5 year old who hurts family

[Pibplob]

Does anyone have a 5 ish year old with a spiteful temper? My daughter has started hitting out at us (her parents) and sibling. She gets really angry and overreacts to stuff and then gets violent. I fear it's getting worse. Today she has pinched me and left a huge bruise. I actually started crying it was so painful even though it's just a pinch. She is an angel at school and so I know she doesn't have a behaviour problem as she is choosing to be nasty at home. I feel I have to stamp this out now while she's little but anything I do she just screams and I have to think of the neighbours too. She is making things miserable and im not liking the school holidays much. Anyone else?

Uugh

I'm sure the child smackers won't mind when they get smacked one from an angry adult using violence to solve Problems because the smacks they got in childhood didn't do them any harm.

Husky

In my house myself and my partner are in charge. However, can't you see that by turning round and going no you are not allow to hit and then hit them on the bum is going to confuse any child.

I, personally don't agree with smacking. However if it works for you, within reason, then fine.

But to me its just hypocritical. Or you could just be teaching your child its ok to hit someone smaller than yourself, as long as it is with a stern no.

Yup, DD is an expert "masker", because she is very very compliant and obedient to authority figures outside of DH and me. Which means that when she comes home and has something going on that is making her upset, she explodes at us because she feels safe with us.

And hitting a child who has been adopted and has already been through intense trauma would indeed be abusive

1. Children don't learn smacking from being smacked. It is innate in them, and learn it by themselves anyway.They realise pretty early on that if they swing their arm and it lands on someone's face/head/body it will hurt that person and it can be satisfying in a way. So don't give me the bullcrap that kids who hit others are hit by someone. They just do it because they can and can get away with it. Loads of parents never even lay a finger on their kids yet their kids are hitters.
2. When you discipline children UppityHumpty they will hate you for that. They will hate your guts. For what? 10 minutes. Then they learn a lesson and love you again. Don't tell me you hate your mum for smacking your bum when you were being an unreasonable little critter.
3. Your example Toysaurus is idiotic. Grown ups hitting each other out of violence has nothing to do with smacking a kid's bum and telling them off in a firm voice.

Oh give over and get back to 1973

I have no problem at all with 'Don't you dare do that". That could work. Then you look at why she did it.

No smack necessary

Neon- did you miss the post where I said my DS has SN and behaves well in school? He has disabilities but copes in an environment when he knows exactly what to do. Without structure, it's a different story

Jiggly

They don't give a stuff about that. They're on their high horse about some imagined scenario with parents who don't discipline and try to negotiate all the time. They don't realise that you can do discipline without hitting. They don't realise that disabilities can be hidden. They are very rigid in that way....

They aren't much interested in what making children tick.

It is utterly ridiculous that none of you want to acknowledge that some children are simply undisciplined and spoiled rotten. No. You start suggesting that they all have some underlying psychological problem or some disability or ADHD or autism. Getouttahere!

Neon - my mum hit me, yet I was the one doing the cooking, housework, and raising her kids by the age of 10. If anything I should have been hitting her as I was more of a parent to her than she ever was to me.

Neon - my mum hit me, yet I was the one doing the cooking, housework, and raising her kids by the age of 10. If anything I should have been hitting her as I was more of a parent to her than she ever was to me.

My DS decided to bite down hard on my bum one day when I asked him to wait a minute while I was finishing the washing up. I instinctively hollered and swung my hand backward. I made contact enough to shock him into letting go. He got swiftly and firmly lifted onto the thinking step. I'm trying to imagine what reaction you had while she pinched you long and hard enough to bruise? I wouldn't advocate smacking her but I would have a fairly loud/abrupt and physical reaction. She's five not two.

I'd start reading social stories with her or watch videos that model what we can do when we feel angry/frustrated. She can hit the sofa with a plastic bat or punch cushions etc. Maybe make a calm down bottle (have a look on Pinterest). I'd watch fairly carefully for anything that is starting to trigger her/escalate and immediately redirect her to whatever you choose she can do to get out her anger. She needs to know you can keep her and you safe. If she's allowed to hurt you it will feel out of control for her. If it gets to the point of her attacking I would use the words "I won't let you hurt me. I need to keep both of us safe. You need to sit here for 5 minutes or whatever until you're calm enough to talk.

That is different Humpty! It sounds like your whole childhood was abusive.
OP is NOT an abusive parent. She loves her kids. She just doesn't do discipline.

I'd teach her better ways to express her feelings and deal with situations where she feels negative emotions overtaking her.

Perhaps discuss (after not at the time) and get her to name her emotions and discuss how it feels when she thinks she's being overlooked/ frustrated/ thwarted/ out of control / unfair etc...

Then talk about better ways to channel the anger eg hitting cushions, jumping up and down, etc.

Then
Continue with immediate consequences (not delayed ones as she's too young still), and keep reminding her to do X instead when you see the temper rising. And always forgive after alerts have been said and end with a hug, it's so easy to get into a cycle where you're constantly telling her off and she's constantly being horrid... some love and praise helps balance that out and calms it all down a bit.

Ahaparenting.com is a great resource for dealing with issues like hitting, anger etc Useful for understanding why gentle discipline works and smacking doesn't too

Neon - don't be silly. No one is saying that some children are just spoiled and have had no boundaries.

I am merely questioning whether this is one. In any event, hitting children teaches them nothing other than the person hitting them is a vindictive cunt.

... and further is an absolutely asinine way to chastise a child who is using physical aggression to get their point across.

I saw a great thing on anger with younger kids. They talked to the kids about how when we are angry, is comes out in our hands, feet and mouths, so when we are angry we want to hit, kick and shout.

When the child is calm, you come up with a tool box of safe and OK ways to let the anger out of our feet, hands and mouths. It works best when they come up with the ideas themselves.

Ideas could be - hitting a pillow/teddy, running up and down stairs, stomping my feet, ripping newspaper, banging the sofa with my hands, singing instead of shouting, finding acceptable words to shout (I am cross, cross cross! instead of I hate you) Then when you see them get angry, you acknowlegde their anger (this is important, the anger is real) and remind them to use their toolbox to let the anger out.

While it might be SEN /masking etc, lots of children melt down over parents after being good all day at school. It is especially common when they are younger.

nutbrownhair A-HA parenting is fantastic! I was just about to mention it myself.
OP my dd who's 4.5 was spiteful and nasty to me and her younger sister, in fact I actually disliked her for a good while because her behaviour was quite frankly bloody awful, I tried 123 magic, divas & dictators, playful parenting, school senco (she is very good at school) and also I did snack her bum when she threw a vtec hard toy at my head!
Only thing that did work was A-ha parenting website, it made me realise that it was the way I was parenting her that was the problem

It does sound a bit hippy laid back in its approach, but it bloody works.

autistic kids mask at school. they are not choosing to be naughty at home, they have reached the capacity of their sensory overload... and have a meltdown. being five, and operating at something like two thirds of chronological age emotionally, they tend to have the response of a toddler. they also lack impulse control.

autistic children have to work harder to follow the social rules.
they often have sensory issues which they have had to deal with all day. (noise, lights, smells, etc) this is exhausting for them.

if she is worse when hungry, feed her. on the playground before you leave school if necessary.

if she is getting distressed, try putting her somewhere quiet on her own or alternatively holding her firmly. ( facing away from you to one side so she does not headbutt your face. )

think how you will feel about what you have written about her being spiteful if it does turn out she has a disability. though disabled children can also be naughty. this looks like sensory overload/exhaustion though.

Neon

You are ridiculous. Anyone who calls children brat's (sic) is to be discounted, IMO. You didn't come on here to help the OP. You came on to explore some stereotype of a middle class indulgent mummy that you wanted to knock down.

Go and take your goading elsewhere. And your infantile high-fiving.

Quite, Not! Have a think about it logically, smacking brigade. What exactly do you think smacking a child teaches them? It's as lazy and as useless as doing nothing. Children need firm boundaries, they don't need violence.

Anyway OP, I agree that this child needs to be kindly prevented from this behaviour by you. 'I won't let you hit', 'I need to keep us safe' etc as advised up thread. Block it. Separate if necessary but stay close. She's 5. You can do it. Drop the illogical consequences, empathise regarding her anger, stop her impulsive behaviour.

Giving her tools and other outlets for dealing with her emotions is also a good idea.

There are lots of good resources these days, some people have suggested A Ha parenting, or there's Janet Lansbury, someone along these lines. Whether or not she has SEN, this type of approach works.

My daughter used to be a bit like this...Not violent but acting out and angelic at school. Turns out it was school. She seemed fine bar not wanting to go in initially, but was using all her emotional resilience to get through the day and had nothing left when she came home.

We withdrew her and she is a different child. She's been out over a year now.