"Well of course I was going to tell BF"

[WarwickDavisAsPlates]

I originally wrote quite a long post detailing the entire situation and how this came up but it got too long.

So basically what I want to know is: if a friend told you something and said "but please don't tell anyone" would you think that included your OH?

Exactly Bertrand, people keep using 'secrets' as if they are teenagers finding out that Jane has got a crush on Jon.

My example was a private conversation between two adults.

And her husband is also my friend and my husband's friend. The idea that they could be out having a pint and her DH casually saying 'so how's Punt's pissing herself problem going?' coming up in conversation (or him even knowing I had the issue) still makes me want to curl up and hide, nearly a decade later, even though I am ok now.

"Bob's dick is a little sore after he had a dogging session last night and he's worried about it, I have to tell you this although he asked me to not tell anyone because our marriage might wither and die with keeping this important fact secret."

Said no man ever. Meanwhile in the real world...

"Right-oh Bob, mum's the word"

"Why didn't you tell me Bob had a sore dick?"

"He asked me not to tell anyone"

"OK then"

*It is gossip. Trying to argue that it's an Intolerable Burden Of Silence is just a way to justify it.

And once again, the ability to be a good friend is something I value in my partner. If he started relaying other people's private stuff to me I wouldn't feel that he was preserving the sanctity of our relationship or something weird like that, I'd just think he was being a bit indiscreet.*

Just felt the need to repeat that MI.

DO you think men take this pious "I cannot refrain for telling my wife absolutely everything I am told" position?

I tell DH everything, I would assume friends would also therefore if I didn't want them to I'd specifically say 'not even DH' etc

I'd specifically say 'not even DH'

but that is still keeping a secret surely the marriage is doomed?

"Bob's dick is a little sore after he had a dogging session last night and he's worried about it, I have to tell you this although he asked me to not tell anyone because our marriage might wither and die with keeping this important fact secret."

meanwhile, in real life...

hahaha Bob has done something stupid and his dick hurts, but of course I haven't told you

I tell DH everything

'Jane in the office is going to Greece with her boyfriend in July, she's hoping he'll propose while they're there. And Barbara's daughter's had her baby, a little girl called Flora, she showed us some photos, she's hoping to go over and see them this weekend. I couldn't decide whether to have tuna or chicken at lunchtime, in the end I had tuna. There's a rumour that Joe in Accounts is facing a disciplinary. HR sent a memo asking us not to discuss it, but Sarah said she heard there's some money missing....'

And so on until the moment you sit down to dinner with him in the evening?

I tell dh everything

"Well, no I don't-that would be silly. I only tell him things I have specifically been asked not to. Because otherwise my marriage would collapse like a house of cards."

So how was your lunch with xyz?

Well, I am not allowed to tell you, sorry. You know, because we are 12.

ok...

So how was your lunch with xyz? Well, I am not allowed to tell you, sorry. You know, because we are 12

Or y'know, you could say 'oh yeah it was fine. We had a good time catching up'. Like a normal person would.

How would you cope if you had a job that demanded confidentiality?

'How was work?'

'Oh yeah, wow, one of my patients disclosed that she had been abused as a child. Actually, I think you know her husband, because I think he works at the same place as you'.

"How was your lunch with xyz"

"Lovely. We went to that new place in the High Street. They're going to Malta this summer after GCSEs-oh and they'd like us to go to dinner on the 21st-can you make it?"

Or y'know, you could say 'oh yeah it was fine. We had a good time catching up'. Like a normal person would.

You might, I don't blatantly lie to my husband. People rarely give you "confidential" happy news.

How would you cope if you had a job that demanded confidentiality?

you will be delighted to know both DH and I do have such a job

Photograph but couldn't you just not tell him the confidential bit?

If you must relay gossip to him just tell him the other stuff?

you will be delighted to know both DH and I do have such a job

So how do you both cope with not blabbing then? Because surely that would be just as much 'lying' as withholding vital information about your friend's gynecological issues? I really can't see how you can separate the two.

Oh and you can say you had a good time even if some of the conversation did turn to worry over urinary incontinence or that friend is attending marriage counselling.

"You might, I don't blatantly lie to my husband. People rarely give you "confidential" happy news."
Actually, they do. Pregnancies, promotions, win on the lottery.

Or you could just say "hmm-bit fraught but she'll be fine. Food was great-we must go there!"

This thread has moved on a lot since I last checked it but I don't think anyone has answered my question on what constitutes a "secret" you're keeping from your DH?

Why is Bobs dogging adventures counted as a secret and not just something DH doesn't need to know?

Nobody has yet explained to me how you decide what you tell and what you don't. At what level does not repeating the conversation become "lying to your husband"?

you call it gossip, I don't. I talk with my husband, and when we are not in the same country, we still talk a lot.

If a friend tells me stuff I don't care about, I am not likely to repeat any of it. If someone tells me something important enough for me to care, yeah, I will probably discuss with my DH. If it's something funny, we share it too.

You are never going to convince me that speaking with my husband is gossip or a breach of confidentiality. It would be unbearable if we couldn't talk to each other and had to think twice before saying anything. Sometimes it's hard to know confidential things from his side, and not being able to speak with anyone about them, when he's away and some things are worrying. I am not putting him in the same category.
Again, it would never had occur to me that a friend would have felt obliged to keep something from her husband/ wife if they didn't want to.

f some of the conversation did turn to worry over urinary incontinence or that friend

why would anyone want to discuss that in the first place! With friend or partner?! I refuse to lie to my DH, but it doesn't mean I have to bore him with any random piece of non-information I hear.

You take the saying "I tell my DH everything" a little bit too litterally it seems.

People rarely give you "confidential" happy news.

Friend is pregnant but they haven't told anyone yet.
Friend or husband has been shortlisted for dream job but don't want to tell people unless they get it.
Friend or husband has been offered transfer to great location, more money, better lifestyle, but would mean moving some distance away. She wants to talk it over with neutral third party before telling parents and children.
Friend's child has won prestigious scholarship/award, friend is dying to tell someone, but they haven't been able to tell grandparents yet.

All (potentially) happy news which friend has good reasons to want to keep confidential.

You are never going to convince me that speaking with my husband is gossip or a breach of confidentiality

So you do breach confidentiality then?? Great.

When I was a solicitor, I had a client who was also a solicitor and was getting divorced from her husband. He made several malicious reports to the SRA about her, including that she had breached confidentiality. 50% of marriages fail. Please be careful about breaching professional ethics because it can come back and bite you.

Photograph I'd tell my friend something like that because it'd be a medical problem that caused me worry and I'd want to be able to share that with someone. Like you want to share things with your DH.

If my friend told me that I'd probably worth about her and be glad she could trust me enough to tell me.

pregnancy, promotions, scholarship are hardly "secrets" or confidential information though, are they. They will become public information soon enough.
I would have absolutely no issue with telling my DH about any of those , it doesn't mean I would do so via his social media. We would never share somebody else's news for them, that's rude, but we are talking about my DH

why would anyone want to discuss that in the first place! With friend or partner?! I refuse to lie to my DH, but it doesn't mean I have to bore him with any random piece of non-information I hear

I am sure that the many many women who suffer from it as a result of childbirth would love that you think it's such a shameful subject that nobody should discuss it with either friends or partners. Maybe because it is distressing and might cause worry and the person suffering from it wants to confide in someone.

Why does anyone want to talk about their husband's impotence? Marriage problems? Suspected cancer? STD? People talk to their friends about a wide variety of things and they might be going through hell and need a shoulder to cry on. You have said that you would then tell your DH about it (but confusingly not in every scenario).

I don't see how you don't get that not telling is not the same as lying.