AIBU? Family member (long!)

[Ilovewheelychairs]

Okay I'm posting in AIBU because I think I've lost perspective and may need a shock back into reality.

So, 3 years ago I met my DP. I get on really well with his parents and all of his friends so then I was introduced to his DB and SIL. First meeting with them and their children (15 and 9 at the time) all went well. Fab. I then went away to a hotel for a few days with them all over the Christmas period. All seemed absolutely fine at the time, we all seemed to have a good time. Only after that SIL started ignoring me. Not only that, but she'd make nasty comments about me to her friends who then posted sarcastic comments about me on fb (causing MIL to deactivate her account because she was upset about it), was actively rude to me when I saw her, even turned her back on me if it was just me and her. I asked my DP and my PIL repeatedly during this time what the problem was and nobody knew. After a YEAR of this, I then get a really awful text from SIL saying that when we were away in the hotel I had corrected her youngest child's manners at the dinner table and that I was rude and had treated her terribly. I immediately apologised (I don't remember doing so nor does anybody else at the table but I am prepared to accept I might have done) and we sorted things out.

Everything okay for a few months. We saw them 2/3 times, all fine. Last time I saw or had any contact with her was July. Suddenly in December she blocks me on fb and starts bitching about me again to everybody. Yet again, nobody has any idea of what I've done. However her mother had just died (to put this into context she had not seen or had anything to do with her mother for 35 years- her mum walked out on them when she was 4) so I thought she was probably grieving. I sent her some flowers and a card and left it at that.

On Christmas Day my DP proposed to me. BIL, SIL and family all in NYC for the Christmas period so my DP texted them to let them know. We had one text back, from his DN (who is now 18) saying 'that's brilliant, can I be a bridesmaid????' Nothing else from any of them.

We decided over the Xmas holiday that we were going to go away to get married and have a really small ceremony and honeymoon all in one. I'm a teacher so we're limited to school holidays. We have chosen to go to NYC in October half term and have a party when we got back. My parents/PIL and everyone else we spoke to thought it was a brilliant idea. DP rang his BIL and explained what we were doing and he seemed really pleased but said he didn't know if they could all go out as DN would be first term at uni. We said we understood that it would cost a lot (and they had just spent £15k on 16 days in NYC over the Xmas holidays!) but hoped that they would be able to join us for the party. A week later we got an email from BIL saying they wouldn't be coming out because he wouldn't split the family up and leave SIL and the kids (18 at uni and 13!) at home for 3 days because I hadn't asked DN to be a bridesmaid and that's all she'd ever wanted to do. We thought this was a bit odd, but accepted it, explained that I wasn't going to have any bridesmaids out there because it's such a small ceremony etc. BIL seemed fine.

Moving on, we booked NYC and a place for the reception in the U.K. I sent DN plus my two best friends invitations to be bridesmaids in the UK so they didn't miss out. DN took over a week to reply. Apparently SIL had been causing so many issues at home (ignoring DN and BIL, favouring youngest, yelling etc) that DN was too scared to reply and say she wanted to be involved. However, she did accept eventually and seem really keen. I found dresses they all liked and DN tried it on. I explained that I would like her to be involved in organising the hen do (an afternoon tea of 3 hours max, nothing major) and asked if I could give her number and email to my other bridesmaids so they could organise things together. DN really excited about this, had lots of ideas for the hen do. All good.

Fast forward a couple of weeks and everything has gone to shit. DN is refusing to answer any communication from either me or my bridesmaids. I had sent them all details of who I wanted to invite with contact details and what I wanted to do. I had to nag her to reply and confirm which date was good for her. Eventually she did. However, a week later she then sent a one line email to my bridesmaids saying she wasn't coming any more.

I sent her a text asking her why she wasn't coming and I thought she had wanted to be involved? If she couldn't come why did she choose that date as we could have easily chosen another one. It was important to me she was there as my bridesmaid etc. She ignored me but DP then got an email from BIL slagging me off, telling me DN was in the middle of mocks and it would be my fault if she got rubbish results because I had upset her. I sent an apology via DP (because nobody in their family ever actually speaks to the person they are upset with, drives me mad). DP then met up with BIL one evening to have a few drinks and sort a few things out. BIL seemed to be under the impression we had deliberately organised the entire wedding to spite them in some way. DP explained a good many things to him and they got on well. DP asked BIL to be his best man and BIL was chuffed and accepted.

DP then asked why SIL disliked me so much. BIL couldn't really give a straight answer but said the only thing he could think of was a comment I'd made in March which she wasn't impressed with. And which incidentally she wasn't even there for, it was PIL and DNiece and DNephew. It also had apparently taken her 9 months to decide she was cross about it??? She was also upset that I hadn't invited her to the hen do (she hadn't spoken to me for months?? Did she really expect to be?) and also that we hadn't consulted her on when or where we were getting married, that I hadn't given her the bridesmaids dresses or invitations to approve and even cross that my DP hadn't consulted them about proposing to me! DP kind of just said 'well that's a bit ridiculous isn't it? If she'd said something we could have sorted it out months ago'. BIL just said 'that's just SIL' and changed the subject.

They finished their night out and went back to BIL and SIL'a house. DP slept on sofa. He was woken by SIL screaming in his face at 2.30am because BIL was a bit merry (he's 43!) and how he'd deliberately taken him out to get drunk and he'd probably spiked his drink etc etc. DP was a bit stunned so didn't really say anything, she then went back upstairs and had a screaming row with BIL.

Next day he receives an email from BIL apologising for the night before and pulling out of being his best man because he had to 'put his family first'. He said he didn't feel he could do a positive speech about me and DP together so he'd rather not be involved. A day later, I get a vile text from DNiece pulling out of being my bridesmaid because of all the 'drama' I had made about her not being able to go to the hen do and she wasn't going to go to that so she wasn't going to be my bridesmaid. She put words into my mouth. Apparently I had said to her that she was 'clearly not up to the job' which I would never have said. I replied, explained that I had never said that, I just needed some communication with her at some point and it would have been polite of her to just send me a text saying she was too busy to organise it or explain why she couldn't come. I also said that SIL could come to the hen do if she wanted and that I would keep her bridesmaid slot open for her to change her mind at any point. No reply.

So, a week later I decide to email BIL myself because I know that DP really wants him to be at the wedding reception. I explained that DP really needed him there, we were only asking for 5 hours of his time. I understood it was me and SIL who were making it difficult and I was prepared to apologise and make things right if he could tell me what it was I was apologising for (!). I also reiterated what I had said to Dniece about her place still being open etc. No reply. I then sent SIL a massive box of chocolates with an apology. They were received yesterday and I got a completely raving text back about how I was splitting up the family, we were rushing all the arrangements for our wedding, there was no need for that we should have sat down with them and discussed time/date/place/bridesmaids with them and PIL (because apparently my parents don't really matter!). How dare I ask DNiece to help organise things, she's only 18 and just wanted to be DP's bridesmaid and wear a dress, I was completely unreasonable. How dare I send an email out with a list of people I wanted to invite to the hen do to her daughter, nobody does that it's really weird and I'm not right in the head. That I sent a really nasty text to her daughter and that was the last straw, I had alienated them all. She then finished up by saying they were a close family before I arrived and they now aren't because of my behaviour. She's washing her hands of the whole thing. And she thought I should know what I'm apologising for!

I was a bit stunned tbh. I replied saying that I had discussed with and asked DNiece if she was happy organising things, and she'd said yes. That all I was asking for was the occasional reply to a text and I didn't think that was too much to ask, but if she had told me that then I would have let her off the organising part. That they hadn't shown any interest in our engagement at all, they didn't even send us their congratulations or anything so I was confused as to why they felt we should run all our decisions about our wedding by them- did she do that for her wedding? And that I wasn't asking her to be my friend but I was just asking that she allowed BIL to be at his brothers wedding. She sent me back a 'crying with laughter' emoticon. That's it.

So, if you've got to the end of this, AIBU? Am I really the psychotic bridezilla that SIL is implying I am? MIL is siding with SIL and saying I have to be nice to her, she has always behaved that way and it's just her. But I feel bullied and upset. I have tried to apologise and she's just thrown it back in my face. But I don't want to be seen as the person who is splitting up my DP's family and MIL is implying that it's my fault with not going along with SIL's demands. DP is very much on my side btw, defends me to BIL, SIL and MIL. I just feel so sad that this may prevent a major part of his family being at his wedding.

[PoppyFleur]

OP what an awful situation but I think your MIL is far from blameless. I completely thought SIL was slightly unhinged until your update about how BIL/SIL got together.

MIL effectively pressured a pregnant 17 year old into marriage to validate a relationship which had started when her son was 21 years old and SIL was just 14. I think that's terrible.

So I would beware of the whole family if I were you, SIL is having affairs, BIL is burying his head in the sand and MIL is disguising her guilt at pushing 2 unsuited people together for the sake of propriety.

I feel dreadfully sorry for the 2 children caught up in this mess.

[WateryTart]

You've done all you can. Stop trying to suck up to her, it gives her the power. She's behaving like a spoilt brat. Be the grown up and stop indulging her.

[Ilovewheelychairs]

I totally agree with all of your regarding BIL and SIL's relationship. I feel desperately sorry for SIL who has been abused for her whole life by different people, and it makes me feel sick that none of the ADULTS who knew about their relationship did anything. BIL moved in to live with her and her Dad when she was 15 and her SCHOOL knew this! Why on earth nothing was done or said to protect SIL I don't know. I suspect this is a lot to do with why MIL and BIL do anything to appease her- they know if they split up and she goes through any sort of therapy that she will be encouraged to report it and he would be arrested. I have considered reporting it myself many times, but without SIL on side there will be nothing done except to wreck our relationship further.

In terms of DP and our boundaries, we have a very healthy relationship. He is 13 years younger than BIL and much more like his Dad- he stands up to his Mum frequently and calls her out on her emotional manipulation and bullshit. BIL is therefore the (very obvious) favourite, which normally I would think is awful, but I think has done my DP a favour. We discuss and agree every decision we make together. We are going to ttc after the wedding but we have already agreed that our children will have no unsupervised contact with MIL, and no contact at all with SIL. BIL and their cousins can have contact but only supervised by DP. I understand the way that SIL is behaving is due to her abusive upbringing and that the cycle then continues, but the cycle is not continuing with mine and DP's children.

I have reported SIL to safeguarding personally (and anonymously) out of concern for her children, but because the school has no concerns about them (although I would have major concern about the youngest if he was in my school) I can do no more.

I think this thread has become quite identifying so I'll leave this response up for a couple of hours then ask MNHQ to remove it. Thank you for all who've taken time to give advice and links on this thread, it has been greatly appreciated.

[Girlwhowearsglasses]

Hold on.

She was 14? Nowadays (even then) that would be rape and if you look at it from that angle that looks like a whole family coercing a young girl into marriage and baby.

What choice has she had in her life - given that she was below the age of consent when her relationship with BIL started.

I think I'd have issues of control...

Not excusing but sounds like a huge back story (None of which is your fault or responsibility to deal with OP)

[Girlwhowearsglasses]

Sorry cross posted - I think you have the measure of the situation in a nutshell OP.

Good luck

[PollytheDolly]

Good luck OP.

[pluck]

You sound as though you have your head screwed on, and your plans sound like the only way to respond to such a mess! Good luck!

[Rescuepuppydaft2]

interestingly my MIL was in a similarly messed up situation. FIL is eleven years older and they became 'friends' when she was 14. Fil has always been the one in control in their relationship, MIL was so desperate for control that she had complete control of DH (her golden child) so when he became an adult and started rebelling she couldn't cope at all. She certainly could not understand why he needed a girlfriend and asked him this, when he said he wanted someone to love who would love him, she said 'but I love you'. It was all messed up, MIL has a narcissistic abusive Mother and grew up a scapegoat and has repeated the dynamic within her own marriage and children. I think when their lives have been so out of control, they have grasped onto the first people who showed them love and then have felt trapped. Has your dh mentioned if he had had any problems with SIL meeting any of his ex girlfriends? In my experience MIL would not have been happy with any women who DH brought home. I wonder if its the same in your dynamic.? It helps to realise that its not you personally but would be the same for any woman that came into the family.

[newroundhere]

Is there any way your SIL could know that you reported her for safeguarding issues? That would be a more rational explanation as to why she is so hostile?

But either way, I hope you have a fantastic wedding - don't let SIL spoil it for you