"Well of course I was going to tell BF"

[WarwickDavisAsPlates]

I originally wrote quite a long post detailing the entire situation and how this came up but it got too long.

So basically what I want to know is: if a friend told you something and said "but please don't tell anyone" would you think that included your OH?

'Arrogant obsessive things' is so over the top. Maybe if someone is declaring they have secrets to impart every other week, but if a friend has a rare occasion where they need to confide I see nothing at all arrogant about that.

It may not be a deadly secret. It could just be something you'd rather only the people you choose know about. Something private rather than something earth shattering.

Maybe those of us who don't do secrets have been in recipe of too many nasty ones over the years.

Child abuse, severe mental health issues, rape...I've learnt the hard way that secrets are A Bad Thing. Two things you can do with secrets - 1) not tell and take the mental strain; 2) tell and accept some people you wouldn't have told directly may end up knowing.

You just have to be dignified and get on with it. Not go around accusing other people of being icky and selfish. Just live a straightforward life and don't do things you'd be ashamed of people finding out. I'm not ashamed of the abuse anymore - if someone judges me for it that's on them, not me.

Recipe? Receipt!

'Just live a straightforward life and don't do things you'd be ashamed of people finding out.'

Because it's that simple.

Some things just happen and all the straightforward dignified living in the world can't stop them.

My friends have told me 'secrets" about their personal health and sex problems.as well as financal worries. I wouldn't dream of passing that on to anyone! I wouldnt like it done to me.

Its not like im keeping a secret from DH. We have enough stuff to talk about as it is.

General stuff about friends is fine though.

The clue is in the question. Don't tell anyone

Batteriesallgone

You're so right about living an honest life. I try to stay away from people who wield secrets like weapons. In fact, such a huge part of being in unhealthy situations is keeping secrets and making other people keep secrets. Why would I want to perpetuate that in my own life?

Wield secrets like weapons? Jesus.

Someone's been reading the big book of overly dramatic similies.

Well, it's a touch dramatic but some people do use "confidences" and "secrets" as a form of social control and manipulation. Sort of high school clique-forming and excluding and whatnot. We have one where I work. I avoid him like the plague. Half his secrets are bollocks anyway but the whole thing is a nasty, toxic mess. Blurgh.

My husband and I became one in marriage. We have no secrets, of course I'd tell him.

Well I hope you'd have the decency to let your friend know before they confided in you.

I hope to God that all the people who would disclose someone else's secret never needs to have a situation where you need a friend you can trust not to tell anyone your secret.

Totally depends on content

Sort of high school clique-forming and excluding and whatnot. Half his secrets are bollocks anyway but the whole thing is a nasty, toxic mess. Blurgh

very good summary!

Crumbs doesn't that statement seem a little... I don't know... co-dependant and odd to you?

You got married, doesn't mean you can't have your own lives that don't involve each other to me that would include keeping private info about your friends to yourself.

In fairness Warwick it's probably down to a different perception of what marriage entails, with no right or wrong answer. To some people, there really is this creation of a single unit with no reservations or secrets or withholding of anything. I recall, years ago, reading an autobiography (biography?) of a historical US President who took a similar line with his wife and confided in her every state secret, no matter how sensitive, since she was to him his confidante and advisor and soul companion and all that good stuff. To others there's the union, but also the separate lives. It's kind of interesting to see the differences, and how that's feeding into this whole discussion.

Not my understanding or experience of marriage. On our wedding day we made a public commitment and we're united for life - we became one. That has its challenges over time, of course, but we know we stand together through everything and have a truly honest and enduring relationship. I don't need or want a life that he isn't a part of. Our life is co-dependent and intertwined. We aren't together 24/7 we work, we have some separate friends but simply prefer doing most things together (but not in isolation). Holidays with family and friends, supper parties, weekends away, theatre trips, meals out are always together but often with long standing friends. Why is that so wide? My friends would all totally understand and most would hold same view about telling their husband. We have four other couples who we are very close to and who we should share most things with - plus six children from whom we have no secrets. Come to that, I don't really have secrets - I think they are usually destructive because they inhibit integrity and honesty. What would I hide?

Yeah, because the Don't Tellers don't have supper parties nor believe their relationship to be open, honest and enduring.

DH and I don't keep secrets. I don't hide anything from him. But in the course of my work every day I come across information that he isn't entitled to know, that even if he asked I'd not tell him. It's more limiting what I offer than keeping secrets or hiding. Not one of my married friends would declare that they tell their DP/DH everything.

As for not having secrets from my DC, absolutely I do. I keep it secret that I lost twin boys before conceiving them. i keep it secret that I tried a few drugs at Uni. I keep it secret that while I lived in foster care as a child I was sexually abused. I keep it secret that I'm actually Santa. Of course you keep secrets or hide things from your DCs.

If a friend asked me not to mention something, I wouldn't mention it. It's a rule of friendship. Besides, why would my DH need to know something private a friend had shared with me? It would completely devalue the trust my friend had placed in me. My relationship with DH doesn't trump every other relationship I have. My friends are still a huge part of my life, of the DCs lives. I'd be a fool to put all my eggs in one man-basket.

I do admit I'm a little cynical about romance and marriage.

In my view DH and I signed a legal contract which protects me financially as I've had to take a hit to my career as the primary career of our DC.

I love him and he was one of my best friends before we were in a relationship but I enjoy having separate interests, friends and aspects of our lives.

I would never feel the need to tell him something another friend had told me in confidence as to me it's not my secret to tell. I don't have my own secrets from him, but my friends have a certain level of trust in me that I'd never feel justified in betraying.

Spot on woohoo you've articulated it better than I did.