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AIBU?

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Original poster

"Well of course I was going to tell BF"

721 replies

WarwickDavisAsPlates · 06/04/2017 09:08

I originally wrote quite a long post detailing the entire situation and how this came up but it got too long.

So basically what I want to know is: if a friend told you something and said "but please don't tell anyone" would you think that included your OH?

OP posts:
MaidOfStars · 08/04/2017 16:14

BadLad Grin

IfYou Almost as if it's taken by someone who just happens to be passing a nice house....

BadLad · 08/04/2017 16:19

It's a lovely house Crumbs but why has the photo been taken from the bushes?

She was peeing while she took the photo.

yesnowplease · 08/04/2017 16:40

Yes I would always tell DH.

MyHairIsMyHair · 08/04/2017 18:24

Wow. I tell DH everything. Thought that the possibility was a given. Have learnt from this thread that I am in the minority .

DH doesn't impart information to anyone so a secret would never go anywhere.

BertrandRussell · 08/04/2017 18:39

"Wow. I tell DH everything"

Define "everything". Night out. 3 friends. 3 hours chatting.

What would you tell your dp?

AcrossthePond55 · 08/04/2017 19:32

Hell, I don't even tell DH what you lot say on MN freds. Soul of discretion, that's me!

It's not whether or not a spouse would 'pass it on' to others. It's that the person who confided in you did so because they need to talk about it and trusted you to keep quiet. They may not want even your spouse knowing.

Sallystyle · 08/04/2017 19:49

Crumbs also rents out her bedroom. Hotel Vernet.

www.hotelsclick.com/hotels/france/paris/23574/hotel-vernet.html

noeffingidea · 08/04/2017 21:00

acrossthepond exactly. It actually makes me feel a bit sick to think I may have shared personal information about myself with a friend and then they go and tell their partner - a person who I may not even know or particularly like. It really makes for very superficial friendships .

ataraxia · 09/04/2017 07:56

Not sure why so many people seem happy to betray their friends' trust because their partner 'doesn't care/won't tell anyone anyway.' If they don't care, why even tell them?! If they won't tell anyone anyway - well, you weren't supposed to tell anyone anyway and yet you did.
What if they also have someone who they tell these things, too?

In any case, whether or not it will go any further is not the only point. Someone says don't tell anyone because they don't want anyone else to know! So, by definition it doesn't mean don't tell anyone except the people you want to know. You've chosen to share your life with your partner, your friend didn't.

If you don't feel comfortable 'keeping secrets' from your partner maybe you've misunderstood the word secret it would have been fairer to warn the friend before they revealed the thing. OP - if you haven't already told your BF, there's still time to come clean to your friend - that's for trusting in me but I don't feel comfortable keeping secrets from him. Can I tell him? If she says now or you wouldn't want friend to know you're considering telling secrets, then there's your answer.

Sorry, this has just made me really sad that it seems so common for people to place their trust other people and then be overruled, and sometimes they're even getting blamed for it because they didn't emphasise they meant anyone "including DP." "Anyone" is self-explanatory, surely?!

smurfit · 09/04/2017 08:01

I may or may not tell, depends on the information and whether it comes up... I generally err on the not bringing it up side and if I did need to discuss it, it wouldn't be in a 'running to tell gossip' manner.

The concept that someone would try to interfere in my relationship by asking me to deliberately keep secrets doesn't sit well.

BertrandRussell · 09/04/2017 08:22

"The concept that someone would try to interfere in my relationship by asking me to deliberately keep secrets doesn't sit well."

Now this is really bizarre.........

FlyAwayPeter · 09/04/2017 11:56

as a single person, I always assume if I tell my [female] friend, she will tell her husband/partner. So I am careful about what I say to married/partnered people.

This thread is also multi-hilarious!

Photograph · 09/04/2017 12:20

I have asked around, colleagues, friends and family if they would understand "don't tell anyone" as "do not tell your husband/wife", and everybody replied of course not. Would they assume that their friend would keep it secret from their partner, and the answer was no. I am glad it's just me.
A few bright sparks wanted to know what secret could possibly be revealed to their wives/ husbands but not them, and I couldn't think of anything Grin

You don't have to go into full details, it's not about gossiping, but it sounds so incredibly childish to have to remember not to ever mention that Tom or Tim have health problems, work problems, marital problems. In the worst example, If your husband knew that Tom or Tim had been victim of abuse, didn't mention it to you and you end up being inappropriate because you didn't know at all(talking about a movie, or a recent story for example), surely your partner would be to blamed! S/he should tell you these things.

I like my privacy, but I am not that smug or arrogant to imagine my "secrets" have to be kept hidden from my best friend's husband. Weird.

noeffingidea · 09/04/2017 12:32

photograph smug arrogant and weird? Simply not to want to have your personal business shared with a third party?
Okay then ...
I honestly wouldn't consider someone like you a friend. Just an aquaintance really.

motherinferior · 09/04/2017 12:36

Where on earth do you get the time to gossip 'discuss' other people in such detail with your partner?

If I went upstairs now and started telling Mr Inferior all my mates' private stuff he would look as if I had gone quite, quite mad and ask me politely to leave him in peace to get in with whatever he's doing (which is possibly nothing).

LiveLifeWithPassion · 09/04/2017 13:00

I still don't get why sharing your friend's intimate secrets is so important to the security of your marriage/partnership.
Just admit you like to gossip.

C8H10N4O2 · 09/04/2017 13:24

I am not that smug or arrogant to imagine my "secrets" have to be kept hidden from my best friend's husband

Well lucky old you, not everyone feels the same. Its hardly arrogant or smug to want medical, relationship or any other personal issues private and not gossiped onward to partners.

I'm still waiting for someone who routinely gossips about friends' confidences to their partner to explain why that is all fine but professional confidences must be respected.

noeffingidea · 09/04/2017 13:39

a few bright sparks wanted to know what secret could possibly be revealed to their husband /wife but not to them - abortion, history of child sexual abuse, STD, being raped, etc etc. If you don't understand why then you must be incredibly insensitive.

motherinferior · 09/04/2017 13:47

Or just private stuff. It's not unreasonable just to keep your mouth shut.

People who faithfully relay other people's conversations to their partners really need to find another hobby.

PuntCuffin · 09/04/2017 13:48

Here's a partially accurate example of something I would discuss with a friend but wouldn't want her to go home and discuss with her husband:

I had continence issues after having my first child. It caused significant impact for me, particularly with sex and intimacy. I talked it through with a friend as I was finding it very hard to deal with. I would be mortified to think that she would have gone home and told her husband about it. He doesn't/didn't need to know about it, it has no impact on him and could actually embarrass him to know that his wife's friend wets herself during sex. I don't consider it a 'secret' in the rather infantile way which the Tellers here use the word. It did however cost me quite a lot of emotional energy to be able to open up to her about it.

motherinferior · 09/04/2017 13:49

It is gossip. Trying to argue that it's an Intolerable Burden Of Silence is just a way to justify it.

And once again, the ability to be a good friend is something I value in my partner. If he started relaying other people's private stuff to me I wouldn't feel that he was preserving the sanctity of our relationship or something weird like that, I'd just think he was being a bit indiscreet.

BertrandRussell · 09/04/2017 13:51

I would also like to know how not telling your husband about your friend's incontinence is going to ds get your relationship.

And can we stop saying "secrets" like 8 year olds. We are talking about another adult's privacy.

BertrandRussell · 09/04/2017 13:58

Damage. Not dis get.

DorotheaBeale · 09/04/2017 14:01

The concept that someone would try to interfere in my relationship by asking me to deliberately keep secrets doesn't sit well.

How would not telling your husband/partner that your friend Jane has personal problems impact on your relationship? Does he expect you to tell him everything you discuss with your friends? Most people here would say that was controlling, and a red flag. And if he doesn't care/isn't interested, as most people here say their OHs aren't, why does it matter if you don't tell him?

Do you expect him to tell you everything he discusses with his friends, even personal issues they'd prefer to keep private? How would you react if you found out he hadn't told you Bob had health problems orJack was worried about redundancy?

Kewcumber · 09/04/2017 14:03

as a single person, I always assume if I tell my [female] friend, she will tell her husband/partner. So I am careful about what I say to married/partnered people

Sadly I have learnt this the hard way.

And when their partner becomes their ex-partner and then it's OK for their ex-partner to tell their new partner etc etc etc.

And please don;t tell me that you marriage/partnership is rock solid, my parents got divorced after 35 years.

"Don;t tell anyone" = don;t tell anyone. Partners don't have favoured nation status so don;t count as "anyone". If you are unable to keep a basic courtesy that doesn't affect your marriage one jot then please at least have the decency to tell the person there and then.

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