Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"Well of course I was going to tell BF"

721 replies

WarwickDavisAsPlates · 06/04/2017 09:08

I originally wrote quite a long post detailing the entire situation and how this came up but it got too long.

So basically what I want to know is: if a friend told you something and said "but please don't tell anyone" would you think that included your OH?

OP posts:
ApplePaltrow21 · 07/04/2017 15:33

BertrandRussell

Why would you drop your friend? I see, you need to pretend that people are stating that your DH should veto your friendships because you think that's an easier position to defend than the "secret keeping" position you are currently "arguing".
__

Adding to the pretty hilarious ignoring yet again of substantive points. I'll add "joined at the hip" and "semi-human" to the insult pile.

BertrandRussell · 07/04/2017 15:37

Well, if not sharing my friend's confidences will damage my relationship, I assumed that maintaining a friendship with somebody my partner dislikes would be damaging too? Glad to hear it's not. But not sure how that would work with the me/him unit people

BertrandRussell · 07/04/2017 15:38

"Adding to the pretty hilarious ignoring yet again of substantive points"

Happy to address any substantive points I've ignored.

BarbarianMum · 07/04/2017 15:53

FlyingJelly yes, absolutely. I don't tell friends the most personal stuff anyway, and as I've said I don't do "secrets". If they want to discuss my ongoing struggles with crohns, or my dad's dementia or db's drug habit with their OH why should I care?

There are some things I'd share only w dh or but other than that, if it's out there it's out there.

motherinferior · 07/04/2017 16:06

OK, what are these concerns?

  • burden of keeping secrets for the secret keeper: possibly if it's something completely traumatic, like 'I murdered my aunt', but really most of the time these burdens are not particularly intolerable
  • general expectation of sharing in friendship group: you mean 'everyone else does it'
  • concern over a culture of secrets: eh? Again that's a bit far-fetched. Unless you think you can only have a relationship where absolutely everything is told.
  • mode of processing requires discussion: ah, you mean you have to talk about in order to understand it? That verges into gossip, I think.
  • disagreement that disclosing can't be done compassionately: you mean 'of course I can, my partner is special and I wasn't going to tell anything revealing anyway' - er, you're still blabbing.
ragz134 · 07/04/2017 16:35

DH and I always tell each other things, though I did manage to keep the fact he has a half brother he's never know about secret from him for 8 years. MIL told me once and asked me to not tell anyone, DH and his siblings don't know. I told him when I was drunk... It was such a relief, I'd hated knowing something about him that he didn't know and not being able to tell him. Turned out he really wasn't bothered.

Emboo19 · 07/04/2017 17:10

I honestly don't think my boyfriend would have any intrest in me telling him my friends secrets and I've no intrest in hearing about his.

I do know a few things his brother has told me and he's asked me not to share with him, (we were friends before I started seeing J) It does bug him a bit, as he knows I know a detail he'd like to know. But I was told in confidence and I respect his brother too much to break that and my bf respects me too much to expect me to.
I do tease him a little about it though Grin

If I've ever been worried or upset about something, my boyfriend will ask if it's something that effects us and that he's here if I need to talk to him. Other than that, he'd just give me a hug and leave it there.

Crumbs1 · 07/04/2017 17:35

Flying Jelly yes, as I explained in my circle there is an understanding that if one tells one spouse you also tell their other spouse. Same would not be true of an unmarried partner though. If I don't accept that, I wouldn't share with them. I'd share with my husband anyway so no real need to share more widely very often.
I do see marriage as morphing me into one half of a whole.
Earlier question MaidofStar - no if a programme was on a couple of weeks later I wouldn't say anything about a friend with that particular problem. I'd only probably say if asked directly as opposed to volunteering information- mainly because my husband wouldn't usually be particularly interested.

countinbats · 07/04/2017 17:41

My wife probably tells me things she's been told and asked not to tell anyone. I'm just a pair of ears to her and it means nothing to me, if it did go in I'd forget about it by the morning anyway.

ChippieFishieHorshie · 07/04/2017 17:42

Well, secrets aren't safe if more than 1 person knows, right...?

Anyhow. It depends on the topic. Something genuinely sensitive that won't have an impact on our lives? No, I wouldn't tell.

ClaireSunflower · 07/04/2017 17:42

I would assume the OH wasn't included in 'anyone'. I told my best friend that I was pregnant quite early on and to not tell anyone, assuming she would tell her dh but no one else and was quite surprised to find out she didn't even tell him. Maybe I'm a bad friend but I tell my dh everything!

BoomBoomsCousin · 07/04/2017 17:43

I wouldn't tell my DH if it would be awkward for him (e.g. If someone we both know was having an affair), if the "secret" is of a nature where the person might have a particular wish to keep the information from a man (e.g. Sexual assault), if there was some other aspect of the people and secret involved that means I think there's an "extra" reason not to, or if the person telling me has specifically said not to tell him.

But in general I would speak freely to my DH about things I hold in confidence, as he does me. My relationship with him is entirely different to my relationships with anyone else. We're a unit in a way that I'm not with any one else. Even when things aren't great between us there is a bond of trust that doesn't exist with by best friends in the same way.

I would be sad if I lost a friend over this, but not enough to give up the sort of relationship I have with my husband.

BertrandRussell · 07/04/2017 17:43

"Same would not be true of an unmarried partner though."
Grin It really is Stepford Wife territory, isn't it?

2rebecca · 07/04/2017 17:43

If I wanted to for example discuss my hypothetical concerns that my husband was having an emotional affair with a close friend or relative then if I asked them not to tell anyone I would not expect them to tell their spouse or current boyfriend without telling me they intended to do that when I asked them in which case I would probably choose not to discuss it with them as i wouldn't want their partner giving my husband funny looks and if they were sitting together as a couple I probably wouldn't have mentioned it.
I also wouldn't see why this was such a traumatic "secret" for my friend that they couldn't just keep quiet about it. It doesn't affect their day to day life after all. It's my problem not theirs. I would see telling someone else as sharing juicy gossip unnecessarily.

Northernlight22 · 07/04/2017 17:45

Totally depends on the situation or the secret. In this one, I wouldn't have told DH as if he's friends with the other bloke then it's bound to come out that he's been told.

I have told DH stuff I've been told in confidence, either because I want an opinion on how to handle the situation or because it's upset me / effected me in some way.

Id only tell him if I knew he'd keep the confidence as well or if he didn't know the person so would have no interest in it outside of talking to me about it.

ChippieFishieHorshie · 07/04/2017 17:45

I don't get why I would tell DH?

There are many things relating to my work I can't tell. I imagine it's similar for many people (therapists, lawyers, teachers etc...)

It's not my secret, is it? And as long as it isn't actually likely to impact our family?

Crumbs1 · 07/04/2017 18:02

Stepford wives? No, more Vicar of Dibley. In truth, I'm sitting here trying to think of a couple we count as friends and/or neighbours who aren't long time married.

It would be different because a non married couple have not taken vows that unite them "until death". I know it's not everyone's view but it's the way we are.

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/04/2017 18:07

Dh and I definitely kept our word not to Divulge some info. His mum told me something and asked me not to say anything and then separately told the same thing to dh. It wasn't until after she died that dh divulged the information. And I told him I already knew.

As long as it didn't affect my family. Or it wasn't something ghastly such as the person had decided to commit suicide, why would I need to tell dh?

WomanStanley · 07/04/2017 18:11

I would assume any gossip I told a mate would be relayed to their partner and wouldn't tell them if that was going to be a problem.

kindermog · 07/04/2017 18:16

I know it was earlier in the thread but there were quite a few posts from "tellers" along the lines of, "Well DH doesn't listen/remember/care anyway."

So why say anything then? Talk to the wall if you can't keep thoughts in your head unspoken. Talk to Samaritans if you are genuinely upset by the information. Talk to an anonymous Internet forum if you need advice on how to help and support your friend.

What is the point in breaking a confidence to someone who isn't listening or caring?

Roversandrhodes · 07/04/2017 18:20

I'm single but it would completely depend on who the friend was ,what they said and how my partner was ,ie does he have a tendency to blurt out secrets or can he keep his mouth shut .In general I don't think I would tell my partner ,husband etc if a good friend asked me not too

Sallystyle · 07/04/2017 18:35

I do hope that none of the "tellers" are solicitors, or doctors or nurses or counsellors......

Well, that has been discussed already.

The two things are different and even those who have to keep confidentially at work have people they can discuss things with. As an HCA who sees some upsetting things I can go to the right people to discuss it if I ever need to.

As I have already said I would only do that if the confidence was burdening me in some way. That has rarely happened. I don't agree with just telling your husband any old thing someone has told you, so I'm a don't tell unless the secret is so big you genuinely need support to help you through it too, which isn't something that happens to people often I imagine.

MaisyPops · 07/04/2017 18:37

It's not about martyrdom at all as some people suggest.

I think my DH is a trustworthy person. If he broke his friends' confidence regularly to me then I would wonder what he was divulging about our relationship to his friends.

Some things are between me and DH
Some things are between DH and his friends
Some things are between me and my friends.

If a secret was becominv a burden to bear then i might discuss the situation with DH but not reveal who it was. If I was worried about a friend's welfare (e.g. she has confided domestic violence) then I'd tell DH because selfish as it sounds I know I'd need help dealing with that

Icapturethecast1e · 07/04/2017 18:41

I'm constantly told gossip and secrets and I don't pass this info onto anyone, esp not my OH. Eventually it all comes to light but not from me. I've seen things with my own eyes and pieced together things but I keep it to myself. It's no benefit to pass these things on and people will do whatever they want anyway. I really don't feel the need to talk to anyone about it. Usually I have to feign suprise when secrets are exposed.

WyfOfBathe · 07/04/2017 18:45

I tell my DH things which affect me. If I'm up all night worrying because of something a friend said, I will tell my DH. When I had a problem which linked to a friend's secret, I told my DH.

I think being a Teller is less to do with my relationship to DH (we are very close, I do think he's my "one", but we do have separate lives and do separate things) and more to do with the fact that I don't really understand secrets. There are some parts of my childhood, and some health conditions, which I expect a lot of people would want to hide, but I've always been an "open book" when something comes up in conversation.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread