To ask if anyone decided to just 'settle down' (with a partner)

[RedHareWithBlondeHair]

Not really in the spirit of AIBU but I could do with a bit of perspective.

Has anyone just decided that their partner was 'nice enough' and decided to stay with him (or her) because it just seemed to be working well despite not really being in love. (I don't mean those that stay for the children or because they're financially unable to leave).

I'm struggling to articulate exactly what I mean as I know that being madly in love with someone isn't all about hearts skipping beats and drama. And in many ways it manifests itself in for example making them a cup of tea or remembering what their favourite brand of chocolate is or whatever.

I'm with someone who is a very good man. Caring, affectionate, successful career with a very good wage and kind. It's just I am not in love iyswim?

At times I think perhaps it's unfair on him and I should let him be free to meet someone who'd walk over hot coals for him or had that sense of urgency of loving him so deeply. As far as he's concerned we have a healthy, honest and good relationship. The other day he came to meet me with a certain type of drink that I had been drinking when we first met (nothing extravagant - when we had our first date I had been walking to the bar drinking a latte with cinnamon).

We've been talking a lot about the future as of late and I'm finding myself increasingly thinking well he's not a bad man and I'd be happy and secure. I do love him but I'm just not in love. I'm sure he'd make a great father and we'd be happy but I just don't really think it's fair on him.

The boys who I was really attracted to (not many), didn't end up being the best relationships.
My husband is a warm hearted gentleman, I am attracted to him (still after 6 years), but it's not fireworks.
The big thing for me though is that he makes me laugh, a lot. Does your DH
I don't think true love is about fire works, if you want some short term excitement and an unequal relationship then go for someone you're really attracted to! If you want a good relationship go for a good guy who makes you laugh.

I still feel sorry for your partner in all this. Your posts are all about you.

No, she said twice in her OP that she was worried about it being unfair on her partner.

I think you may be confusing love and lust. You sound like you love him but don't lust over him- nothing wrong with that.

Have a read of I love you but I'm not in love with you by Andrew Marshall. Covers much of the above inc limerance and the natural waning of 'spark' in any relationship. There are things you can do to get a bit of it back though (or get a bit of it if you never had it in the first place)

How old are you OP? How is the sex in the relationship? Do you kiss?

I got married much too young to someone i should have just stayed friends with. We divorced 17 years and 3 kids later.

Everyone is ok now. DCs are fine. He's remarried, I've remarried. I now know what proper romantic love is like. Now i have fireworks and butterflies in the stomach. When DH kisses me the world stands still - even after 10 years together :)

A healthy relationship does not contain drama OP.

It's a weird feeling when you're used to the dramatic fireworks of abusive relationships. To have this peaceful oasis to retreat to. It almost seems too easy at times. But honestly that is what a real relationship is, to come home and feel safe. No drama. Some ups and downs but no wild rollercoasters!

Only you can decide if you want to settle down with this man. Write a pros and cons list if that helps! Ultimately if you want to be in a LTR you will have to settle for somebody. And once you decide to settle, my advice is to commit 100%. It is hard work, doing life with another human being. Life will throw shit at you. For the relationship to survive and flourish you will have to choose your partner again and again and again.

It's a weird feeling when you're used to the dramatic fireworks of abusive relationships. To have this peaceful oasis to retreat to. It almost seems too easy at times. But honestly that is what a real relationship is, to come home and feel safe. No drama. Some ups and downs but no wild rollercoasters!

See i agree with this in principal. And it's why i settled. But it wasn't right. And i don't think it's right to use a person as a port in a storm. Not to put words in your mouth Mystery, but that's what it amounts to IMO.

I think fireworks are over rated too. I used to feel that way but it fades and I think gets replaced with something more important. My husband is my best friend, the person I want to tell when something exciting or sad has happened and the one person in the world who I feel completely has my back. He's an amazing father which only makes me love him more and we talk and laugh all the time. I wouldn't trade that for the excitement we felt when we first got together but don't have so much now
But it depends on you and only you know how you feel, are you generally happy in a day to day basis? If so then I think you'd regret leaving that for a movie style romance. If not, if this is constantly on your mind and you can imagine not having him there to turn to then perhaps it isn't right

Although me and DP had the fireworks etc at the beginning of our relationship 6 years later that is all gone now.
I would say we are now both happy, comfortable and love and respect eachother. And actually I dont want to imagine my life without him even though there isnt any of that fireworks/being madly in love with eachother anymore. It is normal and happens to mostly all relationships.

If you didnt have it at the beginning thats fine too. Reading your post you do love him and the relationship seems healthy. I would say go for it tbh.

when i met dh it was all heart skips a beat etc but that goes, i love him to bits and cant imagine life without him but its settled into a loving rather then in love relationship i miss him when hes not there and worry about him if hes late etc hes my best friend as well and sex when it happens is good i dont want a relationship full of drama i want a solid dependable relationship with someone thats always on my side.

I feel the important thing is to listen to you.
What works and satisfies one person might not work for the next.
The doubts you are describing are similar to doubts I ignored...
I've always had relationships with stable, kind, good men- for me, it has to be more than that...

Will you get bored? Do you have a good sex life? Do you 'fancy' him?

I was in this sort of situation (with a poor sex life) and we had discussed marriage and children and it seemed like the logical next step. I then met someone at work who was just as kind and lovely and I was incredibly attracted to. I ended my relationship and am now happily married to the person I met with one DC. It took meeting someone else to make me realise it wasn't enough (didn't have an affair etc as we didn't think this was a good way to start what we hoped would be a serious relationship.

I've never had the crushing, all-encompassing can't live without you dramatic love. But I have never felt disappointed in that as I think it's the stuff of films for most people and the cause of much dissatisfaction. We had an of attraction early on which turned into love, kindness and great warmth. He makes me laugh a lot. We get along and make a great team. He is an amazing father and business partner. 26years later I have no regrets. But at no point was I planning to "settle". There were no calculations. It was a relationship that simply endured and the next steps (moving in, buying house, marriage, children) just happened naturally. Perhaps you are overanalysing? Or in a panic because you are older and perceive time running out?

Not many people feel fireworks 10 years and 2 kids into their marriage. The fireworks feeling is usually when you are first falling for someone, after that has subsided the things that keep you together are respect, being friends, shared values, loyalty etc.

I've never got that can't live without someone feeling and really can't see myself ever feeling that (let's face it, it's not really true!! Lots of people lose loved ones for different reasons and they carry on)
I was the girl reading Romeo and Juliet and thinking what a stupid thing to do though!!!

I do feel in love with my boyfriend though, I get that lovely fluttery feeling still and it's definitely different to how I feel about close friends who I also love.
Sex for me is a big indicator, I want him, really, really want him and he me. And there's definitely fireworks in that department!

Yes, feeling you can't live without someone doesn't say 'big love' to me but 'big neediness' - not something to aspire to.

I had all the sparks and fireworks with my ex-dh. Incredible highs but with it incredible lows. It became so toxic in the end that I left after 11 years together. We're much much happier apart and have a form of friendship back.

I'm so so grateful for my steady dependable now dh. I do fancy him but it's a calmer more relaxed love. It's so much healthier and I can see it lasting forever. (Don't get me wrong he still annoys me at times but he doesn't make me sob at night). There's a lot to be said for nice settled relationship stuff especially where children are involved.

I didn't bother with fireworks. I am in love with DH but there is no drama.

Real love is the steady shoulder to lean on at 3am in the children's emergency room. It's waking up to a steaming hot cup of tea by the bed. Its watching your kids faces light up when he comes home. Lots of other stuff as well...

DH is pretty much the only person in the whole world who I trust.

Fireworks end and excitement fades. I also really really hate drama and games. We have been together 24 years and married for 19 now.

Mostly ups and very few downs. I have his back and he has mine.

So you love him. Great. But do you fancy him? As a pp asked, how's your sex life? If you love him, respect him, enjoy his company, fancy him and have great sex, plus he's kind, trustworthy etc. I don't think there's much more!

I had a ltr with someone similar but I didn't really want sex with him in the end as I didn't really fancy him. It would have been a great arrangement with a nice life, but I think ultimately I would have been very unhappy and would have left.

I couldn't settle. I could have settled with an ex I knew I wasn't in love with, although I did care about him. I'm now with my DH who I do love very much and we are happily married with children. I am so pleased that I didn't stick with my ex.

the fiery passionate love you think you are missing hasnt always been valued as it is in so many ..romantic stories / today

This is an different way at looking at the positive attributes / stages of love

ancient Greek words for love its quite interesting

OP, it boils down to one thing: can you live without him?

Is the sex good? If the sex is good then I'd stay. If it's not then I'd leave, because ultimately you'll get bored of not having decent sex and look elsewhere (and/or so will he.)

What NotTheFordType says sums it up for me!