"Well of course I was going to tell BF"

[WarwickDavisAsPlates]

I originally wrote quite a long post detailing the entire situation and how this came up but it got too long.

So basically what I want to know is: if a friend told you something and said "but please don't tell anyone" would you think that included your OH?

I think telling your oh others' private business is v out of order. Why are people so disrespectful about others' privacy.
My sister told her oh something I told her in utter clear confidence. She justified telling him as he'd care and not judge.
He shouldn't have been told to be in a position to judge or not. Her self justification just underlined how she just doesn't get privacy. I tell her nothing now.

Chinteria

Precisely. This.
Not my secret to tell.

I tell my husband everything, so yes, I would, although I swear him to secrecy. Lots of people share secrets with their spouses or partners...I think most people suspect that a secret might be shared with a spouse. At least in my circle of friends and acquaintances.

Leapyearbaby. I'm not sure we are disrespectful- the opposite in fact. All those saying they share with husband's also said they would make this explicit to person wishing to share something. The person has a right to not share knowing that the spouse may be told. I absolutely respect and uphold people's right to decide who information is shared with but if they choose me they know I may share with my husband. It's consensual.

If you go out with , say, 3 friends, and chat for, say, 3 hours, how the hell do you tell your husband everything?

Bertrand - it was established upthread that the dull bits would be glossed over and the juicy bits would be discussed.

including but not limited to:
how are the kids wouldn't mention, DH very unlikely to care or even know who kids are
a new pair of jeans that were a bargain DH would not care, might come up if I say I might go and buy a jean in that place because they are a bargain there husband still wouldn't care
a problem at work on a sensitive issue ("Don't tell anyone") would probably mention to have DH opinion on the subject
whether you prefer fruit-based or cream-based cocktails wouldn't even remember that after I finish my drink
isn't avocado disgusting I like avocado
the Syrian conflict is terrible probably discussing subject with husband already, my friend's opinion would likely not come up.
a GP appointment for unexpected bleeding ("Don't tell anyone") Depends. Wouldn't tell for the sake of telling, but would probably mention " I am very worried for friend, she's going to GP, hope she is ok and nothing serious.

Interesting that the two examples of "please keep this confidential"are the two that would be discussed with a partner. I.e. The juicy bits.

I would ask that person if I could tell my OH and if not keep counsel.

At the heart of this is the matter of emotional support, and the key is the emotional weight of the secret. If I feel so burdened by something that I need to confide in someone, then it seems unreasonable for me to ask them to carry that burden without their being able to share. In fact, if I tell someone something in confidence then I assume that they will share that with the person they turn to for emotional support. So if I say "Don't tell anyone" then what I actually mean is "Don't gossip about this and be very discrete how you share it." I don't expect absolute confidentiality. But also I would be very careful about whom I confided in - obviously wouldn't share anything sensitivewith someone loose-lipped.

You're not going to get much emotional support from all these partners who aren't interested, barely listen and will have forgotten by the morning, are you?

It is fascinating that "I tell my husband everything" seems to mean "I tell my husband the good bits" I suppose a request for confidentiality is a good indicator of a "good bit"

I wouldn't tell anyone if asked. I'd give up pretty quickly under torture though.
I have a friend who says to everyone "don't tell anyone, but.....". It turns out that everyone knows her 'secret' but because we're all loyal, it doesn't get discussed, and we all feel 'special' because she has confided in us!!

I tell my Dh the bits I think about rather than "the good bits". They are normally the hard bits or the surprising bits or the bits I want another opinion on. I don't mention that the kids are OK (unless it comes up) because I'd rarely really think about that again (I would mention if they weren't OK because I would think about that). I don't tell him about a bargain pair of jeans because I don't think about that again. A problem at work (sensitive issue or not) I might well because it's the sort of problem I think about. Cocktail discussions I would almost certainly mention, I'm a cocktail fan. Syrian conflict - quite likely would mention if my friend had an opinion I hadn't heard and discussed already. GP appointment I would probably mention because I would think and worry about that - all though I'd also have checked it was OK to tell him about that.

It's not about gossiping, it's about a shared life.

I tell my hubby everything, he's part of me. If people don't want people to know they shouldn't spill their secrets.

"I tell my hubby everything, he's part of me."

Ok. A question people who hold this view haven't yet been able to answer. What do you mean "everything"? 3 hours of solid talk with two friends. Do you recount the entire evening?

"It's not about gossiping, it's about a shared life."

But it's not your life you're sharing!!!!!!!!!

It is my life I'm sharing. It's my feelings, my thoughts, my ideas, my worries, my responsibilities that I'm sharing, they may be about something that's happened to someone else, but the point in talking to my DH is to share my reactions and possibly get his input. I'm not simply listing the things I heard so he feels like he's heard everything I have.

"It is my life I'm sharing. It's my feelings, my thoughts, my ideas, my worries, my responsibilities that I'm sharing, they may be about something that's happened to someone else, but the point in talking to my DH is to share my reactions and possibly get his input"

Would you be happy to do this without naming the person concerned?

"Without naming the person"
It would be a bit random to start talking about your feelings, thoughts etc without mentioning why you were having them and who it related to.

I think if people don't have that kind of relationship with their partner, they simply can't get it.

I couldn't and wouldn't have to censor myself when I am talking with my husband. My home is the only place where I can be myself 100%. Calling it "gossiping" is completely missing the point.

I am glad mine trusts me as much as I trust him, and is not worried I will repeat everything to my friends or sisters.

Of course you don't repeat a 3 hours conversation word for word, but surely you talk about what has stuck in your mind?

""Without naming the person"
It would be a bit random to start talking about your feelings, thoughts etc without mentioning why you were having them and who it related to."

"Someone at work" "Someone I know". Easy Peasy.

Bertrand I would probably lose a lot of understanding on his part if I didn't use names, so I wouldn't go that route by default. If there was something I thought really shouldn't be shared I guess I could do that, but if I thought he really shouldn't know I probably wouldn't tell him at all because I'd be concerned about him working it out.

To give an example - I am a doctor. I am bound by confidentiality and I never breach that. However I sometimes need to "debrief" about situations that have affected me or that I was unsure I handled right etc. In this instance there are certain "safe" situations where this is acceptable, e.g we have official/protected small group sessions with colleagues, or we can write a written reflection on our portfolio, or talk through it with our consultant or academic tutor. Of course we usually omit identifying info, but there will be occasions where someone recognises the "story" and will say "oh yes I have treated this person before, I had a similar issue, and I did xyz, but think you did the right thing etc". To me this is a similar situation to the husband thing. It is your own sounding board if you trust them the conversation will stay in that room, and even in jobs where confidentiality is paramount, you are still expected to want/have to discuss patients for your own sanity, and doing it amongst colleagues in a controlled way is not considered a breach of confidentiality.

"I tell my hubby everything, he's part of me."

I hope all the people who think they're friends with just one of you are aware that that isn't actually possible, and that they are in fact speaking to both of you at all times.

I mean, if that works for you as a relationship, great, but I don't necessarily want to be friends with your husband at all, so I'd want to know on what terms I was having (what I thought was) a conversation just with you.

If it was very personal to the person then no definitely not. That would be a bit weird, depends what it is. If not personal maybe. But it wouldn't be repeated elsewhere.

This thread has grown a lot since I posted to it but I still haven't seen an explanation as to why its ok to respect work related confidences but not friends'.

Is it a case of if you are paid to keep confidences you can respect them but if not you feel free to share them onward irrespective of the teller's wishes?