"Well of course I was going to tell BF"

[WarwickDavisAsPlates]

I originally wrote quite a long post detailing the entire situation and how this came up but it got too long.

So basically what I want to know is: if a friend told you something and said "but please don't tell anyone" would you think that included your OH?

I would tell him because I like to talk to him and share my life with him

He has to know every minute detail of your day?

If I was asked to not share a secret with anyone, I would honour that. A partner is not the other half of you, they are a separate person. If someone is unable to keep a confidence strictly to themselves, they should have the decency to tell their friend that so she can confide in someone else.

As far as I'm concerned if you feel the need to tell your other half someone's private conversation, when they've specifically told you not to tell anyone, then you should declare it to the "friend". Just straight up say "just so you know, anything you tell me I'm going to tell my dh/oh even if you say not to tell anyone."
Then let them decide if they still feel comfortable telling you.

I'd like to know if the people who tell thier oh's everything, are you then happy for your friends to tell thier ohs your secrets and conversations? I can't get my head around it. I just can't believe that if someone told you something and trusted you to keep that to yourself you would happily break that trust but still call yourself that persons friend?? That baffles me.

Definite no, wouldn't share.

Lelly it baffles me that anyone would think an OH hadn't been told. This has always been the case with everyone I know. If it's a super serious thing someone might ask if it was OK to tell their OH also but only because the assumption would be that they would be told also.

Somebody might also say 'don't tell anyone, that includes OH'

This is really very simple. For some people A is normal. For some people B is normal. The issue isn't that either is wrong, it's that everyone assuming their normal is everyone's normal.

god ive told loads of people things that are very personal and its ended up everywhere lol
You take this risk when you tell someone something. You need to weigh up that risk before you do it. Like i said before there are some people youd know would tell their husbands and sometimes thats fine because they are in a stable relationship and the husband isnt a mad gossip. Sometimes its not going to be fine. Just think about each case individually. You cant assume anyone is going to keep your secrets because other people dont have the same standards.

For example i once told something to someone that my friend had told me and my friend was furious about it. But the thing is he never told me it was supposed to be a secret hed just assumed i would think it was personal info. But to me it wasnt it seemed like something completely trivial. Genuinely it did.

Just be clear with people. If you want to speak to someone about something in complete confidence make sure they are the type of person who wont tell anyone and then make it very clear that they shouldnt tell anyone EVEN THEIR PARTNER. And if they say that they would tell their partner and you dont want that, then dont tell them.

Personally i think you are responsible for your own secrets and no one else.

SoapBox - I just think if someone says, please don't tell anyone then you don't tell anyone. It's that simple to me.

If somebody says please don't tell anyone, then telling somebody -anybody- is wrong. It's that simple. Ethically wrong.

lelly I understand what your are saying. It's just I (and everyone I know) assume that 'anyone' doesn't include a long term partner/husband.

If it needed to, I would be specific.

Then you- and everyone you know-have rather dodgy ethics.

I tell my OH everything tbh unless someone specifically says not to tell him.

I'd like to know if the people who tell thier oh's everything, are you then happy for your friends to tell thier ohs your secrets and conversations?

Yes, because they do

Only- I don't see the reason for the face. To me a secret is told in trust to one person, not thier other half as well.

I always make it clear that I can't keep secrets from my DP. It's their choice if they tell me or not afterwards, but I feel it's better to be upfront.

Often he doesn't care but I just feel uncomfortable activity withholding information from him. Firstly sure he's the same as I know all about his friends.

I don't think in a relationship you should keep things from one another TBH.

*Actively

Damn autocorrect not reading my mind

Betrand Why? If everyone I know is workng on the same principles, why is it an ethical problem?

I have relationships with my friends as well as my partner. It's about respect to each other. If one wants to tell me something that they don't want anyone else to know, then i won't tell. I'm not keeping secrets from my partner, I'm keeping a friend's confidence. My partner doesn't need to know everything in my friends lives. If it concerned me or my health that's different. But just because you're married/in a long term partnership, doesn't mean you have to share everything.

Only- yiu say you tell your oh everything unless someone specifically tells you not to, so do you say to your friends, 'by the way everyone anything you tell me today will be relayed to my oh, unless you tell me not too' Bcos it sounds like your not giving them a choice as your oh knows thier secrets or not?

Those who tell their OHs everything, can you tell me a little more about the way you see marriage?

When you got married did you feel like his family became your family?

Do you literally see them as your "other half"/ "soul mate" or whatever?

I'd actually be interested to see this from both sides? Could it all be linked into how people see marriage/ coupling up?

The issue isn't that either is wrong, it's that everyone assuming their normal is everyone's normal
Agreed. But the people at the disadvantage in this situation are those who (apparently incorrectly) assume that a secret told to a friend will stay with that friend. Therefore, it is up to the friends who tell their partners everything to declare that openly before becoming a confidante. Those who assume a secret will be passed on to a partner need no such prewarning.

I just feel uncomfortable activity withholding information from him
What? Information is information, it has a purpose for those receiving it. Your friend's secret is not "information" - this is a major category error.

I do not tell my husband what I had for lunch. I do not tell my husband what a friend told me over said lunch. Neither of those is informative.

Why? If everyone I know is working on the same principles, why is it an ethical problem?
Because if you and I met, I wouldn't have a clue what principles you worked to. And as I'm in the camp who doesn't share other people's private information with my husband, why should I have any reason to think you were different? So I may tell you something, and have no idea you were going to blab it to you partner.

lelly

yes, if they said 'don't tell anyone' I would say 'ok cool, are you including DH in that?'. Easy.

When you got married did you feel like his family became your family?

yes

Do you literally see them as your "other half"/ "soul mate" or whatever?

not soul mate but yes as my other half as corny as that sounds.

I don't think in a relationship you should keep things from one another TBH
I simply cannot get my head around the premise that electing not to share a friend's secret is "keeping something from your partner". If you "keep something from them", it's implied that they somehow have a right to know that thing. My husband does not have any right to know any secret told by a friend.

maid I don't really see your issue TBH, I've stated a couple of times I do check with friends before I say anything. If they really don't want him to know they say.