"Well of course I was going to tell BF"

[WarwickDavisAsPlates]

I originally wrote quite a long post detailing the entire situation and how this came up but it got too long.

So basically what I want to know is: if a friend told you something and said "but please don't tell anyone" would you think that included your OH?

I don't know if any additional info on my friends will help but...

Ellie was my best friend in primary school.

When we moved up to secondary we were in different classes, I sat next to my new friend Rob.

Rob introduced me to his neighbour My DH when we were about 13/14

Sarah joined my maths class around the same time and we all started hanging out together.

Sarah's bf was known to us in college but didn't hang out with our group until a couple of years later when he started dating Sarah.

So maybe I feel extra awkward because I see them all (except Sarah's Bf who I don't know particularly well) as equal friends.

Ellie would not be happy for Sarah's Bf to know about her problems, I'm assuming a big reason she didn't want him to know was because he's friends with all of us as well.

"They might not get the same input so is the parking attendant at the hospital who knows my mum, duty bound to keep the fact that I visited a hospital secret?"

Back to those pesky ethics again, isn't it?

Notcaryl 🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾

If I was a hospital parking attendant I wouldn't tell anyone who I saw coming or going. I'd assume it could be personal so wouldn't bring it up.

bertrand do you get a badge as the friendship police? Maybe a helicopter so you can get in there and demand people friendship in the same way you do.

Nothing to do with friendship. All to do with understanding the meaning of the words "don't tell anyone".

is the parking attendant at the hospital who knows my mum, duty bound to keep the fact that I visited a hospital secret
Probably not contractually bound (I don't know for sure; although I guess there would be basic awareness, training and guidance on confidentiality in a hospital environment).

I can't imagine why the parking attendant would tell your Mum anything though. That's the very definition of gossip? And I suspect a complaint would lead to a very firm warning, if not a formal disciplinary (if it is indeed in their contract to maintain confidentiality).

Bertrand we rarely agree on threads, but calling people who don't agree with you 'icky' is a bit immature isn't it?

I'm not bothered by people who don't tell their DH things it's just not the way we do things.

Yup, maid, I consider DH and I a me-him unit. Apply the same principle to all my married friends.

I feel like I'm starting gain a little clarity on this subject.

Secrets that affect your partner:
Possibly the easiest to deal with. It could be and has been argued that you are duty bound to inform said partner.

Secrets that affect nobody other than the person with the secret:
For me, easy to deal with. Why would I tell my partner? My ethical stance doesn't allow me, and it's an entirely pointless exercise anyway. In my view, telling in this context is nothing more than scurrilous gossiping.

Secrets that affect you by knowing:
The grey area. The secrets that may take an emotional toll on you, that may require unexpected actions from you, that may require energy and time. In this case, and I'm not suggesting it would be my course of action, I guess Telling Your Partner could reasonably be redefined to Confiding In Your Partner or Requesting Support From Your Partner (and only you will know if you are genuinely confiding or requesting support, rather than gossiping).

Bertrand I shall get you a cloth to polish your badge.

If me and my friends have an understanding, as it would seem many others do, why is it your job to tell us that our friendship rules are wrong?

Bertrand I shall get you a cloth to polish your badge.

If me and my friends have an understanding, as it would seem many others do, why is it your job to tell us that our friendship rules are wrong?

I'm calling the idea of scurrying home to share the gossip "icky". Because it is.

Maid I suspect if a complaint is made then maybe yes they'd get a talking to.

My mother and father seem to know lots of people so it's not uncommon to here 'so and so (who I will have no knowledge of) saw you at the hospital last Friday, said she liked your new hair'

Years ago, I deliberately avoided the main reception at my local hospital when I was in for a scan (recent early mc) because I knew the woman at reception knew my mum.

I hope none of you are doctors or psychiatrists or police officers.

No - I don't believe in spreading gossip for the sake of it. If I genuinely needed advice about something I'd been told in confidence, I'd probably ask my sister - we don't have any friends/acquaintances in common outside the family and live at opposite ends of the country, so she wouldn't know anyone involved (and I trust her judgement absolutely).

user1487064897
Applepaltrow 21 can I just clarify, if a friend confided in you about being abused as a child and asked you not to tell anyone you would disregard that request and tell your other half.
I'm asking clarification as it seems like such a callus thing to do, would you do that betray the confidence of an abuse victim?

I'd tell my other half, yeah. "Betraying an abuse victim" is ridiculous. You don't know my background and you don't know anyone else's. Like I said, abuse in society is extremely common, I'm not going to treat it like some terrible atomic bomb ticking away on my mind. I'm going to share it with my partner. Confidential therapists are there for a reason but people want to tell friends and they are going to do what they are going to do.

Honestly, I don't think most people's "secrets" are that interesting or that unpredictable. There's a slight drama queen element in extracting promises over things that are patently self evident to anyone paying attention. I think a lot of the "secret keepers" like the idea that they are inscrutable to their friends when reality is that most people are pretty transparent. Oh, the arguing couple are having marital problems. Shock! Am I supposed to lie when my DH says "Jane and Eric seem to be having problems". "Oh no dear, they seem fine". Completely ridiculous. The friend who seems to want kids who skips everyone's baby showers. I wonder what's up with her? Really? You have anxiety or depression? Shocking as no one could possibly discern that you aren't ok by your demeanor!

The thing to me is that I don't really even expect my friends to keep secrets from each other that much! We're in our 30s and they have proved themselves as amazing friends. We all love each other. I trust my entire friendship group completely with everything. If someone is even discussing me behind my back, I don't care because I know they care about me and they love me and they are trying to help me. If I don't trust people to say kind things about me, I'm not going to be their friend.

I also don't like people who spend all their time playing games to try to place themselves on a friend ladder like we're still 15 years old. I'll tell YOU the secret but not her because she's only my 2nd best friend twice removed. Ugh. Partners are in the group because they are. If someone's DH is awful then I'd make a special request not to say anything. But otherwise, I assume everything I say goes to him and I don't mind.

Apple agree totally!

Maid's post at 18:00: exactly.

If it's medical I tell nobody. I usually tell DH everything but I've known a friend is HIV positive for about four years and DH doesn't have a clue. However, if a mate cheated on her DH I'd probably tell DH and swear him to secrecy.

Maybe it is wrong for someone to share a massive secret without expecting them not to confide in someone else?

If someone tells me something which shows they are in a dangerous situation and asks me not to tell someone that is putting me in a horrible position isn't it? What about if someone tells me they are having an affair with a mutual friend's husband but tells me not to tell anyone?

There is a lot of black and white thinking here. I don't agree that sharing everything someone tells you in confidence with your husband is always bad. Sharing something just so you can gossip is always wrong though of course.

So Apple you would betray the confidence of someone who told you about childhood abuse and asked to not tell anyone else. To me that is shocking.
It doesn't matter what you've been through or what your life experience is because it wouldn't be about you it would be about your friend.

Fair the tellers it's patently all about them and how things make them feel. Other people and their issues are secondary. If that.

So Apple you would betray the confidence of someone who told you about childhood abuse and asked to not tell anyone else. To me that is shocking.
It doesn't matter what you've been through or what your life experience is because it wouldn't be about you it would be about your friend.

Well, supporting my friend is about them but of course my own emotional state is about me. Why wouldn't it be?

That's the trouble with secrets. They are arrogant obsessive things by their nature. And all too frequently they snowball. The only way to keep a secret all about you is not to tell it. If you expect other people's emotions to be secondary to your secret - don't tell people.

U2
I do see that if I were to share a secret that subsequently caused my confidante sleepless nights, or empathic heartache, or some such thing, I'd possibly be OK if she needed to offload to her husband. I'd probably expect a pre-chat/warning about it though - 'I'm struggling to deal with this for XYZ reason and I need some outside perspective'.

But 1. I'd like to think I know my friends well enough to predict who might be most able to deal with my secret and help me work through (e.g. I wouldn't reveal a post-termination breakdown to a friend who has suffered multiple miscarriages while struggling to conceive). 2. I am very reflective and can usually talk myself through any crisis, so can't predict me being unable to manage the emotional fallout from a confided secret. 3. I don't tell people secrets anyway