"Well of course I was going to tell BF"

[WarwickDavisAsPlates]

I originally wrote quite a long post detailing the entire situation and how this came up but it got too long.

So basically what I want to know is: if a friend told you something and said "but please don't tell anyone" would you think that included your OH?

I would expect a HCP who was friends with me / DH / family to declare conflict of interest tbh. I guess maybe that's not possible in small towns? Never considered it to be honest.

In my cousin's case, she didn't know the patient until after treatment was given and it was the patient who copped on that it was his colleague's daughter.

My fertility nurse was a girl I sat beside in History in school. I trust her enough to not get on the phone and say "guess who's foof I had my hand in just now??" to her bestie the nanosecond I leave the room. Because she's an experienced, highly trained professional and I trust she would not jeopardise her entire career over a bit of boring gossip that my ovaries are shite.

The clinic's area covers our home-town so pretty much everyone who's had an appointment risks meeting her. The alternative is driving 3 hrs away instead.

I think it entirely depends on what it is. Usually, no I would not tell DH.

However, if it was a thing that actually required helping someone or was a cause for concern for their wellbeing then he would be the person I would confide in.

If I tell my husband or not depends on what the 'secret' is.

I wouldn't tell him that Sarah had a smear test and now needs treatment, or that Sarah had a one night stand last night that she wants me to keep quiet about.

Some secrets are big and worrying and if someone is going to share it with me then I will not feel bad confiding in my husband. If the secret is something that is going to cause me a lot of distress and worry then I want him supporting me through it. No one would ever know I told him, he would be giving me support which would better enable me to give support and advice. No harm done.

I wonder if there is a positive correlation between those who have to operate to confidentiality clauses in their professional life and Don't Tellers?

Sorry maid but professional confidences and secrets between friends who all know that dh's are part of the loop ain't the same thing.

It isn't breaking confidence if everyone knows the lay of the land.

But soapbox in this instance the friend asked them not to tell anyone.

Sorry maid but professional confidences and secrets between friends who all know that dh's are part of the loop ain't the same thing
Of course they aren't.

I'm wondering if it indicates a general attitude to such things. Or maybe the years of having such rules banged into you at work starts to leak into your private life. Just musing.

notontbestairs in my friendship group not telling anyone doesn't include partners. If that is understood, then I don't get the problem.

If something needed to be said and that person didn't want even them to know, they'd explicitly say it.

maid I was in a profession that required confidentiality and they are not the same thing.

It depends what it is. If it wasn't someone my partner knew, or not someone he was going to come into contact with, I might tell him if I needed advice/support etc. If it was just something private and personal then no of course not, there would be no need.

Saying "don't tell anyone" is explicit.
It means don't tell anyone.
Not "you can tell Gerald but nobody else".
I find all this but I tell my husband everything no matter what my friend has asked of me not to pretty strange. And I do chat with my DH about pretty much everything - just not someone else's secret.

I am a NA and never discuss the patients I have helped care for with anyone not dealing directly with their care.

It's unprofessional to do so and if I ever had to talk about something that was really worrying me and I needed support over there are appropriate avenues to go down to get that support.

Friendships are different. Again, I would only discuss big things that are worrying me with my husband that I really needed advice on. At work, if I need advice I can go to the right people. In my personal life I go to my husband.

There is a big difference between sharing Sarah's sex life and gynae issues with my husband and Sarah's confession that she is in an abusive relationship. One I can handle on my own, the other I would want some support with to make sure I'm doing the right thing.

notontbestairs that may be true for you but not for me or my friends.

maid I was in a profession that required confidentiality and they are not the same thing
Oh Christ, I get it, they're not the same thing. I work with confidential information.

But you know, scientists (like me) are all sciencey at work and then probably have a tendency to do slightly geeky, sciencey things at home. Or to be very analytical in dealing with situations. Or whatever. It's sometimes innate personality, but sometimes learned.

I was musing whether those who are highly trained at work to keep their mouths shut in many circumstances are more naturally doing so outside of work, not because they necessarily think they need to, but just because it's part of their acquired personality.

If you don't want information to leak don't tell anyone.

If I tell a friend something I always assume they've told their partner. I don't tell anyone my deepest darkest secrets.

if a friend told you something and said "but please don't tell anyone" would you think that included your OH?

Anyone who gives information to someone on condition that they can't talk about it is naive and unrealistic in thinking that the information won't get out. And even more so, thinking the person won't tell their nearest and dearest.

They must have heard of pillow talk right?

If the information is that Top Secret then they should say nothing. End of.

Bunty: Oh you're trying to kid yourself that a friend's confidential information will have a direct bearing on your partner, Too funny.

I'm confused. I made it clear that I distinguish between those that do have a bearing on him/us/DC/etc. (and therefore get passed on) and those that don't. What's so weird about the idea that someone confides something to me that I think has a bearing on me/us/DC and I then pass it on?? Examples:

1. Friend tells me about her miscarriage, regardless of whether OH knows friend or not, it has no direct bearing on me/him/DC. No need to pass it on.
2. Friend who has borrowed money from me tells me she can't pay it back because sordid reasons. That has a bearing on us both. I tell him.

Your moral compass may differ, but that doesn't make either of us intrinsically wrong. These judgments can be messy grey areas. I wouldn't presume to "know" the ultimate code of conduct for secrets because there isn't one.

Basically, the "tellers" are just trying to put a gloss on the fact that they just can't wait to share a bit of juicy gossip.

If the information is that Top Secret then they should say nothing. End of
Assuming you haven't read the thread....

If they need to confide domestic abuse or rape? Or want advice on pregnancy choices? Or any other thing that may be deeply personal, deeply private and deeply necessary to confide with a trusted friend?

Maid I know what you mean and it's an interesting point.

Are people born tellers/ not tellers or do you pick it up as you go along.

My job doesn't involve a lot of confidential information but a degree of discretion is required I suppose.

I do always end up as a bit of a counsellor to my friends and I'd never reveal any of their information if they didn't want me to.

maid OK. I get you now. I'd say learned. Whether a person is tight lipped Lucy or blabber mouth Barbara, if you are in a profession that requires confidentiality it is drilled into you and re enforced structurally, socially and legally.

I think the rub comes with people working on the fringes of a professional service. They might not get the same input so is the parking attendant at the hospital who knows my mum, duty bound to keep the fact that I visited a hospital secret? I appreciate some may have it in their contract I don't know, but you get what I mean.

Friend tells me about her miscarriage, regardless of whether OH knows friend or not, it has no direct bearing on me/him/DC. No need to pass it on
Some people are adding a fourth category in the "me/him/DC" which is me-him (to indicate the unit). Not telling appears to have a direct bearing on me-him, because it somehow undermines the integrity of me-him.

It's all a bit distasteful and..just icky, really. Running home to share the goss.

^That sounds so fucking patronising on read back. I was trying to be illustrative.