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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"Well of course I was going to tell BF"

721 replies

WarwickDavisAsPlates · 06/04/2017 09:08

I originally wrote quite a long post detailing the entire situation and how this came up but it got too long.

So basically what I want to know is: if a friend told you something and said "but please don't tell anyone" would you think that included your OH?

OP posts:
MitzyLeFrouf · 07/04/2017 12:40

I think it demonstrates a real weakness of character that some people feel compelled to blab to their partners about another person's private business. Such very sad lives they must lead.

2rebecca · 07/04/2017 12:47

If someone tells me something in confidence in my social life or at work I just don't see that as having anything to do with my husband so I wouldn't mention it to him.
He doesn't interrogate me about what I talk about at home or at work so it would just never come up in conversation with him. No lying, no dramatic secret keeping.
Similarly if his friends or colleagues tell him something in confidence then I'd expect him to just keep it to himself.
We have enough other stuff to chat about that isn't other people's private business that we don't need to spice up our conversations in that way.
I presume all these people incapable of not telling their husband's everything would never work in a job requiring confidentiality.

motherinferior · 07/04/2017 12:51

I think it's a bit sad if the only person you talk to freely and frankly is your partner, to be honest.

2rebecca · 07/04/2017 12:55

I hope all these women who prefer to tell their partner everything would make that clear to a friend who asked them not to tell "anyone" something before the friend told them, so the friend has the option of not telling them it if they'd rather the husband didn't know their personal stuff.

BertrandRussell · 07/04/2017 12:59

I do hope that none of the "tellers" are solicitors, or doctors or nurses or counsellors............

ApplePaltrow21 · 07/04/2017 13:01

Why are people bringing up job confidentiality as if professional norms are some sort of slam dunk?

Firstly, therapists and many professional secret keepers HAVE THERAPISTS. Because (as many studies show) keeping secrets is difficult and generally makes you physically sicker. People have to decompress and discuss their clients with someone.

And secondly, even the law recognizes to some degree that you have a right to confide openly to your spouse. They can't be compelled, in many circumstances, to testify about conversations you've had together.

Any all the police officers etc are discussing these cases with EACH OTHER. They may be keeping it a secret from their spouses (which I seriously doubt) but they are certainly talking openly to someone.

BarbarianMum · 07/04/2017 13:02

Maybe. I think it's pretty emotionally incontinent to dump your problems on your friends.

MaidOfStars · 07/04/2017 13:19

I think it's pretty emotionally incontinent to dump your problems on your friends
Shock

Rape? Child abuse? Termination? Divorce?

Emotionally incontinent to want a confidante?

ApplePaltrow21 · 07/04/2017 13:27

It's really interesting to me that the people on this thread (including the OP) who are so strongly pro secrets are basically ignoring any substantive arguments against them and just keep repeating over and over how incompetent and emotionally weak they think us posters are who disagree.

It's probably really telling because it's come up over and over. Calling us pathetic, sad, weak, silly, "emotionally incontinent".

Posters have brought up:

  • burden of keeping secrets for the secret keeper
  • general expectation of sharing in friendship group
  • concern over a culture of secrets
  • mode of processing requires discussion
  • disagreement that disclosing can't be done compassionately

No one seems interested in addressing any of those posts. Instead, it's generally ignored in favour of basically insisting that anyone who needs a confidant is weak. And that's exactly why I don't keep secrets. Because people who believe keeping secrets and never needing anyone have the exact opposite of emotional strength to me.

Living a guarded closed life is not emotional strength, it's weakness. It's because people know that they care a lot what other people think, they know they can be hurt and they don't feel they can cope. They're afraid. Like people who brag really loudly to mask their insecurity. And people who are aggressive instead of assertive. It masks a lot of pain and poor coping skills. So they have control freakish tendencies. And they do a lot of projection which is why so many people on this thread are so desperate to explain to everyone else how weak and pathetic we are.

Well, only one side is secure enough in ourselves, our lives, our choices and our friendships to be able to trust our friends, that they will confide in whomever they need in order to be give us the support we need. And it's not the "secret keepers".

Happy "teller" over here!

BarbarianMum · 07/04/2017 13:30

With such extreme examples as rape and abuse I think you'd be ill advised in general, better to find a support group or counsellor. Friends aren't always equipped to deal, or support and may not even be kind or react appropriately. Look at all the "let down by friends" threads on here.

BoyFromTheBigBadCity · 07/04/2017 13:35

I'm weak because I don't want my business discussed with my friends' husbands and partners? Because I want the relation I have with my friends to not have to include husbands?

I'm single - who am I allowed to talk to if I have to accept that my business is going to be discussed with people I would never dream of talking to in that level?

MaidOfStars · 07/04/2017 13:38

emotionally incontinent

Grin That was from a Teller, directed at friends who may wish to confide being unable to deal with their crisis on their own.

No one seems interested in addressing any of those posts
Please read mine. I think you'll find I've been quite balanced and addressed some of the things you bring up.

Easy to stereotype on both sides Hmm

MitzyLeFrouf · 07/04/2017 13:42

Living a guarded closed life is not emotional strength, it's weakness.

You're so overly dramatic. Must be utterly exhausting being you.

Are you talking about people who have secrets to tell every other day of their lives? I know no such people. But that a friend might have something of a personal nature to discuss once in a blue moon is hardly proof that they live a closed and guarded life.

Photograph · 07/04/2017 13:43

I do hope that none of the "tellers" are solicitors, or doctors or nurses or counsellors......

why?

I don't know how many patients my GP will see in a day, but I would have no issue if he was telling his wife that he's saddened by my case today, a woman who has xxx. It would be breaching confidentiality if he was telling her that photograph, who lives at this address, was born on the xxx has xxx problem. See the difference?

And if my husband tells me anything, it stops here. I wouldn't start blabbing to my mum, my sisters, my best friends.If my single friend tells her own sister, and it stops there, fine too.

my partner is not a "random stranger" to me. He is to my friend. that's a weird concept. My husband might not be very close to my friends, but he's not a random stranger either. He's my husband for a start, I can't think of any close friend who haven't met him one way or another.

user1487064897 · 07/04/2017 13:49

I think it's the attitude to someone else's privacy Photograph.
The fact that someone could ask you not to tell anyone and your first thought is Fuck em I don't care if they don't want anyone to know I'll do what I want.
I also think that a few of the tellers on here are coming up with some ridiculous excuses as to why it's ok to betray someone's confidence. When really I'd have more respect for those that just admitted they liked to talk abut other people behind their back even when asked not to.

BarbarianMum · 07/04/2017 14:01

I'm a teller that doesn't want to be told, unless I can share the burden (because that's what it feels like to me) with my dh. Maybe this makes me weak but I can't just sit their dispassionately nodding in all the right places whilst people share their misery and grief, then go home whistling. Other people's emotions affect me, maybe more than they should.

Unfortunately there seems to be something about me that inspires confidences of all kinds - friends, family, relatives, neighbours, complete strangers. No idea what it is, I'm just someone people can talk to. And short of actually telling them to leave me alone I don't seem to be able to stop it.

motherinferior · 07/04/2017 14:27

Extraordinary contortions to evade the very simple fact that if someone expects you to respect their privacy, you don't breach that privacy.

BertrandRussell · 07/04/2017 14:29

"my partner is not a "random stranger" to me. He is to my friend. that's a weird concept. My husband might not be very close to my friends, but he's not a random stranger either. He's my husband for a start, I can't think of any close friend who haven't met him one way or another."

I have met my postman several times-but he would still count as a "random stranger"! I'm not sure the friend I was talking to last night has ever met my dp- if she has it was only in passing at a school event. He would certainly count as a random stranger to her.

motherinferior · 07/04/2017 14:31

You don't make exceptions on the basis that somehow your relationship has turned you into a morphed semi-human, or that somehow you have to divulge everything or it's equivalent to shagging the postie, or that it's good for your own emotional health.

Friendships are important. Respect them. Don't put them on some kind of secondary footing - oh, well, I love her dearly but of course my relationship with my partner means I have the right to tell him about her life. We need more than one close person in our lives.

Original poster
WarwickDavisAsPlates · 07/04/2017 14:32

I'm not sure I understand at what point a secret becomes a secret though.

If my friends ask me not to tell someone something I don't automatically think of it as a big secret. More just something I won't talk about.

I'm assuming it would only be a fairly extreme situation that would require someone having to "talk it over to process" in which case I suppose I could understand asking if you can tell your spouse, but you'd have to respect their privacy if they said no.

Photograph I think what people are saying is that just because your husband and his opinion might be important to you doesn't mean anyone else wants his input on their personal lives. I love my DH, I don't expect my friends to give a flying fuck about his take on their business though.

OP posts:
motherinferior · 07/04/2017 14:32

It's entirely possible that some of my friends don't like my partner. I don't like all my friends' partners. That's fine. Till we 'share' private stuff.

Original poster
WarwickDavisAsPlates · 07/04/2017 14:36

Totally agree motherinferior can't stand when people get married or whatever and suddenly they are completely joined at the hip and can't do anything without getting the others input.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 07/04/2017 14:40

In fact one of my oldest friends doesn't like my dp-and he doesn't like her. I suppose people think I should have dropped her......

BarbarianMum · 07/04/2017 14:52

The point, mother , is that no one has to tell me anything. My friends all know I don't do secrets, there's no duplicity, I'm more than happy for them not to share private things with me.
As it hasn't stopped them I guess they're not right bothered. Hmm

FlyingJellyfishintheAttic · 07/04/2017 15:30

For people who tell their husbands and partners: Are you ok your friends husbands, wives and partners knowing your secrets too?

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