"Well of course I was going to tell BF"

[WarwickDavisAsPlates]

I originally wrote quite a long post detailing the entire situation and how this came up but it got too long.

So basically what I want to know is: if a friend told you something and said "but please don't tell anyone" would you think that included your OH?

maid or the people who want to divulge their secrets, who lets face it don't have to, check what side of the fence their friend falls.

It works both ways.

So many sad old gossips trying to dress it up as something else.

In the Don't Tell camp:
His family became mine and mine his.
He is neither my other half nor my soul mate. I am my own whole and I don't believe in "soul mates".

I also give zero fucks if he is invited to a wedding without me

So many sad old gossips trying to dress it up as something else.

I do love a gossip. Not old though.

If secrets are that important, you really should check that the people you are confiding in are on the same page. Not just assume they think as you do.

'Marital problems? You're sad about infertility. Are you sure you can tell me these secrets without MI6 clearance? hmm Honestly, even really serious things like being the victim of prior abuse are actually extremely societally common. I wouldn't feel particularly concerned telling a partner about that.'

Fucking hell.

or the people who want to divulge their secrets, who lets face it don't have to, check what side of the fence their friend falls
I think, given the nature of some secrets that we could all imagine here (DV, child abuse, rape, termination), that the person who needs someone to confide in could automatically be considered the more vulnerable party, requiring protection and privacy.

If secrets are that important, you really should check that the people you are confiding in are on the same page. Not just assume they think as you do
To reiterate above, what if you are the only person they feel able to confide in?

How would you feel if you were the only person a friend felt able to confide in about domestic violence and your declaration (or admission under questioning) that you would tell your partner meant she was left with nobody?

Maidofstars Damn that definitely should have been one of my questions "do you insist on having joint invites or would you go to an important function without them?"

I'm (obviously) in the Don't Tell camp.

I don't see DHs family as my family.

I don't believe in soul mates and definitely don't see him as my "other half"

I would go to a wedding without him, as he would me.

How would you feel if you were the only person a friend felt able to confide in about domestic violence and your declaration (or admission under questioning) that you would tell your partner meant she was left with nobody?

Surely most people who tell their partners ask permission though? I do.

Onlyaplasticbagdear

But what if you asked permission to tell your OH a friends secret and she said no?

Would you still tell?

I would assume not meant to tell DH and would not tell him. DH would think he could safely share with BIL who doesn't know the meaning of confidential.

Surely most people who tell their partners ask permission though? I do
I hear you, and I think if you are in principle a "teller", that's the right thing to do.

But it seems that many on this thread don't, because they incorrectly believe that the confiding friend will assume that they will tell anyway.

My DH was my closest friend for three years before we got together. We know each other's friends very well and gossip about them (not proud of that).
But if you tell me something and ask me not to tell anyone else then I wouldn't ever tell him (unless our families were at risk from god knows what).
Someone's else's worry (and let's face it a secret = a hurt or fear) which has zero baring on my DH's life doesn't need to be passed on to him and to be honest I think he'd think I wasn't a great friend for telling him.

TBH, if I wanted to confide in someone (which, as I said earlier, I tend not to because, well, this thread) and they asked "Can I tell my partner?", that would button my mouth indefinitely.

I got told a huge secret by a friend last year. She told me not to tell anyone. I told my Dh because I tell him everything that could possibly have an affect on me, because the friend was using my phone, I told to cover my own arse.
Other than that I'm good at little secrets and tend to forget what I've been told anyway.

Hmmm. I would happily go to a wedding or on holiday (up to about two weeks I guess?) without my DP. And the otherway around

I just tell him stuff. It sounds lame, but I've tried the handling of people large secrets by myself and it doesn't workout so well for me. I just get stressed when I'm told i can't talk about something to anyone. But to reiterate I'm upfront about it.

warwick

No, I wouldn't.

I think he'd think I wasn't a great friend for telling him
A very good point. If my husband shared a friend's secret (one that was completely inconsequential to me), I'd lose a little respect for him. as well as wondering why the fuck he thinks I'd care

Maid in all honesty I would need the support of my dh in order to support them. I would find it difficult to know how to help them or what to say. I need to be able to talk things over to make sense of them.

Maid in all honesty I would need the support of my dh in order to support them. I would find it difficult to know how to help them or what to say
To be fair, I am sympathetic to this. I haven't ever had to deal with a particularly terrible secret confided to me, but I guess I can conceive of some that I may feel completely knocked out by and want some help with. I'm still not sure I would tell - I don't know.

Example:
If a friend told me she'd had a termination ten years ago, and she was comfortable with that decision, I wouldn't tell anyone.
If a friend came to me in pieces because she'd had a termination last week and was emotionally broken, regretful, facing family conflict over it, etc, then I don't know how I'd react. I really hope I could protect her privacy.

(I'm not saying a termination is a terrible secret, BTW)

I really hope I could protect her privacy
I think I would. But obviously, if I were emotionally affected by her distress, and needing to spend time with her etc, I'd have to admit to my husband that there was something going on but that I couldn't tell him what. I know he'd respect that.

I find it extraordinary that people can be uncomfortable not telling their dp's something that's nothing to do wit them but perfectly comfortable with breaking a friend's confidence......

Of course I wouldn't tell my OH.

I pride myself on being good at keeping secrets and would certainly never divulge anything I was told in confidence to him.

In fact, I know that my good friend slept with his best friend (when said best friend was "on a break") and haven't told him that even though I bet he would love to know.