To ask if anyone decided to just 'settle down' (with a partner)

[RedHareWithBlondeHair]

Not really in the spirit of AIBU but I could do with a bit of perspective.

Has anyone just decided that their partner was 'nice enough' and decided to stay with him (or her) because it just seemed to be working well despite not really being in love. (I don't mean those that stay for the children or because they're financially unable to leave).

I'm struggling to articulate exactly what I mean as I know that being madly in love with someone isn't all about hearts skipping beats and drama. And in many ways it manifests itself in for example making them a cup of tea or remembering what their favourite brand of chocolate is or whatever.

I'm with someone who is a very good man. Caring, affectionate, successful career with a very good wage and kind. It's just I am not in love iyswim?

At times I think perhaps it's unfair on him and I should let him be free to meet someone who'd walk over hot coals for him or had that sense of urgency of loving him so deeply. As far as he's concerned we have a healthy, honest and good relationship. The other day he came to meet me with a certain type of drink that I had been drinking when we first met (nothing extravagant - when we had our first date I had been walking to the bar drinking a latte with cinnamon).

We've been talking a lot about the future as of late and I'm finding myself increasingly thinking well he's not a bad man and I'd be happy and secure. I do love him but I'm just not in love. I'm sure he'd make a great father and we'd be happy but I just don't really think it's fair on him.

Personally I think if you are not feeling the heart skipping at the start then it's not a good idea. I would hate to think that someone would settle for me.
You still haven't said whether you fancy him. That is really important surely? It doesn't have to be all drama. There has never been much drama with me and dh and after a few years of marriage things do get more comfortable. But I still fancy him like crazy and love the bones of him. I could honestly not imagine my life without him and could not envisage myself even kissing another guy.
I think the most important thing in any relationship is respect. But from your posts I just don't get the feeling you do. I have a friend that after lots of volatile relationships settled for a guy she thought was good for her. A lovely guy but you could tell she was settling. She ended up having an affair and leaving him and is now very happy and settled with a man she is in love with. Do you honestly think you would never cheat on this guy?

I predict in a few years, you will have met someone that makes you giddy with love and you will look back on your luke warm feelings with wonder that you ever thought it could be enough.

Agree

If this is a new relationship then walk away now.

It's strange that some posters don't seem to believe that it's possible to get fireworks and butterflies for someone who is nice and kind and who you respect. It's not all 'drama' and lies.

Maybe I'm just weird but I've never been attracted to the 'bad boy'. They're just miserable fuckers who mess you around as far as I'm concerned.

I thought I was in love with someone before I met dp. I wasn't, I was an idiot. That was drama and it pales into complete insignificance to what I have with him.

Dp and I are in the comfortable stage now. But if we had never had the fireworks or fanny gallops I don't think I'd be here now. They still come back every so often to keep you keen, and I still think he's super hot.

Have you had that spark with anyone else op? Do you know what you're missing out on?

To answer a couple of questions the sex is very good. Again, he's a very attentive lover and is willing to explore things that I've felt embarrassed to mention to previous partners - but that might actually just come from the fact that I've become a lot more sexually confident. So a bit of red herring.
I miss him when he's away and I do fancy him. When the conversation turns to the future my reply has been thus far "let's see how it goes" and he has mentioned a few times that I seem to be avoiding it and whether or not I'm having doubts. These conversations leave me feeling like a bit of a witch. He's just so calm, serene and stable whereas I've had a bit of a chaotic life. It seems rather odd to me that something in my life is actually working well.

OP, do you fantasise about having babies with him? e.g awwww what would they look like etc.

Also, how do you think you'd feel if he proposed tomorrow?

These are questions I've been asking myself and would be interested to hear other posters' experiences of this with the partners they've stayed with.

I married a nice man - with him from the age of 19, married at 25 and left him at 34. I knew it wasn't right, I thought there could be more to life but it felt indulgent (for want of a better word) to disrupt our lives because I wanted more than average. The split was horrible, everyone took his side and I lost friends over it. We're just divorced (5 years on) and still fighting over money. Looking back he wasn't as nice as I or everyone else thought. I seriously doubt I'll have kids now (despite being head over heels with new partner) due to age. I wasted a lot of time - mine and his - because I wasn't brave enough for ages to be true to myself.

So you do fancy him?

Thats not just "nice enough" is it?

Do you think that you are frightened to commit to him in case you get hurt?

I wonder if you love him far more than you are admitting to but dont want to put yourself totally in his hands in case he hurts you.

I think CoolJazz sums it up perfectly for me with "wonderful deep satisfaction".

That is exactly how I feel when I survey my life with DH. He makes things better.

Of course I could live without him, it would suck though.

I've had the electrical attraction relationship in the past, and I love my husband but it was never like that,. I described it to him as comfy slippers and PJ's in front of the fire love. We've been together for over 30 years and overall we've been happy and I can't imagine life without him.

How is he with tea?

Don't underestimate the importance of beverages in a long term relationship.

Erm, not sure op. After that update it sounds to me just like cold feet. But then I'm just a stranger on the internet, what do I know?

What does your gut say?

We had the below reading at our wedding, and I think this is so fitting for this thread:

"Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion, it is not the desire to mate every second minute of the day, it is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every cranny of your body. No, don't blush, I am telling you some truths. That is just being "in love", which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.”

Although I think that only you can make this decision, you are in control of your future and happiness. Good luck with whatever you decide to do

bad gut says no. Logic; rationale says yes. That said, most of the time I think 'why not'.
Pyong on the contrary it's that I don't want to hurt him. It was mentioned up thread by a PP that it is horrific when couples separate and one of them tells the other that they never really loved them to begin with.

I am just not the type of person to feel the spark, butterflies, fanny gallops etc etc. - at least not early on.

All my relationships have started with me being convinced I didn't like them, and would probably end it any time now. I have quite a complicated and sad family history and am just starting to understand why this is my usual reaction (therapy - attachment issues apparently). There was my long term ex who I was very nonplussed about to start with, then fell in love with over time. And the same with current DP - although i remember feeling a bit giddy and excited on our first date and really disappointed that he didn't kiss me, but I soon reverted to thinking he was nice enough but this and but that. Something about him made me stick around though, and I'm so glad I did. We just work together, I fancy him more and more as time goes on, and he makes me feel warm and safe.

There has been one exception, one guy I fell absolutely head over heels for, fireworks and shooting stars all over the place. It was a short, intense relationship and I felt ill the entire time! Ecstatic but so anxious and sick feeling - guess I'm just not built for fireworks!

I think what you describe sounds like being 'in love' to me - admiring, respecting, trusting, fancying, enjoying the company of and having great sex with someone is exactly what I think true love is. But only you know if that's it for you, or if there's something missing.

How long have you been with him? Its difficult to separate I think your feelings with the fact that you seen to equate chaos and drama with passion which it isnt

I am still madly in love and get butterflies with my DP ten years and two children later - if he's travelled away with work I always pick him up from the airport and I always feel incredibly excited and happy.

So it's not fair to say it never lasts. It does sometimes.

Sounds to me as though you do love him but your attitude to relationships has been a bit warped by your previous experiences. You fancy him, the sex is good, he treats you well, you love him, you trust him - fireworks and shooting stars are particular to a lust driven relationship, I am sure that some of those lead to more but most of them don't! Love is shared values, trust and respect not giddy knickers and rollercoasters of emotions

RedHare, you sound very much like you love him, to me.
He sounds wonderful.
Is it the fact perhaps, that you haven't, and would like to feel a ravenous, burning lust, for someone, maybe ?
It's a bit like wearing incredibly high heels, always aware of teetering on the edge of a great fall, so exciting, but potentially lethal ! 😂
Everything you describe, sounds ideal, but of course, Im not wearing your shoes.

Op you sound like you have relationship anxiety to me. You don't seem to be able to trust your self to decide if he's right for you and your doubts despite describing a lovely relationship point towards anxiety.

Been there, it's awful but does get better. If he walked away now, would you be relieved or grieving? There's your answer. Forget deciding if it's true love, fireworks and all that jazz. If you feel you don't want to be without him and you would be basically devastated, that's enough. True love is just a description of many aspects of a relationship.

For some it's fireworks, chemistry etc but it fades and after that they have no common ground or bond. That's not a healthy relationship or someone you grow old with.

Some start out as friends, they grow attraction and a bond etc and it grows into love.

Some have fireworks then it turns into love later.

There's no ideal way to find love, but just remember old couples that grow old together don't quiver with excitement at the thought of eachother every waking moment do they?

No, I have absolutely always insisted that I won't settle for 'good enough'. My partner, should he comes along, does not need to be perfect but he needs to be perfect for me, IYSWIM.

However, a caveat: my approach comes at a price. I'm 50 and I haven't found 'the one' yet so it's not a suitable approach for those who don't enjoy their own company. Ultimately I'll be happy if I remain single forever; it's a very liberating life

I've been with my partner for 18yrs and we have two fantastic children, our relationship has never been fireworks and shooting stars and some days that really bothers me. The logical part of my brain tells me that what we do have is far more sustainable and solid but that still doesn't completely suppress the niggling doubts that appear from time to time.

RumWithAView on page 2 of this thread has it nailed

Sorry I meant ARumWithAView on page 3

The fireworks, heart skipping a beat bit is that not just what happens in the initial part of a relationship anyway? Does that last forever? I felt madly in love with my current DH for the first couple of years but then we settled into the happy, dependable no drama contentment phase that we are still in now. I don't feel madly in lust but am very very happy and content.
Sexual attraction is important though, I think there needs to be some chemistry, but you don't have to be madly in lust forever for it to be a happy relationship.