"Well of course I was going to tell BF"

[WarwickDavisAsPlates]

I originally wrote quite a long post detailing the entire situation and how this came up but it got too long.

So basically what I want to know is: if a friend told you something and said "but please don't tell anyone" would you think that included your OH?

I wouldn't go home and repeat the conversation verbatim (how dull would that be) but I might bring up details - J' s trying the 5.2, P's got a new job, S' s dd got into Greenwood if it came into other conversations later. Certainly the stuff my friends and I talk about isn't generally confidential.

I am only happy to be taken into someone's confidence on the understanding that I may discuss with dh though.

I don't do it to make myself important or interesting.

I do think it's important to be a good friend. My relationship with my partner does not trump all my other relationships.

People asking to keep things secrets, or the ones so keen on keeping "secrets" from their partner are really trying to make their life more interesting and make themselves sound all important
I think it's patently obvious which side of the debate are more self-focussed. To the point of martyrdom in some cases.

Speaking for myself, but suspect others will feel the same, I can't remember the last time I was told a 'secret' because, well, we're adults. I can remember the last time someone confided in me about marital difficulties - she didn't have to frame it as a 'secret' because, well, we're adults. I can remember the last time someone mentioned a medical issue they were having - he didn't frame it as a 'secret' because, well, we're adults.

There's no drama or self-importance. I feel it's important to maintain mutual trust with friends, to respect their privacy and to allow them autonomy over their own lives. Astonishingly, I don't even have to be told to do this.

Crumbs1 IIRC, and understand you, the incontinence example: You wouldn't bring it up with your husband as a 'Guess what?'. But if, three weeks later, there was a documentary on the subject, you'd perhaps then mention 'Oh, So And So has that'. Is that a reasonable take on your position?

Can i just point out that it's only the "tellers" who talk about "secrets" and "drama" and all that schoolgirl stuff.

The rest of us talk about privacy and keeping confidences -you know, like adults?

In my experience secrets only come with a lot of emotional weight - abuse, cancer diagnoses, suicide, fraud, adultery. No one's ever asked me to keep trivial things a secret.

photograph there's no drama to respecting a friends privacy. Really.
And as for not lying, what is so difficult about saying to your partner/husband 'I'm sorry, I can't discuss that, because (friend's name) told me in confidence and it's a private matter'.
There, no lies told and no confidences broken.

So, to use my example from last night. My friend talked about a screw up she made at work. She didn't specifically ask us to keep it to ourselves. I probably won't tell dp because why would be be interested? . And that is fine.

But if she had specifically asked us to keep it to ourselves, we would have to tell our partner's because otherwise it's lying? How does that work?

I feel like a lot of the Tellers on this thread don't think there's a difference between secrets and just... not mentioning something.

The issue that brought this up for me (Ellie and Robs relationship problems) wasn't presented to me as "this is a huge secret you must take to your grave" but more as "just don't mention it to anyone because it's very personal to me"

To me that's a huge difference, if DH asked outright what we had been talking about I probably would have just brushed it off as "just having a chat" or if pushed "Ellie has been having a tough time and wanted to get it off her chest" I wouldn't tell him any more than that and he'd respect that because he respects Ellie's right to privacy as much as I do.

Yes, "secret" has become such a weighted word.

I reserve the right to tell my partner stuff. Whether I'd want to tell him about a friend's mistake at work, I've no idea. Can't see why I would unless she'd killed someone or betrayed national security.

One of my best friends told me she is having an affair, with a married man that I vaguely know through work. I am literally the only person on the planet who knows about it. She is a lovely if slightly naive and vulnerable person and he has done a proper number on her. I have decided to keep her confidence and just be there for her when the shit hits the fan, which I know it will eventually (I have tried gently trying to get her to see this but she can't/won't at the moment - they are soul mates/meant to be etc etc). However it is quite a burden for me so I have told dp, who she has never met and who doesn't know this guy. I need someone to sound off to about what a twat this guy is, and also someone to get advice from on how to best handle the situation and support her. Of course I have told him if he ever eventually meets her, which he probably will as we are good friends, that he must keep mum! But I totally trust him to keep it to himself, and all he cares about is supporting me - he is not invested in the situation so is unlikely to want to interfere.

'I'm sorry, I can't discuss that, because (friend's name) told me in confidence and it's a private matter'.

fine, but by saying that, you already tell half the story anyway! As I said before, I would not go into all the gory details, and in most cases husband would not care a bit anyway, but I don't believe I am betraying anyone by just mentioning someone has health problems, is being cheated on, is on dodgy grounds at work or whatever drama is happening. I am talking to my husband, we keep things between us, I am not talking about chatting with random people.

Last time I went to hospital I only told a couple of very closed friends and did ask them to keep it quiet. It never even occur to me they had to keep it from their partner! If nothing else, as I believe they care for me, they are entitled to get comfort from them if they need. I can't decide if it's selfish or childish to burden someone with bad news but decide they have to keep it hidden from their partner.

One of my friend keeps certain work things from her husband because he's a journalist. She trusts him, but would put him in an awkward position, it's sometimes easier for him if he doesn't know. That's their agreement anyway.

Barbarian thats fine as long as you're upfront about it.
The thing is, if I know someone like you I wouldn't just not want to share 'secrets' with them, I wouldn't want to share any personal stuff with them really.

photograph well I would only say that if I was asked directly. I would just not discuss it in the first place though, so it probably wouldn't arise.
When you say you're not discussing it with 'random people' , well you possibly are, in the eyes of the person whose business you are actually discussing.

Also it is reassuring for me that dp is totally on the same page with me and agrees that this guy is a total twat for what he's doing/saying (my wife doesn't understand me but I can't leave the kids etc etc - usual script) which is good to know as we are ttcing!

Maybe I'm talking at right angles here. I was brought up in a family where secrecy and deception (and downright lying ) were rife. And where different members of the family knew different things (so some knew uncle x was gay but don't tell his parents, I knew another uncle had committed suicide but his children (my cousins, same age) didn't , my sister knew that dad was in prison but I was told he was away on business.

It's a really hard way to live, trying to keep your stories straight all the time. And damaging. And dysfunctional. So the words "don't tell anyone but.. ." fill me with horror and I don't play those games any more, certainly not in my marriage.

Doesn't mean I need to gallop home and share details of your missed miscarriage with dh but equally if you are thinking of cheating I don't want to know about it.

In other words I only told dp as I was morally conflicted myself about the situation - not to spread gossip. It would almost be like me posting anonymously in wwyd on mn, as he knows neither party involved.

noeffing believe me I'm delighted when people don't confide in me.

Barbarian I think thats fair enough.

Me either.

blimey, we have to be careful about what we say at work, at school, with friends, with strangers. The only private and safe space we have is home, the only person we can talk freely and we can completely relax with are our partners/ family. It's not about spreading gossips, but it's horrible if you have to hide things from your husband too, if you have to think about absolutely everything you say. I wouldn't want to live like that.
So you are upset because you discover your friend has been sexually abused, but you have to keep it to yourself, your partner doesn't know why you are upset.

Not wanting random strangers to know No one is advocating putting the story on twitter, we are talking about husband and wives, hardly random strangers. If you think of your husband as a random stranger, no wonder the concept of sharing things with him is alien to you. Good god, what a sad life.

"Not wanting random strangers to know No one is advocating putting the story on twitter, we are talking about husband and wives, hardly random strangers. If you think of your husband as a random stranger, no wonder the concept of sharing things with him is alien to you. Good god, what a sad life"

You misunderstand. My partner is not a "random stranger" to me. He is to my friend. So if I share the details of her life with him, as far as she is concerned, I have shared them with a random stranger.