"Well of course I was going to tell BF"

[WarwickDavisAsPlates]

I originally wrote quite a long post detailing the entire situation and how this came up but it got too long.

So basically what I want to know is: if a friend told you something and said "but please don't tell anyone" would you think that included your OH?

Yes, it would include my OH (though I haven't got one at the moment).
If I promise to keep a secret, then I keep that promise. I really dislike people who break promises,to me it's shitty behaviour.
I honestly wouldn't want to know some of you in real life. Fair enough, those who say upfront 'I will have to tell my OH', then I would know not to tell you anything of a personal nature.

I tell DH everything and vice versa.

We are both good at not letting on!

We are both good at not letting on!
I know I'm banging on here but what the hell....

That's not the point. The point is that the friend who confided in you has trusted you with something private and by revealing this to your husband, you are not respecting her privacy or her autonomy.

I don't tell DH everything my friends tell me - why would I?

I might say something broad, like "Ellie is having a few medical issues at the moment", or "I think Ellie and Rob are going through a rocky patch", but not "Ellie's going into hospital next week for exploratory surgery, which might result in her needing a total hysterectomy, but maybe they will be able to get away with uterine ablation", or "Ellie has told me she's thinking of leaving Rob because he's so selfish, completely unable to do anything helpful around the house, his mother is a PITA and I don't fancy him after he put on so much weight"

It depends on whether it effects him, partners don't need to know everything, if I had a coffee with a friend I don't tell him everything that has been discussed. If a couple were having issues and he was going out with the men I might give him a heads up as it effects things. It's not keeping secrets as much as no need to tell someone everything

If someone said don't tell anyone I'd probably say "does that include DH" since I do otherwise tend to tell him things.

If they said even DH then obviously I'd stick to it.

Quartz but in that situation wouldn't you think it was up to the other person to tell him if they wanted him to know?

I really think maidofstars hit the nail on the head with: . The point is that the friend who confided in you has trusted you with something private and by revealing this to your husband, you are not respecting her privacy or her autonomy.

Maid, to be fair I think all my friends know I would always tell DH.

I wouldn't be impressed with a friend who expected me to keep secrets from DH. I can't imagine telling someone something and demanding they keep it from their DH.

By 'not letting on' I mean not letting on to Rob, in this scenario. Ellie would know I would tell my DH. DH would be very good at not letting it interfere in his interaction with Rob.

I can't imagine telling someone something and demanding they keep it from their DH.

You really can't imagine that if someone is perhaps worried they've caught an STD that they may not wanting you telling your darling Gavin about it?

I can't imagine telling someone something and demanding they keep it from their DH
I can't imagine having a friend that would do that or need to do that. It's really eyeopening how completely different people are

I can't imagine having a friend that would do that or need to do that. It's really eyeopening how completely different people are

You can't imagine having a friend who has a problem they want to confide in only you about? Really?

I don't discuss my friends lives with my partner at all, but we don't have many friends in common so it would be a boring conversation topic anyway.

My friends wouldn't have to specify "Don't tell anyone else", let alone "Don't tell anyone else, even [husband's name]". I just don't repeat conversations that are anything other completely harmless and superficial.

You can't imagine having a friend who has a problem they want to confide in only you about? Really?
No. I've been very clear about my position here. I am very firmly in the Don't Tell camp.

For clarity: I can't imagine having a friend who would feel the need to tell me not to tell my husband. Because in my friendship group, at least those close enough to be confiding problems with, it's not something that we do, tell our partners. I could possibly get a bit offended if a friend felt s/he needed to clear that with me

I think Maid was right you take away someone's autonomy if you break a confidence they have asked you to keep.
No matter how you try and dress it up or what mental gymnastics you perform to justify it to yourself, it's gossiping and a betrayal.

idly wondering whether I can be arsed to tally up the responses for Tell, Don't Tell or Tell Unless Instructed Not To Do So

I cannot.

Bunty Because of the embarrassment of it being a gynae issue? Or because most of my friends are married?

Me and my friends talk about sex. We also all talk to our husbands about the talks about sex. Well except for one who doesn't get a lot of sex from her husband and I imagine it rarely comes up! No one mentions it.

As I said if someone did say I have to tell you something big and you can't tell anyone... I would definitely respond but I'll tell DH. Just to check you're ok with that.

I suppose if they said I have to offload to someone, you're the only one I feel I can, if you tell anyone including DH it will make me suicidal, then I might promise not to tell him. But I'm be none to impressed at the teenage-style insistence on secret keeping. My reaction would probably be along the lines of be an adult and reduce your drama.

I'd never tell my dh other people's secrets, they aren't mine to tell. If its nothing to do with him then betraying confidence is shit.

Because of the embarrassment of it being a gynae issue? Or because most of my friends are married?

Because it's a sensitive subject to the person doing the confiding.

Duh.

I don't keep secrets from my DP.

But I don't tell him other people's secrets either. They aren't' mine to tell.

If I tell a third party a secret that belongs to the first person, that makes me an untrustworthy gossip and a bad friend. My mum's idea of keeping a secret is telling everyone then telling them to keep it a secret. Drives me fucking bonkers and is the reason why I tell her fuck all now until I'm ready for everyone to hear my news.

No, I don't tell DH. He has a tendency to forget what is a secret and what isn't as he really doesn't do gossip. We live in a town where there are the most unexpected connections between people so it's really not a good idea to mention confidential information to anyone as their 'best friend who they just have to tell', or their spouse may very well be the friend, neighbor, or relative of the person with the secret.

Jaysis couldn't agree more. There is a huge difference between "I don't keep secrets from DH" and betraying your friends confidences.

If it's not your secret it's not your place to tell IMO.

I may tally up all the "don't tellers" and force you all to be my friends. That way I know where I stand and won't have any nasty surprises about who knows my personal business when I think I've only told one person.

I think a lot of this "i cant imagine not being able to tell my partner everything, however personal, that's going on in my friends life even when she specifically asked me to keep it to myself" stuff is just hiding good old fashioned gossiping.
Nobody needs to tell their partner other peoples secrets - you chose to because you want to chat about it.
The only time I think its permissable is if the secret is to do with suicidal thoughts or where they might harm others and then you really do need some back up.
Otherwise talk about Line of Duty/the Smelly person on the commute/the car needing an MOT like the rest of us .

What I can't get my head around and il try to explain this as best I can- those who say that they wouldn't be impressed with someone who asked them not to tell thier OH. Do you not think that makes you not such a great friend that your friends can't confide anything in you in case they offend you by saying 'pls don't tell your oh'

Warwick if it's any consolation my friends know where I stand. And they knew in advance of telling me things.

I have remembered a time when I offered to not tell DH. My friend hadn't told anyone else about her pregnancy or miscarriage. I said look if you don't want me to tell DH I won't. I know you haven't told anyone else.

That offer was a big thing for me and thankfully she said oh no, of course you can tell your DH. I would feel wrong not telling him something. It would make me feel very sad.