own child as gay - well, that would give me serious pause. What if you wanted a divorce? What if you were unhappy? What will you do for the thirty or so years, hopefully, after your children fly the nest?

UndersecretaryofWhimsy · 07/04/2017 11:08

He would never be rude or disrespectful towards me in the way 'Pat' was in that link. Occasionally he will speak very gently as you would to a child who is struggling to make sense of the world.

So what you're saying is that in your honeymoon period, when you're both on your best behaviour and the stresses on you are as low as they will ever be, you feel judged and slightly patronised. Can you see that that will not get any cuter?

Honestly I wouldn't want to marry someone who felt about me like you do about your partner. I'm not going to say that you DEFINITELY have time to meet someone else. You may meet the love of your life tomorrow if you split and have a baby this time next year, and you may never meet someone else. But I think you'd be better off becoming a mother as a single woman than settling for this relationship.

SingingSilver · 07/04/2017 11:10

Once you have your children will you still be so willing to tolerate his differences? Think 5/10 years ahead.

And if you can't, how will you feel about the DCs leading a much more religious life when they are with their DF - what if they become just as religious and you're more surrounded by it than you are now?

Honestly if you're already religious though, I don't fully understand why him being more so is really much of a problem?

Phoebefromfriends · 07/04/2017 11:16

Pretending to be someone you aren't is a recipe for disaster, it is exhausting and you can't keep it up forever. There are a number of things you've mentioned about this guy that would put me off a short term relationship let alone someone to have children with. Dishonesty so early on is troubling, i just don't agree that having a baby is more important than being authentic with your partner, he's basically being duped into being a sperm donor.

Gooseygoosey12345 · 07/04/2017 11:21

I'm struggling to understand the issue really. I'm Catholic and my OH is atheist. The only thing that's been an issue in 4 years is whether we'll have our baby Christened, but he's quite happy to go along with it after a discussion, it just doesn't mean anything to him. I do think that you probably shouldn't have pretended to be so devout as it's a bit misleading but it's certainly not something that should come between you.

CardinalCat · 07/04/2017 11:30

I am trying to word this very gently because I have been you in the past. But please, listen to your gut my dear. Something is not right, and you know it's not right. Having a child will test your relationship, not strengthen it, and if you are even having these doubts and asking these questions, then you yourself know that your relationship is flawed. Let' s be honest, all relationships have flaws, but yours has a fatal one as I see it. Being able to be completely and unapologetically comfortable in your own skin in a partnership is, to me, a non negotiable deal-breaker. I couldn't raise a child in a false environment and to conceive one in that knowledge is I think very foolish. It will eat at you for the rest of your life.

I left a relationship that sounds a bit like yours and met my DP at the age of 36. We took it slowly and decided to have a child three years later and we conceived straight away I know that we were lucky but please do not assume that you will struggle, and do not tie yourself to a lifelong relationship with a man who is not a good match. This is NOT your last chance, it doesn't have to be, but you have to be very brave very soon.

CardinalCat · 07/04/2017 11:32

I agree with goosey that the religion thing is a bit of a red herring. me and DP are from opposite ends of the irish catholic/ protestant spectrum but we've managed to deal with it BECAUSE WE ARE OPEN ABOUT WHO WE ARE AND WHAT WE BELIEVE IN.

this is the key [part.

OP, if you are really not minded to LTB then I think at the absolute least you need to sit him down and come clean that you really aren't as big into it as he is, and see if that makes you feel a bit better about the relationship as a whole, once the deception is gone. If not, then there are deeper issues that you are going to have to face sooner rather than later.

morningconstitutional2017 · 07/04/2017 11:39

A lot of us settle down with 'Mr Nearly Right' and can be fairly happy BUT it depends on how much the difference in religious views matters to you. Is it likely to drive a very bad wedge between you? Only you can answer that and neither do you have a crystal ball.

Also your relationship is still quite new. This a subject which the two of you must discuss together and see if there is a harmonious middle ground. Maybe hang on in there for a bit and then see how you feel.

Toobloodytired · 07/04/2017 11:43

Op,

Here's my situation.

--I settled with my ex solely because I wanted kids, I didn't want to be with him for the rest of my life, personally I wasn't that fond of him. I however didn't want to have to go looking for someone else! I fell pregnant within 3 months, I didn't trap him, we just weren't using anything.

This is entirely your choice, just don't pin hopes on it working out forever!

TheDowagerCuntess · 07/04/2017 11:44

DH is culturally catholic (IYKWIM), whereas I was raised in a heathen country that doesn't take any notice of that stuff.

Some of our earliest discussions were around falling out over this. We fell out over a fair few issues. That's part of why we like hanging out together and chatting. We both bring something to the conversation.

You don't need to agree and converge all the time.

But the way you describe your relationship, doesn't sound conducive to long-term happiness.

Vegansnake · 07/04/2017 12:04

It will all be fine ,you are overthinking it.

NameChange30 · 07/04/2017 12:13

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 07/04/2017 12:21

Elanore, it sounds at though you don't really know each other very well, because he doesn't know how you really feel about things because you won't rock the boat and tell him. You're considering children with him yet you don't even know what his views would be if he had a gay child! Have you even discussed children? Are your parenting styles compatible? Do you avoid having "heavy" conversations with him? Have you had any disagreements yet and, if so, what? Sorry, lots of questions, but as I said, the impression I'm getting is that you just don't know each other very well.

UndersecretaryofWhimsy · 07/04/2017 17:24

It's not actually the difference in religious beliefs that causes me to say this isn't a goer. That's common. It's the fact you don't feel you can be yourself with him, the fact you have nagging doubts, and the fact you seem pretty clear you wouldn't be with him if you weren't desperate for a baby.

I don't think he's a bad man, but I don't think you're right for each other.

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