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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if anyone decided to just 'settle down' (with a partner)

125 replies

RedHareWithBlondeHair · 04/04/2017 22:01

Not really in the spirit of AIBU but I could do with a bit of perspective.

Has anyone just decided that their partner was 'nice enough' and decided to stay with him (or her) because it just seemed to be working well despite not really being in love. (I don't mean those that stay for the children or because they're financially unable to leave).

I'm struggling to articulate exactly what I mean as I know that being madly in love with someone isn't all about hearts skipping beats and drama. And in many ways it manifests itself in for example making them a cup of tea or remembering what their favourite brand of chocolate is or whatever.

I'm with someone who is a very good man. Caring, affectionate, successful career with a very good wage and kind. It's just I am not in love iyswim?

At times I think perhaps it's unfair on him and I should let him be free to meet someone who'd walk over hot coals for him or had that sense of urgency of loving him so deeply. As far as he's concerned we have a healthy, honest and good relationship. The other day he came to meet me with a certain type of drink that I had been drinking when we first met (nothing extravagant - when we had our first date I had been walking to the bar drinking a latte with cinnamon).

We've been talking a lot about the future as of late and I'm finding myself increasingly thinking well he's not a bad man and I'd be happy and secure. I do love him but I'm just not in love. I'm sure he'd make a great father and we'd be happy but I just don't really think it's fair on him.

OP posts:

histinyhandsarefrozen · 05/04/2017 09:13

For me, respect was key- it mightn't be important to everyone but it was for me. You really need to dig deep and think if your unique relationship needs are being met. (I would tentatively suggest they aren't) you don't have to marry every lovely man you meet.

CoolJazz · 05/04/2017 09:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Zaphodsotherhead · 05/04/2017 09:14

I think it depends on your age. I'm mid fifties and know I can live alone perfectly well, in fact, I do. Had a 'totally besotted' marriage break up and the pain was so awful that I'm now a bit 'besotted avoidant' and seeing a man I like, respect and who is good and steady even though he's not massively demonstrative or exciting. Because I know I can go it alone but am choosing to be with him, it's very calming. But my kids are grown up and I don't live with him, so no difficult decisions to
make.

pocketsaviour · 05/04/2017 09:15

OP, it boils down to one thing: can you live without him?

That's not love! That's co-dependence, a very different (and unhealthy) thing.

BlueFolly · 05/04/2017 09:16

Is the sex good?

ARumWithAView · 05/04/2017 09:16

I agree with much of what's been said about artificial expectations of romance, the unsustainability of fireworks, and the mistake of seeing drama and conflict as passion.

But...

if you instinctively classify your partner as 'nice enough'
if you admit, even to yourself, that you're not in love
if your decision-process about the future starts 'well, he's not a bad man'

... I think this is different. This is not a quiet, comfortable, honest relationship. This is ambivalence.

The danger of ambivalence is that things can plod along quite happily through marriage, kids, any number of decades - but when a serious challenge comes along, you're in trouble. I think the biggest issues are a) meeting someone else, with whom you feel immediate connection/rapport, b) getting to middle age or facing a health crisis and thinking HOLY FUCK, I've spent MY LIFE with this guy, or c) just an accumulated mass of small irritations and resentments growing into bitterness which eventually sinks your relationship.

And this isn't even getting into the disservice it does to your partner, if they continue the relationship unaware of your ambivalence. One of the most devastating aspects of many threads in the relationship board is when one long-term partner turns around and says: I'm leaving and I never really loved you at all. Hearing that from someone you believed loved you doesn't just wreck the present; it makes the whole past seem like a lie, too.

I'd get out while the stakes are still low. As other posters have said, it's an entirely different situation once you have kids to consider. There's a whole thread somewhere about people struggling to leave or stay in 'good enough' relationships.

CoolJazz · 05/04/2017 09:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

histinyhandsarefrozen · 05/04/2017 09:19

In her op, she says three times she is not in love.

You can't fake it forever.

FreakinScaryCaaw · 05/04/2017 09:20

Dh and I have been together 8 years and I still miss him when we're apart. Plus our sex life is good.

My first marriage was more like you're describing. But exdh didn't like sex. So eventually I left. We're still friends. He's still single and probably should just have had a companion.

If you fancy your OH then it may be worth staying. Have you spoken about the future?

minisoksmakehardwork · 05/04/2017 09:24

My love for dh has never been starry eyes and fireworks. It's a much more gentle love. Laughing together, making each other hot drinks. Looking after each other when we're ill.

I think films and Disney have a lot to answer for when it comes to the expectation of love and romance.

I have never felt like I have settled. I have married my best friend, someone who will be by my side through thick and thin. True love imo is finding your soulmate and building a life together. Fireworks fizzle out quite quickly.

Friday999 · 05/04/2017 09:25

OP - what do YOU want to do? No one else's opinion matters here.

CheckpointCharlie2 · 05/04/2017 09:26

I have two tests for you:

Imagine yourself sitting outside in a cafe on your own. DP (who isn't in this scenario!) walks past - does he turn your eye?

You have DP in a white room with a white chair and nothing else, he doesn't know why he's there. Do you go into the room or do you leave? He doesn't know either way.

These are my two tests and they have worked for me to decide on boyfriends (different version of the white room)

Laiste · 05/04/2017 09:29

I don't know, many of the posters saying they have a steady relationship are saying it started out with the 'fireworks' but it calmed down to something deeper and the first didn't matter. Easy to say it wasn't an important stage - but you did have it! I would be wary (now) of starting a relationship without that real spark which grew.

It's a shame that real passion is being linked with 'drama' and great 'downs' as an inevitability. As I said earlier i still feel the butterflies after 10 years, but he is still my best friend, my rock and the person at my side without question whatever the time, whatever the problem. We have each other's backs. We laugh and cry together. Parent the kids ('mine' and 'ours') parent the parents ! run the house and get through the shite. But when there's time we're like a pair of teenagers together. Sounds vomit inducingly cheesy but that's what we're here to discus

I guess if both parties are happy and honest with the other about the relationship being 'not love', as OP describes, then it's ok.

PrettyGoodLife · 05/04/2017 09:32

Is this about him or is about you and your relationship with yourself? other things you mention make it sound a little more loaded.

ToffeeForEveryone · 05/04/2017 09:35

Cheesy but appropriate:

ToffeeForEveryone · 05/04/2017 09:35

love is a temporary madness, it erupts like
volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a
decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined
together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because
this is what love is.Love is not breathlessness, it is not
excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion.
That is just being in love, which any fool can do. Love itself is what
is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art
and a fortunate accident.Those that truly love have roots
that grow towards each other underground, and, when all the pretty
blossoms have fallen from their branches, they find that they are one
tree and not two.

birdspooping · 05/04/2017 09:37

OP, thanks for starting this thread. I'm in exactly the same position as you so am following with interest.

So far each 'we happily rub along together, you should go for it too' posts make my heart sink. Whereas the 'leaving was the best thing I ever did' ones excite me. I think these visceral reactions could be an important sign.

Funnyonion17 · 05/04/2017 09:39

Fireworks aren't sustainable for anybody. Sure even years later some still feel them from time to time. I aren't crazy in love with my DH as i think that's a warped thing from movies etc tbh. But i have a knowing that i have zero desire for anyone else and I never have. I still find him attractive and he's my best friend too. Don't chase fireworks, they aren't an accurate indicator of a happy relationship

PyongyangKipperbang · 05/04/2017 09:40

Fireworks and shooting stars are the stuff that Mills and Boon are made of. Rom Coms and chicklit have conditioned us to think that unless we have some sort of rollercoaster of emotions, heart beating nineteen to the dozen, OMG I cannot live with you, I hate you, I love you!!! type thing going on then we are not in love.

CRAP.

A truly good marriage is built on respect, and trust and above all friendship. How can you have a good life with someone who gives you the fanny gallops but who you dont actually like very much? Happens more often than you'd think!

Having been through a true Fireworks in the Sky passionate relationship that almost broke me, and a far less crazy but much more loving and trusting one with a good kind man I would go for the latter every time.

What is falling "in love" anyway? Its a short term hormonal imbalance that makes you crazy. No one can sustain that, its people trying to constantly have that feeling that have serial affairs because they are addicted to the high of a new relationship. Meanwhile us grown ups, realise that a life long relationship sacrifices that initial rush for something deeper, more meaningful and ultimately more fulfilling.

histinyhandsarefrozen · 05/04/2017 09:41

I think they are a sign, birds. It's a tough predicament, especially when the men in question are good men.

Counselling might help. Books like 'Brooklyn' and 'The Newlyweds' - (and zillions of others of course!) explore the 'love/settling themes very well.

DingDongtheWitchIsDangDiddlyDe · 05/04/2017 09:42

OP, it boils down to one thing: can you live without him?

That's not love! That's co-dependence, a very different (and unhealthy) thing

Well that depends how you mean it, doesn't it? It's not automatically one thing or the other, and co-dependence isn't necessarily a bad thing either.
I would say I can't live without my OH. I mean, I could, I'm a fully able and stable person who could live alone if I chose to and cope with life alone. But I feel as if I couldn't live without him because he is the love of my life and I can't imagine a life that isn't with him, and I don't want to. And yes, we are dependent on each other, thats perfectly normal after 25 years, it's weird if you're not!

ToastDemon · 05/04/2017 09:44

I'm curious, if you're not really in love and attracted to your partner, how did you wind up together? If it was more a friendship-type feeling, how do you get to the point of having sex with them etc?

DH is rationally everything I could want in a life partner - selfless, loving, would do anything for me - but I can't imagine I would have got together with him just on that logical rationale.
After nine years together, one of our core bonds remains the feeling of being in love, and the sexual attraction. We've simply added to that over time with shared experiences and our shared history which has strengthened that bond, but I can't imagine it not being there in the first place.
It's what adds the joy and excitement to our relationship. I feel genuinely thrilled to be married to him, rather than "he's pleasant and stable, he'll do".

PyongyangKipperbang · 05/04/2017 09:55

In fact this is probably the only healthy relationship I've ever had!

And there's your problem. You equate relationships with drama, arguments, incredible make up sex, ok for a bit, more arguments....and you said yourself that it wasnt healthy.

Just because there is no drama doesnt mean that you are settling. Just because you are not flinging your knickers to the wind every time you set eyes on him doesnt mean that there is no passion.

ithakabythesea · 05/04/2017 09:57

OP, what you describe wouldn't be good enough for me and in truth I don't think it is really fair on you and your partner.

You have no children, you don't need to settle. If you marry the wrong man, you are denying yourself the chance to meet the right one.

I have been married for over 20 years and I would still describe myself as 'in love' with my DH. If yu don't feel it now, I don't know that you ever will.

You do not need an excuse or a reason to leave someone. If you don't love him enough, that is all the reason you need.

I predict in a few years, you will have met someone that makes you giddy with love and you will look back on your luke warm feelings with wonder that you ever thought it could be enough.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 05/04/2017 09:57

TOFFEE, that's beautiful, and so true.

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