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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if anyone decided to just 'settle down' (with a partner)

125 replies

RedHareWithBlondeHair · 04/04/2017 22:01

Not really in the spirit of AIBU but I could do with a bit of perspective.

Has anyone just decided that their partner was 'nice enough' and decided to stay with him (or her) because it just seemed to be working well despite not really being in love. (I don't mean those that stay for the children or because they're financially unable to leave).

I'm struggling to articulate exactly what I mean as I know that being madly in love with someone isn't all about hearts skipping beats and drama. And in many ways it manifests itself in for example making them a cup of tea or remembering what their favourite brand of chocolate is or whatever.

I'm with someone who is a very good man. Caring, affectionate, successful career with a very good wage and kind. It's just I am not in love iyswim?

At times I think perhaps it's unfair on him and I should let him be free to meet someone who'd walk over hot coals for him or had that sense of urgency of loving him so deeply. As far as he's concerned we have a healthy, honest and good relationship. The other day he came to meet me with a certain type of drink that I had been drinking when we first met (nothing extravagant - when we had our first date I had been walking to the bar drinking a latte with cinnamon).

We've been talking a lot about the future as of late and I'm finding myself increasingly thinking well he's not a bad man and I'd be happy and secure. I do love him but I'm just not in love. I'm sure he'd make a great father and we'd be happy but I just don't really think it's fair on him.

OP posts:
AnoiseAnnoysanOyster · 05/04/2017 14:23

Surely the fireworks part is just the normal beginning of a relationship when it's new and exciting. That fades and (hopefully) it becomes more than that, something more meaningful which is love.

I knew in my gut I didn't love my ex but I buried those feelings until eventually we split up. I didn't want to have sex with him so there was no way I could have settled.

The excitement and fireworks stage of my relationship with DH has long passed but now I just love him, it's much more than him stable and dependable.

What would happen if your head was turned but the fireworks op?

AnoiseAnnoysanOyster · 05/04/2017 14:23

*by

KindDogsTail · 05/04/2017 15:04

Do you love him, respect him, admire him, trust him, share his values, enjoy each other's company?

Yes. All of these things. In fact this is probably the only healthy relationship I've ever had!

In that case I think this really is love.
I think the key to the confusion here is in you saying this is the only healthy relationship you've ever had: how bad were the others, including things in your childhood? Were any of these relationships in the past dramatic, traumatic or full of anxiety?

If so there may be one part of you somewhere that is just not used to something being as it should be (as it is in this relationship) so you feel uncomfortable without the past tensions and dramas which were full of feelings of one kind or another even if they were bad ones. If you only ever knew high drama before, this relationship may seem anodyne and without feeling.

If any of this seems true, perhaps you might be helped by counselling to help you have a better perspective.

This relationship you have seems to me to be one made of real love that most people will not come anywhere near experiencing - but would come to long for - perhaps precisely because they had counted too much on the in love sparks and sex, and too little on mutual understanding at the outset - only to find how much had been projected illusions on both parts when it is all too late. Lots of fireworks love ends sadly.

Love is much more than an emotional feeling.

Marmalade85 · 05/04/2017 17:41

I had this kind of relationship except I didn't fancy him at all. Left him, ended up with a twat and now I'm a single mum.

misscockerspaniel · 05/04/2017 18:14

Could you imagine life without him?

Msqueen33 · 05/04/2017 18:17

Erm yes. We have children and two have disabilities. He's stable, in a good job but do I think we're right for each other? We rub along. If I went back I don't think we'd be together. Sounds awful but I love my kids and they love their dad and he's not a bad man.

Msqueen33 · 05/04/2017 18:19

I'm aware I probably sound like a really horrible person.

Ellieboolou27 · 05/04/2017 19:16

Op you've sort of answered your own question when u say it's the most stable relationship you've ever had.
Every time I had the madly in love, shooting stars and fireworks relationships, it fizzled and eventually left me heartbroken.

I've been with dh over 11 years and can say I love him but not totally crazy butterflies in tummy in love. Can't even say it was like that at the start either!
We did almost split a few years after 1st dd, mainly as I was feeling similar to you, the grass is not greener in most cases.
As long as you fancy him as if there is no sexual attraction at all it will be hard to maintain a relationship.

Ellieboolou27 · 05/04/2017 19:19

Well said kinddogstail

birdspooping · 07/04/2017 08:47

Watch Alone with the Inlaws on BBC IPlayer, I think you'll be able to relate to it.

roarityroar · 08/04/2017 16:38

This thread may have changed my life

Original poster
RedHareWithBlondeHair · 08/04/2017 17:07

KindDogsTail Thank you for your very considered response. I didn't really want to go down that road with this thread as I realise(d) in truth my past has skewed and indeed warped my perception as a PP also pointed out.

The only time I have felt that level of 'in love' was with a previous boyfriend who'd break up with me on a whim then the next week declare his undying love for me. This cycle continued for about 4 years.

My current partner is basically the opposite of my ex. I love him and I find myself getting very teary when I think about what he does for me. I don't want to leave him because I feel as though I'd regret it - equally I don't want to stay because I fear I might regret it.

I'm happy to plod along at the moment but if my feelings persist then I will break up with him. Over the recent past I sometimes goad him into arguments to see how he'll react or to get him to decide to leave me. He often stands there looking at me with a bit of a bemused expression and tells me we'll talk when the atmosphere isn't so charged. All the more reason I love him more and resent myself for not feeling so in love with him.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 08/04/2017 17:12

That in love is caused by adrenaline and other chemicals nothing more the whole up and down will he call want he causes that it's not lve

2bluestars · 08/04/2017 17:38

I was with someone very nice, we had a house together and rubbed along just fine. I did think we'd end up getting married. But just because someone is nice doesn't make them right for you. He wasn't right for me, not least because he wanted different things out of life. What you said about provoking arguments brought back memories for me, I used to do that a lot. I broke up with him and never regretted it for a second. My mum said 'if he doesn't make your knees shake, he's not the one', and I actually think there's a lot of truth in that. I married someone who did and still does, a long time later!

HarryPottersMagicWand · 08/04/2017 18:05

I'd say if you were sure, you would know. Sounds like more doubts than you should have.

I'm much further down the line than you. If I had the time again, i'd do things differently.

KindDogsTail · 08/04/2017 21:14

RedHare
You are welcome I only hope it helped a bit. I am sorry for your dilemma.

I wonder if you have had counselling? Your ex might even have been abusive. You might find yourself with another abusive man otherwise.

Original poster
RedHareWithBlondeHair · 08/04/2017 22:53

KindDogsTail I'm just feeling very tearful at the moment. Maybe a bit too much wine. But I don't think I deserve him. I have had counselling in the past and I know my ex was EA. That much is clear. I just wish I felt this overwhelming love for him. I know I love him but I know deep down inside I don't want to stay with him forever. I argue with him all the time to provoke him to see if he'll 'fight' and declare his love. Everytime I do this he looks at me like I'm possessed by a mad spirit. He's always just so calm and collected in these interactions. The one time I managed to get a rise out of him was when I shouted at him that I'd never love him as much as I loved my ex. He packed a bag that night and left. I didn't see him for 2 weeks despite my calling and apologising.

This isn't what I expected of this thread but I have been, by all definitions, abusive to him. I keep trying to get him to leave me because I don't really want to be the one that leaves him.

I don't know what I'm trying to say, really.

OP posts:
HotSince82 · 08/04/2017 23:11

Don't sell yourself short

Don't settle for this man.

Why do you believe that you dont deserve the fireworks?
They categorically do not have a time limit if you are with the right man, they are what gives a relationship its individuality, its specialness.

Any number of men are kind, solvent and dependable. That doesnt mean that they will make you happy and keep you interested, make your life interesting, give you exceptional experiences and memories.

Go for the fireworks and buttetflies FGS.

Don't ever settle

Really. Just don't.

NE14T · 08/04/2017 23:22

I did and I ended up divorced after a pitiful number of years together.

I thought I wanted a family, security etc and to be fair I married a good man. But we weren't in love and it didn't work out. There's just wasn't the sexual attraction or passion I think you need to keep a relationship alive during the harder times.

Having said that, as he was essentially just a good man, our split was amicable and he's always paid maintenance/ sees the kids all the time, we are genuinely friends 4 years on post spilt and will have dinners together and days out with the kids etc. So on balance, perhaps I made a good decision as I can't imagine my life without my children now.

SpottedOnMN · 08/04/2017 23:42

If you don't think he's the right person for you he's not going to get more right. I was in your position. I married him because I wasn't brave enough to end something that was so perfect on paper but just didn't feel quite right. We're divorced now and our kids get shuttled between houses. After that I did fall properly in love with someone. The difference was startling.

histinyhandsarefrozen · 09/04/2017 06:45

I do feel for you, redhare Flowers

The knots I tangled myself in! I so wanted to love this lovely guy- I fancied him like crazy, he was kind, nice...I thought I could become a better person if I stuck with it.

I didn't, and it was very hard and painful to extricate myself from.

If the best you can say about him is he's 'not a bad guy' then I feel he's not right for you.

PoorYorick · 09/04/2017 07:24

I argue with him all the time to provoke him to see if he'll 'fight' and declare his love. Everytime I do this he looks at me like I'm possessed by a mad spirit. He's always just so calm and collected in these interactions. The one time I managed to get a rise out of him was when I shouted at him that I'd never love him as much as I loved my ex. He packed a bag that night and left. I didn't see him for 2 weeks despite my calling and apologising.

Let him go. You are not going to make each other happy.

KindDogsTail · 09/04/2017 16:30

It does sound as though you just don't want to stay with him and would always feel him as not being passionate or loving.

Is it even possible he is a bit EA, using passivity to get to you while you feel you are the one getting at him? Probably not, but I suddenly wondered if he was EA in disguise, and you had already gone from one to the other.

derxa · 09/04/2017 17:01

It seems rather odd to me that something in my life is actually working well. And you want to sabotage it?

Maria1982 · 09/04/2017 17:49

Given your last update, I would say maybe you need some more counselling to help you sort out your current feelings.

You talk of feeling as though you don't deserve him, and you are trying to provoke arguments.
The 'not deserving' feeling is something you need to address, as otherwise you may just bounce from this to potentially another abusive relationship.

He sounds like he is a good egg - could you tell him how you are feeling? It may help.
I have done similar in the past - my then DP did not run away and leave me immediately when I said I was having doubts. He stayed with me and waited and eventually things were better.

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