AIBU? Family member (long!)

[Ilovewheelychairs]

Okay I'm posting in AIBU because I think I've lost perspective and may need a shock back into reality.

So, 3 years ago I met my DP. I get on really well with his parents and all of his friends so then I was introduced to his DB and SIL. First meeting with them and their children (15 and 9 at the time) all went well. Fab. I then went away to a hotel for a few days with them all over the Christmas period. All seemed absolutely fine at the time, we all seemed to have a good time. Only after that SIL started ignoring me. Not only that, but she'd make nasty comments about me to her friends who then posted sarcastic comments about me on fb (causing MIL to deactivate her account because she was upset about it), was actively rude to me when I saw her, even turned her back on me if it was just me and her. I asked my DP and my PIL repeatedly during this time what the problem was and nobody knew. After a YEAR of this, I then get a really awful text from SIL saying that when we were away in the hotel I had corrected her youngest child's manners at the dinner table and that I was rude and had treated her terribly. I immediately apologised (I don't remember doing so nor does anybody else at the table but I am prepared to accept I might have done) and we sorted things out.

Everything okay for a few months. We saw them 2/3 times, all fine. Last time I saw or had any contact with her was July. Suddenly in December she blocks me on fb and starts bitching about me again to everybody. Yet again, nobody has any idea of what I've done. However her mother had just died (to put this into context she had not seen or had anything to do with her mother for 35 years- her mum walked out on them when she was 4) so I thought she was probably grieving. I sent her some flowers and a card and left it at that.

On Christmas Day my DP proposed to me. BIL, SIL and family all in NYC for the Christmas period so my DP texted them to let them know. We had one text back, from his DN (who is now 18) saying 'that's brilliant, can I be a bridesmaid????' Nothing else from any of them.

We decided over the Xmas holiday that we were going to go away to get married and have a really small ceremony and honeymoon all in one. I'm a teacher so we're limited to school holidays. We have chosen to go to NYC in October half term and have a party when we got back. My parents/PIL and everyone else we spoke to thought it was a brilliant idea. DP rang his BIL and explained what we were doing and he seemed really pleased but said he didn't know if they could all go out as DN would be first term at uni. We said we understood that it would cost a lot (and they had just spent £15k on 16 days in NYC over the Xmas holidays!) but hoped that they would be able to join us for the party. A week later we got an email from BIL saying they wouldn't be coming out because he wouldn't split the family up and leave SIL and the kids (18 at uni and 13!) at home for 3 days because I hadn't asked DN to be a bridesmaid and that's all she'd ever wanted to do. We thought this was a bit odd, but accepted it, explained that I wasn't going to have any bridesmaids out there because it's such a small ceremony etc. BIL seemed fine.

Moving on, we booked NYC and a place for the reception in the U.K. I sent DN plus my two best friends invitations to be bridesmaids in the UK so they didn't miss out. DN took over a week to reply. Apparently SIL had been causing so many issues at home (ignoring DN and BIL, favouring youngest, yelling etc) that DN was too scared to reply and say she wanted to be involved. However, she did accept eventually and seem really keen. I found dresses they all liked and DN tried it on. I explained that I would like her to be involved in organising the hen do (an afternoon tea of 3 hours max, nothing major) and asked if I could give her number and email to my other bridesmaids so they could organise things together. DN really excited about this, had lots of ideas for the hen do. All good.

Fast forward a couple of weeks and everything has gone to shit. DN is refusing to answer any communication from either me or my bridesmaids. I had sent them all details of who I wanted to invite with contact details and what I wanted to do. I had to nag her to reply and confirm which date was good for her. Eventually she did. However, a week later she then sent a one line email to my bridesmaids saying she wasn't coming any more.

I sent her a text asking her why she wasn't coming and I thought she had wanted to be involved? If she couldn't come why did she choose that date as we could have easily chosen another one. It was important to me she was there as my bridesmaid etc. She ignored me but DP then got an email from BIL slagging me off, telling me DN was in the middle of mocks and it would be my fault if she got rubbish results because I had upset her. I sent an apology via DP (because nobody in their family ever actually speaks to the person they are upset with, drives me mad). DP then met up with BIL one evening to have a few drinks and sort a few things out. BIL seemed to be under the impression we had deliberately organised the entire wedding to spite them in some way. DP explained a good many things to him and they got on well. DP asked BIL to be his best man and BIL was chuffed and accepted.

DP then asked why SIL disliked me so much. BIL couldn't really give a straight answer but said the only thing he could think of was a comment I'd made in March which she wasn't impressed with. And which incidentally she wasn't even there for, it was PIL and DNiece and DNephew. It also had apparently taken her 9 months to decide she was cross about it??? She was also upset that I hadn't invited her to the hen do (she hadn't spoken to me for months?? Did she really expect to be?) and also that we hadn't consulted her on when or where we were getting married, that I hadn't given her the bridesmaids dresses or invitations to approve and even cross that my DP hadn't consulted them about proposing to me! DP kind of just said 'well that's a bit ridiculous isn't it? If she'd said something we could have sorted it out months ago'. BIL just said 'that's just SIL' and changed the subject.

They finished their night out and went back to BIL and SIL'a house. DP slept on sofa. He was woken by SIL screaming in his face at 2.30am because BIL was a bit merry (he's 43!) and how he'd deliberately taken him out to get drunk and he'd probably spiked his drink etc etc. DP was a bit stunned so didn't really say anything, she then went back upstairs and had a screaming row with BIL.

Next day he receives an email from BIL apologising for the night before and pulling out of being his best man because he had to 'put his family first'. He said he didn't feel he could do a positive speech about me and DP together so he'd rather not be involved. A day later, I get a vile text from DNiece pulling out of being my bridesmaid because of all the 'drama' I had made about her not being able to go to the hen do and she wasn't going to go to that so she wasn't going to be my bridesmaid. She put words into my mouth. Apparently I had said to her that she was 'clearly not up to the job' which I would never have said. I replied, explained that I had never said that, I just needed some communication with her at some point and it would have been polite of her to just send me a text saying she was too busy to organise it or explain why she couldn't come. I also said that SIL could come to the hen do if she wanted and that I would keep her bridesmaid slot open for her to change her mind at any point. No reply.

So, a week later I decide to email BIL myself because I know that DP really wants him to be at the wedding reception. I explained that DP really needed him there, we were only asking for 5 hours of his time. I understood it was me and SIL who were making it difficult and I was prepared to apologise and make things right if he could tell me what it was I was apologising for (!). I also reiterated what I had said to Dniece about her place still being open etc. No reply. I then sent SIL a massive box of chocolates with an apology. They were received yesterday and I got a completely raving text back about how I was splitting up the family, we were rushing all the arrangements for our wedding, there was no need for that we should have sat down with them and discussed time/date/place/bridesmaids with them and PIL (because apparently my parents don't really matter!). How dare I ask DNiece to help organise things, she's only 18 and just wanted to be DP's bridesmaid and wear a dress, I was completely unreasonable. How dare I send an email out with a list of people I wanted to invite to the hen do to her daughter, nobody does that it's really weird and I'm not right in the head. That I sent a really nasty text to her daughter and that was the last straw, I had alienated them all. She then finished up by saying they were a close family before I arrived and they now aren't because of my behaviour. She's washing her hands of the whole thing. And she thought I should know what I'm apologising for!

I was a bit stunned tbh. I replied saying that I had discussed with and asked DNiece if she was happy organising things, and she'd said yes. That all I was asking for was the occasional reply to a text and I didn't think that was too much to ask, but if she had told me that then I would have let her off the organising part. That they hadn't shown any interest in our engagement at all, they didn't even send us their congratulations or anything so I was confused as to why they felt we should run all our decisions about our wedding by them- did she do that for her wedding? And that I wasn't asking her to be my friend but I was just asking that she allowed BIL to be at his brothers wedding. She sent me back a 'crying with laughter' emoticon. That's it.

So, if you've got to the end of this, AIBU? Am I really the psychotic bridezilla that SIL is implying I am? MIL is siding with SIL and saying I have to be nice to her, she has always behaved that way and it's just her. But I feel bullied and upset. I have tried to apologise and she's just thrown it back in my face. But I don't want to be seen as the person who is splitting up my DP's family and MIL is implying that it's my fault with not going along with SIL's demands. DP is very much on my side btw, defends me to BIL, SIL and MIL. I just feel so sad that this may prevent a major part of his family being at his wedding.

[CMamaof4]

Wow, She has completely lost her mind, and you are a saint for being so nice to her! I could never bed that nice, Get away from them nasty horrible bastards.

[wizzywig]

She is going nuts as she does not have a happy marriage and has been unfaithful and so she wants to piss on your big day. She wants attention

[Vegansnake]

Wow...just wow..I can't see this being sorted out..unless you cancel the wedding and leave yr dh...then I think she will be pleased...you will never change her..I think you are trying to hard to please..time to leave her to stew in her own juice

[2017SoFarSoGood]

Oh my, she is a one! No, you are definitely not the one who is being unreasonable here. Remember, you can't fix crazy, so stop trying. You can remain calm and polite to all, and don't apologise unless you feel you really did something worthy of it, but you can't change her.

Congratulations. Have a wonderful wedding and a great marriage

[Chinnygirl]

I'd wash my hands of the whole lot. You don't need this repeated drama in your life. It's not your fault and if she goes on like this she will ruin her marriage and her relationship with her children. You are just the current excuse to be angry at. Stop apologising and stop communicating with her. She will never treat you welk.

[Moussemoose]

If you give in now that's going to be your life.
Every family event in the foreseeable future.
Think about that.

Ignore them all. They can do what they have to do. You do what you want.

[NotOneThingButAnother]

My SiL was similar, she'd make up things to be offended over. I went NC 15 years ago, best idea ever. DH sees them sometimes, that's his problem, not my circus, not my monkeys as they say. They are not allowed to see our DC as she wanted to "be alone" with them - WTAF? Over my dead body.

I'm afraid by apologising and dancing around them you have validated the mock offence SiL has taken. As posters have clearly said above, wash your hands of them and for fucks sake don't give them yet another chance.

[LonginesPrime]

I feel bullied and upset

Yes, because they bullied you and upset you.

I'm so glad you're getting married abroad, OP - if I were in your position, I would probably try to change the venue for the reception as it sounds like they're likely to cause drama (even if they're not invited).

I also feel sorry for your BIL and agree with PPs that you should walk away and leave them to it.

[fannydaggerz]

She's a psycho. Start standing up for yourself to them!

Don't let her bully you because she's a miserable bitch.

[EatTheChocolateTeapot]

Sounds like she is using you as a scapegoat.

[DownTownAbbey]

She's never going to like you because in her mind she's queen bee and you're a threat. She's got the rest of the family trained and you're supposed to apologise for existing to keep her sweet. This is madness! How come she cheats 3 times and gets away with it but you aren't allowed to plan your own wedding???

If PIL want to flap around her out of fear of losing contact with BIL and his DC that is their choice. But what happens when you have DC? Are they supposed to obey SIL as well?

You shouldn't have your life made a misery by BIL's poor choice of wife.

[Rescuepuppydaft2]

www.healthyplace.com/personality-disorders/sociopath/beware-the-narcissistic-sociopath/

[Rescuepuppydaft2]

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-legacy-distorted-love/201105/the-narcissistic-family-tree

[Rescuepuppydaft2]

flyingmonkeysdenied.com/

[Rescuepuppydaft2]

pro.psychcentral.com/recovery-expert/2016/07/the-narcissists-flying-monkeys/

[girlywhirly]

OP, SIL sounds very similar to my EXH's 2nd wife, who was eventually found to have Narcissistic Personality Disorder. She would pick on perceived (untrue) criticisms or remarks and take against the person who supposedly made them, after having been friendly and pleasant previously. She then began turning others against that person by telling lies about them. I suspect she is doing this with DN, first she wants her to be bridesmaid, then she won't let her. It is all to get attention and she is immensely envious that this will not be given when all the attention is on you and DP. She will criticise everything, as she has started to do already. She will interfere with any relationship you try to have with her DC, because she has to control them.

It is classic that narcissists will make you doubt yourself and try to put things right, they can be very convincing and you can start to think you are the one in the wrong. They also pick people who have something to exploit, such as anxiety or other emotional vulnerability. They will also justify their behaviour such as having affairs, as being perfectly acceptable, because they get the attention they crave.

If NC is what is needed, then do it.

[TooManyTrolls]

The other thing I would suggest is to refuse to discuss her with anyone other than when you are having a moan to your DH. If your MIL wants to talk to you about her then just tell her you don't want to and that your DH can deal with her.

I know it's easier said than done but just step back, don't get involved and leave your DH to deal with his family.

[EffinElle]

Batshit sil is the one splitting the family not you. Mil needs to be told this and face up to the fact batshit sil is the problem, not you.

[HollyJollyDillydolly]

Sil sounds awful, whatever you say or do will always be wrong unfortunately. There's a similar relative on my side we don't speak to any more because they're very similar and it's too draining trying to appease them all the time. No-one stands upto them and we're just meant to accept that's 'how they are'.

Hopefully bil will come to his senses and attend the wedding especially if he does end up separating from sil, him not attending to placate her will have all been for nothing.

[Mrsmadcatlady]

Wow gosh sounds awful OP. It seems that, yes, your SIL sounds batshit crazy, but probably underlying issues, controlling behaviour (on her part), enabling behaviour (her family) plus maybe some jealousy.

I would feel exactly the same for wanting to apologise (even if I didn't know why) but I think she's validating the whole hate against you every time you try to extend any kind of friendship or apology.

I agree with other posters, and take a step back and let your H2B take over all communication. You have tried so hard and yet, you are still painted as the one in the wrong. If your H2B wants his DB present, then he will have to sort it. I would still keep the offer of bridesmaid open to DN, and tell your PIL that you don't understand what you've done wrong, you've only tried to be friendly and you will let H2B deal with SIL from now on. Please don't let this unhinged SIL from hell ruin or dictate how you celebrate your wedding. I know you've previously posted that you wouldn't want them looking back regretting that they didn't attend, but this is all her doing.

I didn't have the same experience but had a few decisions pushed on me that I wish now I hadn't given in too. Luckily, it wasn't anything too major and fortunately I look back on my wedding day with lots of happy memories. Had I been the person I am now, I wouldn't have let anyone try to run our wedding they might have needed a straw to eat their food from now on

Keep your head held high, and throw yourself into planning your wedding and starting the rest of your lives together.

Congratulations!

[Rescuepuppydaft2]

I could honestly write a dissertation length post on my experience with narcissists and flying monkeys. I could have easily written your post only exchanging SIL for MIL etc. What it comes down to is jealousy, as far as your SIL is concerned she owns your DH and his parents.

Before you came along, she was the only young women in the family and would have loved having your dh and bil to flirt with and pander to her whims. She is threatened by you joining the family, perhaps you are prettier or cleverer than she is, or she may have panicked seeing how much your Dh loved you and your PIL liked you. So she has set out from the start to destroy you, aiming to split apart your relationship and prevent you from bonding with your in laws.

She is not a blood member of your dh's family yet believes she should have been consulted before he proposed to you. Every normal sane person knows that is not normal. Your in laws included but they have been well trained by their other DIL to pander to her whims.

You are not going to be able to salvage this relationship, your SIL is a narcissistic sociopath and her daughter and husband are currently flying monkeys. Your Dn is already showing signs of becoming as narcissistic as her Mother. You can not reason with these people.

The only and best action you can take it s to go no contact with them. This is YOUR wedding day and your SIL and her flying monkeys have spoiled enough of the enjoyment of planning your wedding. It needs to stop! Have your DH them know that they are not welcome at your wedding, (DN and BIL have both behaved appallingly) they should not be allowed an open invitation! You deserve a happy wedding day, not for your day to be ruined by a selfish, jealous narcissist! If your MIL doesn't like that then tough! Your Dh should be standing up for you! My Dh has and we have been so happy since we cut our narcissists out!

[girlwhowearsglasses]

Yes stop apologising. Don't ever send flowers or chocolates (unless there's a genuine reason like you ran over her cat or someone close has died.)again.
YANBU!!

[emmyhNL]

OP: you've got the patience of a saint! I'd definitely not apologise anymore and I'd be going NC. I agree with the few posters who have said to reach out to DN and BIL just to assure them if they ever need anything etc.

You can't rationalise with crazy

[Janeofalltrades1]

From what you've written, it is clear she is a psycho but I can't help but to think what's her side of the story?

[LakieLady]

She's batshit and YANBU. There's no point in being reasonable with people who are beyond reason. If the rest of DP's family are silly enough to accept her appalling behaviour, that's their lookout and not your problem.

My Ex-H's family were a bit loopy and manipulative, so we got married in secret without telling them. Any announcement of forthcoming nuptials would have led to MiL trying to persuade/browbeat/manipulate me to get married in a Catholic church, and it would have gone downhill from there.