Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"Well of course I was going to tell BF"

721 replies

WarwickDavisAsPlates · 06/04/2017 09:08

I originally wrote quite a long post detailing the entire situation and how this came up but it got too long.

So basically what I want to know is: if a friend told you something and said "but please don't tell anyone" would you think that included your OH?

OP posts:
IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 08/04/2017 09:12

*undersecretary" if you're telling someone a "secret" surely you know that person well enough to know if they would tell their Dh?

I've seen many threads on MN about this subject, as well as RL experience and know partners share a huge about.
Im a bit surprised that people on this thread are surprised by this info!

Emboo19 · 08/04/2017 09:15

Well I'm not married so maybe that's a factor!

But as much as I love my boyfriend, I love my friends and family too. I wonder the people who would tell their partner anything, would you tell if one of your parents shared something with you? And how many really truly good friends do you have? I could never betray my good friends confidence, and I know they wouldn't mine, if I thought they would our friendship would not be the same at all.

I've known my two best friends since start of primary school, a few other close friends from around 7/8 and a wider group since the start of high school. All longer than I've known my bf! And my family, well I've known them my whole life.

It's not about keeping secrets, it's about respecting those I love and care for.
My boyfriend doesn't have a problem with that. Because he loves and respects me and part of being me, is being a good friend!!

BertrandRussell · 08/04/2017 09:21

No, I'm not married either. I'm just in one of those casual, fly by night here today, gone tomorrow relationships- after all, what does 30 years matter in the scheme of things?

BertrandRussell · 08/04/2017 09:25

"Bertrand I would probably lose a lot of understanding on his part if I didn't use names, so I wouldn't go that route by default. "

Surely not, if it's all about your thoughts and feelings and reactions? It doesn't matter who it is, does it? You could even make up a name.......

UndersecretaryofWhimsy · 08/04/2017 09:26

undersecretary" if you're telling someone a "secret" surely you know that person well enough to know if they would tell their Dh?

As I mentioned, if I were telling something I didn't want shared with a spouse I would specify as such. But more likely I would probably just... not share, especially if I wasn't particularly close to your spouse. There are a lot of things I don't share with my parents, because I don't want to share them with my mum and my sister feels it's unfair to expect my dad not to tell her. (I disagree.)

Like I said, you can do it your way if that works for you, but I would be significantly less inclined to be your friend if I couldn't be friends with just you, and not you and husband as a mind-meld package deal.

Emboo19 · 08/04/2017 09:27

I haven't been with boyfriend anywhere near that long Bert my parents were together about 20 years before marrying last year though, they didn't then and still don't tell each other everything! Thank god, as some things I tell my mum, I really don't want my dad knowing.

guinnessgirl · 08/04/2017 09:29

My presumption would be not to tell DH unless the person said 'but you can tell your DH if you want'.

Crumbs1 · 08/04/2017 09:38

Emboo, yes of course we'd share if our parents confided something. They understand that completely and share our views on the sanctity of marriage. They would expect us to share. They would share with whichever of us happened to answer phone or pop in - they see as very much as two halves of a single and complete whole.
Our friends likewise. We have very, very longstanding friends (mainly couples who are friends with both of us) some are closer than others but yes, there are friends we would turn to above siblings. Friends we have few things we don't share with, friends who share with us. We have individual university/work friends too but to remain close, they have moved into the 'two becoming one' domain and whilst I might meet my female friends for a coffee, they know my husband comes above my relationship with them. Couples friends mean I can drop in for something and have a coffee with either partner, as can my husband - with no awkwardness or secretive behaviour. Always.

It's not about, as I have said before, not respecting your friends (or a strangers) confidence. It's about making explicit the boundaries of that confidence and upholding them.
I think I'm usually considered very trustworthy and have certainly had knocks on the door from neighbours I don't know especially well to ask to talk about some worry - cancer tests, children's illnesses, finances, a spouse becoming forgetful etc. They would always be told that I might ask/talk to my husband and have never not gone on to tell me.

MrsCobain · 08/04/2017 09:39

Ot but I'm sad some people still describe fertility issues as 'an embarrassing medical secret'. Hmm

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 08/04/2017 09:44

I'm very similar to you Crumbs. I too would share anything my mum told me. She would expect anything less.
I think this thread shows people have very different relationships and experiences and non is right or wrong. No one could convince me it's wrong to share something which is troubling me with my Dh.
And those saying "I would never tell my h and I know my friends wouldn't" how do you actually know that?

Bananamama1213 · 08/04/2017 09:46

If it's something deadly serious then I wouldn't. But if it's just general stuff then I would tell him - he doesn't tell anybody anything! I know he wouldn't say anything to anyone because he's just not like that!

It's just like when my husband tells me not to tell anybody - he knows full well that doesn't include my best friend haha. He did something wrong a few years ago (emotional cheating with someone online - I completely understand why he did it so we got through it quickly and I just laugh at him about it now) and he asked me not to tell anyone as he was ashamed so I said - okay, but I'm telling my best friend. And he said that he assumed I already had because I tell her everything!

Heck, we message each other after one of us has sex to tell them 😅

BertrandRussell · 08/04/2017 10:02

"Thank god, as some things I tell my mum, I really don't want my dad knowing."

Ah, now there's another can of worms. I am currently holding a big and serious confidence for my adult daughter- I would love to talk to her father about it- it is difficult and painful not to. But she asked me not to because she wants to tell him herself face to face once things are slightly more resolved. I suppose she's lucky we aren't married. Because then she woildn't have had the support I have been able to give her........

Crowdblundering · 08/04/2017 10:04

I tell my OH most things. Some stuff my best mate tells me I don't tell him, I am probably more loyal to her than to him Grin

Emboo19 · 08/04/2017 10:09

My boyfriend already thinks me and my parents over share. I don't think he'd be able to cope if I told him everything my mum told me!

Most importantly for me, I know he would be there for me if I needed him. Even if I wouldn't/couldn't tell him something, he'd know what I needed and provide it, even if it's just a hug or a glass of wine pouring.

I'm like that a bit with my best friends Banana
I can only think of one thing my boyfriend has specifically said please don't tell anyone though, and I haven't! Most stuff he knows is fair game and to be fair it's rare my friends would say don't tell, so when they do I know it's something they really want keeping between us.

Crumbs1 · 08/04/2017 10:12

BertrandRussell, of course if one of our children said can you not tell daddy - I want to tell him myself face to face, I'd respect that. If they had done something silly, done badly at school, behaved poorly and asked the same they'd have known it wasn't about to happen. If they're asking for money and confiding that they've overspent their allowance but "Please, please don't tell daddy" I'd of course share so we weren't both giving handouts.
It's all circumstance dependent.

Emboo19 · 08/04/2017 10:16

I feel very fortunate Bert that my parents have always been clear, that anything I tell either of them doesn't have to go any futher. There's not much to be fair that I'd keep from either of them, but it's still very reassuring to know they respect my wishes to do just that.

MaidOfStars · 08/04/2017 10:28

I think if people don't have that kind of relationship with their partner, they simply can't get it
It's nothing to do with the relationship I have with my husband and everything to do with the relationship I have with my friend. There is nothing lost from the former if I don't share a confidence (that doesn't affect us); there is no culture of secrecy, nor a steady erosion of our foundation.

I can recall my Mum being surprised on a couple of occasions when she's started to discuss something with my husband and found out that I haven't told him about her previous chats with me on the subject. My Mum is a Don't Teller so not sure why it catches her out.

BertrandRussell · 08/04/2017 10:39

Crumbs- so it's OK to keep your child's confidence from her father -but not to keep a friend's confidence from a total stranger to that friend. How on earth does that work?

MaidOfStars · 08/04/2017 10:55

Indeed Bertrand Hmm

MaidOfStars · 08/04/2017 10:56

of course if one of our children said can you not tell daddy - I want to tell him myself face to face, I'd respect that
What if your friend said 'Can you not tell your husband, I want to tell him myself face to face'?

NotCarylChurchill · 08/04/2017 10:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Crumbs1 · 08/04/2017 12:04

MaidofStars - I'd say of course - unless something crops up that makes him ask a direct question. Same as the children. "Mummy, mummy" (excited phone call)"Ollie has just asked me to marry him. Please don't say anything to daddy yet. Ollie wants to speak to him personally at the weekend". Of course I'd stay silent but with a bit of a knowing smile. Same as with anyone- it's about explicit agreement between the two parties on a specific subject.
"Mummy please don't say anything to daddy but I've overspent and have run out of money". Answer "Oh dear, how did that happen? I will talk to your father to decide how we'll handle it". "Can you explain I had to but extra books and 'needed' a dress for the Rowing ball? " I hadn't agreed to remaining silent before the beans were spilt.
"Mummy can you promise to keep a secret?" "Mmm depends what it is darling". If it's that they've won the Deans award for best medical student at graduation and want to surprise their father - fine. If it's about them being arrested (foster son long, long time ago) then no, absolutely not.

Crumbs1 · 08/04/2017 12:23

NotCarylChurchill - that's a massive extrapolation and probably incorrect in most cases. It speaks volumes about your own insecurities in your relationships and is projecting your experience on to others rather than debating from a point of fact. It's somewhat offensive and contrary to Equality legislation where marriage is a protected characteristic. You are discriminating and forming an opinion based on prejudice.

I suspect most of us who are halves of a strong union in marriage are actually very secure. It's not about having his opinion is it? It's about honesty in the relationship and total trust. I do, however value his opinion usually- but definitely not always agree with it. Depends what you call boring? Not sleeping with multiple partners (true), knowing who I'm going to grow old with (true) financial security (true) lots of international travel (true) huge family celebrations (true) never feeling lonely (true) never feeling unloved (true) being fully accepted as me (true) good career (true) weekend supper parties with lovely friends and their families (true) confident, successful children (true). Yes you're right probably boring. What are you doing this weekend? I'm going to Denmark for four nights with my husband, four adult children, two friends with their three children. We're staying in a lovely hotel, the children have planned and are paying for a special meal, we're intending to swim in the harbour and drink beer outside under fleecy blankets. We'll do Tivoli gardens on one night. The kids want the Heineken tour, friends want a boat trip. Girls want shopping. Definitely boring, dull life eh?
I don't think I have any friends who are total strangers to my husband- how could they be a close friend and not understand the whole me? I have acquaintances and colleagues who might not, of course. Most of my close working colleagues know my husband too - as I do theirs.

NotCarylChurchill · 08/04/2017 12:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BuntyFigglesworthSpiffington · 08/04/2017 12:57

What are you doing this weekend? I'm going to Denmark for four nights with my husband, four adult children, two friends with their three children

Are you though? Weren't you exposed for telling porkies on a thread recently?

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.